Bits and Pieces

By: neen


Kudos to summer! big smile

Anyways. Please review, so I can see if people actually like this or I need to be dragged down to an asylum…Enjoy.


VI.

The next day, the lovely new Prinscilla Adams went to classes. Decked out in full girl gear.

Repeatedly, guys went up to Prinscilla and demanded that she go out on a date with them.

And every single time, James would respond with a casual shrug and say, "Jane say pah."

Each time, the boys would scuttle away, and look up the meaning of 'jane say pah' in the French-English dictionary to no avail. The term just wasn't in there.

They were annoyed too, by the fact that Prinscilla seemed to like the Marauders quite a bit. In fact, they got along quite suspiciously like old friends, or worse, lovers.

"You know, Prinscilla, you've been saying the term wrong. It's je ne sais pas," Sirius said in an elegant French accent to James who finished shrugging off yet another boy.

"Oh. Jane say pah, right?" James asked cheerfully.

"No, no. You're saying it wrong," Sirius said impatiently. "Repeat after me. Je."

"Je."

"Ne."

"Ne."

"Sais."

"Sais."

"Pas."

"Pas."

"Got it?" Sirius asked, looking proud of his teaching methods. Fool-proof. Worked every time.

"Yep."

"Now link them together. Je ne sais pas," Sirius ordered firmly and pronounced very slowly.

''Jane say pah,'' James said eagerly, thinking he was, no doubt, correct.

The sound of Sirius slamming his head down into the table was audible.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

Remus pried Sirius away from the offending desk and sat him up. "Patience, Padfoot. Patience is a virtue."

"Virtue my arse," Sirius said shortly, waving away Remus with irritation. "James is a blockhead."

"Blockhead?" James's head snapped up, looking dangerous. "I am not the one who got hit with letter blocks when I was an infant!"

"Oh, yeah?" Sirius was standing up now, but then sat back down angrily when Remus pulled on his sleeve and shook his head furiously. "And just who happened to hit me with them, eh, Prongs?"

"Padfoot," Remus said warningly. Sirius let it go.

"Whatever, Prinscilla," Sirius said huffily, slamming his arm down on his table.

"Je ne sais pas," James said randomly, and in perfect pronunciation.

Sirius blinked. "That's right."

"I know."

"So you made me bang my head in annoyance, even though you knew how to say it?" Sirius asked dangerously.

"Yeah. I get bored, Padfoot," James said and then puffed out his chest. "Here, have a go, if you'd like."

Sirius's anger vaporized immediately and he lunged forward rapidly. "Okay."

"Hey!" James shouted indignantly. "I didn't think you were serious!"

Sirius winked openly. "Oh, but I am Sirius!"

Remus whacked him on the back of his head. "Shut up, Padfoot. That thing's old by now."

"But it's ever so funny!" Peter said eagerly, but merely got ignored.

"PRINSCILLA!"

An audible gasp was heard. James and Sirius turned around, caught in the act. Sirius held onto James's one-day old boobies for dear life.

It was Philip Cady, looking absolutely shocked as Sirius felt James's boobs.

"Er, bonjour?" James said, weakly.

"You must not understand, coming from France," Philip explained in a slow voice, tugging Sirius's hand away with full force. "Sirius Black is molesting you!"

"She likes it," Sirius said with a wide grin.

Philip promptly ignored Sirius's claim and continued to speak to James very tenderly. "I know it might be a dreadful shock, having someone do that to you! Absolutely horrifying. I'm embarrassed to say that Black is of the same gender as I."

"Er—" James looked at Sirius for support.

"Je regrette. Évidemment, tu n'as pas compris le premier temps. Elle adore moi," Sirius said smugly.

Philip looked at him with a blank expression on his face. "What?"

Sirius cracked a grin. "I'm sorry. Evidently, you didn't understand the first time. She loves me," Sirius said extremely slowly, mimicking the way Philip spoke to James. "MEEE!"

Philip looked highly offended at this and turned away quickly, wiggling his butt as he did so.

"What a priss," Sirius commented lightly, causing James to laugh.

Remus nudged James in the ribs. "Alert. Lily's coming."

"To our table?" James yelped in surprise, and turned to see that Lily was definitely coming to their table.

James cleared his throat, making it into a deeper voice. "Hullo there, Lily."

Lily laughed her famous tinkling bell laughter that caused James to hang onto her every word. "Cut the voice, James. I already know that you deepen it around me. Besides, people might suspect that you're actually—the horror—a guy!"

"Oh," James said sheepishly. "How's your throat—the allergies and stuff. Sorry about that before."

Lily flustered a bit. "Oh, that—I'm fine, thanks. It's all right."

"So," James began conversationally.

A bell rang, signaling classes.

"Oh, but I didn't have time—" Lily said, looking depressed.

"Can I walk you to class?" James offered, looking at Lily adoringly.

"Ah, yes, sure," Lily said, stumbling a bit. That's never happened before.

Together, they trudged through the busy corridors and hallways of Hogwarts, attempting to get to their next class, Transfiguration. James made sure to give Lily ample personal space.

"Oh, come here, you breastling," Lily sighed in exasperation, giving up at last. She pursed her lips together, ready.

James's eyes widened. "Lily, that's my nickname to snog you senseless!"

"I know."

"So what are you—oh." Realization hit James quite hard. "OH."

"Yes, oh," Lily said impatiently, her lips still resembling that of a fish's.

"Fur-ball, we can't! Not in the middle of everythi—mmphf."

So, in the middle of the bustling hallway, with numerous amounts of onlookers, they kissed. Around them, fireworks burst happily and bubbles gently floated down…

And one boy looked on with great sadness. With a depressed wail of outrage, Severus Snape cried loudly, "NOOOO! PRINSCILLA!"

James and Lily finally broke the kiss off. James turned to cast a revolted look at Snape, who was sobbing uncontrollably. James raised his eyebrows, having never seen Snape shed a tear, even after that quite humiliating incident James had put Snape through..

"Prinscilla! You're gay with Evans!" Snape pointed out in a horrified voice.

"Ah, well, erm—" James started off eloquently.

Lily began to laugh loudly, then in a very quiet undertone, she said, "Oh—dear, Snape! Take a good look at lovely Miss Prinscilla. She's actually James Potter."

Snape stopped sniveling. "What?"

James paled. "Lily! You said, didn't you? You're not supposed to say! Like all other fanfiction out there, you're supposed to keep it a secret. But wait, no, we're already out of the fanfiction bound with the whole very public kissing when I'm a girl. We were supposed to sneak around very naughtily and all—"

"I HAD A CRUSH ON JAMES POTTER," Snape exploded, interrupting James's ponderings. Snape was turning rather green himself. "A guy. I'm—I'm homosexual!"

People turned around to glance at him curiously, seeing that he had seemingly admitted that rather randomly.

"Ah, Snape, but didn't we already establish that?" James asked him lightly.

Snape moaned loudly. "I'm homosexual. A fruity. A swirly. A zig-zag. A non-fellytone pole—"

"Telephone, Snape," Lily corrected breezily.

"—A testosterone-lover. A—"

"We get the idea, Snivvy," James cut in quickly, thoughts of Snape liking him thoroughly disgusting him.

"But those boobs…" Snape said, trailing off, his eyes falling onto James's large chest.

James self-consciously folded his womanly arms over them protectively. They've already been fondled one too many times by Mr. Black. "Yes. I have boobs."

"Are they real?"

"EURGH, SNIVELLUS!" James cried in outburst and furiously said, "Of course they're real!"

"Ahh…Potter has boobs!"

"Yes, yes," James continued heatedly, and seeing that there was no one else in the corridor, said, "I do."

"Can I touch them?"

"EURGH! Hell no!" James shrieks out in alarm and his expression molded into one of enormous repulsion.

Lily, on the other hand, was watching this situation with great amusement.

"Oh, but Potter!" Snape said passionately. "There's no need to be shy—we're both guys! There's no one around, anyways."

"AAAAARGHHHH!" James gave out a shout of annoyance and fright as Snape leaned over quite close. James, having a feeling that Snape was about to either rape him or sexually molest him, quickly backed off and hid behind Lily, who was not laughing anymore.

"James!" Lily hissed with a hint of bemusement, "What are you trying to do? We all know that Snape is probably a registered sex offender in Nova Scotia! Must you put me into these situations?"

"Sorry, Lily dear."

Sighing, Lily pulled out her wand and poof! She magicked on some very female parts onto Snape.

"BOOBS!" Snape cried out joyously, his hands rapidly targeting them.

Lily rolled her eyes, and shoved James, who had given out a cry of fright, to their next class.

o.O.o.O.o

James was sitting quite still and looking quite pale.

Suddenly, he gave out a moan of deep despair, causing Lily, who was sitting in front of him to glance back and give a knowing, sympathetic smile.

"What's wrong, mate?" Sirius asked from beside him, and casting him a strange glance.

"Snape," James offered dully, "wants my boobies."

"WHAT?" Sirius asked, looking positively outraged. "But that's inhumane!"

"I know," James mumbled, looking thoroughly depressed. "I think I'm going to jump off the Astronomy Tower."

"That's absolutely horrid of him to do that! I'm supposed to be the only one that wants your boobies! Me, alone," Sirius continued, and then hearing James's declaration, quickly asked, "Does that mean you'll leave your boobies behind?"

James gave out a large groan, making McGonagall eye him closely. "Adams! Transfigure that desk into a large animal of your choice."

James lazily pointed his wand and transfigured it into a large cow.

"AGH! I was thinking of Snape at the moment," James said and quickly retransfigured it into a large fluffy dog.

"Ooh, nice doggy!" The class murmured in agreement.

"You were thinking of Snape?" Sirius asked, looking horrified. "What? You like him, or worse, you were planning on letting him fondle your puppies too?"

James mentally smacked himself in the head.

Suddenly, a dazed-looking Snape came in and giggling, said, "I'd like to tell everyone of my undying love for James Potter. Hi, James!" He quickly pressed his new boobs, courtesy of Lily, together with his hands, causing many students to snigger and McGonagall to look absolutely horrified.

Quickly, James ducked before any accusations could be hurled at his head.

"Well, buh-bye now!" Snape said, emitting a high-pitched giggle and left, making sure to blow kisses at James's way.

"Prinscilla, was that directed towards you?" McGonagall asked sharply.

"Er, no?"

Author's Note:

Yay, off for a little vacation! No worries, it's only for a day, so I'll be back tomorrow afternoon!

Enjoy and please, please review!

I do accept anonymous reviews!

Thanks.