Chapter 3

BZZZ! BZZZ! BZZZ! The alarm clock in Kenny's room went off.

"Wha?" he muffled when he woke up. He turned off the alarm and went back to sleep. He opened his eyes again and found Jacqur right in his face.

"Morning," said Jacque.

"AAAAAAHH!" screamed Kenny.

"Ready for ze makeover?" asked Jacque.

"What makeover?" asked Kenny, half-asleep.

"Ze makeover you need to zee your girlfriend," said Jacque. "Now, get out of ze bed an' take a show-eir!" He pushed Kenny out of bed, into the bathroom, and slammed the door.

Fifteen minutes later, Kenny came out, wrapped in a towel. Only his face was showing.

"Now what?" he asked.

"Where's ze hairbrush?" asked Jacque.

"Huh?" asked Kenny. "Oh, over there, right by the box of complimentary condoms" he said, laughing. The hairbrush was covered in dust.

Jacque undusted it and started brushing Kenny's hair.

"Ow. Ow. Ow," groaned Kenny as Jacque brushed his hair.

After three grueling hours, Kenny's hair was brushed and wrapped in a dry towel.

"Here are your clothes," said Jacque, throwing Kenny a pile of clothes and pushing him into the bathroom.

After thirty minutes of putting on jeans, Kenny came out and asked, "Dude, are you sure this shirt is appropriate?"

"Of course," said Jacque.

"Really. I don't think 'F--- Me. I'm A Virgin' is appropriate."

"Okay, okay," said Jacque. "I have more shirts. What do you want? 'Little Slut?' 'Porn Star?' 'Li'l Hooker—"

"Stop," said Kenny. "I don't want to look too girly or desperate. I'll take 'Sperm Dumpster.'"

Finally, after another hour of shirt fitting, mascara-applying, eyelash-gluing, and talking-like-a-girl-by-reading-Hallmark-cards, Kenny was ready.

He came out wearing low-rise American Eagle jeans, a tube top with "Sperm Dumpster" on it, fluffy blonde hair, and fake eyelashes and mascara.

"Aw, jé mouseus," said Jacque. "Now, what's your plan for escape?"

"Huh?" asked Kenny.

"Idiot! You have to escape from zees place before ze guards on ze male side kill you!"

"They can kill you?" asked Kenny.

Jacque opened the nearest window, packed Kenny's other clothes, and pushed Kenny out the window. Luckily, Jacque used a LOT of hairspray, so Kenny bounced right onto his feet and started running into town.

In town, there were a lot of crazy things, like selling baked rats-on-a-stick, walruses deep-frying fish, and necklaces made out of fish scales and angel feathers that are left in the Dancefloor. He tried not to look, but his eyes had to stay glued to the scenery. This was the Marketplace that led directly to the girl's side.

"G'day, lady!" said a young koala boy about Kenny's age, "Do you wanna try on some Aussie undies?"

"NO!"said Kenny in his girl voice. He kept walking until he was at the Resting Pony Terrace. He opened the door, and everything in the lobby was like a hotel for girls! He walked up the stairs until an employee came and stopped him.

"Sorry, m'am," she said with a Canadian accent. She had a woman's head, but had a cat's tail, and the body of a giraffe. "Are you on the list?"

Kenny didn't answer.

"What's your name, eh?"

Oh, no! thought Kenny. Jacque didn't make a name for me! Think, Kenny, think…

"My name's Jenny," he said with his girl voice. "Jenny…" Dude! What would Chef do? A thought bubble appeared over Kenny and Chef was in it.

"Dammit, children!" said Chef. "Why are y'all getting yourself into situations like this, dressing up like a little cracker hooker! If this ain't the stupidest stunt you children have thought of, my name isn't Jerome "Chef" McElroy!" The thought bubble disappeared and Kenny got it!

"My name is Jenny McElroy!"

The employee looked through her list. "Nope. You're not on my list."

"I'm just visiting someone."

"Okay, then. Who are ya looking for?"

"Melissa Foy."

"Room 406. Just knock, eh?"

"Thanks," said Kenny. He walked up to room 406 and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" asked Melissa from inside her room.

"It's Kenny," whispered Kenny.

"Kenny?" She opened the door. "Why are you—"

"Just let me in before the guards come looking for me," said Kenny.

After ten minutes of explaining everything…

"…and that's why I'm dressed like a girl," finished Kenny. "So, now do you understand?"

"…No," said Melissa.

"Oh," said Kenny. "But…w-what I'm trying to say is…Melissa Janice Foy…I love you."

"What?"

"I. Love. You."

"Whatever," said Melissa. "Hey, since there's a dance tomorrow night, you wanna go with me?"

Kenny was speechless. All that came out of his mouth was "Abb—uh, gulp Mumma-bubba."

"Great," said Mel, pushing Kenny out of her room. "It's at 7 at the Dancefloor, and please, for the love of God, get out of that stupid girl outfit. Oh, yeah, one more thing. You can call me Mel." She closed the door, and Kenny put his orange parka on and ran back to the guy's side.


Six weeks had passed since the accident. A lot has happened since, but there isn't enough time to say it all. That would be a story itself, so I'll just say this: Cartman gave himself a wedgie to get ten dollars, Butters got his first taste of beer, thinking it was a new cola, and Stan…well, let's see…

Stan was being tucked into bed by his mom. She gave him a kiss, then left his room.

"Mom?" asked Stan.

"Yes, Stanley?" asked his mom.

"You know how when Kenny dies, he comes back the next day?"

"Sure."

"Do you think Kenny'll wake up tomorrow?"

There was an awkward pause. "I don't know, honey. Good night." She left the room and closed the door. Stan tossed and turned in his bed until he finally went to sleep.


Kenny turned on the TV to see if anything good was on TV. He turned to a channel with all the colors of the rainbow and a lot more new colors moving around, like a moving tie-dye shirt.

"What the—"

The TV sucked Kenny right out of bed and into this strange world. He saw someone familiar in the distance. He walked over to the person and tapped him on the shoulder.

"AHHH!" screamed Kenny. "Stan?"

"Kenny?" asked Stan. "You're alive?"

"No, I'm trapped in this dream, and so are you."

"Why are you wearting eyelashes and makeup?"

Kenny wiped his face off. "Listen, Stan. I want to show you what life would be like if you weren't born." He snapped his fingers and they were in South Park. Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman were at the busstop, and Wendy showed up, looking depressed. The true Kenny and Stan were invisible.

"What's wrong, Wendy?" asked Kyle.

"I kinda feel alone because I don't have a boyfriend."

"Neither does Cartman, but you don't see him moping," said Kenny.

"Ye—HAH!" shouted Cartman.

"You see what life would be like without you?" asked Kenny.

"Yeah," said Stan. "Wendy, don't worry. I'm here for you."

"She can't hear you. This is just a dream. Just tell everyone I'm okay, and to disconnect the life support. Bye, Stan," said Kenny in a sing-song voice, and he disappeared.

POOF! Stan was in bed, tossing and turning in his bed, mumbling "Kenny…Kenny wait…Kenny. KENNY!" He woke up, panting and sweating.

Sharon came running in, hugging her son. "Are you okay, Stan?"

"What happened?" asked Stan.

"You were mumbling in your sleep. Don't worry. It was just a bad dream.

"Was it?" asked Stan.


The next day at school, Stan was freaked out. His eyes were bigger than his hands, he was sweating all over, and he had bags under his eyes.

Was that really Kenny? he thought. That must've just been a bad dream. No way Kenny would—

"Hah, assh---!" said Cartman.

"AHHHH!" shrieked Stan. He turned around to find Kyle and Cartman. "Don't do that, fatass!"

"Hah!" started Cartman. "Don't ya call mah—"

"Whoa, dude!" said Kyle. "What happened to you? You look so…tired and freaked out."

"It's this dream I had last night," started Stan. "Kenny was in it. He showed me what life would be like if I wasn't born, and it sucked! Then he told me to…disconnect him from the life support."

"What?" asked Kyle and Cartman.

"See Kyle?" said Cartman. "Stan's as dumb as me! Waaaaaait…"

"No, dude! I'm serious!" said Stan.

"Are you f---ing nuts, dude? He'll die," said Kyle.

"No he won't! I'll prove it!" said Stan as he ran to the gate at the entrance until someone stopped him.

"Hello, Stan. Where are you going at…(looks at watch) 8:15 in the morning, m'kay?" asked Mr. Mackey, the school's guidance counsler.

"…Nowhere," lied Stan.

"Allright, now get back to class…m'kay?"

Later that morning…

"Okay, children. Let's get this day started," said Mr. Hat. "We have a lot to learn today."

"We sure do, Mr. Hat," said Mr. Garrison. "Now, before we learn the six times tables, Stan has an announcment to make."

Stan got up to the front of the class. "Uh…you all know about Kenny, right? Well, I think we should donate some food and money to his family to make them feel better."

Cartman started laughing. "No f---ing way ah'm givin' my precious food and valuable money to those poor people!" He started laughing some more until Wendy kicked him in the legs.

"I think that's a great idea, Stan," she said. Stan could feel something up his throat.

"And this could make our class a little more giving and considerate," said Bebe. Everyone except Cartman agreed.

"R-really?" asked Stan. "Because I thought—BLAAAURGH!" Stan threw up all over the floor.

"Gross!" groaned the class. Stan blushed from embarrassment.


It was Friday night. Kenny was getting ready to pick his "date." He rented a tux and was wearing it, but he found it uncomfortable, so he took it off.

When he and Mel met at the Dancefloor, they started twisten' and turnin' until they fell on the floor, laughing.

"C'mon," said Mel. "There's somethin' I wanna show ya." She grabbed Kenny's arm and they ran off into this forest. Kenny felt this itch on his back, and scratched it.

(Shadow by Britney Spears plays)

The forest had blue trees with pink leaves, the ground was purple, and the water flowing was green-turquoise. A light breeze was blowing through the air. Mel and Kenny started hugging, kissing, and frolicking in the grass. Then, it started to rain, and they kissed a final kiss in that forest.

After about 20 minutes, they both came out, sopping wet. They were both laughing.

"I can't believe em kcuf isn't German!" laughed Mel.

Kenny's heart was throbbing because he knew it now: he was truly in love, but he had this weird irritation in his back.

Must've been that stupid tux, he thought.

"C'mon, Kenny," said Mel. "Let's go back to the Dancefloor!"

After two weeks of intense therapy and psychological help, Stan felt much better and calm.

The McCormicks had 2000 dollars and twenty pounds of food. They had eaten half of it in the first two weeks, and spent almost all the money to get some new clothes.

Anyway, Stan went to visit Kenny in the hospital, who had all the cast removed from him, but was still on life support.

"Hey, Kenny," said Stan. "Guess what? I'm not crazy anymore, and your family is really happy because we donated food and money to them. I think everything will be just—"

Cartman barged in, panting. Kyle came in, too, but he was mad.

"Stan! Stan!" gasped Cartman. "Ah have somethin' ta tell ya!"

"What?" questioned Stan.

"The doctors…they…they…"

"What?"

"They're gonna…pull ta plug on Kenny."