Bits and Pieces

By: neen


Yay, got more reviews. But I'm updating mostly because…drum roll…I AM DONE WITH EXAMS. FINISHED. Until next year…

Anyways. Please review, so I can see if people actually like this, or if they're giving me weird looks that hint at maybe I should call the local psychiatric wing in the hospital. Which, I have the number for.

Enjoy.


V.

"Lily?"

"Yes, Potter?"

"I, um, what am I supposed to do now?"

"Erm, about what?"

"I'm a girl," James said, looking embarrassed as he gave his boobs a gentle squeeze. "And these are dragging me down!"

Lily snorted with laughter. "So? What did Madam Pomfrey say about it anyways?"

James face paled abnormally white. "She told me that this potion wears off in a month! I'm supposed to go around as a female specimen for four weeks, thirty days, seven hundred twenty hours, forty-three thousand, two hundred minutes, and two million, five hundred ninty-two thousand seconds! And there's no spell to change me back beforehand!"

"Actually," Lily chirped, "It's thirty-one days this month, so your calculations are all wrong. It's actually going to be seven hundred forty-fo—"

James groaned very loudly, drowning out Lily's corrections.

"I think I'm going to jump out that window I just opened."

"Jumping's not always the solution, Potter," Lily said, playing with the sheets on the hospital bed.

"Thanks, Lily. I knew you'd stop me from murdering myself," James said, shooting Lily a grateful look.

"You might want to try flinging yourself out. That way, instead of jumping and breaking all your knee caps and joints and therefore causing a messy clean up for the house-elves, you would just splatter on the ground," Lily continued cheerfully.

"Oh," James mumbled, looking quite put out.

"But," Lily added later, causing James's face to light up, "it'll still cause quite a large mess."

"Yeah. So I shouldn't take my own life, then?" James asked Lily hopefully, hoping she would dissuade him from doing so.

"Oh, no, I never suggested that. I think you should still. But first, you should attach some pillows around you to minimize the splattering of guts and organs oozing out," Lily said thoughtfully.

James frowned.

"Or, maybe you should take another approach, Potter."

"Yeah?" James brightened. Perhaps Lily would now talk him out of this suicide attempt.

"How about you just drink arsenic?" Lily suggested helpfully, and pointed to the medicine cabinet.

James's heart saddened at this and because he could bear no more, he trudged along to the cabinet, opened it, and took out the bottle.

"Well. This is it, I suppose. Good bye, Lily," James said mournfully and opened the potion bottle.

Lily quickly disarmed James.

"I was just joking, James," Lily said hastily and magicked the bottle to fly back into the medicine cabinet.

"Oh," James said, bright and cheerful now.

"Besides, Madam Pomfrey might suspect me of murdering you," Lily explained more clearly. "And I don't want that on my record."

"Oh."

"Fine. And I would miss your madness and random comments, however bizarre they are," Lily said, sniffing her nose.

"I knew it," James said, looking proud.

"Yeah, yeah," Lily muttered, looking unhappy at this thought.

"So," James said.

"So."

"About my boobs…" James began, as if it was a natural part of any conversation.

Lily rolled her eyes at the ceiling. "Yes, Potter? What about your wonderful, new-found body parts?"

"They're squishy and big."

"Yeah, so?"

"What am I going to do?" James moaned, thoroughly depressed by now. "I can't be a girl for thirty-one days!"

"Oh, Potter, sure you can."

"No. My reputation's going to be ruined!" James said, wailing uncontrollably.

"Stop, Potter! You sound like a banshee," Lily said in an annoyed tone.

"Sorry, Lily."

"How about you explain the situation to the teachers? Tell them that you're going to pose as an exchange student, say, from Beauxbatons," Lily offered helpfully.

James's eyes lit up. "That's brilliant, Lily!"

Lily's cheeks flustered a bit at this compliment. "Thanks."

"I'm feeling much better. In fact, I think I'm going to run over to the guys' dorm and show these babies off!" James informed, grinning wildly, and giving a quick wave at Lily, took off.

Lily sighed, and oddly enough, felt that the room was rather empty without James.

She slept, wanting the gnawing feeling to get out of her head…and mostly out of her heart.

o.O.o.O.o

"You lucky stag!"

"Blimey."

"Can I touch your melons, please?"

James stood in the center of the room, showcasing his newly developed chest. He grinned as each Marauder took their turn gazing intently, and scowled as Sirius groped him repeatedly.

"Stop, Pad! That is homosexual. Fruity, you know," James said, looking highly irritated at his chest being squeezed so many times involuntarily. "I'm still a guy inside."

Sirius snorted loudly in disbelief. "To hell with that! You're stuck in a girl's bod, Prongsie dearest."

James blanched. "You don't mean…You're going to rape me?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "No, Prongs, I'm not. I am however, going to feel you up any chance I get, and I'm also going to charm you into sleeping with me…voluntarily." He smirked widely.

James eyes bulged open. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. THAT IS MORALLY CORRUPT AND WRONG, SIRIUS ORION BLACK! You bastard. Get your eyes off my chest, now."

"Oh, shut up, you sodding twat," Sirius said, looking annoyed, "I was just messing with you."

Remus was still shaking his head at having this conversation in the first place. "So what are you planning to do, James?"

"I dunno, Moony. Lily suggested that I pose as a girl, and I think that's what I'm doing," James said, shrugging his shoulders.

"That's a good idea, actually. You need a new appearance, a new name," Remus said thoughtfully, nodding to himself.

"Prinscilla," Peter said, piping up.

"Attaboy, Wormy," Sirius roared, slapping Peter's back rather hard. Peter winced and slowly massaged his shoulder tenderly. "Good name, Prinscilla."

"Prinscilla Adams," James said, "From Beauxbatons."

"Oui!" Sirius said, grinning. "C'est formidable."

James looked puzzled at his burst of French. "You know French?"

"Ah, oui, monsieur!" Sirius grinned cheekily. "I've been giving many girls numerous French lessons. One could say I'm a master."

Remus rolled his eyes at this comment and cleared his throat. "Anyways. It seems that Prongs need a makeover." Then, giving a rare mischievous smile, he pushed James onto his cot.

"Hey!" James cried, looking surprised. "What the bloody hell was that for, Moony?"

He got no response. Instead, various objects were being flung towards his head.

"Here, try this," Sirius said and threw over a bright blue, voluptuous bra. It tangled itself into James's already messy hair.

"Where'd you get this?" James asked in amazement as he got the bra out.

"Nicked it," Sirius said casually, and threw over some other things at James's beds. Makeup products, razors, mirrors, hair styling supplies, and girls' clothes found their way at James's feet. How his friends had this many girl items, James would never know. But then again, ninety-two percent of the things on the floor belonged to Sirius. 'And Sirius did have a way with girls,' James was grudgingly forced to admit.

"Nice," James murmured as he fingered a lacy black thong that Sirius threw over soon after. "Nicked this too, Padfoot?"

Sirius gave a knowing smile. "Nah. It's mine."

James's eyes bulged out again. "Yours?"

Sirius coughed loudly. "Never you mind, Jamesie. Just try it on, and we'll see."

"Umm, I think I'll stick to my boxers, thanks."

"Here's a smaller school robe too, Prongs," Remus said, handing him the set.

"Thanks."

Twenty-one minutes later, James emerged from the bathroom, looking highly humiliated.

Sirius whistled suggestively. "Looking good, Prongsie."

Remus nodded. "More girlish."

Peter smiled and added. "I'd shag you."

All three other pairs of eyes fell on Peter. A pregnant silence followed.

James choked, turning rather red. "Please don't ever say that again, Peter."

Peter, feeling the attention on him, dropped his head to his feet. "Sorry. Didn't mean it."

Remus cleared his throat, breaking the awkward moment. "So."

"My nose is peeling," James announced, looking cross-eyed at his nose, and pointing dramatically. "It's flaking. This has never happened before!"

"Prongs, use this moisturizer on your face daily. Twice—once before you go to sleep, and the other time after you wash your face in the morning. It's tinted too, so it gives you nice golden glow," Sirius said expertly, brandishing a large tub of tinted moisturizer in the air. "Girls' faces are usually more sensitive, which makes them peel more."

Another awkward silence.

"Padfoot, do I need to know why you're stocked on tinted moisturizer?" James asked, looking appalled.

Sirius barked a forced laugh and hastily said in an uncertain voice. "Er—nicked it too?"

James visibly relaxed at these words and obediently put on the moisturizer, squeezing out a large amount generously.

"Oh, I can't take this anymore," Sirius groaned dramatically and quickly ran over and grabbed James's boobs.

"AHHHHHHHHH! GET YOUR BLOODY HANDS OFF NOW! THIS IS SCARRING ME FOREVER! DISTURBING IMAGES," James shouted frantically, batting away Sirius's offending hands.

Sirius looked embarrassed as he continued to do scandalizing things to James's chest. "It's the bra—it's bewitched! My hands are automatically attracted to boobs in that bra," Sirius tried to explain, feeling up James in the process.

James looked horrified. "I'd never thought I'd do this, out of respect to my fellow men, but…"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOW!"

Yes, James Potter had kneed Sirius Black in the gonads.

Ouch.

As Sirius was doubled over on the floor, James quickly ran into the bathroom to snap the bra off and drown himself in the nearest toilet.

"EUUUUUUURGH," James wailed, sobbing hysterically at being molested by another guy. He stuck his head in the toilet, and was careful to remove his glasses first.

"Oy, Prongs! I think I forgot to flush the toilet…" Peter called out, trying to be helpful.

The splashing stopped, followed by a loud curse and disgusted cries. "ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHH!"

Remus shook his head at the sad actions of his friends.

James came out of the bathroom, looking greatly harassed and revolted. His face was an odd shade of yellow. Perhaps it was the tinted moisturizer. One should hope so. But, those odd brown things sticking in his hair…

"I just dunked my head in pee. And some floating, broken up feces. PEE AND POOP. Tell me how this could get any worse."

Oh, but it did.

Sirius, now mostly recovered from James's deadly kick, stood up, leaned over, and groped James's boobs again.

"I DON'T HAVE THE BLOODY BRA ON!" James shrieked violently.

"I know," Sirius said, looking remorseful. "I think I'm just attracted to boobies."

"Bugger."


Author's Note:

An extra long one to satisfy you people out there. Hopefully, I'll get like 100 reviews for this lovely piece of work, right?

I wish.

I think I passed all my exams! Yay.

Thanks, and please, please REVIEW!

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