The Coma: A Kenny McCormick Story
By I-am-E.L.F
Chapter 1
"Come on, Ike. Say it," said Kyle to his adopted little brother from Canada, Ike. The four boys were at the Broflovski's house on Saturday.
"Ike no say worr," Ike replied.
"Just say 'Bee-aytch," said Stan.
"No," replied Ike.
"Hello, little bubilahs," said Sheila Broflovski. "Having fun, are we?"
"Yes, Kyle's mom," replied Stan, Kenny, and Cartman.
"Yeah, Mom," replied Kyle.
"Good. Now, play nice with Ike," said Sheila.
"We will," said Kyle in a sing-song voice. As soon as Sheila went downstairs, Kyle took Ike and kicked him to Stan. "Kick the baby!"
"Don't kick the baby," said Ike. Stan kicked Ike to Kenny, Kenny to Cartman, Cartman to Kyle. "Cookie Monster! Aah-be don't goma scream."
"You wouldn't scream," said Cartman. Ike's eyes started to water, then all of a sudden…
"AAAAAAAAH!" screamed Ike at the top of his lungs.
"Shut up, Ike," said Kyle. "You're gonna get us in trouble." Ike still kept screaming.
"Ike, shut the F--- up!" muffled Kenny.
All of a sudden, Sheila came running in and picked up Ike.
"Poor little bubilyh," she said. "Kyle Hershial-Meshuginyh Broflovski!"
"Oh, no," mumbled Kyle. "Full name."
"Ha-ha!" laughed Cartman. "She said—"
"Shut up, Cartman! Mom, I didn't do anything. Ike just—"
"Enough, Kyle," said Sheila. "C'mon, Ike."
Ike was lying on his mom's shouders. He looked back at Cartman and said, "Bye-bye goormah fat-boy."
"Heah!" yelled Cartman. There was a short pause. "Well, ah'm bored."
"Yeah, me too," said Stan. "Wanna egg someone's house?"
"Okay," said Kyle."
SPLAT! CRACK! SPLAT!
"OW!" screamed Kyle.
"Sorry, Jewhead, but your big jew-head got in the way," said Cartman.
"Very funny," said Kyle. "OW! Cartman!"
"Sorry," he said sarcastically. "But my snowball slipped away from mah."
Kenny started laughing. "That's not your only ball that slipped away."
"HAH! Fah yah infamation, one of mah bawls nevah descended! Now come on, we gotta wrap these eggs in tha snow." The four of them wrapped every egg they had and threw them at the house.
"Dude, who's house is this, anyway?" asked Stan.
After he asked that, Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat came out in nothing but pink bathrobes.
"What the hell are you four doing to my house?" shouted Mr. Garrison.
Cartman gasped. "It's Old Man Garrison!"
"RUUUUN!" screamed Kyle. The four boys ran away, but after running for thirty feet, Cartman stopped and fell in the snow. "Wai…wait u…up, you…guys! Le…lemmah cat—cat—catch mah…breath." The three boys were long gone down the road. "YA STUPID SONSOF—"
After about five minutes of running, they stopped on at Ming Li Memorial Park. Stan looked at it, then shivered.
"You cold, Stan?" asked Kyle.
"Wha? Oh, I just got this weird feeling in my mind."
"Where's fatass?" asked Kyle.
"Probably playing with himself," replied Kenny.
The boys started laughing.
Five minutes later, a taxi pulled up to the boys, and Cartman came out, still out of breath. The taxi left and Cartman was immediately in the snow.
"W…wh…why…why wouldn't y…ya…yah wait for…for mah?"
"We couldn't wait forever, dumbass," said Stan.
"Don't ya call mah dumbass!" screamed Cartman.
"Dude, that was fun!" said Kyle. "What now?"
"Welcome to Burger Dork," said a male cracking teenage voice. "Whaddya want?"
The four boys started laughing quietly. They were at a drive-thru fast-food place named "Burger Dork"
"Shut up, guys," giggled Cartman. "Uh, yes. I'l have…one fries, one medium Zoop Cola, and…a supersized order of …pig balls!" The four boys started smirking.
"What?" asked the teen.
"Pig balls," laughed Cartman. "You know. P-I-G-balls!" All four boys started laughing out loud, really hard.
"Waaaaaait a minute," said the teen. "You're just some punk kids, aren't ya?"
"No," said Kyle.
"All right! That's it! I'm comin' out right now!"
"Where? Out of the closet?" asked Stan.
The teen came out, but he was fat, greasy-haired, and covered with acne. "You wanna piece of me?"
"Yes," replied Cartman. All of a sudden, this Asian fight scene music started playing in the background. The fat kid leapt in the air, did a Matrix pose, and landed on the teen. He kicked the teen square in the nuts, then Kenny leapt on his face until he was unconscious.
"There. I got my pig balls," said Cartman.
After they escaped from the drive-thru, the four boys were, once again, bored. There were lying in the snow, looking up at the blue sky, thoughtless.
"I'm bored," said Stan. "What do you want to do, Kenny?"
"I don't know. What do you wanna do, Kyle?" asked Kenny.
"I dunno," replied Kyle. "You wanna graffiti a cow?"
"Dude, we did that last week," said Cartman.
They all sighed. A shadow started approaching them. It looked kind of evil. Kyle gasped. It turned out to be…
"Oh, h-hey guys," said Butters. "Wha-what are you doing?"
"Right now," said Cartman, "tryin ta ignore you! So geuwh awah!"
"O-okay, I'll leave," said Butters shyly. "I have this really awesome game we could play, but I-I'll need some other people to play wi—" The four boys got out of the snow and loked at Butters.
"Wha-what?"
"Oh boy!" said Butters with excitement. "I-isn't this fun?" He and Kyle were playing with Butters' new air hockey table. Kyle was sorta enjoying it, but Kenny, Stan, and Cartman were bored to death.
"Yeah," said Stan unenthusiastically. "Whoopee."
"Dude, this sucks," said Cartman. "Hmmm…" he thought. All of a sudden, a bright light shone over his head.
"Oh, sorry," said Butters. "That light does that sometimes."
"Ah have an idea! C'mon, guys!" Kyle accidentally slipped his arm on the board and rammed the puck off the table and in Kenny's mouth.
"HEY!" he shouted, but the puck made it hard to hear. He spit it out and ran to catch up with the other guys.
"Okay, Butters," said Cartman. "You want fun? You'll get fun with mah favor-ate gahme, 'Blindfolded Jaywalk!'" The five of them were on Muerte Street, where traffic is always coming and going and almost never stopping.
"Uh, Cartman," said Stan. "Can I talk to you in private?" He dragged Cartman behind a near-by bush and he pulled the fat kid behind it.
"Dude, are you NUTS!" shout-whispered Stan.
"Ha ha, you said nuts," laughed Cartman.
"That's not funny, Cartman," said Stan. "Why are you even doing this? Someone's gonna get killed."
"Well, DUH!" said Cartman. "Someone in pahticulah…Leopold Stotch."
"Butters? What's he done to you?"
"He's been boring. I want him gone."
"Why can't you just, oh, I don't know…ASK him to leave?"
"Dude, this is a lot more fun." Cartman waddled back over to the others. Stan followed with a worried look on his face.
"A-are you sure this game is safe?" asked Butters.
"Sure it is," said Cartman. "Ta prove it is, Kennah'll go first."
"WHAT?" screamed Kenny.
"C'mon, Kennah," said Cartman. "One fah tha team?"
Kenny sighed, then put on the blindfold.
"Alright, Kennah," said Cartman. "When Stan says geuwh, I'll push you in the street and start walking. Ready?"
Kenny nodded nervously.
"I don't know," said Stan. "What if Kenny gets—"
"GO!" shouted a voice that sounded like Stan's.
Cartman pushed Kenny into the street. Cars started to avoid Kenny as he walked zig-zaggedly down the street.
"Oh, no," said Stan. "Kenny, come back!"
Kenny couldn't hear due to the traffic. The don't walk light turned into a walk light. Kenny was doing all right.
When the don't walk light turned back on, traffic started up again. Kenny was walking all over the place and in circles.
What no one knew was that about a block away, a really mad bus driver was speeding along, pushing his big honking foot on the excelerator. The bus driver was mad because of either his salary, his marriage problems, or something.
Kyle saw it coming. "KENNY! YOU HAVE TO STOP OR ELSE YOU'LL—"
"Keep going," said the mysterious voice.
Kenny was almost at the other side. He felt he was all right…
Until…
WHAMMMM!►
"MOVE OUTTA DA WAY, YOU DERN KID!" shouted the cranky bus driver as he drove along. When the stop sign went on, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Butters ran over to Kenny, who was now lying still on the road and beaten up badly, and dragged him to the other side.
"Kenny? Kenny?" asked Stan. There was no response. Stan's heart was collapsing, his eyes started to tear up, and his mind started to spin. "Oh my God. I killed Kenny."
Butters went to check Kenny's pulse, and his heart was beating, but almost barely.
"H-he's not dead," said Butters. "Feel this." Stan felt Kenny's arm. "That his pulse," Butters continued. "So that means he's still alive."
"Then why the hell isn't waking up?" asked Kyle.
"I don't know," said Butters.
"C'mon, Kenny," said Kyle. "Wake up!" Kenny still wasn't responding. "Go call an ambulance, fatass."
"Shut up, Jewnose," said Cartman.
Kenny woke up, but he was in some sort of bubble, like that one boy. He was spinning around, and he was getting kinda sick.
Next, he found himself on a cloud, and floated down really fast into a dark building. Kenny thought he was either going to die, or did die. This didn't look like heaven or hell, because he had been to both.
I want my mommy! he thought. He covered his eyes until he thought it was safe.
When the floating stopped, he was on solid ground. He saw at least 50 eyes staring at him.
Where am I?
