Bits and Pieces

By: neen


Hmm. Just a celebration of summer. ONE MORE EXAM TO GO! Woot.

Enjoy.


III.

Lily was gagging by the time they had finished snogging.

"I think—my—gasp—throat's—gasp, gasp—closing up," Lily informed, trying to breathe, but finding it very hard to do so. "Allergies!"

"Oh."

"Help—gasp—please?" Lily said, breathing in and out.

"Sure." James leaned over, and pressed his lips on Lily's mouth.

Lily spluttered and pushed him away. "Gasp. I NEED AIR, James! GAAAASP."

"Oh." James racked his brain, trying to think of something. "Should I help you over to the Hospital Wing then?"

Lily nodded furiously, glad that James finally thought of something sensible to say.

"Right, then. Let's go!" James said cheerfully and led the way. Too bad Lily didn't follow him.

James paused, feeling as if Lily had not quite stepped up yet. He turned around and saw Lily on the ground, breathing desperately, and with a murderous glint in her eye.

"Eh, sorry." James said sheepishly and came back to her.

"My—gasp—purse. Look—gasp—inside for long white—wheeze—breathing thing," Lily tried to say in simple terms.

"Erm, okay." James zipped open Lily's purse and rummaged around a few seconds.

"Ah! I've found it!" James said proudly, and his hand emerged from the purse with a long, white, tampon.

Lily widened her eyes, not sure whether or not to feel embarrassed or laugh at the absurdity of James thinking the tampon was a respirator.

James bounced over and stuffed it into Lily's left nostril. "There! All better, Fur-ball?"

Lily, who at this time, was having an extremely difficult time breathing, now had something blocking her left nostril's air passage, which was the nostril that wasn't stuffed up. The good nostril. So, now, all her air was blocked.

Oh, and since her throat was blocked, well, let's just say that at the moment, Lily had no oxygen intake whatsoever.

Her face was turning quite a pretty shade of blue. Cerulean, I believe it's called.

James, feeling a burst of intelligence, thought something might be wrong. Quickly, he reached over and unplugged the respirator from Lily's left nostril. Lily's cheeks turned a healthier pink. Her breathing turned from nothing to ragged shakes.

"Maybe it was the wrong way in. No—wait, it has a wrapper on it! No wonder you couldn't breathe through it! Sorry, Fur-Ball," James apologized and opened the tampon up.

"Oh. I don't see a breathing thing hole," James said, looking confused, as he inspected the newly opened tampon closely.

Meanwhile, Lily was clinging on to her last breath.

"Ohh! James opened up the tampon, revealing a string. "A string? How is a string supposed to help you breathe?"

He glanced at Lily, who was slowly turning cerulean blue again.

"Oh, crap!"

"GAAAAASP. WRONG THING!" Lily wheezed out. "TAMPON."

"Oh. YOU MEAN I JUST TOUCHED A FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCT?" James asked, looking absolutely horrified. "THE THING GIRLS USE TO CATCH THEIR PERIOD'S BLOOD FLOW?"

Lily sighed, but it ended up sounding like a hacking cough.

"THE THING YOU INSERT INSIDE YOUR VAGINA?" James continued crazily until he saw Lily's pained look.

"Umm, how about this?" James asked, pulling out a bronzer tube brush. "Here, lemme open it for you."

James clawed it open, breaking it. The contents spewed in the air, casting the shimmery powder everywhere. James let out a shrill girlish scream. "OH, FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN! IT'S AN EXPLODING TAMPON! TAMPON BOMB! AHHHHHHH!"

James finally quieted down after two minutes of running around screaming 'EXPLODING TAMPON BOMB!' very loudly. He resumed his search of a breathing apparatus for Lily in Lily's purse. His fingers ran across a white, long, breathing thing that had a hole for a mouth insertion.

"Ohh." James said, realization dawning on him. So this was a respirator!

Proudly, he brandished the respirator he had just found like a trophy and turned around to show Lily.

Lily would have been so proud.

Except for one thing. She had already passed out from not being able to breathe, and was looking a ghastly dark blue. Like marine blue.

"SHIT!" James cursed loudly and promptly stuffed the respirator into Lily's mouth and carried her to the Hospital Wing.

o.O.o.O.o

"Poms, is she gonna be all right?" James asked, desperately, as he saw that Lily's face was not turning any pinker.

Madam Pomfrey prodded Lily's face with her wand. "I'm afraid she's gone."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" James let out an agonizingly long and pained war cry.

"She'll be better in a couple of hours," Madam Pomfrey continued evenly.

"NO, SHE WON'T!" James cried hysterically. "SHE'S DEAD. HOW CAN SHE BE BETTER IF SHE'S DEAD?"

Madam Pomfrey raised an eyebrow. "Young man, you are insane. I haven't the slightest notion what you're going on about. Ms. Evans will be breathing correctly in a few hours. Now, shoo! No visitors allowed until she's all better."

"Oh."

"Well? What are you waiting for? On with it. Out—out!" Madam Pomfrey said impatiently as she pushed a reluctant James out and closed a curtain around Lily's bed.

"So, you're sure she's going to be all right?" James pressed worriedly. "I accidentally stuffed a tampon in her nose, and then I made a tampon bomb explode. So I dunno if you're going to still think she's going to be all right."

"A tampon? Good grief, boy! What were you trying to do with her? Only Merlin knows. My heavens, that explains the string coming out of her nose…" Madam Pomfrey shook her head, looking disgusted at James.

"No, no," James said, defending himself, "I wasn't trying any funny business, Poms."

"OUT OF MY HOSPITAL, NOW, POTTER!" Madam Pomfrey said angrily. "BEFORE I FORCE THIS CONCOCTION DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

Madam Pomfrey held up a gooey and bubbling puke-green mixture threateningly.

"Right!" James said quickly and left the building.

o.O.o.O.o

As promised, a couple hours later, James came back with high hopes that Lily was better.

"Fur-Ball, you okay now?" James asked softly, sitting at Lily's side.

Lily's eyes flew open, and she took in a deep breath. Then she erupted into gales of laughter.

"Oh, dear!" She laughed loudly. "Tampon! You took apart a tampon!"

James looked highly embarrassed, and his cheeks were burning. "Yeah. And then that tampon bomb thing exploded. That was bad."

Lily shook her head. "That was my bronzer. Makeup. It's sparkly powder in a tube. Not a tampon bomb."

"Oh," James said in a small voice, wondering if things could get any worse.

They did.

"And," Lily continued, now looking enraged, "you left me there on the ground for fifty minutes trying to find a bloody respirator! You stuck a tampon in my nose, then you broke my favorite makeup product! On top of all of that, you let me pass out, when I was suffering from allergies from your sodding cologne that smells moldy and burnt!"

"Er." James said eloquently. "My apologies, Fur-Ball?"

Like James had anticipated, Lily's expression softened at the mention of her nickname. "It s'all right. Besides, that was hilarious."

"Good," James leaned in, and another snogging fest quickly followed.

"AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" A shocked and horrified scream interrupted them.

It was Madam Pomfrey, looking like she was about to have a cardiac arrest. "No funny business, you say, Potter? What's THIS?"

James blanched. "Erm, actually, Poms, it's not what you think…"

"OUT!"

"But—"

"I STILL HAVE THAT POTION READY, POTTER!"

"Poop head."

Forty-two seconds later, one could find James Potter puking his guts out in the closest trash can. It seems that Madam Poms did force down the potion.

Oh, really, you ask?

Really.

James Potter had grown unmistakable boobage.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"


Author's Note:

Yeah, in case this wasn't enough for you, you guys can check out Odds and Ends and see if it suits you. It's not as funny as this, but almost as random!

Thanks, and reviews would be great.