Chapter 5

At the hospital, Dr. Doctor, Fr. Maxi, Kenny's family, and the boys and their families gathered around Kenny's bed.

"Fellow Christians and the Broflovskis," said Fr. Maxi. "We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of young Kenneth Joshua McCormick. He wasn't a wealthy boy, but he was rich in friendship."

"BOR-ING!" groaned Cartman. Liane slapped him.

Fr. Maxi glared at the little fat kid, then continued. "He was a kind child, although he had man magazines under his bed, but he was a wonderful friend."

Stan was crying into his mom's arms, and Kyle was ready to cry.

"Poor Kenny," said Kyle. "What happens when you die in a coma?"


"I hate this," muffled Kenny. It's been two days since Mel died. His back didn't itch anymore, but he felt something on his back. A tear rolled down his cheeks. "Why the f--- is this happening to me?" He kicked some rocks and jumped on them, but…he felt there was a lighter gravitational pull on him because he floated in the air for a second.

He smelled himself. "Dude! I need a shower." He walked back to his hotel room and he walked into the bathroom. He took off his clothes and turned on the shower. He looked in the mirror and he saw something black and something white growing out of his back. His eyes grew really wide as he saw and felt those things.

"AAAAAAAAH! OH MY F---ING GOD!" gasped Kenny. "I HAVE WINGS!" He went inside the shower to wash himself, but he fell on the ground because his wings were wet.

"Ohhhh, man," he groaned.

Two hours later, his wings were dry. He put his parka back on and he walked around town. He went passed a Italian place where a snake was running the booth.

"Hey-a, kid," he said. He had a thick Italian mustache and he had a bald head. "Whasssssssa matta? You look-a like sssssomeone gave-a you a wedgie."

"I lost my girlfriend a couple of days ago," said Kenny.

"Aw, don't feel ssssso bad, kid," said the snake. "My momma always told me to never stop believing. I ate my wife last week by misssstake, and I believe she will come out just fine in the end. Have sssome gerbil pie." He handed Kenny a slice of gerbil pie with some live gerbils still crawling around.

Kenny felt he was going to barf. "No, thanks." He walked around town some more until—

BBBOOOOONNNNNNGGGG! The metallic noise sounded and Kenny went over to the Dancefloor. The father (named Mufasa) and his son (named Simba. Real original.) were on stage.


"Any last words before I pull the plug?" asked Dr. Doctor.

"You're an assh---, Cartman," said Stan.

"Ah am not!" disagreed Cartman.


"…Kenny McCormick," finshed the cub. Kenny's wings broke out of his parka. The crowd gasped gazing upon the black wing on Kenny's right side and the white wing on his left side.

"He's…the cursed one," said a man in the crowd.

"Huh?" asked Kenny.

The father lion took out a special case with a white side and a black side robe. He put it over Kenny and pushed him into the tube,


"Rest in peace, Kenny," said Stuart. The doctor shut down the power to the life support and it immediately stopped running.


The cub pulled the lever and everyone in the tubes went flying. Kenny felt himself ripping in two. A bright light shone through the tube and practically blinded everyone. When the light was gone, the tube was empty.

Kenny was flying through a light and felt like he was being crushed. Suddenly, he was launched into a place with clouds and happy people in it. A halo landed on his head and he floated down slowly. He knew what this was: Heaven. When he landed on a cloud, he called out "Melissa! ME-LIS-SA!"

"Kenny!" shouted a familiar voice. Mel came running over to Kenny and she hugged him. He was truly home.


"Well, we've done all we could," said Dr. Doctor. "We'll disconnect him tomorrow morning."

Tears rolled down Stan's face. He killed his best friend and he's not coming back…ever.

"I'm sorry, Stanley," said Sharon. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I don't know," replied Stan. Everyone walked out of the room, leaving Kenny's body along in the dark after the doctor turned off the lights.

The sun's light was showing through a slit with the closed curtain on the window. Kenny's body was cold and lifeless like a stone. The slit from the window beamed onto Kenny's inert head. His orange parka reflected some of the light.

Suddenly, Kenny's eyes opened, but with a red glow. The glow disappeared and Kenny rose out of bed. He disconnected himself, and floated up towards the ceiling.

"Today is a new dawning for my new kingdom," he muffled in a deep voice. He fell to the ground and said in his normal voice "Crap! I should probably go home and see my family."

The next morning, Stan went back to the hospital to visit Kenny before the doctors would disconnect Kenny. Stan was carrying a bouquet of flowers, then dropped them. Stan saw what was in Kenny's room: an empty bed and a baffled nurse.

"W-where's Kenny?" asked Stan.

"I don't know," said the nurse. "I think he's out and alive!"

Stan gasped with delight. He ran down all the stairs until he reached the door, then tripped down the last set of stairs, out the door, and into the cold, bitter winter air and snow. Stan saw a shadow that looked familiar. He squinted his eyes and saw…Kenny! Stan got out from the snowdrift and ran to Kenny. "Oh my God! I didn't kill Kenny!" Stan cried with joy as he hugged Kenny. Kenny felt total disgust.

"Stop hugging me," he said in a grave voice.

"Oh, sorry," said Stan as he let go. "C'mon, dude. We have to tell everyone else."


Meanwhile in heaven…

"This is so f---ing cool!" said Kenny as he jumped on his giant cloud bed, totally relaxed.

KNOCK-KNOCK! Mel walked in with a worried look on her face. "Hey, Kenny," she said. "Did you hear the news?"

"No," said Kenny, looking puzzled. Mel turned on the TV, and a hotel channel came on.

"Heaven has a variety of fun activities,fancy food, and all the comforts of home right by your room," said the female voice on the TV.

"Whoops," said Mel. "Here we are. Channel 23." Mel changed the channel, and Tom from the Colorado news was on the screen.

"—leaving the vice president in charge. Now, in the small redneck town of South Park, Colorado, a small boy was once dead, then came back to life! With us for this story is a normal man with a funny name—Creamy Goodness!"

"Thanks, Tom," said Creamy. "Yes, a little 8 year-old boy was once dead, then came back to life. His name is Kenny McCormick.

"I'm live here in front of the McCormick's…uh, house, with more on the story."

Kenny's eyes widened. They practically bulged out of his jacket.

"With me now are the boy's two friends, Kyle Broflovski and Stan Marsh. Stan, how did you react when you saw your dead friend alive?" Kenny was crying because he was happy to see his friends again.

"I was walking to the hospital," started Stan. "And I went into Kenny's room, and he was gone. I asked the nurse where he was, and she said he disappeared, so I ran outside and I found him waiting for me! It was like Jesus coming to South Park!"

"Very interesting given that Jesus LIVES in South Park," said Creamy. "So, Kyle, what was your reaction?"

"I don't know, dude," said Kyle." I guess I was happy. It is unusual, but it's cool."

"Back to you, Tom," finished Creamy. Mel turned off the TV.

"Kenny, don't you see?" asked Mel.

"I see that I'm in heaven and on Earth," said Kenny. "So how can I be here and on Earth?"

"You can't," said Mel. "You are the cursed one."

"I hear that all the time, but what the F--- does it mean?"

"It means you have two souls: one good, one pure evil. The legends say that once every 10,000 years, the two archangels Mykenia and Kenatheous will battle on the Earth for who will rule the universe. The good archangel always wins, though.

"Now that it is the year 2000, the 10,000 years have passed and have been in your body since you were born. You are the only one who can stop the two archangels from destroying the planet, but especially stop the dark archangel."

"Who is the dark archangel?"

"I dunno."

Kenny's face was whiter than Alan Rickman's body. "Is that why I die and then come back the next week?"

"No. I have no idea why that happens, but when you went into the portal last night, you split in two and you have the good archangel in you right now. You have to do something before it's too late."

Kenny gulped. He knew he was in deep shit.


In South Park…

"Wow, Kenny," said Kyle. "What's it like in a coma?"

"Very dark and cold," said Kenny darkly. "But restful."

"Cool," said Stan. "I'm glad I didn't kill you, Kenny. Wanna know what you missed?"

"No." Kenny felt weird. He felt like he was…changing.

"Kennah!" said Cartman.

Kenny went back to normal.

"Want some Cheezah Poofs?" asked Cartman holding out a bag of Cheezy Poofs.

"Sure," replied Kenny.

"Then go an' bah some!" cackled Cartman. Kenny was mad. He felt himself changing. His hair grew longer. It started to stick out of his hood.

"Dude, we donated a lot of money to your family," said Kyle.

"Where is it?" asked Kenny.

"They ate it!" laughed Cartman. Kenny got madder. His hair became black, his pupils were red, and dark, sharp claws grew out of his gloves.

"Whaddya get when ya cross a poor person and another poor person?" asked Cartman.

"Don't do it," warned Stan.

"Kennah!" laughed Cartman until his face turned red. Kenny was really mad now. He was ready to burst until—

"Dude, that's not even funny," said Kyle.

BOOM!

Kenny changed. His hair was long and black, his hands had large, black claws growing out of his claws, his skin was a deep purple, his pupils disappeared and his eyes glowed a crimson red, black, sharp, pointy wings grew out of his back, his hood was off, and he had a dark glow around him.

Hate, cruelty, and universal domination was in his blood. He wasn't Kenny anymore. Kenny was stuck inside, trying to get out. His body was taken over by the dark archangel—Kenatheous.

"Dude, this is SO f---ed up right now," said Stan as he, Cartman, and Kyle were in the snow, blown away by the blast.

"Behold," said Kenatheous in a dark and slightly deeper voice. "I am the dark archangel, Kenatheous, and you shall bow down before me." He took out his right hand and a dark purple glow came out and struck the boys, making them bow down to him.

Then Butters, Timmy, Token, Clyde, Craig, and Tweek came to see what was going on.

"Oh, h-h-hey guys," said Butters.

"What are you doing here?" asked Token. The six boys looked at Kenatheous, who was glaring right at them.

"TIMMAH!" shouted Timmy. "Timmah?"

The purple glow made the other boys bow down, as well.

Craig wanted to be the hero for once, so with his best effort, he raised his middle finger and whispered "Dipsh--."

Then—

ZAAAPP!

Craig's body was almost destroyed. Blood was everywhere, bones were sticking out, his remaining eye was completely out of socket, and skin was torn off almost every bosy part.

"Oh my God! They killed Craig!" said Stan.

"You bastard!" said Kyle.

"SILENCE!" screamed Kenatheous. "If you don't obey me, you will end up like your friend here." The sun turned black, the sky went red, and they clouds turned a very strong grey.

"Oh, deep f---," said Clyde.