Chapter 14: Self-Deception
Eos woke on a late February morning from a slight nauseating sensation. She sat up in bed and held on to her belly until the feeling ceased. The smial was quiet. The crickets were coming to the end of their concerto. There was the sound of bed frames creaking slightly in the other rooms. The shapes in her room were all incoherent, the effect evoking a dark labyrinth, a cozy little cave.
There was a kind of freedom to waking up on your own when the sky was still dark. Everything around you was at your disposal. You could get up and float into a waking dream in that sleepy state of mind, or you could lie back, enjoy the warmth of the bed, and keep your fantasies under the covers. Best of all, the dark seemed to insure that all your activities were secret. No one had to know about anything you did in the remnants of the night. When dawn arrived, the dark threw a veil over all those dreams, those naughty things you did. It just so happened that Eos chose to do the latter of the options above.
Eos lay back and snuggled under the covers. She stretched her legs and dreamed of her beloved Frodo. She hid her face under her blankets as a grin broke across her face. Was he still sleeping? He probably was; it was so early that the sky was the darkest possible shade of blue. Probably, when he did rise, he would go to the office in Michel Delving and immerse himself in paperwork, some of it concerning her divorce. He was such a dear, to simply pick up a complex case just for his love for her. She had fantasies of his beautiful blue eyes, filled with the eagerness to please; his silky brown curls that she could bury her hands in and wish they could stay there forever. His wonderful lips, which brought her within the sight of a gate to a world beyond.
And there was their first lovemaking. Eos wondered if it there be a next time. If there could be a next time. Eos chided herself for panicking so much. Of course Frodo will get you a divorce! The papers are going to get approved, you worrywart!
Their kisses when they met in private were not enough to sate their mutual hunger. Eos knew that Frodo wished to feel her skin against his as much as she did. She longed for him to caress her bare breasts with his hands and mouth. She wanted him inside her, so that she could feel his liquid seed fill her once more. With him, everything was magic. It was a slander to compare him to Olo. Eos winced at the memory.
"Your parents are doing this right now! Why ain't you cooperatin'?"
Coarse fingers with yellow nails took a brown nipple and twisted it until it elicited a cry of pain.
"It hurts, don't it? This is what it means to be my wife!" He buried his teeth in her thigh. Eos bit her lip and closed her eyes.
He was always looking for new ways to find thrill, new ways to make sex a twisted thing. They always hurt her, and that was part of what he enjoyed.
He pressed his lips to hers, forcing his tongue between her lips. His teeth closed over her tongue. She was trapped. She would not get away without ripping her means of communication out. Down below, he forced her knees apart and straddled her.
Eos had never been so imprisoned in her life. She was imprisoned in mind and body. It wasn't as if this was some man who had snatched her off the streets and would leave her when he was finished. It was a nightmare she would never wake from. She was stuck with this horrible man, this man who had hardly anything in his head. A man who would use her in every way.
He moved above her and pushed – forced – himself inside her. It was as if he were stabbing a razor sharp knife into her groin, over, and over, and over. Eos shut her eyes to ease the pain. He was grunting over her, inside her. He made her feel so disgusting. This is my lot, Eru? She thought. You meant for me to be a toy? A toy to be used in this perverted manner?
And he was done. After lying atop her for a while, he rolled over and soon she heard his snore. She backed as far away from him as possible on the bed. She turned her back to him and cried for the only one she'd ever wanted.
Eos winced in the dark. The nauseating sensation had returned. What was it? A faraway possibility came to her. It couldn't be…
She threw away the covers and put on a robe. She got up went to sit by the round bedroom window. How long was it since she had had her bleeding? Not since December… That shouldn't be… it was impossible…
Maybe she was aging prematurely. That must be it. Her mother had said that menses became irregular as a woman aged. She must be growing old because of her recently poor health. Yes, that was the reason.
Yet, the other suggestion haunted her as she got dressed.
"Frodo?" Crystal looked up from the doll she was rocking in the toy cradle.
"Hmm?"
"I wish I had a little baby sister."
Frodo cocked his head curiously. "And why is that?"
"Babies are sweet. Real pink babies. Dolls can't do anything. Babies can laugh and crawl around."
"Yes, but they also cry very loudly and break things," said Frodo. "Anyway, are you sure you wouldn't like a baby brother too?"
Crystal frowned and said, "I want a baby brother or a sister."
"'I want this, I want that,'" Frodo imitated playfully. "Where will it end?" He scooped up his tiny charge and gathered her into his lap. "Even if you wanted a baby brother or sister, sweet, how would you get one?"
The tiny girl thought hard, and replied, "If you like Ma enough maybe I could get one."
He laughed, nearly blushing from the thought. "How did you get that idea?"
Crystal was grave. "Don't you like Ma?"
"Yes, I do. I like her very much." In Frodo's mind, he scoffed at himself. Like? As if that word does any justice! "Does your Ma know about what you want?"
"I haven't told her."
"Do you want me to tell her?"
Crystal nodded enthusiastically.
"Well, I'm meeting your mother tonight. I'll tell her then."
"Thank you Frodo!" Crystal threw her arms around his neck and hopped off his lap, running off to her room with her toys.
Frodo sat back heavily in his chair. I'm not sure if I can give you what you want even if I marry your Ma. My travels have weakened me so.
"You're very early home from work, Eos," said Berylla said.
"It's Celandine's day to help with laundry. Also, I'm going to meet with Frodo later, so I have to get ready."
"Huh," said Berylla, turning back to the silver she was polishing with one brow raised.
Eos fumbled with her braid and wound it into an ebony bun at the back of her head. "Polishing the bride price, hmm?" she inquired, looking over Berylla's shoulder.
"Ma told us all to polish the silver we got regularly when we married. Did you?"
"As regularly as I could. Ma would be proud of my efforts."
"When's Celandine coming?"
"Any minute now, I suppose." Eos went to the tap and rinsed her hands. She reached into her bag and produced a table cloth with a frayed edge and stuck a needle in the hem. She brought out a pincushion and put a few pins in her mouth and started pinning the hem up. The sisters worked quietly when a knock on the door came.
"Hello, Celandine," said Eos, opening the door. "Is Robin well?"
"Quite. How's your… case?"
"It's moving along. I'll get the laundry."
Eos came with the large basket of clothes. She sat down with Celandine and sorted the dark clothes from the light-colored. As they did this, the three sisters engaged in banter typical of that of the regulars at the inn.
"I heard Pansy is getting married…"
"With unemployment and whatnot still around? What a time to get married…"
"Punto Green came all the way from Dwaling to see her…"
"Oh, Eos," said Celandine suddenly, "isn't Frodo helping you with your divorce?"
"Yes, why?"
Celandine shrugged. "I just thought that it was a little strange that he would take on your case as well, seeing that you and Frodo care for each other so much."
"What's strange about that?"
"Oh, Cel, the man would do anything for her," teased Berylla.
"Be quiet!" Eos scolded mockingly. They all laughed.
"Maybe that's right. Maybe Frodo would do anything for me," said Eos musingly. "It's actually quite sweet, really."
"Eos, is it time for you to go?" asked Berylla, looking at the clock.
"Yes!" Eos folded the bloomer she was holding. She placed it in a pile and got up to put on her cloak. She patted her bun and was about to open the door when Celandine called to her again.
"Eos, I've been looking at your bloomers for the last few weeks. Have you bled yet this month?"
Eos frowned. "No…"
"That's strange. Why wouldn't you bleed an entire month?" Celandine frowned at the bloomer in her lap.
To dispel the awkward silence, Eos strode over and put her arms around her big sister. "Malnutrition, most likely. The food in Bree wasn't the most substantial, you know. I think your baby sister is getting old before her time."
Celandine gazed at her for a few moments, appeared to accept the explanation and turned back to her task. Eos kissed and embraced them both, breathing in each of their individual scents. Their smell had comforted her throughout her life.
However, Celandine's question still haunted her, despite her efforts to shake it off.
When Eos and Frodo had their intimate meetings, Frodo would enter the Green Dragon first and reserve a private parlor. Eos would wait a little while, and enter after him. This way, few would suspect their relationship.
Frodo brightened when Eos came in. He sprang up from his chair and embraced her before brushing his lips against hers. He led her to a chair, sat opposite her and held her hands.
"How is Crystal?" Eos asked as she always did.
"Splendid. You needn't ask every time, you know. She's always an angel!"
"When she reaches her teens she won't be as angelic. Mother always said that little girls became difficult at that age. I don't believe that you don't remember me." Eos brushed her nose against Frodo's and kissed him softly.
"Very spunky, but not difficult," he replied, returning the caress. "You won't believe what the girl requested today."
"What?"
Frodo leaned close to her ear. "A baby sibling."
"Oh?" Eos cocked her head at him.
Frodo decided to tell her the best part. "Yes! And you know what else she said? She told me she could get one if I liked you enough. She used the word like!"
Usually, when Frodo told her of Crystal's newest antics or progress she would break into a broad smile or throw her head back and laugh. Eos did not laugh like he'd expected her to. She leaned back in her chair and regarded him with an – amused? skeptical? – expression. Frodo could not read it. Surely this was not so dull. "Did you not think that was amusing?" he asked, laughing confusedly.
"Well, a little," replied Eos, though with an offhand tone. Still looking at him with that strange face, she said, "But you thought it very funny?"
"Well – " Frodo groped for the right words. Eos was acting very strangely. "You wouldn't think she'd tell me about these things, would you? What can I really do?"
"Perhaps she has some vague notion of what a man a woman must do to acquire a baby. If you really think about it, a man really has a part to play." Eos's brown eyes seemed to pierce him.
Frodo shrugged. "But, you see, I am too weak now. My journey did things to my body, Eos. You don't see them now, but it may show later. I went through more wear and tear than you did, hard as it is to believe…" His eyes became distant. "I've survived for days on end with no water and no food rations. And my burden… possessed me. I paid a great price for carrying it. I believe my wounds taken away my capability of having children." He held Eos's hand to his cheek. "Even if we did get married and wanted children I could not give you another child, my love."
To Frodo's relief, Eos came to herself and said, "And it is a price I would gladly pay, if only for you." She put her arms around him. "Anyway, a house with only one girl is enough. Not everyone needs a large family."
Frodo buried his face against her breast and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I'm glad you understand. One day, I'll tell you everything, Eos, everything. You must know it all. I feel terrible for holding everything away from you."
Eos stroked his silky brown curls. "You need only tell me when you are ready. I can wait for this, at least." She felt him chuckle against her chest.
He sat up to take her head in his hands. He kissed the sides of her face, and planted butterfly kisses, one by one, on her neck. He felt her purr in the back of her throat. With her hands, she urged him to come to her lips, to which he complied. They tried to control the intensity of their kiss, but their efforts proved futile. Soon, their lips and tongues were moving together in a sensuous dance. Frodo's hands moved to take hold of Eos's breasts underneath her clothing, but she pushed them away. She broke the kiss and softly reprimanded him, "I may be impatient, but I cannot always be the one with a sense of will."
Frodo looked bashful. "I'm trying," he protested, "But every time I'm with you I come so close. You complain to me of your cares and the age they inflict on you, but you know not of the beauty they give you." He held Eos's hands to his lips. "My Eos, my nightingale, my beautiful one," he murmured.
"You left out the best part," said Eos teasingly. "The part where we go together so well because you are beautiful as well. The part I first loved about you when I was a girl was your eyes. They seem too large when one first looks at them, but they are what complete you."
"I'm sorry I didn't realize what I felt for you earlier. I might have saved you ten years of abuse."
"No," replied Eos, smiling. "Somehow I sense things are best the way they turned out."
