"Mornin', sunshine," Laguna said jovially as he entered Squall's room on the third day. The cheerful tone of his voice was a little strained; he was trying to hide how tired he was on the inside, but he was more determined than ever to get somewhere with this. I am going to break some ice today. I just know it.
Squall, however, looked considerably worse. The skin around his eyes looked thin, blue, and bruised. His lips were parched and cracked. His breath hitched. There was still a dry, persistent cough that wouldn't leave him alone.
"Well…you look…healthy," Laguna joked. He pulled open the curtains, letting sunbeams stream into the dark room.
Squall coughed in response. He was too sick and too morose to put up with Laguna today.
After a bit of silence, Laguna said, "Who's Rinoa? A girl?" He had been peering at the note on the bedside table.
"Don't go there," Squall said irritably, but the color of his blush told Laguna that Rinoa was a girl, and a very important one at that.
"I'm not saying I wanna go there. I just wanted to know who she was," Laguna pointed out.
Maybe if I talk, he'll shut up. "She's my girlfriend, OK? Well…was my girlfriend."
"Was? What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it now."
"OK." Squall had said that he didn't want to talk about it now, Laguna thought. Maybe he'll want to talk about it later. Things were improving, it seemed. "What was she like?"
Squall didn't answer at first. Laguna was wondering whether he had spoken too soon, but then Squall said, "She was a lot like how you described Raine, I guess."
Ouch. Looks like he's got his fair share of problems. "Will you tell me something?" Laguna asked.
"Maybe."
"Alright." I'll give it a shot. "I want to know why you fainted. Well, not exactly why you fainted…I mean, why were you out in the rain in the first place? No offense, but I would've thought that a SeeD commander would know better."
Squall was thought. Do I want you to know? Do I WANT you to judge me? On the other hand, if I tell you now, you won't ask me again… "It's a long story," he warned.
"And I've got nothing but time," Laguna said pleasantly.
"Don't ask me questions until I'm done, OK?"
Laguna smiled wryly. "Deal."
Squall sighed and began. "I knew better than to be out in the rain…but the rainy courtyard at night was the only place where there would be no people at all. But I didn't really have to worry about people being around, because even if people were outside, they still wouldn't have talked to me."
"Why not?" Laguna asked, already forgetting about the "deal."
"Hey, I'm getting there. It's really my own fault that all this happened to me. And that's the worst part, you know?" Squall picked at a loose thread on the coverlet, avoiding Laguna's eyes. "See, after Ellone died…I…" he trailed off.
"You what?" Laguna persisted.
Squall looked up at Laguna, with a big, blue-eyed stare. He looked hurt. "I sort of…shut myself in. I couldn't get motivation for anything. It hurt to even think about it. So that's why I don't think about it. It's simple. I don't want to be hurt."
Squall took a deep breath and continued. "I was never good at losing things. But I lost everything a couple of days ago. My friends won't even look at me, because I pushed them out. My teachers told me that Cid was thinking about demoting me. But you know what? I didn't care. I couldn't care about anything. I kind of wish…that it would be like that now. Because when I care, I always end up regretting it. It sounds dumb, but it's true. So, I went outside…and fainted in the rain. Happy?"
"Very," Laguna replied. "I think you've just said a whole year's worth of words."
Squall cracked a smile before he could catch himself.
"Ah, I was wondering when we were going to see one of those!" Laguna said triumphantly. "I was beginning to think that your face was stuck in a frown!"
Squall had gotten that same remark more times than he could count. The only person who had said anything remotely different than that had been Rinoa. She had said, "I want to see you smile at least once a day. Just 'cause it's so damn cute." Thinking about her gave him a stomachache.
"You have Raine's smile, you know. She had a lovely smile," Laguna mused. He rubbed his leg. Thinking of Raine reminded him of the pain that had plagued him once.
Sometimes it felt like Laguna was trying to make Squall feel bad.
Laguna leaned forward, feeling impulsive. "Do you want to tell me about Rinoa now?" he asked.
"Don't push your luck, Laguna," Squall replied.
"Call me Dad," Laguna suggested.
Squall glanced at him, and winced slightly. "I can't. Not yet."
"I understand," Laguna said quietly. I understand that I'm rushing you and that you still need time. "I'm sorry if this is too painful for you. We can stop if you want."
Squall smirked. "Are you like my shrink now?"
"No," Laguna answered calmly. "I'm just an ordinary guy, who wants to catch up with his ordinary son."
"Catching up" might be a bit of an understatement.
"I just want to know," Laguna continued. "What makes this Rinoa so difficult to talk about?"
"You really don't know when to quit, do you?" Squall said, annoyed. "If I tell you, will you stop asking me questions?"
"Promise," Laguna said solemnly, even though Squall didn't believe him for a second.
"Rinoa Heartilly…is beyond words," Squall said with difficulty.
Laguna fought to keep his shock under control. Heartilly? No, I won't ask…I've got enough on my plate for now.
"I've never felt like this about anyone before," Squall said thickly before he decided to stop talking like this. He felt ridiculous. "But now, we've broken up. Here," he said, pulling the necklace off his neck and tossing it to Laguna.
Laguna caught it and looked at it closely. "This looks familiar."
"It was a gift," Squall said, his eyes glinting. "From my mother."
Laguna raised an eyebrow. "Really? She gave you this?"
Squall nodded and looked down. "It was the most valuable thing I owned…I gave it to her when we fell in love."
"And she gave it back?" Laguna asked, stroking the ring and feeling its cool metal on his fingers.
"Yes," Squall said. "And…that was it. It's just hard to talk about because that was the part that hurt the most."
Laguna was quiet, still turning over the ring in his hand. "Thank you for telling me that."
"You're welcome," Squall responded calmly, as if talking about Rinoa hadn't left him reeling. "Now, can I ask you a question?"
"Ask me anything," Laguna said confidently.
"How did you meet Raine? If you don't mind me asking."
Laguna smiled gently. "I don't mind you asking. It was…a long time ago. I don't know if you know this, but I used to be a Galbadian soldier. I won't tell you anymore about it, because war stories even put me to sleep. Anyway, my friends and I were out in Centra one day, and I got injured and separated from them. And," he said, grinning. "That's where your mother came in. She was from Winhill. Turns out that she was quite a good caretaker. She managed to juggle both me and Ellone. And the rest is history…"
Squall flinched slightly at the mention of Ellone. If talking about Rinoa was painful, talking about Ellone was like shaking liberal amounts of salt into his wounds.
Laguna noticed Squall's discomfort, and handed the necklace back to him. "Take this. Keep it forever. You have to keep the ones you love close to you. See you tomorrow. Try to get some rest."
Laguna smiled as he closed the door behind him. He had done it. He had managed to break through Squall Leonhart's protective shield. Now all there was to do was bring Squall to the surface.
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Squall's eyes felt as heavy as concrete. He had been through a lot today, talking about stuff that he didn't necessarily want to talk about. He felt exhausted.
He clutched the ring that dangled around his neck, and remembered what Laguna said. How can I keep the ones I love close to me when they're already so far away?
He sniffed derisively. Laguna was getting to him. I don't want him to see me like this! But every fucking time, I let him in. What's wrong with me? What was it about the guy that made him so damn difficult to refuse?
He rolled over and squeezed his eyes shut. I'm weak.
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And I can't let that happen again
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
-"Who I am Hates Who I've Been," Relient K
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Until next time,
-peridotaurora
