A/N: Wow, we're at chapter 18 already! My God, I love this fic so much... it's my baby.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Silent Night.
Chapter 18: Misery
Kairi woke up the next day with a sunken heart. She had wanted the night before to be fake- not that she didn't enjoy the beginning of it, but the ending was enough to make her want to sink into the floor, and never get up or do anything else. She'd live in solitude... as a puddle, melted to the ground.
But it wasn't possible for anyone just to let her do that. She glanced back at the music, and realized that that was all she had left of him, even though he said that he'd come back to her. It had just happened last night, and Kairi had already started to lose faith. Maybe there'd be some other girl that was a better musician than she was... maybe there was another girl that he could relate to more... or maybe just another girl who was, to put it simply, better looking.
She glanced over at the piece of music, and saw a piece of paper fall as she picked it up off her desk. She leaned over to pick up the paper. It was a note- from Sora, who else? She looked at the scratchy handwriting, and felt her heart die when she realized that he wasn't here with her anymore.
The note read, "Kairi, I hope you'll be happy with this as your solo your senior year. I know it's a little early to be planning, but Mr. Leonhart wanted me to do it. I thought that it would suit you better. Good luck, Sora."
She moaned, and slammed the letter down on the desk. She didn't want any more memories lingering around her. If he wasn't here any longer, she didn't see the point of obsessing so much anymore. It felt utterly pointless and stupid, for lack of a better word. Why couldn't she just forget about him altogether? It would be SO much easier on her already out of control emotions!
She didn't dare let her concience say that she loved him, because she wasn't even sure how she felt about him. It was too agrivating for her. And she had work today- the perfect cheering up that she needed. Not.
She got up out of bed, so her mother wouldn't have to march into her room. There was no one that she would speak to at the moment. She grumpily threw on some clothes, and stifly walked past her cello into the bathroom. Nothing would cheer her up today; except maybe... well, she knew that wouldn't happen.
She brushed her teeth like her was no tommorow, and yanked a brush through her hair. She stormed downstairs and into the kitchen, hoping her mother would be there, making breakfast. Although she didn't feel up to socializing, she felt even less up to making her own breakfast.
She wasn't. There was a note left on the counter. "Sorry, Kairi, I had an early shift of work today... there's cereal if you want some. -Mom"
Was the whole world just joyously running away from her? She threw away the note, and decided to take her anger out on her cereal and milk.
-
She suffered the rest of the weekend, and by the time Monday rolled around, she realized that she had barely practiced since Sora had left. Actually, she had barely touched Oathkeeper at all. The color of the cello was still enough to make her eyes shine with pride, even after having it for about three weeks.
She moaned as she got out of bed, not wanting to go to school or socialize or go back to life the way it was before. The weekend had dragged by, and she was actually quite happy with no calls from Yuffie, Selphie, or Namine. Apparently they had been preoccupied with something.
She slowly did her morning routine, not realizing the time passing by. Soon, the doorbell rang, and Kairi painfully back down to earth. She slowly walked over, not bothering to check who it was, and opened the door. Selphie was standing there, just as she had predicted. Unfortunately for Kairi, she was still not ready.
"Kairi, let's go!" There was a hint of saddness in the girl's normal cheerful voice. Or maybe it was just Kairi's thinking, because after she was dragged out of her house, Selphie went on chattering with them as she normally did, the same tone of voice that she had always talked in.
Kairi intentionally excluded herself from the conversation. She wasn't up to talk to anyone right now, nor was she feeling up to laughing and having fun. She just wanted to drown in her misery a little bit more.
Namine was the first to notice. She tried to talk to her, because she was pretty sure that it must have been something about Sora. "What's wrong, Kairi? You haven't talked to any of us since Friday..."
Kairi suddenly burst out crying a flood of tears. "He's gone..." she sobbed. "He's really gone now..."
Namine put an arm around her friend, and they walked over to a park bench. "Tell us what happened..."
Kairi continued to speak through muffled sobs. She told them everything that had happened, and all of her friends tried to comfort her.
"Hey, Kairi, it's okay. He'll be back to visit, I'm sure he will."
Kairi tried to argue, but her hiccups refused to allow herself to.
After about ten minutes of crying and comforting, the group headed towards school once again. To Kairi, it felt like a weight was lifted from her shoulders. There was no where else she wanted to be right now than with her best friends.
-
Winter break came and gone, and now the Northern Islands festival was a mere few months away. Kairi, now that Sora was gone, felt like a complete empty shell inside, especially when she was playing cello. Whenever she tuned, she remembered how he would tease her about her obsessiveness. Whenever she hit a wrong note, she thought of the way that he would look at her, and then smile like they shared a big secret. And whenever she was offbeat from the rest of the orchestra, she remembered how everyone would turn to stare, and then make fun of her about how she was so into her music, except for Sora.
She practiced constantly at home, with nothing else to do. Music was the only way that she could connect with him again, and that was only in her heart, with her no longer sure of whether he could feel it, too. Adding to that, her heart was extremely confused. And it wandered aimlessly as she player her music. Maybe if it wandered enough, it would find his- as far away and now, foreign to her.
Sometimes, her fingers would feel weak from drumming them on the fingerboard. That didn't stop her, it was just something else ready to bring her down... and she didn't want that.
She and the orchestra went up to Palm City in the northern part of the island for the festival. She felt bad for leaving Namine at home for the day, while she, Selphie, and Yuffie would be with what they loved.
She had made it to fifth chair, while Tidus had fallen to sixth. She was almost sure that he hated being her stand partner just as much as he hated that he had fallen four chairs since the beginning of the year, and just as much as he hated that she, for the first time, at beaten him. The first day they had gotten their new chairs, he muttered something under his breath about favoritism. Maybe he was grouchier now that Yuna had broken up with him. According to Selphie, who heard it directly from Yuna, she thought that he was too grouchy all of the time and needed to lighten up.
Which just caused Selphie to fall for him again. She had been chasing after him ever since, and he was back to his old attitude- the thought that everything and everyone was inferior to him. And Yuna hadn't exactly been the same, either. Yuffie still seemed to have a liking for Mr. Leonhart, except she had been more quiet about it since her outburst a while ago. Namine and Roxas had seemed to be drifting apart, but their relationship was still fairly solid, compared to those of some of her other peers.
Everything was changing around her... and she couldn't keep up with it. But when she was with Oathkeeper and the music, everything was okay. Nothing outside their enclosed bubble would matter. She would occasionally not realize that her mother was standing right in front of her doorframe, upset that she had not come down to dinner.
She wasn't upset with the changes as much as she was completely upset that everyone seemed to be young and in love- except for her. She was jealous of the red faces when everyone was admitting their feelings, and was even quite jealous of Tidus and Selphie's love-hate relationship. She tuned herself out whenever her friends were talking about their feelings and relationships, pretending not to care when she obviously cared more than anyone else.
She did nothing, and also said nothing. She didn't want to burden people with the problems that she had once again, the way she did about three months ago.
The festival was amazing. She realized how fortunate she was to be in one of the best orchestras in the Islands, and how lucky she was to have a conductor that actually gave the orchestra a full measure before the starting beat.
The day would have only beeen more amazing if the one person that she completely wanted to share it with was next to her, or rather, in front of her, for her to listen to how the music radiated from his heart the way it did from hers.
Unfortunately for her, she didn't get her wish. Sora had still not come back from Julliard even for a short visit. She'd spoken to Riku, Mr. Leonhart's aide for that semester about him, and apparently he hadn't even spoken to his best friend. She would occasionally regain faith that he may come back just to see her again, but now that faith was chipping away, day by day.
When they walked onstage to perform, Kairi held a smile on her face, although it was hurting inside for Sora to be so gone. She performed her best, but somehow, without Sora, it sounded empty. And what was worse was that it felt emptier than ever before.
-
Three more painful years passed. They weren't phsyically painful, psychologically painful, or academically painful. It was just emotionally painful for Kairi. After one year of no glimpse of Sora, she had completely lost faith. Although she still wished for him to come back, that was all it was- a mere wish. And most wishes don't get granted.
She continued to carry on her life the way it did after he left- watching everyone else fall in love, playing her heart out, and ignoring how fast time was passing. All she wanted was to see him again, even if it was just an illusion.
She hid all of this from everyone. She learned her freshman year that if she just carried on the way she always did, no one would notice, except for an occasional comment from Namine. She had always felt like an attention whore when her friends would gather around her in pity, especially Namine.
She really didn't want to go to college, although she applied for NYU and a few other schools around New York. She didn't want to leave, because she still wanted to wait for Sora, even though she knew that she couldn't wait forever.
The famous Christmas concert was coming around soon, and she was sitting smack in first chair of the Symphony orchestra. Chairs stopped being her concern long ago, when she realized that as long as her music stood out from the crowd, it didn't matter where she was sitting. She could honestly tell herself that she wouldn't care even if she had to sit backstage.
One day, Mr. Leonhart suddenly pulled her aside. "Kairi, do you have your solo music?"
She raised an eyebrow, completely surprised and confused. "What solo music?"
Mr. Leonhart sighed. "I was hoping that you had the song down already, although it won't be much of a challenge for you. It was that solo that Sora had promised he'd give you about, oh, three years ago?"
Because of Kairi's blank stare at him, he continued to ramble. The words flew around her ears though, considering that she wasn't absorbing any of them. Just hearing his name again was enough to freeze her insides and clog her ears. She had realized that it was Silent Night, the song that she had long admired, and the sheet of music that was carefully put in the bottom of her bottom desk drawer. She had long forgotten after the Northern Islands festival in her freshman year.
"Kairi? You there?"
"...Yeah. I have it. I promise I'll work on it this weekend- don't worry, I'll have it perfect by the concert."
Mr. Leonhart smiled. "That's the Kairi we know and love."
Kairi made a mental note to herself to find the piece again.
-
When she had gotten home, Kairi immediately headed up to her room, even before locking the front door. She flipped open the bottom drawer, and immediately started digging towards the bottom. Unfortunately, there were many, many papers in the drawer, and she was having a hard time grabbing big handfuls out at a time, although she could say that her handspan had gotten a bit larger since she started the cello.
When she reached the bottom of the drawer before finding the music, she had a minor spaz attack. What if she had lost it, or what if her mother had mistaken it for trash because it looked so worn? Right after that thought had passed, her fingers felt the worn paper, pinched it, and dragged it out.
She looked over the music, and a slight smile crawled to her face. The smile had more meaning to it than any of the empty ones she held onstage put together for the past three years.
The concert was going to be her night.
-
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