Chapter 15: Can't Deny It, Can't Pretend

Berylla woke to the sound of profuse vomiting. At first, she tried to retreat back under the covers, but the sound was becoming louder and louder. She stiffened. Was there an intruder?

She slowly peeled the covers away and got to her feet. She left the room and closed the door softly behind her, so as not to wake her husband. Berylla followed the noise through the corridor. It was coming from Eos's room. She put one ear against her sister's door. Yes, this was the place. Also, with a jolt, she realized that it was already March 12. Berylla pushed the door open.

Sure enough, Eos was bent over a basin on her nightstand and, as Berylla had heard, was retching into it. She looked up with watery eyes as her sister entered. Both were silent.

At length Eos managed to stammer out, "Something in the food, Berylla, something didn't agree with me…" she trailed off to spew out another fit of vomit.

Berylla reached for a linen cloth on the nightstand and wiped her sister's face with it. She supported Eos on her feet. She took her face in her hands and turned it toward her. Berylla shook her head. "Eos, don't deny it anymore. You can't. You're with child."

Eos stared back at her with so much shock in her eyes they looked nearly blank. There was a long, terrible moment of silence. Then her legs collapsed like jelly under her and she let out a long, high-pitched scream. In panic, Berylla shushed her hurriedly and gathered her into her arms.

Eos pressed her face into her big sister's chest. "It's the twelfth of March, isn't it?" she asked tearfully. Berylla nodded reluctantly.

"I haven't bled for two months," Eos continued, "Ever since Frodo and I made love in my bed."

"And you've had morning sickness every morning as well," said Berylla. "Oh, Eos, I'm sorry."

"What can I do, Berylla? What will Frodo say?"

"I'm sure Frodo won't take it badly. You said that he would love you just the same, with child or no."

"Then I didn't understand." Eos clung to her sister. "Back then I had no idea of any consequences. And last month, I met with Frodo in the inn, and he told me about how Crystal had expressed a wish for a baby sibling. Crystal had told him that she believed that Frodo and I could have one if we – cared – enough for each other. He laughed like anything, Berylla! He treated what the girl said like a nice joke! And then he said it was impossible for him to make me have a baby because his journeys had affected him so. Frodo clearly doesn't want a baby, and doesn't think it is ever possible, Berylla! That's why I'm so frightened!"

"I'm sure he'll be pleasantly surprised when he finds out he can actually has the ability to have children…"

"No, trust me, Berylla, I know. And I know that if he knows about the baby, he'll treat me terribly, maybe even spurn me! Oh, I can't possibly tell him!"

"Don't be silly, Eos," Berylla coaxed. "You can't keep it a secret. How long can you hide it? I'll not let you go on alone with this."

"I'll go to one of the healers… I heard there's one who can do abortions…"

"Now, Eos," Berylla crooned to calm her. "I think you should wait a bit before deciding on an abortion. I think you've had quite enough for the morning. Go back to bed and have some more sleep. Maybe you'll reconsider how to handle this matter."

She guided the poor woman to her bed and pulled the quilts over her. She stroked her head until her little sister fell asleep, sniffing every once in a while. Berylla bent down to kiss her ebony head, and left.

Eos woke from her cocoon of blankets. In a few minutes, realization of what had happened to her and the daunting reality came down over her like a dark pall.

When Frodo had told her he was unable to have children, she had felt a mix of relief and disappointment. She had really wanted to have his baby, but this was the wrong time, if anything. She had wanted to give Frodo the gift of children, but without shocking him. How she wished she was already married to the love of her life, bearing his legitimate child, and not his bastard! And if Frodo knew that she was bearing a baby, would he leave her alone to bear the shame?

Eos shuddered with fear as she remembered Gilly Rumble. She had gotten in trouble with a hobbit-lad in the Proudfoot clan, who married someone else after she broke the news to him. She had had no choice but to leave her home and relocate to some remote part of the Shire. No one had heard of her ever since.

Eos laid face-up in bed, staring at the crack in the plastered ceiling. In her head, she made her resolve. She would go to work as usual, but close a little early. Then she would go up to the Cottons' and tell Frodo of her pregnancy. She would tell him. If it didn't work out well, she would go to her healer friend, Tanta, and ask for an abortion. Or perhaps she would keep the child, and… Oh, there was no point in considering now. Everything depended on Frodo when she met him.

Eos started to weep softly again. That would perhaps be the last time she saw him. Him, Frodo, the one man who truly loved her. Perhaps, soon to be a man who could not look at her again?

"Eos!" Rosie stepped back a little from the doorway. Eos didn't usually come to the Cottons' to meet Frodo. "This is a pleasant surprise!"

Eos held her friend's hands and looked earnestly into her eyes. "Where is Frodo, Rosie? I need to see him." At Rosie's inquiring look, she said, "This is very urgent, Rosie. I have to see him now."

Rosie was taken aback by Eos's strange manner, but led her to the humble living room. When she left her sitting on the small couch, she looked back. Her friend was sitting up straight, stiff as steel, hands clasped tightly together and eyes staring blankly before her. Rosie frowned, but simply went to fetch Frodo.

To Eos, the wait seemed like eternity. It was like waiting for her turn to be hanged. She wondered if she should simply leave and avoid running any risks. No! she thought. I'm Eos Took, and Eos Took does not run away from risks. And yet, her joints were weak and her palms sweated.

"Eos?" Frodo's beautiful and gentle voice grabbed her heart and held a death grip on it. Eos thought she would choke.

"Eos, Rosie said you wanted to see me, urgently." He sat down beside her. She stiffened and forced her mouth into a faint smile.

"Yes, uh… I did. Just… just let me collect my thoughts first." She made a wish for her palms to stop sweating.

"I'll let you do that, certainly," he said. Seeming to sense her tension, he took one of her hands and held it to his lips and kissed its knuckles. Looking up, he saw that her face was averted from him. Frodo felt as a toddler does when ignored by his mother. In an endeavor for Eos's affection, he cradled the back of her head and turned it to face him. He kissed her, the tip of his tongue tentatively touching her lips. When she did not respond, he went on to shower his affection on the side of her face, her jaw, and her throat.

"Frodo…" Eos hesitantly began.

"Hmm?" Frodo looked up at her eagerly, relieved for the attention.

"What would you do if you found out I was carrying your baby?"

"What…?"

"I mean, what would you do? Would you leave me?"

Frodo laughed. "Leave you? Do you think me a fool? Why – "

"No, be serious Frodo," said Eos firmly. "Think about it. What would you do?"

"Eos, it's not as if we're really going to have a child. Didn't you hear me last month?" Frodo had pulled back from Eos, staring at her.

"When I asked you the question, I used the word 'if'. What if I was with child? It's a simple question."

"It is not simple, Eos! You want me to imagine myself in a position that I will never be in! There will never be a child! If you are testing me, it is the wrong way to do it! Our love will never be tested with a baby. I bear too many wounds to have children." Frodo was starting to get frustrated. Was this what Eos came to talk to him about? A child that would never come?

"With your evasion of my question, are you suggesting that you would not react well to the possibility of a baby of our own?"

"Eos, can we stop talking about 'what if'? Do you – can't you just believe that I love you and leave out any doubts?"

"Just give me a straight answer and stop thinking in circles, please. What would you do if I was carrying your baby?"

"Well, are you with child right now? My child?" Frodo asked in retaliation, his voice tinged with annoyance.

He hadn't expected his returning question to strike a nerve. But clearly it had, for Eos flinched, wide-eyed. She inhaled sharply, and let out an almost hissing whisper, "Yes."

Frodo froze. The reply seemed to have wiped out his ability to think. Well, he was thinking one thing: No, no, no…

Eos's voice had become faint. "I just… I just wanted to know enough… before I told you…"

They were both saved further uneasiness by Sam, coming in from a day of planting trees. He strode right into the room rather loudly, and paused when he saw the pair of them.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I interrupt something?" he asked concernedly.

"No, Sam, don't worry," Eos said, rising abruptly. "I was just about to leave anyway." She was aware of how affected she sounded. "I apologize for my manners, but I am in a rush. Good day to both of you!"

She fled the hole, grabbing her cloak on the way out. Behind her, there were the sounds of Frodo's vain attempt to pursue her, calling to her, "Eos! Eos!"

She ran until she was out of sight of the Cottons' home. She collapsed on the sidewalk and put her head in her hands. "Iluvatar help me," she wept.

A/N: The references to abortion in this story are not meant to express political views of any sort. They are purely there for the sake of the story, I promise you.