Diamond
Chapter Three
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away in the end.
And you could have it all.
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down.
I will make you hurt.
-"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails
Pushing people away when you need them the most isn't the wisest action to take. But it's exactly what Squall kept doing.
First, there were his friends. "Why won't you tell us what's wrong with you?" "Yeah, we're your FRIENDS!" "Come on, Leonhart, you can tell us anything."
"Leave me alone!" was the response every time. He didn't want to burden people with his problems. He didn't want to deal with them right now.
Then there had been Rinoa. "Talk to me, let me help you, we can fix this. Let me in! Why don't you trust me?"
He couldn't. Not right now.
Eventually, they turned their backs. Every single one of them turned their backs and wouldn't speak to him. They gave him dirty looks and whispered about him. They mistook his grief for snobbery.
"Leonhart always thought he was too good for us," said Seifer contemptuously, while Squall was still within earshot. It still stung, even though Squall couldn't remember the last time that he cared what Seifer thought.
The look on Quistis's face had hurt him the most. It was a pity look. She looked wounded. Then she turned away, like the rest of them had.
His superiors were sympathetic at first, then impatient. Squall was even more withdrawn than he usually was, he didn't get involved. He was wracked with guilt. (If I hadn't sent her the letter, she wouldn't have tried to come here…) He stayed inside a lot, and skipped meals. He lost hours of sleep. They sharply reprimanded him for "setting a bad example." They warned him that "Headmaster Cid was taking notice."
It's exactly what I had dreaded: losing everything.
It was the rainy season in Balamb Garden, and the bad weather put Squall in an even worse mood. Sheets of rain drenched the ground, and the cold was inescapable. Sickness was running rampant.
Squall stayed in his room more than ever; hoping that if maybe he stayed really still, no one would notice that he was there.
Unfortunately for him, his plan didn't work. There was a soft knock at his door. "Squall?" It was Rinoa. "Can I come in?"
He didn't answer. Maybe she would think that he wasn't there, and leave. I am a horrible person.
"I know you're in there. If I can't come in, I'll just stay here and talk to you. I really need to talk to you right now," she said firmly. She knew better than to intrude on his privacy. She took a deep breath.
"Squall…I'm worried about you. All of us are, even though we might not show it. We know you're hurting, OK? And…" her voice was trembling. "And we want to help you! I just wish you'd let us take some of the burden for once."
Squall suddenly felt very cold. He wrapped himself in a coverlet cocoon and didn't stir.
Rinoa continued. "It hurts me to see you like this. It hurts me when you don't trust me enough to let me help you." He heard her start to cry quietly. "I love you…so much. And I thought you loved me too…Don't you?"
Squall was shaking now. He was so sensitive that it felt like Rinoa was ripping out a tiny chunk of his heart with every word she spoke.
Rinoa took his silence as a "no." She started sobbing. "I know that we risked everything for each other, Squall. I know that we changed each other. I know that our time together was…beyond words." She put her hand on the cold door, and wiped her eyes. "I wish I could have been enough for you. I wish I could be what you needed. But, I guess I can't be."
Squall's face crumpled up and he curled up into an even tighter ball. He didn't know it was possible to feel this horrible.
"Goodbye, Squall Leonhart," she said softly. And then she was gone.
He rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. I do love you, he mouthed into the cloth. A tear snaked down his cheek and left a miniscule drop of moisture on the sheets. You were more than enough for me. There was a funereal gloom around Squall's tiny bedroom.
That night, he couldn't stand being in that room anymore. He snuck out into the pouring rain and stood in the empty courtyard. It was almost 2:00 in the morning, and every sensible soul was asleep.
It felt so good. The rain gave Squall the sensation of being cleansed, of being forgiven. He turned his face up to the sky and let himself be pummeled by the rain.
What is it that I want now? Vindication? Redemption? I don't even know anymore. The last time I wanted something important, somebody died for it.
He felt like a glass vase that had been dropped on a stone floor: shattered. Every waking second was pain. When he opened his mouth, nothing came out. His heart felt bruised from everyone that had left him. The worst thing was, it was all his fault.
He was soaked to the bone now, but still he stayed. The rain hammered down relentlessly without signs of stopping. Without warning, Squall burst into tears. His body was jolted with convulsive sobs, each one bigger and fiercer than the last. It was almost a panic attack.
"I need you!" he cried. There was no one around, but he was addressing all of them: Ellone, Quistis, Zell, Selphie, Irvine, Rinoa. All of them. All the ones he had ignored or pushed away.
He felt dizzy. His head was swimming so that he could no longer think. Then his legs felt like they had been turned to water, and the last thing that Squall heard before he hit the ground was the sickening sound of his head hitting something hard.
Laguna was at his desk when Kiros entered the office, bearing a thin manila folder. He tossed the folder onto the desk in front of him.
"Squall Leonhart. Age 17. SeeD commander," Kiros rattled off. Laguna picked up the folder and inspected it. A tiny picture fell out.
"Kiros, it's the boy from the funeral," Laguna said triumphantly. "I knew it! I just had a gut feeling…"
"Well, knowing your gut feelings, who could blame me for being doubtful?" Kiros joked.
"Hey!" retorted Laguna. He took another look at the picture. "Look at him, Kiros. My son. Oh man…" He put his head in his hands, overwhelmed. Ellone had been right. He was beautiful.
"Hey," Kiros said. "I'm happy for you, man. I really am. You know there's only one thing left to do, right?"
Laguna grinned. "Yeah." He took one last look at the picture, then slipped it into his pocket.
I'm coming, son.
