Author's note: Time to have fun! …Ok, so she might a little bit out of character. But she's drunk, so give her a break!
Chapter 2: delicate, gorgeous, and wasted
"Damn, this has been the most boring weekend ever," Sanosuke said, interlocking his fingers behind his head. The tall man and his two shorter buddies were strolling down the street, all three of them looking grumpy.
"Usually there's something going on in this town," Shinpachi mused, yawning. "I guess all the interesting folks picked this weekend to go on vacation."
Heisuke sighed, looking considerably more dejected than his two companions. Shinpachi looked over at him, and then patted him on the arm compassionately. "Cheer up, Heisuke," Shinpachi said half-heartedly. "You didn't really love her anyway, did you? Sure, she was the hottest thing we ever saw, but I'm sure you'll be able settle for something a little less hot that is also a little less likely to strip you of all your cash and then dump you for a disgustingly wealthy old geezer, right?"
"Guys," Heisuke muttered miserably. "I'm going to kill myself."
"Oh, shut up," Sano said. "You say that every time you get ditched and there's not a single scratch on your beautiful white belly yet."
"I mean it this time," Heisuke said listlessly, staring at the ground. "I'm sick of the world. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless."
"God, it's depressing when you're in one of these moods, Heisuke," Shinpachi muttered, sounding genuinely annoyed.
"Sor-ree," Heisuke said sarcastically. "But I'm the one who just got dumped by 'the hottest thing we ever saw', remember? I had a really good thing going on for a while. I had a beautiful dream. She was the one."
"Heisuke… we warned you from the start about that girl. Everybody from here to Edo knows she's a money-hungry little slut, and you were dumb enough to fall for her! It's your own fault," Shinpachi declared.
"I feel like I just got my heart torn out and trampled while a dog took a piss in the gaping hole in my chest," Heisuke said, a little too graphically, as tears formed in his eyes. He glared at Shinpachi and Sano, sniffling. "But I guess asking for a little sympathy from my best friends would be asking too much."
"Groan!" Sano said, rolling his eyes. "Hey man, I've got a little money left. Come on, Heisuke, lemme buy you a drink."
"I don't want a drink," Heisuke moaned. "I just want to be loved. But it's hopeless, I'm telling you."
"There's a tavern right there," Shinpachi said, grabbing Heisuke's arm. Together he and Sano pulled their weakly- protesting friend towards the dismal-looking little bar.
"Nobody will ever love me," Heisuke moaned, tears running down his face. Sano pushed aside the curtain that half-obscured the entrance to the tavern, revealing a person who was just on her way out.
Sano and Shinpachi gasped. Standing before them was a girl who was at least twice as hot as 'the hottest thing they ever saw'. She was elegant, slender, and graceful, she was pale and pure as snow with jet-black hair and dark, enticing, enigmatic eyes. Her mouth was a perfect pout, and she smelled absolutely divine. She stared at Heisuke for half a moment, and began breathing in audible little gasps that seemed, to the three men, to be the most sensuous sounds they had ever heard. Suddenly that perfectly white face flushed with heat, and she collapsed against Heisuke, who managed to catch her awkwardly.
"I love you," the girl gasped in a beautiful, tremulous whisper, her slender fingers clutching the fabric of Heisuke's haori. And then, suddenly, she was kissing him. Sano and Shinpachi could do nothing but stare, while Heisuke stood there, completely stunned, eyes wide as saucers. At last the girl took her tongue out of Heisuke's mouth and rested her head on his chest, hugging him tightly and shivering a little.
"Uh… guys?" Heisuke asked in a very high-pitched voice, sweat rolling down the sides of this face. He looked back and forth between Sano and Shinpachi, his arms wrapped around the lovely delicate angel who had thrown herself at him. "I… Uh…" Heisuke continued, swallowing. "Everything's a little hazy, but, uh, I remember saying I was going to kill myself, and, wow, did I actually succeed? Is this heaven? Am I dead?"
"Uhh…" Sano and Shinpachi chorused stupidly.
The girl nodded. "You're dead," she whimpered breathlessly. "But I don't care. I love you."
"Hey you all," came a grumpy voice from inside the tavern. "In or out! You can't just loiter in the doorway forever."
"Suman, suman!" Shinpachi called, and tugged Heisuke's sleeve. "Come on, man, let's go inside."
"I'm fine right here, actually," Heisuke said, dazed. Sano carefully steered Heisuke and the girl into the tavern and got them seated next to each other at a table. The girl slouched against Heisuke, still breathing in lovely, ragged little gasps. A waitress came by with sake for the three men, and they all gulped down a shot right away.
"Man, what's with this chick?" Sano grumbled, sniffing the air noisily. "She smells better than Ayu's cooking."
"It's some kind of perfume, you idiot," Shinpachi barked. "And in addition to smelling like several gardens worth of sweetly forbidden fruit, she's utterly sloshed."
"And she kissed me," Heisuke added, still in shock.
"Uh, yeah, if you call that kissing," Sano said loudly. "Looked like she was trying to suck your soul out through your mouth!"
"It might've worked," Heisuke said, turning pink. "I'm feeling… really… strange. Kinda light-headed. Kinda… floaty."
"That's because you're a ghost," the girl said in a tiny, slurred voice. "Ghosts are floaty."
"wow…" Heisuke said in a dreamy voice. "So are Sano and Shinpachi ghosts too, or am I just imagining them?"
"I don't care," the girl said, reaching up to Heisuke's face and running her fingers through his bangs. "All I care about is you, Akira-sama."
"Dude…" Heisuke said. "Did you guys know you get a new name when you die? It's weird. I don't even remember doing it. I hope I didn't disgrace myself. Which one of you was my second, or was it Souji?"
"Heisuke, you're not dead!" Shinpachi told him, exasperated. "The girl is drunk. Maybe the perfume's messing with your brain. Sano, get her off of him for a minute, will you?"
"Come here, missy," Sano said, half lifting, half dragging the girl to the other side of the table. He held her upright with both hands. Her head rolled forward until her chin was resting on her chest.
"Snap out of it, Heisuke," Shinpachi said, shaking his friend's shoulders.
"What happened?" Heisuke asked, eyeing the girl across the table suspiciously. She seemed to have slipped into a doze.
"This totally hot babe jumped on you," Shinpachi summarized. "She said you were dead and she called you 'Akira-sama'."
"That's weird," Heisuke said, blinking. "I wonder why she did that?"
"Drunk people do some weird stuff," Shinpachi said, clearly speaking from experience. "Anyway let's get you another drink and not worry about it. Mysterious women like this one are only good for causing problems."
"But she's beautiful and mysterious," Heisuke said. "Don't be so quick to judge her!"
"Hmm…" Shinpachi said, tucking up his bottom lip in his famous 'kitten-face' expression. "I think I've got it. You must look like her dead husband or lover or somebody."
"You think so?" Heisuke asked, wide-eyed. "oh, wow- that's so romantic!"
"I dunno," Sano said. "You really think an average-looking guy like Heisuke could get a hot chick like this for a lover?"
"Fiancé," the girl mumbled.
"Man, she's got a sexy voice," Sano exclaimed, practically drooling.
"You idiot, did you hear what she said?" Shinpachi screeched.
"Fiancé!" Heisuke repeated, mesmerized by the word. "And look how she's dressed! She's obviously from a good family. You know what that probably means?"
Shinpachi nodded, his expression grave. "It means she's probably a v-i-r-"
"VIRGIN?" Sano yelled, and everyone in the room turned to look. Shinpachi put his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands.
"Oh man, how did we ever get into this mess?" he groaned. Sano laughed heartily, patting the semi-conscious girl on the back.
"HAH!" Sano roared. "Are you trying to be funny, Shinpachi? A virgin as good-looking as THIS, here is Kyoto? Have you forgotten that HIJIKATA has been in town for like a year now? WAH HAH HA!"
"Use your brain, Sano," Shinpachi said. "Obviously she's not from around here. This is probably her first night alone in the city, which explains why she was dumb enough to get this trashed."
Sano's mouth fell open as he turned sheet-white and let go of the girl as if she had suddenly caught fire. With a small uncomfortable whimper, the girl collapsed forward onto the table and remained there.
"god, Sano, be careful!" Heisuke said angrily.
"So you're saying she might really be… I mean, you're saying there's a chance that this delicious-smelling babe has actually never….?" Sano stammered.
"I'm saying there's a very good chance of that," Shinpachi confirmed with a nod.
"Oh damn, this is bad," Sano said, sweating. "This means trouble, this means BIG trouble, Shinpachi! You don't… I don't… we can't be messing around with this girl!"
"I KNOW that," Shinpachi exclaimed, looking ill.
"Stop it, both of you," Heisuke scolded. "She's not poisonous. She's a beautiful, innocent angel-butterfly who happens to havea certain kind of appeal that would put 9 out of 10 Kyoto geigi to shame. It's not her fault that she's delicate, gorgeous, and wasted! She's obviously been sent to us for a reason. She needs our help!"
"Whoa, whoa, Heisuke," Shinpachi said, suspicious. "Please don't tell me you're already infatuated with this girl."
"But Shinpachi! She flew right into my arms! Her lovely precious heart was beating against MY heart! You have no idea what that was LIKE, Shinpachi!"
"Heh heh," Sano snickered. "That's because when a woman flies into Shinpachi's arms, her heart beats against his forehead. Or against the air above it!"
"Shut UP," Shinpachi scowled, annoyed. "For your information, there are plenty of short women out there, and plenty of beautiful short women, all of whom you don't even notice because they're shorter than me! Anyway, Heisuke, PLEASE come to your senses. She jumped at you because she thought you were someone else. It's kind of sad, actually."
"Tragic, even," Heisuke agreed. "And that's what makes it even more romantic!"
"Ugh!" Shinpachi grunted, rolling his eyes. "Well we can't just leave her here. We'll have to take her back to headquarters for tonight. When she sobers up in the morning we'll find out who she is and where she came from. Sano, pick her up and let's go."
"No WAY," Sano said, slamming his fist on the table and making the empty sake dishes jump. "I'm not touching her. I'm not going to be involved in any kind of scandal with a beautiful virgin from out-of-town. Her dad is probably like, Lord of Aizu or somebody, and I'll bet she has like ten older brothers who are all Noh actors." Sano shivered.
"Noh actors?" Shinpachi repeated, blinking. "What the hell? Sano…are you telling us you're actually scared of Noh actors?"
"You mean you AREN'T?" Sano asked, aghast. The tall man shivered again. "Man, they totally creep me out. But anyway I'm not carrying this girl for you. Heisuke's her dead lover, so I think he should do it."
"It will be an honor to carry her," Heisuke said breathlessly.
They managed to transport the passed-out girl all the way back to Shinsengumi headquarters without any incidents.
"Are you sure we aren't going to get in trouble for this?" Sano asked Shinpachi for the hundredth time. Shinpachi scowled at him and then knocked softly on the door in front of him. A moment later, a very sleepy-looking Captain Okita slid back the shouji.
"Something going on?" he yawned. "Goodness, it's late."
"We've brought this girl," Sano blurted out anxiously.
Souji scowled. "Honestly, did you HAVE to bring her back to headquarters? Can't you have fun with her at the place you found her at? I know I've overlooked it in the past, but surely by now the novelty of breaking the rules has worn off..."
"No, no, this is different!" Sano said, sweating. "This one might be a you-know-what!"
"A… Choshu spy?" Souji guessed, frowning.
"No! a V-I-R- you know what! " Sano whispered desperately.
Souji's frown deepened and he put a hand on his hip. "Hold on a minute. Where did you get her from?" he asked crossly.
"That's the whole problem," Shinpachi explained in an urgent whisper. "This isn't an iromachi girl. We ran into her at a bar downtown."
"You're kidnapping girls from bars now?" Souji asked, disgusted.
"No, no, no, we rescued her!" Shinpachi said. "She was already wasted when we got there. She would've spent the night out in the gutter if we hadn't brought her here."
"How noble of you," Souji said, his tone still disapproving. "But I don't understand why you felt you had to confess all of this to me."
"Don't you get it?" Sano hissed. "We can't leave her with Heisuke because she thinks he's her dead fiancé, and Shinpachi and me don't want anything to do with it!"
"What?" Souji asked, confused.
"Ayunee's not here so we figured putting her with you for the night would be the safest place for her," Shinpachi admitted. "Will that be all right?"
Souji sighed. "Yes, she'll be safe here for the night. But am I really the only person around here who can be trusted to stay in the same room as a girl who might be a v-i-r-you-know-what without causing a scandal? That's a little depressing, but never mind. I'll look after her."
"You know it'll be your neck that her ten brothers and the Lord of Aizu crush if anything happens to her, right?" Sano asked.
"If her ten brothers and the Lord of Aizu couldn't prevent her from being carried off by the three of you, then I doubt I have anything to fear from them," Souji remarked, his eyes half-closed. "But yes, I'll accept the responsibility if anything happens to her. So where is she?"
"Here!" Heisuke panted, appearing around the corner with the girl in his arms. Reverently he laid her down on Okita's futon, which was still warm from being so recently occupied by Okita himself. "Goodnight, love," Heisuke whispered as he pulled the blanket up to her chin. He looked up at Souji with tears in his eyes. "The poor girl thinks I'm her dead fiancé," he explained. "Isn't that tragic?"
"Hmm," Souji said, studying the girl's snow-white face. "Well. I'm sure she has an interesting story to tell, which we can all look forward to hearing in the morning."
"Right," Heisuke said, nodding. "Take care of her, ok? If she needs anything, come get me."
Souji nodded and the trio of troublemakers crept off to their own rooms for the night. Once they were gone, Souji sighed and looked down at the sleeping girl. She was quite beautiful, especially asleep with her long dark eyelashes on her pale cheeks and her lips slightly parted. Souji shook his head and sat down wearily on the floor. He really didn't think anything would happen, but he pulled his sword closer to his side just in case, and before long, he fell asleep…
Author's note:Yay, we're back to the funny stuff!Comments? Questions? Gripes? Requests? Review! Thanks for reading!
