Disclaimer: I don't own any more than I did in the first chapter.

Last chapter, guys. Ready? GO!


In many ways,

I miss the good old days

Someday, someday.

And it hurts to say,

But I want you to stay

Sometimes, sometimes.

-"Someday" by the Strokes


Diamond

Chapter Nine

"I still don't understand this miraculous recovery of yours," Dr. Kadowaki said, trying to be stern, but failing. "Just yesterday, you were looking like a terminal patient. Now, you're suddenly alright again?"

Squall shrugged, smiling slightly.

"Always mysterious," she sighed, shaking her head. "Care to explain it?"

"I guess you could say that I got my ass in gear," Squall replied vaguely.

Dr. Kadowaki threw her head back and laughed. "Well, that'll do it. I wish all my patients could discover your philosophy. But then I'd be out of a job, wouldn't I? Anyway, open your mouth, please."

She took his temperature and his heartbeat. When both were deemed satisfactory, she threw the thermometer away and said, "Well, looks like I can't keep you in here anymore. You're free to go whenever you want."

"Alright," Squall said. "I'm still kinda waiting for someone, though."

"Take all the time you need," Dr. Kadowaki said.


"You're still here? They kept saying that you were released," Laguna said to his son, cocking an eyebrow.

"If you thought I was gone, why did you still come here?" Squall mused.

Laguna thought, shrugged, and smiled. "I don't know. You tell me."

"Well, as a matter of fact, I was waiting for you. I'm gonna leave real soon," Squall said. He stood up from the bed. Laguna suddenly noticed how very tall he was.

"Thank you. Just…thanks. For everything," Squall asserted. "I know I'm a pain in the ass to deal with, but…you did good." He stuck out his hand for Laguna to shake.

Laguna gamely shook his hand, but then pulled Squall into a surprise hug. "Are you coming today?" he asked quietly.

Squall took a deep breath. "…Yeah," he said with difficulty.

Laguna smiled. "I'm proud of you. I know it's not easy. Not everything's gonna be easy."

"Yeah," Squall said again.

It was still stiff. It was still awkward. Laguna wasn't worried. Take it slow. This will take time.

Laguna turned to go, feeling light-hearted. "I'll see you later today."

"Laguna."

"Yeah?" Laguna turned back around.

Squall nodded solemnly. "Keep in touch."

"I will," Laguna answered. He decided to try something again. "Call me Dad."

Squall paused. "I still don't think I'm ready for that. Not now," he said finally.

"I understand," Laguna said heavily.

"I'm sorry," Squall said apologetically.

Laguna smiled and shook his head. "We'll get there. We still have lots of time to get there."


I am going to Ellone's memorial service. I AM going…

Squall had to repeat this in his head to really cement the fact that he was going to go, and that there wasn't any way out of it.

But I don't want to…

No! I'm going!

He was finally in his own room, finally out of the infirmary. He stood in his shower, letting the scalding drops of water pound him. He wanted it all to wash away from him: sickness, weakness, guilt.

He suddenly realized how similar this was to when he was standing and crying in the rain. He had wanted to be absolved, and he had fainted. And now here he was, several days later, wanting the water to penetrate him, wanting to be cleansed.

It struck him as such a coincidence that he had to laugh. Hell, I really am cracked…

His eyes were fixed on the water swirling down the drain. He really just wanted to go back to bed. No, that was the end of that. This is the beginning.

The memorial service was at 3:00. It was now 11:06 A.M. Squall now felt the dull monotony of someone who doesn't have anything to do with himself.

No, he thought suddenly. I do have something to do with myself.

I just don't think I can do it.


"Oh, hi, Laguna! Did you have a nice, relaxing stroll? I'm so glad that it didn't occur to you that you might have a week's worth of WORK to do!" Kiros said acidly when Laguna entered the office later.

"Good morning to you too, Kiros," Laguna said pleasantly.

"It happens to be the afternoon, now. Can we just get started? It'll probably take me all night to tell you all the stuff you have to do…"

"Kiros, I can't do any of that stuff today, because I have a memorial service to go to, remember?"

Kiros groaned and looked heavenward. "I forgot. Damn. We're really fucked now…"

"The memorial comes first. Sorry, Kiros."

"Yeah, alright," Kiros grumbled. He tossed some paper work back onto the desk. "So, how's your son?"

"Good. Really good. He's coming today. Are you?"

"Yeah, I suppose."

"That's good," Laguna said happily "Everything's good now…"

Kiros looked at him strangely and then laughed. "Look at you. You've been so busy running around and making your son see the light that you've forgotten to be sad about Ellone."

"Don't be ridiculous, Kiros. I haven't forgotten about her, and I don't plan to. But I have to admit…" Laguna sighed. "This does make it a lot easier."

Where did the REAL Laguna go? Kiros thought. Here was a man with shadows under his eyes, who looked like he had seen more than enough. The Laguna that Kiros knew was so bright and full of naivete.

"What's the matter with you?" Kiros demanded impatiently.

Laguna laughed. "Way to cut to the chase. I'm fine, thanks. And...shit. Shit." Laguna pressed his hand to his mouth in horror. "I sound just like him."

"What?"

"Oh man…" Laguna said, rubbing his temples.

Kiros sighed again. "You're tired and stressed out. Take an aspirin and go home."

"No, I can't. I've got a dead niece, a memorial to organize for that dead niece, a son who might not even come, and even if he does come, he might not deal well. And plus, I've got all the other stuff that you want me to do…To tell you the truth, I feel shabby, but we've got stuff to do. I'll take an aspirin, though…"

Laguna forced down two blue pills, and fiercely hoped that they would get rid of the intense foreboding in his stomach.


"This seat taken?" Squall could have kicked himself for how stupid the words sounded.

His friends glanced up at him from their usual table in the quad. "Depends," Zell said at last. "Ready to stop being a jerk?"

Selphie elbowed him and hissed, "Zell!"

"It's a fair question," Zell said stubbornly.

"Yeah, I think I am," Squall said smoothly, ignoring Selphie. Zell looked down and muttered, "Good for you." Squall took that as an "ok."

Rinoa tensed up noticeably as he took his usual seat next to her, but said nothing and kept her face expressionless. Squall's face burned.

"Um…so, how are you?" Selphie said nervously.

"I'm good, Selphie," he replied. He hated this. The robotic replies to robotic questions. He wanted to scream, I'm fucking sorry, OK? But he didn't think that it would go over very well…

"Are you going to…" Irvine started, but trailed off when he remembered Squall's reaction to the question last time.

"Um…I mean, yes." He had to get it through to himself as well as others.

Irvine's eyes widened slightly. "Oh. Really?"

Squall nodded and squirmed. The way that they were all avoiding his gaze was painful. "Look," he blurted. "I'm sorry that I was an asshole and whatnot. It was stupid of me to think that I didn't need you guys, OK? 'Cause the truth is, I kinda do."

"What? Do my ears deceive me?" Irvine said immediately, his eyes dancing.

"Don't make me say it again," Squall said irritably.

Selphie cupped her ear with her hand and leaned across the table. "Uh-oh, I don't think I heard you, Squall! Better say it again!"

"Squall getting 'mushy'…well, looks like the world's come to an end," Zell teased.

His friends were teasing him again, just like old times. Squall didn't know whether to be intensely relieved or annoyed.

The mood relaxed considerably after that. "Hey, why was Laguna Loire here so much? He went into the infirmary practically every day! Did you see him, Squall?" Zell said, energetically devouring his hot dog.

"Uh…" Ah, fuck it. "Yes. Because he's actually… he's my dad."

Zell choked on his hot dog. "You're joking!"

"No way!" Selphie squealed, and even Rinoa dropped her Ice Queen façade and had a look of astonishment on her face. "You, the president's son? That's sooo cool!"

"When did you find out?" Irvine demanded. "Why didn't you tell us, man?"

"I didn't know," Squall answered, half-laughing.

"Jeez…how could Laguna be related to you? He's so cool, and you're…you!" Zell joked.

"Thanks, Zell," Squall said sarcastically.

"Sucks that you didn't inherit his looks," Selphie said wistfully. Squall cringed.

"Hey!" Irvine said indignantly.

"Oh, quiet, now you know how it feels to be jealous for once!" she said coyly.

"For once? Oh, Selph, don't get me started!"

While they bickered in the background, Squall took this opportunity to whisper "Can we talk?" in Rinoa's ear.

Rinoa didn't look at him and shook her head fiercely. "Not now."

Selphie took a break from arguing with Irvine to notice them. "Uh-oh! Want us to leave you guys alone?"

Squall said, "Yes," and Rinoa said, "No." Inside, Squall was agonizing. She had begged him to talk to her before, and he had turned her away. Now, he ached to talk to her, and she wasn't listening.

"We'd better go, guys," Selphie told Irvine and Zell. "We'd better give them some alone time, if you know what I'm saying!" She winked at them. Irvine and Zell got the hint and stood up.

"Selphie…" Rinoa began, but they were already gone. She started to stand up too, but Squall caught her by the wrist. "Don't touch me!" she said with annoyance.

Squall winced. She hadn't ever spoken to him like this. "Rinoa, please."

Rinoa sighed and plopped back down. "Make it fast." She could already predict what he was going to say to her: I'm sorry, please forgive me, blah blah blah. She wasn't in the mood, not today.

"Do you like him?" he blurted out. She was caught in the familiar tractor beam of his stare.

"I don't know who you're talking about, Squall," she said coolly.

"Don't give me that. Do you like him?"

"I don't think it's any of your business," she shot back. Tears were starting to sting her eyes.

"It is my business. Do you like Seifer Almasy or not?" he demanded, feeling terrible. How could she look at him like he was nothing, after all that they'd been through?

"Huh! Real nice, Squall. It's always nice to have someone who's only concerned about you when you might be interested in another guy!" she said spitefully. "What, was I never good enough for you before other people started to like me? That's what this is all about, huh? That's me. Rinoa, the accessory girl. Not important enough to pay attention to."

"No! I--oh, fuck." His heart sank. That was exactly what this looked like, and he had only just realized it now.

"I mean, way to drop a girl on her ass. That was fucking harsh, even for you," she said vehemently. Her mascara was starting to run, black tears leaving black tracks all over her cheeks.

"I never--"

"I told you that I loved you," Rinoa interrupted. "That day that you fainted. I told you that I loved you, and you know what you said?" She wiped her face and glared at him through wet eyes. "Nothing."

Squall felt sick. Please, don't let me have another goddamn panic attack… "Rinoa, I don't know what to say."

"That's a new one," Rinoa said savagely and started crying again. She hated him for making her so bitter, so hard-hearted.

He kicked at the ground. "I do love you. I do," he said quietly.

"Then why didn't you let me in? Why did you ignore me?" she asked him.

"I wasn't ready. Now I am," he said. "What more do I have to say?"

She made an angry noise and turned away. "I don't want to talk to you anymore,"

He wrapped his arms around her from behind. "I'm sorry. I love you."

"And I hate you."

"No, you don't," he said serenely. He knew her. She was trying to resist, but she didn't want to anymore. Fate, he reminded himself. He pressed his lips to her neck.

"Yes I do. Get off," she said, not sounding as impatient as she had before.

"I will if you believe me," he said, smiling. He kissed her neck again. "Better hurry."

"Alright, fine. But you're not completely off the hook, got it?" She hit him playfully. "You did scare me, though. When they took you in. I'll give you that. Ready to tell me what happened yet?"

"It's a long, messed up story. But I promise I'll tell you soon," he said.

She shrugged. "That's progress, I guess."

Squall paused. "Do you like Seifer, Rinoa? You can tell me the truth."

"No, I don't," Rinoa admitted. "That was all just…a bad mistake. Alright? So don't worry about it anymore, got it?"

"Got it."

She paused. "So…Ellone's memorial thing. How bad's it gonna be?"

He sighed. "Pretty bad. But I think…I think I'd be alright if you came," he said.

"I wasn't invited," she pointed out. "I don't think I should come, anyway."

"You'd be my guest," Squall said, nudging her with his shoulder. "Please come."

"I'm not family."

"You're close enough. Please come." This was as close to begging as Squall had ever been.

Rinoa cast her eyes down. "Okay. But this doesn't mean anything. We'll go as friends. That's it."

Squall shrugged. "I'll take it."

It wasn't exactly what they both wanted. But Rinoa didn't want to be too hasty or seem too easy, and Squall was just happy that things were starting to fall back into place.

He felt queasy as he checked the time. It was 2:30.

It's not too late to chicken out…the nasty voice in Squall's head whispered. You think that things will get better? They won't. You think you can handle this? You can't. You're not strong enough.

You never will be.


The service was being held in a stuffy, humid church with an enormously high ceiling. There were 15 rows of wooden pews adorned with white flowers. A small picture frame with a portrait of Ellone inside it was perched on the pulpit.

It was 3:15. Still no Squall. However, there was still enough time for him to be "fashionably late."

Laguna's eyes darted to the door every 5 minutes. It was difficult to do this while maintaining the "I'm-the-friendly-President" show and maintaining the "I'm-the-generous-host" show at the same time.

He shook hands, accepted condolences. 3:43. Still no Squall. "I think you should tell the priest to begin now," Kiros whispered. "He's either coming or he's not."

"Five more minutes," Laguna implored.

The five minutes came and went without their quarry appearing. Cursing under his breath, Laguna gave the priest permission to begin the ceremony.

I can't believe you let me down like this. I can't believe you let HER down like this…

His eyes were glued disbelievingly to the door. Could I really understand one person so little? Let alone my own flesh and blood?

Kiros nudged him lightly. "Stop zoning out. It doesn't look good. Keep appearances."

Laguna suppressed a frown. It was the "keeping appearances" part that he hated most about the presidency. He hated hiding behind a mask of fake smiles.

Especially when he didn't feel at all like smiling.

He tried to listen to what the priest was saying. When the priest was talking about Ellone's "shining virtues," Laguna saw a little girl of six eating chocolate ice cream and getting her mouth all sticky. When the priest mentioned her "inconquerable spirit," Laguna could just hear her little voice wailing "Uncle Laguunaa!" whenever she was angry or had been wronged.

A stab of pain hit him behind the eyes. "Jeez," he whispered inaudibly. Abruptly, he turned to go. Kiros caught him by the arm.

"What are you doing?" he hissed. "Do you have any idea how this looks? The dead girl's fucking uncle walking out of her own memorial service?"

"I need to get some air," Laguna muttered softly, pushing past Kiros and walking out of the chapel. Kiros sighed heavily. There was going to be a lot of explaining to do.

Laguna strode through the wet grass to the back of the chapel, where the graveyard was. He scanned the headstones until he found the one he was looking for.

"Hey, Ell," he said quietly, putting a hand on the headstone. He sat down on the soggy grass. The fact that he was in a ridiculously expensive suit didn't seem to matter.

"I guess I messed up, didn't I?" he said. "I wish I could fix what I did wrong. Maybe then, he'd be here now. But it's just like you said. We can't fix time. Even when it hurts."

He scuffed at the dirt with his dreadfully expensive shoes. "He changed me. You both did," he said slowly. "Life doesn't seem so simple anymore. It's not so…one-sided…"

He was forced to abruptly end his monologue when he heard footsteps approaching behind him.

"You know, grass stains on your ass don't make for very good mourning attire."

Laguna turned around and looked up into the face of his smirking son. He was accompanied by an unfamiliar girl with big brown eyes and a black dress.

Laguna ignored that comment. "So you came," he said evenly. "I thought you had changed your mind."

"I thought I did, too," Squall confessed. "Kiros told me you were out here. He looked pretty pissed. Oh, um…Rinoa, this is Laguna. I guess you know that already."

"Hi," Rinoa said, flashing a smile and shaking Laguna's hand. She looked so much like Julia…but that was a topic for another time.

"I'm gonna go inside now, okay?" Rinoa asked. Squall nodded.

"Pull up some grass," Laguna offered, gesturing to the space beside him. The dew was seeping in through the material of his pants.

"Not everyone has your salary," Squall answered. He crouched instead. "What are you doing out here, anyway?"

Laguna shook his head. "I don't really know. Actually, no. I do know. That in there," he inclined his head towards the chapel. "That's not a real memorial service. Remembering people can't be done properly in a ungodly hot building with half the people bored to death. That just…sucks," he finished, for lack of a better word.

Squall stared at him. "You know, for once, I actually understand what the hell you're talking about."

"That's good…I think. So anyway, that was Rinoa? She looked nice. You're a lucky man."

"Not really. I'm kinda on probation," he said moodily.

"Why?"

"She's still…not ready for us to be where we were before all this happened," he said, motioning at the tombstone. "She felt betrayed…and she was right."

"Hey," Laguna said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It'll get better. Promise."

Squall's eyes were still fixed on Ellone's gravestone. He had changed so much since he had been here last. In a way, he had gotten what he had wanted, identity and realization, but it had come at an awful price.

His mind was still drifting, so he didn't notice that he had sat down on the grass. "Oh, crap," he said, jumping up.

Laguna laughed. "Loosen up, Commander." Squall hesitated then sat down. "You've come a long way," Laguna said. "I really did think that you decided not to come. I'm proud of you."

Squall shrugged. "I didn't want to come because…there's something about talking about dead people that I hate. I hate it when people refer to the deceased in the past tense. Like they've totally disappeared from our lives. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't wanna hear people talking about what Ellone was."

Laguna cocked his head. "You know, I think you're right. She still seems so real to me, and she'll probably never leave either of us."

Squall plucked up a handful of grass and threw it away from him. "I just wish things had gone differently."

"Hey," Laguna said, elbowing him gently. "Remember what I told you about fate."

Squall sighed. "You know, I've thought about that, and I think you're wrong."

Laguna raised his eyebrow. "Really?"

Squall nodded. "Yeah. Life isn't about just floating and letting things come to you. Yeah, there are some inescapable truths. I'll give you that. But you know what? I'm gonna fight for what I want. When shit happens, I'm not just gonna chalk it up to fate. Life shouldn't work that way. I've decided that," he jerked a thumb towards himself. "I'm gonna be the one in control of my own life."

Laguna laughed. That had been the Squall Leonhart version of the Gettysburg Address. "Where did that come from? You should be a motivational speaker."

Squall made a face. "I guess I should go inside now, huh?"

Laguna shook his head. "Even I can't stomach it in there."

Squall stood up. " I have to. There are some things you have to take responsibility for," Squall chided. "Think about that." He brushed off the blades of grass clinging to his pants and started to walk back to the chapel.

Laguna laughed again. Why is my son more mature than I am? "Wait. I guess if you're going, I'll go too," Laguna said.

Squall smiled slightly. "I'm proud of you," he teased, echoing his father. "I know it's hard for you to be such an adult."

"Shut up!" Laguna exclaimed, grinning.

They stopped when they reached the immense oak doors of the chapel. Both were hesitating to go in.

Laguna turned to his son. "So, Squall…you think you're ready to have a family again?"

Squall thought. Family?My mother and sister are dead. I was the shattered vase. And Laguna had rushed to his aid with a bottle of Super-Glue and a refusal to take any of Squall's shit. He had to give Laguna some credit. I've got control now. My life is starting to come together again.

He was ready, he thought, to take a dive.

"I guess I could give it a try," he said, shrugging. "…Dad." The word still didn't feel quite right. But it's a start.

Laguna grinned broadly and opened the door of the chapel.

The End


Alright, time for the hokey ending speech:

Thanks to all my reviewers, (some of whom acted as proofreaders as well. thanks for the help, guys) and people who genuinely gave the story a chance and tried to make it better. You guys rock. End of story.

Watch out for my next fic, 'kay? I have a good feeling about it.

'Til next time,

-peridotaurora