Bits and Pieces

By: neen


Oh dear. This is getting out a hand. A story…with almost a plot. This is against all rules! Eek. It's not much of a parody anymore, because I've really enjoyed the randomness of it, and surprisingly enough, I have this going somewhere. Sorry for those of you who liked the parody.

Enjoy.


IV.

"Oh, bugger this all," James cursed, looking at himself in the large mirror in the Hospital Wing.

Lily was set off into a series of cackles. "That's so hilarious!"

"Aw, Lily, you're supposed to be supportive of me," James whined sadly.

"Sorry. I find this rather funny," Lily grinned cheekily.

"Hey!" James exclaimed suddenly, excited. His eyes lit up.

"What happened now, Potter?" Lily asked, looking quite amused.

"I have boobs," James declared proudly and gave his new appendages a hearty, greedy squeeze. "They're nice and firm."

"Oh, dear Merlin," Lily rolled her eyes as she gave a disgusted fake heave at the sight before her. James groping himself in front of her. Lovely. "You pervert. You realize you're feeling yourself up, don't you?"

"I'm looking hot," James said, examining his womanly items in the mirror closely. He prodded his boobs, and looked satisfied with them.

"Ahem."

"Blimey, I can't wait to go to the bathroom," James said, giving Lily a suggestive wink.

"Oh, MERLIN! This is horrid day to all girls. James Potter, female," Lily sighed, and then added as an afterthought, "You're going to have a bit of fun, Jamie, dearest."

James grinned widely. "I know."

"No, that's not what I mean."

"No?"

"No. Just wait till your period comes," Lily said, suppressing a snicker.

"Period?" James gasping, looking absolutely horrified. "A period?"

"Or the female menstruation cycle. Whatever term suits you more," Lily said, shrugging.

"CRAPPITY CRAP IT. You mean I have to stick one of those tampon thingies up my arse?" James asked, looking paler by the second.

Lily smirked. "For about five to seven days, yeah."

"FIVE TO SEVEN DAYS!" James yelped, blanching.

"Yeah. Depends on how much bloo—"

"—NO! DON'T SAY THAT BLASTED WORD. IT'LL CURSE ME," James interrupted, hysterical. "I CAN'T TAKE IT!"

"What?" Lily asked, feigning innocence. "Blood?"

"Bugger it!" James cursed again and then, oddly enough, began whimpering loudly. "I think I feel something wetdown there!"

"Just your imagination, I s'ppose. Why don't you go check up on it?" Lily asked, her smirk widening. "I have some extra tampons if you happen to need some, Jamie."

"Don't call me that!" James shrieked wildly and ran off towards the bathroom.

He ran into the boys' bathroom, earning him several whistle calls and scandalizing comments.

"AHHHHHHHH! THE GIRL'S LOO! I NEED THE GIRL'S LOO," James said, panting as he ran back out. He glanced at Lily desperately, who pointed left.

Now, one can see where Harry Potter gets his happy caps-locking all the words he says from. I must admit, it does seem to be a genetic disease…

After several long minutes, one James Henry Potter emerged from the girls' bathroom.

"You guys have stalls?" was the first thing that popped out of his mouth. "With doors?"

"No blood, Jamie?" Lily asked, ignoring his question.

"Nope," James said cheerfully. "I just pissed on myself. Well, I actually pissed on my underwear, so I guess, if you want to be technical, that isn't directly on m—"

Lily made a disgusted look. "Bleh, Jamie! Do stop. And yes, we do have doors and stalls."

"That's a brilliant notion! How come the guys' bathroom architect person didn't think of that? I don't exactly mind broadcasting my privates to the world, but what if some people have puny little pen—"

"Jamie. STOP," Lily commanded, irritated.

"Yes, Lily," James acquiesced sourly. "Oooh. Guess what I saw?"

"Your first vagina?" Lily asked, getting bored of this conversation.

"Actually, it was my—hmm—I think eighth?" James pondered a minute, calculating, giving Lily a secretive smile.

Lily stared at James. "James, do not ever tell me your sex history again."

"I was just joking, Lily," James said weakly. "It was my first."

"HAH! James Potter is a virgin!" Lily said, grinning widely.

James, to Lily's great surprise, blushed. "No need to tell it to the world, Lily."

Lily grinned back at him cheekily.

"Anyways," James continued, "I wasn't going to say vagina. I was going to say that I saw my first roll of toilet paper."

Lily stopped smiling. "First roll of toilet paper. Your first roll of toilet paper. Have you been living under a cauldron or something?"

James happily shook his head. "No. It's just that the guys' bathroom never has toilet paper stocked up."

"What do you use then?" Lily asked, curious.

"Well, actually, we don't really u—"

"Okay, you can stop right there. I think I got it," Lily said, feeling a bit sick.

James looked up at her. "Lily, do you really love me?"

"Well, if the authoress made me say it, then I suppose so, right?" Lily answered with an uncertain look.

James looked uneasy. "I dunno. You don't seem like you do—yet."

Lily raised an eyebrow at his last word. "You're implying…?"

James nodded eagerly. "Screw this stupid parchment act-out thing. We're doing our thing. Living out our own legacy. Didn't you say that you were freaked out about how this authoress controlled every movement, every word of yours?"

Lily nodded. "Yes, but, what if she finds out?"

James grinned. "She would've stopped us by now, wouldn't she?"

Lily smiled as well. "That's true. Soo. I just wanted to tell you that you're an excellent kisser."

"Thank you kindly, Lily. The same goes for you," James said elegantly.

"Secondly, I would like for you to know that you turn me on, a lot."

"As you do for me," James smiled.

"And most of all, I want you to know that I still dislike you a lot. I have no idea how I even agreed to go along to the script in the first place."

"Same he—wait, what? You don't like me still?" James asked, looking hurt and bewildered.

Lily almost regretted her words. But it was the truth. She tried to explain in a kinder tone. "Well, you are an annoying little prat. And sometimes, I would give anything to stab your eye out and stomp on it. And then there are those rest of the times that I want to send you through the meat grinder and feed your parts to the Giant Squid. But besides that, you're all right."

"Wait. Didn't you say sometimes, then the rest of the time? So, I'm never all right?" James asked shrewdly.

Lily was afraid he would catch that. "Erm, yes?"

"Oh, okay." James said, surprisingly not looking depressed.

"You're not mad?"

"Nope."

"Depressed?"

"Nah."

"About to go jump off from the balcony of the window next to my bed and commit suicide?"

"I was looking for a window. Thanks, Lily."

"Wait!"

"Yeah?"

"Please don't commit suicide. I don't want that on my conscious."

"Oh. Well, I was just trying to open the window and let you have some fresh air."

"Oh," came Lily's small voice. "Thanks, James. That's really nice of you."

"You're welcome, Lily."

A silence followed.

"Man, these boobies are killing me," James groaned, holding them up through his shirt and therefore breaking the silence.

Lily sighed. This James as a girl business would have some getting used to.


Author's Note:

Yes, yes, I know. I did change it a bit. Okay, a lot. But I think this is better, because I can have more things to write about. And the idea just kinda popped into my head and molded itself into this story. Somehow. Hope you guys understand.

However, if you guys don't like this approach, just tell me in a review, and I'll switch back.

Thanks, and I always like reviews!

But no reviews for last chapter? SOB. I'm guessing you guys didn't like it very much?

Hopefully, this will get more feedback.