Final Fantasy: Asylum Death-trip Remix
Chapter 1: Ball-suck temple
By SoulfulZen Thelema Mephistos
Disclaimer: Don't own FFX, don't own the musicians mentioned, don't own any other shit I might throw into here.
Summary: Like so many before, FFX with SoulfulZen in it. Chapter by chapter of hell-orgy-tastic carnage, humor, sex and drugs will befall the unlucky schmuck who reads or writes this. Meaning you and me. If you're reading this, YOU'RE ALREADY TRAPPED! Oh yeah, the Al Bhed in this is really Al Bhed.
I was sitting on my ass one night, somewhat unconscious. I couldn't sleep, and I needed something to do while I let the Tylenol PMs I had taken kicked in. So, I was up starting a new file on Final Fantasy X. I had my headphones on and my CD player quietly roaring the wraithlike vocals of Cradle of Filth. (Dani is teh ROXXORz) I have always hated how long it takes to get through the fucking Zanarkand pre-level, so I was just going as fast as I could. I didn't notice the third option on the travelers' sphere after Sinspawn Ammes.
Oh, but how rude of me. I am SoulfulZen's true form, a rather pitiful teenage guy with sea-green eyes, wavy blonde hair just short of being tied back, a meager showing of brown and white hairs on my chin, a mustache just starting to come into fruition, a black RANCID t-shirt and a pair of red plaid lounge pants, as well as a leather armlet, spiked and studded. My name is of no concern to you. PISS OFF.
As I hurried through the dream sequence, I had the strangest feeling. It was like veins of static were crawling across me from I didn't know where. I thought it might have been the music, so I went up and grabbed my CD case. I began mumbling as I flipped through. "Hmm... Atreyu? Nope. KoRn? Nope. HIM? Nope. Manson? Nope. Carfax Abbey? Nah, I've listened it to death. Evanescence? Possibly. Short music? Ah hell, why not." I pulled out my copy of Short Music for Short People and popped it in.
It was not ten seconds before I came to the save point. When I opened the command map, I noticed a third option: ADD NEW PARTY MEMBER. My eyebrow rose, as I selected it. It asked me for the party member's name. I put in my name, SoulfulZen, and continued. The process I went through was complex, from weapon designs and names to the character's garments. When I checked through and was satisfied, I chose to finish. That was the last thing I saw.
Tidus walked warily across the stone bridge. It seemed strong enough, but he wasn't sure, and he didn't want to fall into the water. Suddenly, he noticed something flit through the dark pool below. Now he REALLY didn't want to fall in. He was at the apex, when something black fell from the sky and crashed through the bridge. He tried to run and reach land before there were no more stones to run on, but to no avail. Three strange fish quickly dogged him under. He drew his new sword and lashed out at one, killing it. Suddenly, a second one charged him. He braced himself for the pain, but it never came. Instead, a mysterious figure in black was floating there in a cloud of fish blood, wielding a scythe and katana.
However, before they could kill the third one, a giant creature came along and bit it in half. The creature faced them. Its head was like that of a snapping turtle with several glowing eyes. It had large, fist-like fins, tentacles and a water-bladder for propulsion, and an apparent ribcage. It was called Geosgaeno. The mysterious man swam over to it and flipped just above its head, leaving massive gashes on its head with his scythe. Tidus quickly gave it a large slice across the chest. This seemed to irritate it, so it began trying to suck Tidus up. He was swimming frantically, when he saw the man in black pointing to a doorway, then swimming through. He swam with all his might to the door, the beast just behind him. He was almost halfway into the beast's mouth when it crashed into the opening. He escaped, but both he and the man in black were trapped. They were out of the frying pan and into the freezer.
As he shook the water out of his long, black hair and trench coat, the man mumbled, "This is like one of those fucking bad fan fics that everyone writes and just throws themselves into a fucking Final Fantasy game. How the fuck did that character create thing pop up anyway? Augh. At least I still have my CDs."
"Uh, who are you?" Tidus asked.
"Who? Oh, you. Yeah," he said, "I'm SoulfulZen. I'm from a little place called hell. And you're Tidus, blitzball player from Zanarkand and son of Jecht. Welcome to Spira, bitch."
"How do you know me?"
"... Shut the fuck up. I know for reasons that would make you feel suicidal and insignificant. Any more questions?"
"Any idea how I can get home?"
"Yes, but you have to earn the answer. My price? You let me slit your throat and drink you dry."
"Uh, anything less deadly?"
"No. You'll find out later if you don't take me up on that offer, so just follow your fucking heart, you'll see," the goth kid griped. He did NOT have time for this. He knew that the only way for him to get out of the game world was to beat it. After all, that's how shit went in this world. If only the Paradox laws didn't apply, he could at least prevent all of the ill-timed emotional trauma Tidus would go through. Damn it, being a time-lord sucked sometimes!
Tidus was the first to see the old logs, and quickly realized how little it would take to relight the flames. SoulfulZen sent him up the staircase to find a dry bouquet, as he grabbed the flint from the desk he knew was there. They lit the fire and relaxed, as SoulfulZen tested his CD player. Still good. Plus, the batteries were new, and he had a few discs and spares in his case. Maybe he could make this work.
Suddenly, the fire started dying. Tidus started trying desperately to keep it lit. SoulfulZen said, "It's dying out. The only thing here we could burn besides ourselves is that big, mantis-looking thing behind you that's been watching us for the last half hour, and I think that killing it would be quite fortuitous." He whipped around and threw his sword up just in time to block the claws. SoulfulZen grinned. He ran over and slammed his scythe into the beast's back, then stabbed it in the head with his katana. It tried to counterattack him, but he back flipped out of the way. As he landed, it leaped at him again, but he quickly spun out of the way. As he landed, something clattered groundwards. He glanced, and realized that the Klikk had split his CD player clean in half. When he saw this, his eyes glowed a fiery red.
"You broke my fucking CD player! I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" he screamed as he charged forwards, blood in his eyes. He swung his scythe horizontally, then followed up with a heavy katana uppercut, launching it into the air. He slammed it earthwards with the scythe, then followed up with spiraling slashes. By the time he was done, there was little left but goo. He was slightly hunched over, panting with rage. Tidus slowly began backing off. Suddenly, a large door in the room burst open. Four people in weird jumpsuits came over, knocked Tidus out, and dragged him off, while SoulfulZen followed. However, the strangers took one look at SoulfulZen's green eyes and nodded. He nodded in return, and followed them. Suddenly, he stopped and pulled out his CD, player and handed it to one of the men, then said something in a strange language. The man replied, and he grinned.
It was almost an hour before Tidus reawakened. He was on what seemed to be some kind of work ship. It was steel, and had a large crane on the side, which he was leaning against. He awoke with a start. On the ship were the men who had knocked him out! He jumped up and drew his sword, ready to defend himself. A girl in a pink jumpsuit stepped forwards and said, "Put your sword down! Nobody wants to hurt you."
Another one of them walked towards another part of the crane and handed up a strange device. Tidus heard someone say, "Hmm? Oh! Dryhgc." It was the man in black, SoulfulZen! He jumped down and said, "So, finally awake?"
"Man, he's a heavy sleeper," said the girl.
"You're telling me!"
"Hey, not to interrupt, but where in the Sam Hill am I?" the confused blitzer asked. SoulfulZen chuckled.
"Do you want to get thrown off the ship?" he asked.
"Uh, no."
"Then shut up. You're going to earn yourself a temporary place here," SoulfulZen said, "and when we hit land, we'll disembark."
"But what if we're not at Zanarkand," Tidus replied, "What then?" The girl in pink ran over.
"You're heading to Zanarkand! Are you a summoner?" she perked up immediately. Something about his answer was going to be important. SoulfulZen noticed a man in grey overalls with tattoos perk his ears up subtly, trying to hear without being conspicuous.
"Uh, what? I don't… think so. I'm just trying to get home."
"Home to Zanarkand? Uh, not to burst your bubble, but Zanarkand was destroyed 1000 years ago," she said. Tidus stared in shock, before SoulfulZen grabbed him and threw him into the water.
"What was that for!" the outraged and now very wet blitzer protested.
"Hey, have you earned your keep on the ship? No! The three of us are going to power up the artifact down there." Tidus rolled his eyes in frustration as SoulfulZen put his now-rubber-encased CD player into his pocket and popped his ear-buds in and his Atreyu CD on. The three dove in and swam quickly into the wreck, SoulfulZen wearing a small regulator (after all, nobody can hold their breath for ten minutes except video game characters).
Down in the ruins, the three saw what looked like an old computer. Tidus began banging on it before SoulfulZen pointed out a button that said in plainest terms "ON". However, it was in a device similar to a blender. Tidus whimpered, but his companions scowled at him. He shoved his hand in the device and hit the on button, but withdrew only a bleeding stump. As the door opened, SoulfulZen gestured to Riku that he'd take Tidus up for first aid.
On the surface, when they broke, Tidus began screaming in pain. SoulfulZen, not in the mood for his bullshit, pulled a Band-Aid out of his pocket and stuck it to Tidus's eye. He ripped it off, taking a good chunk of eyelashes with it. Tidus shouted, "What the fuck did you do that for!"
"Stop bitching about your damn eye and look at your stump!" he said. Surprisingly, it was gone. Er… back. Well, it doesn't matter. You know what I mean. He was intact (minus the missing eyelashes).
Up on the top of a ship was a dark shadow that shouted down, "Hey! That's my trick!"
"Sorry Nny-san! I'll make it up to you! We'll go beat the shit out of that little troll in the chair later!"
"Sounds good!" the killer said as he jumped into a plot hole. After a few seconds of reeling in confusion, Tidus and SoulfulZen went back under to meet up with Riku. The two met her halfway down, and they continued through the wreck. Tidus was repeatedly chewed to death by piranhas, but cured by SoulfulZen's Curing Band-aid spell (cost: 1 MP, heals ally to max health-1). By the time they reached the main reactor, SoulfulZen had spent almost 75 MP on Tidus alone. SoulfulZen quickly hit the "on" button, which was electrified, and healed himself. He bubbled something in Al Bhed to Riku, and they both swam quickly out through a hole in the ship, leaving Tidus alone.
On the deck, Riku asked SoulfulZen, "Cu frydc tufh drana dryd fa cruimt mayja pmuht-puo du vyla ymuha?"
"Famm, madc zicd cyo ramm hajan caa dahdylmac dra cysa fyo ykyeh." Riku raised one eyebrow and smirked, her mind racing. Well, either way, she was glad that whatever it was, it wasn't her business. They just sat there for about ten or fifteen minutes, when SoulfulZen hopped up and said, "It's taking too long. I'll go see if I need to save his ass or not." He dived in, carrying Tidus up over his shoulder only moments later. Tidus's pans were around his ankles, the overalls binding his arms utterly.
The blitzer whimpered, moaning something about his ass hurting. SoulfulZen told him that he'd "hook him up with some Preparation H in a few." A little while later, Tidus, SoulfulZen and Riku were out on deck, chatting about the strangers' pasts. Riku had just finished explaining that Zanarkand was a thousand-year-old ruin.
"So, where'd you come from?" SoulfulZen shrugged.
"Doesn't matter. Somewhere far away from Spira."
"What was it called? I might have heard of it."
"Look, I know how and when I'm getting back, so does it really matter?"
"I'm just curious." she said, looking hurt.
SoulfulZen sighed. "Sorry. I came from a boring, stagnant, dull place with corrupt, ineffective leaders and hordes of stupid people leading each other on pointless crusades to impossible goals. So often, I felt like I was the only fucking person with a fully working brain. Even more often, I just wanted to bust out and kill every single dumbass, brain-dead, worthless motherfucker I could get my hands on. I'm really glad to get away for a while." Riku tried to imagine Spira like that, but she couldn't. And yes readers, I am talking about where I actually come from. The three sat back and watched the stars pass above.
Suddenly, SoulfulZen clapped his hands together. In an odd voice, he half-sung "All aboard. Hit the road." and grabbed Tidus by the shoulder. "Well, Riku, I'm sorry we can't stay longer, but I can feel Sin coming close. Riku, E fyhd oui du cyem facd yc vycd yc oui lyh ihdem dra cih necac, drah cyem hundr ihdem cihcad dra haqd tyo, ihtancduut? Kuut. Well, see you later!" SoulfulZen and a protesting Tidus jumped overboard, and all went black.
