-1Final Fantasy: Asylum Death-trip Remix
Chapter 2: Islands make me sick…
By SoulfulZen
Disclaimer: I STILL don't own shit. And yes, KFC still owns "Finger Lickin' Good"
Summary: Our heroes arrive on Besaid, and I make my first major alteration to the story. I REALLY don't like Wakka. If you fucks do, whatever. I don't like the back-water racist monkey. Oh yeah, I'm making this up as I go. And, once again, it's real Al Bhed.
Tidus shot to consciousness, finding himself floating near a bright, tropical beach in clear blue waters. Near him was the wholly ill-tempered SoulfulZen, who, in the circumstances, looked much like an angry housecat. His hair was curling quite a bit. He wore his expression like a sword, warding anyone else off. He seethed, "I hate humidity." Suddenly, a blitzball landed on Tidus's face. SoulfulZen quickly scrawled something on the side of it with a sharpie, before lobbing it to Tidus, who performed a perfect sphere shot, sending it right into the face of a red-haired islander. The two walked onto the land.
The redhead, Wakka (as he introduced himself), asked Tidus to try the shot again. SoulfulZen nabbed the ball, threw it about ten feet into the air, leaped up, and slammed it into the cliff wall, with "Yevon Sucks" sticking out. He bowed, and said, "If you think that's good, you should see me in goal."
"Hey, why'd you write that on my ball?" Wakka asked. Tidus pointed to his black-clad companion.
"Because I really don't like Yevon, and I REALLY don't like you, bucky beaver." SoulfulZen twitched, and Wakka's arm fell off, leaving a charred stub. Wait. Rewind that. In extra slow motion. SoulfulZen drew his sword, cleanly sliced Wakka's arm off above the elbow, flicked the blade to get the blood off, and returned it to its sheath. THEN Wakka's arm fell off. Then, before he could bleed, SoulfulZen cast a weak fire spell on the stump, cauterizing it. All in the blink of an eye.
FYI: The "Major Alteration" is Wakka losing his arm. I'll be slicing bits of the fucker off throughout the story :)
The three chatted for a bit about blitzball, and eventually, the one-armed islander got the two strangers to play for his team in the finals in exchange for room and board until after the finals. Strangely, the subject of Wakka's newly-missing limb never came up.
In a few moments, the guys got to the cliff. Wakka pushed Tidus into the water below, and SoulfulZen drop-kicked Wakka in the back, sending him over the edge, before swan-diving in. A few minutes later, Wakka began explaining Sin and the whole machina thing. "How do you not know that?" he asked, oblivious.
"We both got sucked up by Sin," SoulfulZen replied. "The toxin erased almost all of his memory of Spira. Of course, there's some things he'd be glad to forget about this gilded land."
"Oh, so the toxin made you super-violent?" Wakka asked.
"No. That's just how I am."
"Did you lose memories or something?"
"Nope. My brain is untouched."
"Uh, did it implant that corded machina in your ears?"
"No, that's my music player. My only source of entertainment."
"Any physical defects?"
"None I didn't have already."
"Oh, you got some mark or something."
"Look, would you cut it out? Sin's toxin didn't do anything to me. It didn't effect me AT ALL. So would you please shut the fuck up?"
"Ah, I see now. It gave you a bad attitude and a distrust of authority."
"No. Logic and disappointment in mankind did that. Anyone who has power over me does not have my trust. And the attitude? I'm just in a funk right now." SoulfulZen's hand twitched again. Wakka squeaked very loudly. Rewind that, in slow-motion. SoulfulZen rammed Wakka in the gonads with the butt of his scythe, kicked him, then whacked him with the sheath of his katana. He returned his weapons, and THEN Wakka's mind registered the intense pain dealt to his daddyberries.
"What was that for?" Wakka asked about three octaves above his normal voice.
"Huh? Oh, that was a piranha, not me." Wakka believed this ridiculous lie, and smashed a piranha (which just happened to be nearby) into the bed of the lake-lagoon-estuary-thing. The three were walking towards the village, Tidus and Wakka in a conversation about their blitzball careers, making up some dumb chant about winning. As soon as Wakka showed them his house, SoulfulZen crashed for a wink or two. He knew that until the whole shit with the Cloister went down, the game was dull. Besides, an hour or two cat-napping wouldn't hurt.
Two hours later, SoulfulZen awoke to find Tidus just rousing himself. Rolling his eyes, he and the blond ran towards the temple. While Tidus got the full explanation on why he shouldn't intrude, SoulfulZen simply admired the architecture. It really did look cooler in real life. As soon as Tidus ran through the door, SoulfulZen followed, saying "I'll make sure he doesn't break anything."
Tidus just stared in wonder and cluelessness at the instructions involving spheres and slots and whatnot. SoulfulZen walked down and asked Tidus to hang on a moment. A minute later, the man in black returned carrying a strange rod. "There. Now all you have to do is push the pedestal onto the platform. Can you do tha… shit. I dropped my CD case. You go wait for me by the pedestal, I'll grab it. They walked down into the cloister, where SoulfulZen walked over towards the chest where he got the rod. He pissed on the wall in a symbolic desecration of the place. After all, we know what Yevon really is. And besides, he'd had to piss since he woke up. Zipping his fly, he returned to the pedestal. Tidus had shoved it onto the platform when Wakka came along. The three rode the lift down, the redhead explaining the basic ideas of summoner and guardians.
In the chamber, Lulu and Kimahri were waiting for Yuna to come out. As soon as Lulu saw Wakka, she was furious. When she saw the blonde guy with him, she was even angrier. But when she saw the black-haired man, her first thought was, "Now HE'S cute."
SoulfulZen's first thoughts when he saw Lulu included, "Damn, is she wearing anything under those belts?" "Wow. Her figure's even better than in the game." and "Mmm. Big, supple breasts. Finger lickin' good."
Yuna stumbled out of the cloister, smiling. She fell, but Kimahri caught her. She stood up and took a few paces forwards, when Lulu said, "Well done. But where's your bra?" Yuna glanced down and realized that it was indeed gone.
"Where did it go? I had it on when I went into the chamber, and I didn't take it off. Hmm. Ah well, I have another one." The group went outside so that Yuna could show everyone she was a summoner. The aeon flew down from above, landing for everyone to see. It walked over to SoulfulZen and lowered its head. The raven-haired one scratched its neck, giving a small smile.
"Your name. It's Quetzel, isn't it?" The aeon gave a squawk of happiness. Yuna smiled and dismissed it. SoulfulZen gave a great yawn and went back to sleep in the vacant lodge. Sleep was going to be at a premium on this trip, and he didn't really care about the party. However, that evening, Wakka dragged him out of bed to meet the team.
Tidus asked the team's goal and got the predictable response. SoulfulZen then said, "I vote 'Take No Prisoners'."
"Hmm. Good, but our goal is victory." The blitzers chanted victory as SoulfulZen trucked off to his bed, then remembered Lulu and Wakka's chat about Chappu. He relaxed, asleep but aware of everything. As soon as he heard Lulu and Wakka talking outside, he stood up. He snuck outside, making not a ruffle or peep. He hid just inside of Wakka's empty house, feet out of sight. As soon as Wakka entered, he heard a noise to his left. He looked, but nothing was there. Wait. Rewind that and play it in slow motion.
As soon as Wakka passed into his house, SoulfulZen drew his scythe and with a calculated accuracy, sliced Wakka's ball-sack clean off. Another cauterizing fire spell and SoulfulZen dashed back to his bed for a night's sleep. Wakka had little intimation that he would never have children.
The next morning, SoulfulZen met up with Yuna and her guardians (plus Tidus) at the little statue above the village. "Hey, Yuna, catch!" he said as he tossed a staff to her.
"Thank you! What is it?"
"It's a staff Tidus found in the cloister. He asked me to keep it safe for you, and safe is where I have kept it. It should make your magic and summoning a little stronger."
"Thank you so much, Tidus!" Tidus blushed, grinned and gave SoulfulZen a quick wink.
"No problem, Yuna." A few minutes later, the group was walking down the hill. When a small Dingo leaped out of the woods, Tidus slashed it in half without a though. The sword he carried was different from the one he had brought from Zanarkand. It was the Brotherhood sword, the blue one. Wakka knocked a few Condors out of the sky, and Lulu zapped a few Water Flans.
Suddenly, near a bunch of ruins, SoulfulZen sensed something. He dashed ahead, only to be surrounded by three Garudas. He grinned. Now for a bit of violence. He drew his weapons, and slammed the butt of his scythe to the ground. "Powers of Darkness, defeat my foe!" he shouted. One Garuda erupted in a black flame. His eyes glowed purple and a black aura appeared around him. He skewered the second Garuda through the chest, then slashed its throat open to the end of its tail, skinning it. He leaped at the third one and landed behind it. It squawked, then fell into tiny cubes. All three vanished into pyreflies. He returned to normal, and everyone proceeded. Everyone except the frozen-in-fear Tidus. It took him a moment or two to snap out of his daze. Long enough for him to be almost landed on by Kimahri. They had a quick spar, then proceeded along.
Everyone except Kimahri and SoulfulZen hurried down the trail. The two waited for a moment before SoulfulZen asked, "Do you have the item I requested?" Kimahri nodded and handed over Yuna's missing bra.
"And where is Kimahri's payment?" SoulfulZen grinned and tossed him a sack the size of a soccer ball.
"75,000 gil, just as you wanted. Count it if you wish." Kimahri smiled a bit, and the two tucked their treasures into their pockets. They met up with the others at the docks a few minutes later. As they prepared to board, SoufulZen shouted back, "Vilg Oui Ymm!"
End of chapter 2! Next up: My Ferry Lady or Please Just Killika Me. And I bet you didn't know Kimahri was so good at stealing shit! Well I hope this doesn't go over like a turd in a punchbowl. Peace and knife-sex!
