Exquisitely sorry about the long delay. Between Driver's Ed, finals, and all sorts of mishaps, it literally took me weeks to write this. Gah.

Well, anywho, read away! This took me forever and a lot of effort.


Verum dispeream nisi amo.

I am lost if I do not love.

-Catullus


I just need to get CLEAN.

Squall was standing over the sink, scrubbing hard at the skin on his arms. There was no shower in this tiny room, but he could compensate by scouring every inch of skin he could reach.

He looked awful-he just knew it. He had even lost weight in the few days that he had been here. I can't help it. I just don't feel like eating anymore. The way that his hipbone jutted through his pants disgusted him.

His hand instinctively flew to his face. He couldn't do much about the stubble on his chin…but that couldn't be helped. It irritated his usually-smooth skin and made it itch.

The soap made a thick lather on his hands. He wanted it to wash everything away. He wanted it to burn in his eyes – anything. Anything other than this awful feeling of squalor that lay about him.

There was a knock on the door. "Squall. Hey! Open up! It's me!" It was Irvine.

"Come in!" Squall hollered, rinsing off the heavy layer of soap on his hands. He walked to the bed and flopped down onto it.

Irvine entered cautiously. "Hi."

"Hey. Sorry I look like hell," Squall said apologetically.

Irvine shrugged, neither acknowledging nor denying it. Squall realized for the first time how utterly feminine Irvine looked. It was something about the way his hair curled around his face, or the way that he tipped his head when he was listening to someone talk.

"I notice you're speaking to me again," Squall said suddenly.

Irvine looked surprised at first, then relaxed and smiled. "You don't leave much to subtlety."

"I never have. It's not my job," Squall replied coolly.

"Don't I know it?" Irvine said, grinning. "Anyway, I'm not here to argue about whether you're subtle or not. I guess you've heard about…?"

"Yes," Squall interrupted quickly. He didn't want to hear anybody talk about Rinoa now.

Irvine didn't speak for a while. "She's not doing too well," was all he could say.

"She can join the club," Squall said bitterly. If Irvine was just looking for a happy reunion, he could get lost.

Irvine looked at Squall incredulously. "You really don't care? Wow. It's that bad, huh?"

"Let's talk about something else."

"Huh! You'll never change. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were hiding something," Irvine said dryly.

Squall outstretched his arms, trying to appear carefree and failing. "I've got nothing to hide."

Irvine gave a short bark of a laugh. "Yeah, OK, Leonhart. Whatever you say. Anyway, about Rinoa…why don't you want to hear about her?"

Squall rolled his eyes. "You know what? Fine. Say whatever you want. Nothing that you say can hurt me."

Irvine's eyes flashed. "That's where you're wrong. Sometimes, words can hurt the most."

Squall blinked. "And this remarkable flash of insight came from…where?"

Irvine ignored that comment. "I just think that you guys should talk, OK? Is that such a horrible concept? I mean…you know, you should try to fix things."

"It can't be fixed."

"That's the spirit," Irvine said sarcastically. "Seriously, though. At least get some closure or something."

"What's to close? Everything's closed already."

Irvine looked heavenward. "Agh! You're such a head case. If you want me to go so badly, I'll just go." He made a dramatic show of striding to the door indignantly.

"Wait, come back. I didn't mean it. You know that," Squall said before Irvine left. "I have missed you guys. A lot."

Irvine walked back, mock-scowling. "Way to show it, you crazy bastard."

"That's my name, don't wear it out. Anyway…what have you guys been up to since I've been locked up here?"

"Oh, you know. Paperwork. Drilling. Bodily restraining Selphie so she wouldn't go medieval on Seifer's ass."

Squall let out a small smile, despite himself. "You should've let her."

"Oh, I would have, except for it might actually be my fault if she gets hurt," Irvine said brightly. "Can't be too careful, can we?"

Squall opened his mouth in mock-surprise. "Irvy!" he said, using Selphie's nickname for him. "You're being so…sentimental!"

"Everybody knows I'm a sweetheart. You, on the other hand, are impossible."

"Glad to see that you have so much respect for me," Squall replied wryly. He was enjoying this.

"God. You can be so annoying sometimes. Anyway, I didn't really come to bitch at you, as fun as it may be." Irvine paused. "Ellone's memorial service is in two days. Are you coming?"

"No," Squall said immediately.

Irvine looked at Squall as if he was an alien. "You're not? Why?"

The funeral was hard enough! Squall wanted to say. Instead, he just said, "I don't think I'll be better by then."

"Bullshit. You're getting out today. Quistis told me," Irvine said, frowning. "I can't believe you're not going to go to your own sister's memorial service."

"I can't, OK?" Squall said harshly. "I can't and I'm not."

"You're unbelievable," Irvine said softly. "I can't believe you'd do something like that…"

Squall looked away, at anything but Irvine's face so he wouldn't have to see the look of consternation and disappointment that Irvine was wearing.

Irvine, realizing that it was a lost cause, rose and headed to the door. "She would have wanted you to be there," he said quietly.

"Don't you dare try to speak for her," Squall growled.

Irvine's eyebrows shot up. Squall had never spoken to him like this.

"What happened to you?" Irvine said, almost inaudibly. Without waiting for an answer, he left.

After Irvine was gone, Squall had another panic attack. A nurse came in, recognized the symptoms, and screamed for a doctor.

I'm being punished for something. I just know it…


"I'm sorry, Squall. We're going to have to keep you for at least another day, until we find out what's causing these panic attacks," Dr. Kadowaki sighed.

"Okay," Squall replied, picking at the loose skin around his thumbnail. His face was blank.

Dr. Kadowaki paused and leaned forward. "Squall, I've known you for a long time. Has something been happening that may be the cause of these panic attacks? Something that disturbs you?"

Squall didn't answer her. Dr. Kadowaki sighed again and smiled. "Maybe you're right. That isn't my field." She got up. "I'm going now, but I'll be back later, alright?"

Squall shrugged, indicating that he didn't much care one way or the other. Dr. Kadowaki exited, shutting the door with a gentle click.

Irvine was right. I am impossible.


"How's my little invalid doing today?" Laguna said happily, striding into Squall's room.

Squall frowned. He wasn't in the mood. Not today.

"I hear you're getting out today. That's good to hear, huh?"

"No. They're keeping me in another day," Squall said sourly.

Laguna's smile fell off immediately. "They are? Why? What's the matter?"

Squall bit the inside of his cheek. "Um…"

Laguna leaned forward, eyes intent. "What happened?" he said slowly.

Squall looked up, a twisted smile on his face. "I think I'm losing my mind, if you wanna know the truth. But that doesn't come as much of a surprise to anybody, does it?"

"That's a heavy assumption to make," Laguna said, raising an eyebrow.

"I've been having panic attacks, alright? That's why they're keeping me in here," Squall said bluntly.

Laguna could sense that Squall wasn't telling him something. "Do you know…why you're having the panic attacks?" he asked quietly.

"No," Squall said quickly. Too quickly.

Laguna frowned. "I know that you know the reason. Tell me why you're having the panic attacks."

"I'm not telling you anything," Squall said loudly.

Laguna sat back and sighed, furrowing his eyebrows. "I thought I had gotten somewhere with you," he said with frustration.

This was apparently the wrong thing to say. Squall sat up. "Let's get something straight, Laguna. I am not some project that you can work on. I'm not some hopeless soul that only you can save. This isn't like some fucking thing where you pull me up from the depths of despair. This isn't like that. So don't even try."

Squall was yelling by now. A nurse, hearing the noise, burst in. "Is everything all right in here?"

"Yes," Laguna and Squall both said loudly. The nurse, looking bewildered, left.

There was a long silence. The ticking of the clock seemed to grow louder and louder. "Keep yelling at me, it might be good for you," Laguna said at last.

It just made Squall even angrier. Why did everybody have to keep doing this? Talk to me, it'll make you feel better. So, Squall, how do you feel? Everybody wanted to be let in when all Squall wanted to do was retreat inside himself.

Laguna was so maddeningly calm. "You want to change the subject? Alright. We're having a memorial service for Ellone in two days. Do you think you'll be out in time?"

Squall groaned inwardly. Not this again. "Um…I don't really know. I mean, it's hard to say, right?" he lied. He didn't think he could take another round of aghast looks and the I can't believe you's.

Laguna shrugged. "I don't know. I think that part's up to you. Whether or not you decide to get better."

"You think I want to be here? You think I chose this?"

Laguna glanced at his son. "Honestly? Yes. I think that you don't wanna deal. I think you're trying to hide from everybody. I've learned that from talking with you for the last couple days."

"Want a medal?" Squall replied sullenly, trying to hide how very close to the mark Laguna was.

Laguna couldn't help smiling triumphantly. "So you're saying I'm right?" Yes. I've finally done SOMETHING right, Laguna thought.

"I never said anything like that. We've known each other for less than a week. You think you know me?"

"Not nearly as much as I want to know you," Laguna answered. "But I can put two and two together. I'm not nearly as clueless as you think I am."

"Are you trying to make me respect you based on what you know about me? Because it's not working," Squall shot back. He was being horrible, and he knew it.

Laguna laughed mirthlessly. "Well, I can honestly say that you're not making it very easy."

"Then why do you do it?"

Laguna didn't answer. Finally, he said, "Are you used to people giving up on you?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Do you do this to people…just to skip the process of people leaving and hurting you?" Laguna persisted.

"No. Are you crazy?" Squall had the uncomfortable feeling of being trapped. Where did Laguna figure all of this out?

"No. I've just…done a lot of thinking since we saw each other for the last time," admitted Laguna. He loved the way that this all came together, like a puzzle. I've figured you out. Don't deny it.

"No one can hurt me like that," Squall said fiercely.

"Are you sure?" Laguna asked. It was unsettling - Squall rather missed the old, inept Laguna instead of this Laguna who was disturbingly knowledgeable. "You wanna know what I think?"

"No."

"I think that you're staying away from Ellone's memorial service on purpose," Laguna continued, ignoring Squall's comment.

Smashing job, Sherlock. Your brilliance amazes me. "Do you, now?" Squall said dully.

"Yeah. I think that you're too scared of being hurt again."

"Well, you're wrong," Squall answered savagely, even though Laguna was half-right.

Laguna blinked. "Oh. Well then, why are you not going? Don't you think she would want you there? Wouldn't you want her to come to your memorial if you died?"

"I'm so sick of people saying this to me. It's my choice, OK?"

"If this is your way of healing, then you're worse off than I thought," Laguna said, unexpectedly harsh.

If the words hurt Squall, he didn't show any sign. Instead, he smiled painfully. "Yeah, that's me. Your twisted, unfortunate little mental patient. Happy?"

Laguna winced. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just trying to help here, OK? I'm just trying to…figure you out," he finished lamely.

"Why does everybody have to try to 'figure me out'?" Squall blurted.

"Why does it bother you so much?" Laguna asked.

"Because it's none of their business," Squall said coolly. "It's nobody's business but mine."

Laguna just stared at his son for a while. "I don't get it. You have friends, don't you? Are you just this difficult for me, or did they have to go through this too?"

"I'm not saying that they got off scot-free. I gotta say, though, you are pretty damn persistent."

"Your mother was, too," Laguna said, grinning. "It runs in the family. It got pretty ugly sometimes, when we butted heads."

Squall looked down. He felt so strange whenever Laguna mentioned Raine. I never knew her, but she's such an important part of me. He vaguely wondered what life would be like if she was still around.

"She drowned, right?" Squall said suddenly. There was a haunting hunger in the icy eyes.

"Yes," Laguna answered grimly. "But I didn't find out until years later."

Squall looked at his hands. "She drowned because of me," he confessed.

Laguna looked at him incredulously. "What? Where did you get that from? You were only a baby…"

"She wouldn't have died if it wasn't for me," Squall said quietly. "She died saving me. So do the math."

"Squall," Laguna said sternly. The furrow between his eyebrows felt deep as a ditch. I'm too young to be getting wrinkles already. "That's ridiculous. You have no right to be blaming this on yourself, OK? Are you just doing this to get attention or something?"

The look that Squall gave his father was so filthy that it could have curdled milk. "You have no idea, so why don't you keep your mouth shut?"

Laguna felt like kicking something. We are getting absolutely NOWHERE today. "Well, why would I have any idea? That's what I'm trying to do here. And if you would just let me…"

"Well, what if I don't want to?" Squall cut in coldly.

Laguna suppressed a groan of frustration in his hands. Then, he said, "Why do you do this?"

"Do what?" Squall asked, even though he knew perfectly well what Laguna was talking about.

"Do this. Fight so hard to keep me out. Why?"

Squall leaned back, putting his hands behind his head as if he was relaxing on some tropical island. "Well, that's simple. Why do I try so hard to keep you out? Because I don't want you in," he said mysteriously.

"But why?"

"Everybody has secrets," Squall replied simply.

"This isn't just a secret, Squall. This is something…this is something that's hurting you from the inside. I get the feeling that no one's seen the real you yet."

Squall gave him another look. "And how would you know that?"

Laguna ignored him. "I'm just saying…when are you going to show people who you really are?"

"That's my decision," Squall answered aggressively.

Laguna paused. I need a new angle here. This is getting impossible. Finally, he decided to pull another trick. "Would you want her to see you like this?"

Squall didn't look up. "Which her?" he said, almost inaudibly. "Ellone or Mom?"

"Does it matter?" Laguna asked gently. "Would you want either of them to see you like this?"

"Don't go there," Squall said, still dangerously quiet.

"Would you want them to see you--isolated, not letting anyone help you? Would they like what they saw? What do you think they would say?"

"Back off," Squall said louder. Laguna noted with shock that his son's eyes were wet.

"I-I'm sorry," Laguna stammered. "I didn't mean to…"

"I don't need this right now," Squall muttered. "Can you leave?"

"I…alright," Laguna said, still stunned. "I'll be back, though, OK?"

"See if I care," Squall grumbled, even though he did care very, very much.


WHAT am I doing WRONG?

Laguna stood with his forehead against the wall in the Balamb infirmary hallway two hours later, knocking his head against it. Think, think, think.

"Are you trying to think of something? Because I don't think that killing your brain cells is going to help," he heard a familiar voice say dryly.

"Hello, Kiros," Laguna said, mid-bang. "How did you know I was here?"

Kiros sighed impatiently. "I've been looking for you all day. You've got three meetings, and you have a hopping mad dignitary on your hands. Have you been here the whole time?"

"Yes," Laguna confessed.

"You are more bull-headed than I ever could have imagined," Kiros said, half awe-struck. "You still haven't managed to crack the kid by now?"

"I'm not cracking him," Laguna said, scandalized. "I'm just…doing some digging. But it's really hard. This is consuming me. I can't even sleep at night because I'm trying to figure this all out."

Kiros was puzzled. "Laguna, I've never seen you this dedicated to anything. What happened to you? I bust my butt every day trying to get you to focus on one thing. And now…I can't get you to concentrate on anything else but this."

Laguna was hardly listening. "Hey, Kiros, what does it mean when somebody refuses to let anyone know what's wrong with them?"

Kiros threw his hands up in an "I-give-up" gesture. "You're unbelievable!"

"No, seriously, Kiros, help me. I think I've got something, but I just can't figure out what to do next…" Laguna implored.

Kiros sighed again and flopped against the wall next to his friend. "I dunno…they don't think anyone understands?"

"Well, I could've told you that, Kiros," Laguna pointed out flatly.

"Do you want my help or not?"

"Alright, alright, keep going," Laguna said, waving his hand and laughing. He was enjoying this.

Kiros leaned his head against the wall and thought. "Um…guilt, I guess. That makes sense, right? They feel so guilty about something that they think that it's unmentionable? I don't know…"

"Oh, that's it! Kiros, you're a genius. I'm giving you a raise. Or something," Laguna cried, before starting to run down the hallway towards Squall's room. "I'll be back! Don't schedule any more meetings for today, alright? I'll get back to the other ones, I promise!" he shouted behind his back.

"Ha!" Kiros barked. "That'll be the day…"


"I'm ba-ack," Laguna sang as he entered the room again. "Feeling alright?"

Squall didn't reply.

Laguna took his usual spot in the chair at the desk. "Look, about what I said before…I really am sorry. It was out of line, OK?"

Squall still didn't answer, just gave a curt nod.

Laguna took a deep breath. "I'm not finished yet. Can I say something?"

Squall smiled wryly. "Does it matter if I mind?"

"No," Laguna said truthfully. "Because I need to say this." He fiddled with a button on his jacket sleeve before continuing.

"You wouldn't believe how much I've learned from all of this, Squall. I mean, before I did all this, before I found out about you…I was so clueless. I think you were right about me. I'm not perfect, and I'm not going to pretend to be. But you…this is so hard to describe. You look so much like her, and it scared me at first. But I didn't know it was ever possible to feel this way about anyone. I guess when you have kids you'll understand. But anyway. That's not the point. The point is…I've never wanted to help somebody more. You could be so great. You're such a good guy, better than I am. And this is why I don't think you should feel any guilt about your mother, Ellone, or anybody else that you think you might have a connection with…"

Laguna laid a hand on Squall's arm. Squall recoiled but didn't move away. "What are you getting at here…?" Squall started to say.

"I know, Squall. I know how guilt feels. I felt it, too…after Raine died. I kept thinking 'If I had been there, this wouldn't have happened.' And I was right: it was my fault. But it's normal to feel stuff like that. It's called survivor's guilt. Everybody feels it after someone they love dies. But I don't understand," he said, leaning closer to Squall. "What makes you think that Ellone's death was your fault?"

Squall twisted the blanket in his hands. "You know that bus that she died in?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"Well…she was visiting me. I…sent her a note that asked her to come here and explain some things."

Laguna gave him an exasperated look. "You draw the faintest connections, I swear…these things aren't your fault."

"No, really," Squall persisted. "I just feel like my curiosity is to blame. You know, it was just a horrible coincidence. I delayed on sending the letter, because I had a feeling that something bad would happen. And…look what happened! How could I ever feel curious about anything again?"

Laguna's chin was in his hands. "What was in this letter that made you so cautious? What was so special about it?"

Squall thought about it for a while and laughed humorlessly. "It was about…you," he said finally.

"Me?"

"Well, not you specifically. I wanted to know about myself. I wanted to know where I came from, where my parents were, who I was. I wanted Ellone to tell me all that."

Laguna leaned back and started chuckling. Squall stared at him in disbelief.

"What's so funny?"

Laguna grinned at his son. "D'you believe in fate, Squall?"

"I… guess," Squall said. "Why?"

"Because…" Laguna said dreamily. "That's how this all happened. No matter what you did that day, Ellone would have died. Even if Ellone didn't die, I still would have found you. Nothing can stop life's course. It's just like what Ellone learned: nothing can change time. What will be…will be, and all we can do is go along with it."

Squall was silent, his chest heaving. That doesn't make it hurt any less…it doesn't account for the fact that I'll never see Ellone again.

"I know that you're sorry," Laguna said softly. "I know that you feel terrible. But I don't think that anyone taught you how to deal with losing people. I think you've been grieving for your whole life. Let me help you. We can both make this easier for each other."

Squall didn't even seem to be listening. He was merely staring off into space, fingering the heavy pendant around his neck. "Years ago," he whispered. "She left me. They never told me why."

Laguna hadn't the faintest idea what Squall was talking about, but he didn't interrupt. He wanted to see where this went.

"I never found out where she went until about a year ago. I thought it was my fault she left. I was only a little kid."

Squall's face was blank, his voice expressionless. It was like he wasn't really there and someone was speaking through him.

"Squall, what--"

"I mean," Squall interrupted. He still wouldn't look at Laguna. "Why wouldn't they tell me? After they saw what it did to me? It's not fucking fair."

"Squall…"

"I was still surrounded by people. All of the kids at the orphanage: Selphie, Zell, all of them. But it was the loneliest I've ever been. Except for now."

Laguna leaned back, closed his eyes, and started fitting things together. But just when he thought he had it, Squall started talking again.

"Everything changed within the last year. I love people. But it hurts to love people."

"Love is mostly pain, Squall," Laguna said sagely.

Laguna could see that his son was breaking down. After days of sickness and weakness and being plagued by his father, his son was slowly losing his resolve. His stony exterior was dissolving. And Laguna knew that the person coming out of it was fragile and hurt.

"Why am I telling you all this?" Squall murmured, pinching the bridge of his nose as if he had a headache or if he was trying to stop tears.

"Because you're hurting, and you're tired of being lonely. You want someone to reach out to you no matter how much you keep pushing them away," Laguna said immediately.

"But…the thing is…you wanna know what the thing is?" Squall said, half laughing. He sounded manic and his voice was breaking. "The lonelier I get, the farther I alienate myself. What is up with that?"

At the "that," a tear escaped and slid down Squall's cheek. He wiped it off immediately and glared at the moisture on his hand as if it had betrayed him.

I've done it, Laguna thought, breathing hard. Holy hell, I've done it.

"Everyone's right," Squall said bitterly. "I am so crazy."

"It's a sign of brilliance," Laguna whispered, still awe-struck.

Very slowly, Laguna enveloped his son in a flimsy, one-armed hug. Squall twitched, but didn't pull away. He grudgingly allowed his father to embrace him, head bowed.

It's odd, Squall was thinking. We're like magnets. Fate brings us together, no matter what the circumstances. No matter how much it sucks, or how much we want something else to happen, people are pulled to each other.

"I hate myself," Squall muttered into the material of Laguna's shirt.

"We'll fix that," Laguna said softly. "For now, this is all we need."

This is all we need. Squall was already thinking of the future. He would get his friends back and say that he was sorry for being such a jerk. He would tell Rinoa that he loved her. Maybe he would go rearrange Seifer's face.

But now, this was all he needed.


Tough

You think you've got the stuff.

You're telling me and everyone you're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight.

You don't have to always be right.

Let me take some of the punches for you tonight.

-"Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own" by U2


Tah-dah. There's probably at least one more chapter of this. Hopefully, it won't take as long. TTFN.