A/N: Written as a spam!fic for Numisma's spam post on her LiveJournal. A continuation of Hairball, with a new cracktastic pairing. 'Scuse the bad!fic.

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Normality

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"You know, this probably isn't a very good idea."

"Shut up, Ayumi!" Yuka whispered fiercely. "She'll hear us!"

"Remind me again why we're sneaking into Kagome's room in the middle of the night?" Eri murmured.

"Because...because...well, dammit. There was a reason, I know there was!" Yuka smacked her fists together, frustrated. "I just don't think so well at four in the morning."

"I don't think many people do, Yuka. But wasn't there something about a cat? And a voice in our heads?"

"Maybe. That rings a bell. Let's just concentrate on getting up there. My feet are getting tired from balancing on this ledge."

"Ouch! Quit poking me! Why does she have to be on the second floor anyways?"

"I don't know. Just to frustrate us, I guess."

"Here, Eri, give me a leg up. Oof!"

With a thud, Yuka landed on her midriff across Kagome's windowsill.

"Shh!"

"Shut up!" She turned around and offered a hand to her precariously balanced friends. Within a few harrowing moments, they all stood in the middle of the tiny bedroom. Kagome, still fast asleep, murmured and turned over. Her friends froze, but relaxed as soon as they realized she wasn't waking up.

Then there was silence.

"So, um...now what?" Ayumi ventured timidly. "We're here."

"I noticed, dimwit. I can't remember."

Aha! So you came, puny mortals! I am well pleased.

All three girls muffled shrieks behind their hands as a booming voice echoed through their minds. In the true manner of high school girls, they glommed on to one another to form an impenetrable knot of girlflesh in the middle of the room.

"Who was that?"

"I don't know!"

Who am I, you ask? Why, I am the great and terrible Buyo, lord of time and space! Have you never heard of me?

"Buyo?" Eri asked faintly. "As in Kagome's cat?"

Foolish mortal woman! I am no mere cat! I am a Time God! Bow before me!

"Well, uh, sure...where are you? Kind of hard to bow to someone when you don't know where they are." Was it just their imagination, or did the silence sound rather sullen? A short, sullen silence, then.

Impudence! Right here!

Ayumi yowled as sharp claws suddenly scored her calves. "Hey! Not nice! Bad kitty!" Her leg reflexively jerked and sent the morbidly obese feline...er, rolling.

"Sorry!" she whispered immediately, feeling only a little bit guilty. Her leg hurt. And that meant that she wasn't dreaming, the conclusion she'd been holding firmly in her mind during the entire escapade.

So I'm really standing in Kagome's room with Eri and Yuka, and I'm really talking to Kagome's cat, and he's really talking back. Is it possible to go insane and not know it?

"So, um...Kagome's cat..."

Buyo!

"...whatever. What are we doing here? Why did you call us in the middle of the night?"

Harrumph. Well, if you must know, I called you for a very important reason. He began to lick himself in a place none of th girls wanted to know about.

Grimacing, Yuka crossed her arms. "Which was...?" she prompted coldly.

I am hungry.

Defeaning silence ensued for a good thirty seconds, during which Buyo continued to be engrossed by the anatomy of the area beneath his tail.

Then-- "You're...hungry? What does that have to do with us?"

My humans refuse to get out of bed and feed me, no matter what I do to them. Thus, I was forced to find outside methods.

More silence.

"But didn't you say you were like, a god or something? You're a great and powerful being but you can't even get food?"

And...silence. Buyo appeared to be considering something.

It appears that the lack of food has affected my brain. Why didn't I think of that?

"Think of what? What are you going to--"

SPROOT

It was not a very pleasant sound, and it was accompanied by great volumes of greenish, acrid mist.

"Ew!" they cried simultaneously.

This time, Kagome woke up. "What the heck...?" she muttered, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. She sat up and looked at her three terrified friends. Her brow furrowed. "This is one heck of a weird dream. Why are you guys in my room? And what's with all the smelly green stuff?"

"I apologize for that. Unfortunately I still have not devised a way to transform without it." The new voice was deep, smooth, and male.

Yuka, Eri, and Ayumi could not possibly have been more terrified without passing out. They knew that the only men in Kagome's house were Sota, who was too young to have such a sexy voice, and Grandpa, who was far too old. So who was...?

"Buyo!" Kagome shrieked. "This is your doing, isn't it!"

Buyo...?

The mist cleared to reveal a man so ridiculously and unexpectedly attractive the three unexpected visitors nearly forgot the weirdness of the entire venture.

"Oh my god," Yuka whispered dreamily. "That's what a Time God looks like? Can I have one for my birthday?"

Buyo flipped his wine-black hair over his broad shoulder and stared at them imperiously. His head nearly scraped the roof, and his pale skin seemed to glow in the murk of Kagome's bedroom. "Now you see. Bow before me!"

"Sure!" Yuka chirruped. "Can I kiss your feet, too?"

Buyo regarded her for a long moment with one eyebrow lifted aristocratically. "I like your attitude, human," he said at last.

"Buyo! Mind telling me why my friends are standing in my room in the middle of the night?" Kagome growled.

"He says he was hungry," Ayumi replied, dazed. "I guess he wanted us to feed him since you wouldn't wake up..."

"Hey, Buyo," Yuka said craftily, riding right over Ayumi. "What kind of food do you like? My family owns a restaurant not far from here. If you're willing to wait a bit for me, I can fire up the kitchens and make you whatever you like."

"Holy hell," Eri said to herself.

"Amen," Kagome echoed. She was mostly awake now, she thought, but her friends were still there and Yuka was still flirting outrageously with her cat. Whatever happened to the good old days when the most exciting thing that ever happened was someone famous coming to visit the shrine, when the well led nowhere but a pile of dirt, and the cat was just a cat?

"I would be honoured to sample your cuisine, human. Lead the way."

Beaming with a sightly neurotic light, Yuka marched down and out of the house with the tall Time God trailing after her.

"Oi, Kagome," Eri said faintly. "The hell was that?"

Out loud, Kagome said "Just another ordinary night at the Higurashi Shrine."

"Oh."

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END

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A/N: Buyo/Yuka is the shit. Yes, it is. That's right. DON'T ARGUE, DAMMIT