Disclaimer: SD and relevant characters belong to Inoue Takehiko.
Warnings: Shounen-ai. Mild angst, plotlessness, and vagueness.
Notes: The exact sentences and words of this fic randomly materialized in my mind in the course of a taxi ride during my recent stay in Penang. I am at odds to explain why or where the idea came from. I am not an avid shipper of KoshSen, so I have no idea why this fic was part of my writing spurt. But I am exceedingly glad for it, and sincerely hope you guys enjoy it.
AWAKE
There is method in his madness.
When he dreams that he lies in the warmth of strong, open arms, contours of moist skin caressed by coarse bristles of black, and he imagines dirty fantasies of hands and hot mouths, he makes sure it is alone in the dark. When he looks at him, he is precise in his timing, his gaze never lingering for too long or turning away too suddenly. He diligently studies and plays the role of the loyal friend, and never steps beyond that boundary. He has seen what it has done to people, and he knows better than to be so careless.
When he witnesses the expression on his face when he sees her for the first time, he does not react. He does not ask questions after he sees them kissing behind the bike shed after school one autumn afternoon. When he is introduced to her, he is meticulous in his polite courtesy. When it becomes official that they are a couple, he smiles and remains steadfast by his side.
He begins to dream repetitions of the everyday events which are traces of his rejection, and awakes with the unmistakable moisture of bottomless anguish staining the surface of his skin. His emotions burst out of him in unexpected, uncontrollable fits of anger and unfounded wrath, attacks of vicious rhetoric on innocent bystanders, acquaintances, friends. He suspects that he is losing the method in his madness.
It is summer when Ikegami approaches him. "She knows." he is told. He is uncomprehending.
"She knows, man." Ikegami repeats. "She knows that you want her."
He is speechless.
"You can't do this, Koshino." Ikegami presses on. "You and Sendoh are best friends. You don't do that to a brother."
He finds that she avoids him, and there are awkward silences when she walks past. Sendoh no longer smiles at him, and they talk little. There is guilt permanently burned into his eyes, but for all the wrong reasons. Their friendship disintegrates into a façade of omission.
And still, he dreams.
He realizes that he has lost all method to his madness.
