Savior Self
SNAP SCENE! WOO! Aboard the Ebon Hawk, Section One.
Rated PG13
Disclaimer: Yawn.
Savior Self
They spent several more days on Dantooine, mostly helping those who asked for help before they left. After Taris, Cortessa was overcome with the need to assist everyone who asked for it. She helped the Sandrals and the Matales, found Elise's droid (and destroyed it, though Canderous playfully suggested that Cortessa herself may like to keep it), told Jon of the Mandalorians, and solved various other small problems before Cortessa deemed it worthy time to leave.
The night of their departure, the entire crew gathered around the main hold. Carth remained stonily quiet in his protest against Cortessa, who seemed to be more or less ignoring him in return. Bastila stood beside Juhani and they seemed like similar statues, in identical, unwrinkled Jedi robes and backs straight, faces set with serene consideration and hands clasped politely behind them. Carth and Canderous also were very similar with their legs spread and feet planted firmly on the ground, shoulders hunched in surly weariness and brows furrowed as they studied the map Cortessa had set out before them.
"Okay," Cortessa said, pressing her finger to the map. "Korriban is a Sith planet, so that's our best bet. But we're not going there first. I don't think I've learned enough about the Force to be able to stand a Sith planet." She glanced up for a second. "Got that?"
Canderous yawned.
Cortessa rolled her eyes and jabbed another planet on the map. "We'll take Tatooine relatively soon, but not right away. We need supplies first… we're not going to Manaan –"
"Why not?" Carth asked.
She glared at him for a moment. "Never you mind," she snapped. "But we're most definitely going to Manaan last. I'd rather weather through a Sith planet before –"
Mission cocked an eyebrow. "What? Afraid of Selkath?"
Cortessa sighed and said nothing. "Alright. That leaves Kashyyyk," she said, changing the subject. "Considering that it's settled by Czerka and it's Zaalbar's home world, we'll be going here first."
Zaalbar sighed softly, but said nothing. Mission glanced at him uncertainly.
Canderous, eager for an excuse to leave the group, bolted at this news, probably to resume working on the swoop bike, which was still in terrible shape. T3-M4 followed him, softly beeping something about helping the Mandalorian. Carth shuffled for the cockpit silently; Bastila went to bed. Juhani, as always, huddled in her little corner and shut the door so that she would not disturb anyone else. Mission decided to try and help Canderous with whatever he was doing, which left Zaalbar and Cortessa alone.
Zaalbar shifted uneasily. "Cortessa?" he mumbled apprehensively.
She looked up at him and smiled. "Yes, Zaalbar?"
For a moment she thought he would comment on going to his homeworld. But he did not. Instead, he shook his mangy head and murmured, "I sense much trouble in the male."
She frowned. "Which one?"
"The one you call Carth."
She nodded thoughtfully. So she hadn't been imagining it. Carth definitely had something going on. She glanced at Zaalbar cautiously. "What do you think should be done?"
Zaalbar puffed out his chest. "I believe you may fix him. You are a great leader that hears the voices of her company."
She smiled and patted his hairy arm. "Thank you, Zaalbar," she said softly. "I've been meaning to talk to him anyway."
Zaalbar nodded courteously and left as quietly as he could, though his heavy feet made total silence impossible. Cortessa stood there a moment, considering what she would say, before she slowly made her way to the cockpit.
Carth didn't look up when she came in. Instead, he just began pushing buttons and flipping switches randomly in hopes of appearing busy.
She wasn't fooled. "Carth," she said.
He sighed and swore softly under his breath. "Yes?" he forced himself to ask.
She strode forward and stood behind him, digging her nails into the back of his chair. She didn't look at him as she said, "You've been awful cold towards your crew recently."
He determinedly kept his tone gentle and casual. "Have I? I suppose I have." His eyes flickered to her face and his expression grew hard. "I guess I just don't like being left out of the loop."
Bastila soundlessly strode by them and sat down in her place at the co-pilot's seat. Not wanting to strike up another fight with Carth in front of her, Cortessa tried to stab for humor. "You were born out of the loop."
Carth turned around to face her, slouching in his chair and folding his arms over his chest. He snarled at her without amusement. "Real cute," he griped. "If you got any cuter, you'd pass for a Gamorrean's sister."
Cortessa shrugged. "Better than a Gamorrean's mother."
Carth flinched. "Look, I'm serious," he snapped. "No one seems to want to tell me anything, and it's starting to irritate me."
Cortessa was listening. "What won't they tell you?"
He seemed eager to tell her. He sat up again. "For one thing, I want to know what the Jedi Council said to you. They pulled you in there and refused to tell me a thing about it!"
Bastila, too, had been listening. She looked up, eyes flashing. "That is none of your concern, Carth, and you would do well to leave the matter be."
Carth wrinkled his nose at her. "I respect you, Bastila, but you've been as close-mouthed as the rest of the Council. If you won't talk to me, then maybe someone else will."
Cortessa tried desperately to steer the conversation away from almost certain doom. She leaned forward and brushed Carth's bangs from his face; he slapped her hand away immediately. Still, she remained composed and said, "Poor baby. Do you need filling in?"
The expression on his face stunned her. A look of utter loathing flitted across his features and a low growl rose from his throat. She heard his teeth grinding and knew something was horribly wrong. But before she could apologize, he spoke. "Why are we leaving?" he snarled.
She blinked, deciding it best to tell the truth. "They thought it was more important that I help find the Star Maps than stay."
Bastila threw up her hands and stomped out. Neither Carth nor Cortessa noticed.
Carth sneered nastily. "And why is that? You were a great help on Taris, but why would they keep you with us? Don't they have to train you?"
She bristled, eyes flashing. "They have, you moron. What else have I been doing here for the past three months?"
He stood up. She took a step back, squaring her shoulders to try and stand up to his height, but she was still pathetically small in comparison. "I always heard that they trained Jedi longer than just three months," he hissed back in dangerously soft voice.
She let her teeth click together. "So you want to stick around for fifteen years?"
"That's not the point!" he shouted.
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" she shouted back, shoving him. He had good balance, but the sudden attack surprised him and he took a step back. He quickly caught himself and stood there, staring at her, breathing heavily. The tension made the air feel hot; Cortessa swore loudly and paced in a small circle, raking her fingers through her hair. When she was finished, she looked up at him and growled. "Now, will you let me finish?"
He nodded hesitantly.
"Good." She paused, taking a deep breath to compose herself. "They said there's a bond between Bastila and myself –"
He cut her off again, eyes wide. "A bond?" he repeated. "What kind of bond? You mean to say that they told you you were 'tied' to Bastila in some way?" His tone became bitter. "Heh. I have trouble believing that."
She felt a feral, pulsing need to rip his throat out rise in her gut and she clenched her fists.
He kept talking. He was now the one pacing. "You're a neophyte Padawan who's been saddled with the responsibility of tracking down these Star Maps. Why? That's not normal."
"I'm not a normal person," she rasped.
His eyes met hers with wry humor. "I noticed."
Before she could stop herself, she threw herself at him. He cried out, gripping her wrists before she could claw his eyes out, and she responded by kicking him in both shins in rapid succession. He hissed with pain and thrust her off of him. She hit the ground with an audible thud, but was on her feet again within moments. She nursed her wrists, glaring at him with a look in her eye that suggested a caged, wild animal.
"I'm not trying to provoke you," Carth told her. "I'm not trying to cause trouble or blame you, but give me a hand, here! There has to be a reason!"
Her sides heaving as she breathed, she said in a deep voice, "I've… been… trying… to… tell… you… dumass."
He said nothing, though his face was suddenly devoid of all emotion.
"Since you obviously won't listen, I just won't say!" she barked, suddenly raising her voice. "I already told you! Bastila and I have a bond! We have to do this together! And what I say is –"
He scowled. "And what does that mean?" he breathed angrily. "Is this more of that destiny garbage the Jedi keep talking about? Well, that can't be it!"
A strangled scream rose in her, but she was too furious to even move.
"I'll tell you this much, I am not going to wait around until I'm betrayed again!"
Cortessa wavered. "I am notgoing to betray you," she said in a soft, quivering voice. She took a deep breath and screamed, "I'm not Saul!"
Carth snarled once more. "Well, we'll see about that, now, won't we?"
She attacked him again. This time he was prepared, and ducked. He backed up as she whirled around and lunged at him, driving them both to the floor. She ripped at his face, his neck, his clothing, anything she could reach, eyes wild. Gasping, he tried to push her away, but she bit his fingers with enough fierceness to make them bleed. He writhed desperately, sure that if his larger size would be enough to dislodge her, but she stuck to him. If he tried to buck, she rose and fell with him smoothly. "WHAT DO YOU KNOW, YOU STUPID BASTARD?" she shrieked. Instead of claws, a fist drove between his eyes. The world flashed black for a moment; Carth moaned with pain. She kept screaming. "HOW WOULD YOU KNOW ANYTHING! YOU KNOW NOTHING OF PAIN! YOU KNOW NOTHING! NOTHING!"
He reached for his blaster; she knocked it from his hand and backhanded him across the jaw. He bit down and tasted blood. Then she stood, and he hoped fleetingly that she was finished. But instead she began kicking him, over and over and over as hard as she could, screeching and snarling. The wind was knocked from him and the ground no longer felt solid. He struggled for air but could not draw any breath. Her toe connected with his nose with a sickening, audible crack. Blood splattered over his face, blinding him, running into his mouth to choke him; he gagged. She's going to kill me. The thought struck him hard, and he drew himself into a ball, covering his face. She slashed at his hands a few more times, trying to see if he would break, but he remained on the defensive. He could hear her gasping for breath, spitting the blood and bile from her mouth. He remained utterly still, and finally she relented, stumbling and crashing into the wall. She braced herself on the navicomputer, clutching her side and refusing to look at him.
After a moment of stowing his pain away, Carth staggered awkwardly to his feet. He leaned against the wall, wiping the blood from his mouth and gingerly feeling for broken bones or bruises. He felt she may have broken his nose, but right now he couldn't be sure. All of him hurt.
He heard a faint rasping, shaking noise. He looked up and glanced at the consol. Perhaps something had gone wrong during their fight. But everything looked normal. Then, he realized, the sound was coming from Cortessa. He looked to her, too quickly, and winced at the pain that shot through his neck. He saw her shoulders, saw her trembling, and realized coldly that she was crying. She had just beaten him up, her, a woman, and she was crying.
Carth didn't know what to do. He stood there for a moment, trying to see clearly. But she was definitely crying – he could see the tears falling to the floor. "What's wrong?" he finally asked, stupidly, for reasons he couldn't identify. The last thing he had expected to say after having the living hell beat out of him was, "What's wrong?" He was shocked at himself.
She sank to her knees and lost her face in her hands. "You… d-dumb bastard," she groaned, her voice unusually deep.
Carth tried to take a step towards her, but his legs gave way and he fell to the ground. He just lay there, deciding it wasn't worth taxing his beaten body to try and reason with her. She hugged herself, shuddering and sobbing. Carth stared, amazed. He had never seen her cry. Never. Not once. The sight of her breaking down now chilled him to the bone.
Somehow she looked beautiful when she cried. Most women looked ugly when the waterworks turned on, but not her. Her eyes didn't turn red and puffy and her lips didn't stick out in the familiar pout. Even the blood splattered on her face didn't distract from her magnificence. There were few women in the world who could pull off what Cortessa Blatt was doing now.
Morgana, Carth thought sadly. But the very idea was stifled immediately. He couldn't think of Morgana, not with this girl crying before him, not with his body broken by the same girl. Somehow, he wasn't sure how, he dragged himself to his hands and knees and made his way over to her. It was slow and painful, and he wasn't sure why he was approaching the very woman who had beaten him senseless moments ago, but there he lay beside her, while she cried softly. She didn't look at him, and instead began furiously wiping away her tears.
Carth reached out and pressed his hand to hers. She flinched, growling low in her throat, but the tears choked the noise and she sobbed again.
"What's wrong?" he repeated, quietly, gently, as if coaxing a frenzied animal from its cage. "You can tell me."
She stared at him with wide, angry eyes. "You idiot," she breathed. "You moron. I just kicked the poodoo out of you and you want to talk about my problems? Look at you! You're covered in blood! You're broken! Your jacket…" She faded out, absently reaching out and almost tenderly fiddling with one of the straps on his jacket, tears blurring her vision. "I ruined your stupid gods-damn jacket."
He didn't know whether to laugh or scream. Stunned, he remained utterly still.
She stood again, gazing down at him with a new light in her eyes. He stared back, now aware of the dull aching in his gut. She had kicked him too hard, but there was nothing that a little of Bastila's Force healing couldn't fix. Cortessa pushed her bangs back; her thick, dark hair had fallen out of its customary braid. She ran her fingers through it to calm the ratty mess, crying with more intensity and frustration as it refused to be tamed. Finally, she just pushed it back, though it fluttered over her shoulders again. Carth's breath caught.
"Fine," she mumbled, looking miserable. "Listen up." She paused, taking a deep breath, and closed her eyes. When she had composed herself, she spoke again. "All these things have been happening… all these things, all at once. It's too much, and… I'm sorry for snapping. But these things… they're so scary. I have nightmares… I know things I shouldn't know, I can do things I've never done. That swoop bike? I've never driven so much as a land speeder before, and yet look what I managed to do. I beat the last three decade records, Carth. The three last gods-damn decade records. That's two generations I've skipped doing something I've never done. The Force came too easily. Other Padawans are trained in years, decades. I learned in three months. Less than three months. And I can control it as good as Bastila – maybe even better. I can see the faults in her techniques all on my own."
Carth said nothing. He couldn't breathe. Yet, somehow, he didn't mind, and his head seemed suddenly very clear.
She shook her head. The tears had stopped, but her lips still trembled and she looked like she was going to break at any moment. "Taris. Oh, gods, Taris. I think I still have nightmares, Carth. I wake up screaming and screaming and screaming… When we left, I barely held it together. I could feel it, Carth! I could feel the people dying! I could feel them!" She lost it again for a second, wavering and hiccupping, but then she pressed a hand to her mouth and found her breath again. "When I woke up it was just that pain… it… it was sickening. I couldn't grasp it… it… I-I know Bastila felt it, too. But it was like a million voices screaming and then suddenly going silent or… or… or going up in flames and suddenly being doused or… or falling forever and suddenly stopping. I felt like I was dying over and over again… like it would never end… like the pain would go on and on forever… Normally I like it. It gives me a thrill. But that's only when one person is dying. Imagine billions, Carth. It's…" She broke off, retching.
He closed his eyes, looking away for a moment to compose himself.
But then she pressed on, as if she needed to get this out, had to get it out. "I… I feel strange. Like I'm not myself most of the time. And different faces bring around different sensations. I feel like I've been here before. I feel like I've seen Bastila before. I feel all these things I just shouldn't." She met his gaze solidly and he froze. "I'm scared."
The mere idea of Cortessa being scared sobered him completely. He took a single breath, and could do nothing more. Slowly, he rose to his feet, though his body screamed in protest.
She watched him, eyes wide. "See?" she gasped. "See what I did? I would never do that. Never!" She stumbled backwards, tripping over herself, and fell to the ground.
Carth couldn't see Cortessa anywhere. This girl sitting before him, wide-eyed and pale-faced, was not her. This was not the horrible monster who had ripped him to shreds minutes ago. This was not the saucy, playful woman he had met on the Endar Spire. This was not the strong and cunning war hero. This was not Cortessa. This was a child, an unfamiliar child, lost to herself with no one to confide in as she stared up at him desperately with those haunting blue eyes.
He couldn't say anything. He didn't know what to say, even if he could have spoken.
She got up again, holding herself. Never had she seemed more vulnerable. "Just let me go," she muttered. "When I wake up I might be better."
Slowly, she began shuffling out. And a single word rose to his lips. "Cortessa."
She whirled around and, before he could even think, there was blackness.
------
Carth woke to a bright light and soft voices. The moment he had opened his eyes, he shut them tight again and let out a soft moan. His body still throbbed dully with pain; he didn't want to move. He felt a gentle hand on his arm, felt five claws barely pressing against his flesh. He panicked, and then remembered Juhani.
Juhani. Was she healing him? What about Bastila? And Cortessa? The thought of Cortessa frightened him more and he felt his breath quicken, hurting his sore chest. The memories rushed to him, her face, her angry face and the tears rolling down her cheeks, her sharp fingernails against his face… Where was she? He tried to sit up, but he hurt too much.
"Peace, Carth," Juhani murmured to him, like a mother soothing a child. "You are well. You were very badly beaten but I was able to arrive in time to help you."
Carth opened his eyes again, slowly, scowling against the light of the medbay. Vaguely, he could see the shapes of Canderous and Bastila near the cot, but he couldn't see them clearly. He opened his mouth, but no sound came.
Canderous spoke, sounding smug and amused. "You got your ass kicked."
Carth, somehow, found the strength to rasp, "Shut up."
Bastila sniffed at him. He pointedly ignored her. Canderous nudged her and she sighed audibly before muttering, "Carth, what happened?"
"Not yet," Juhani said immediately. "He is not ready. His nose is still healing and he is very badly bruised. Do not make him speak – it will tax him too greatly."
Carth was grateful for Juhani's tender care. Though it hurt to breathe, the pain was not as horrible as before. Whenever he moved his head fuzzy spikes shot down his spine and blinded him for a moment. He wanted to feel his head, but his arms felt too heavy. "Am… I… die…?" he managed to gasp.
"No, Carth, you are not going to die," Bastila snapped. "Don't be so –"
"Bastila, hush," Juhani said harshly. "You are not aiding his recovery at all."
"If he wouldn't pick fights with Cortessa, then –"
"Bastila," Juhani growled, her voice dangerously quiet, "I suggest you leave me to my work. He does not need your bullying and it might slow his progress."
Canderous piped up again with malicious glee. "You got your ass kicked!"
Carth fumed silently.
Juhani ushered Canderous and Bastila out and returned to Carth's side. He could feel her gentle, deft hands wandering over his body, feeling his wounds and occasionally adding some more Force healing. "You are recovering very well," she murmured. "I am amazed."
Carth took a deep breath and managed to utter another word. "Cortessa?"
Juhani's eyes flashed. "Yes," she muttered. "She is physically unharmed. But she will not tell us what happened. We are hoping that, once you recover, you will be able to share." She paused, feeling the back of his head with fingers so light they seemed but a tickle from the breeze. He could hear her clucking softly in disapproval. "You took a heavy blow to your head. Perhaps with something heavy and solid… like the hilt of a weapon or the butt of a blaster. I believe she may have knocked you unconscious. We do know she was the one who injured you." She paused again, closing her eyes. "We came into the room to see her screaming and sobbing… 'I killed him, I killed him…' and she wouldn't let us take her… she kept screaming for you."
Carth struggled for another breath. She sensed this and shushed him.
"When you are well," she told him. "Rest now."
He watched with horror as she stood to leave. "Juhani!"
She glanced back at him, a warm smile on her face. "Rest now, Carth, and when you wake we may speak."
And she was gone, leaving him alone in the dark.
------
Carth recovered within the day. His broken nose healed and the various bruises and hurts on his body were also tended to until they no longer ached when he moved. Cortessa, mortified by the amount of damage she had done, avoided him as much as possible when he was up and busy again. Whenever he strode into the room she was in, she would blush, stammer, and flee, before he could utter a single word. He was stunned by the power of her previous attack – he had only just begun to realize the gravity of everything she had said. Something was seriously wrong.
Somehow, for some unfathomable reason that he hated himself for, Carth could forgive her for what she did. If she would give him the chance, and that seemed less and less likely with each passing day. She didn't visit the cockpit at all in the week it took to get from Dantooine to Kashyyyk, and avoided the main hold whenever he was off-duty. She always waited until everyone had vanished breakfast before she ventured in to feed herself.
Carth didn't like this new Cortessa at all. It was unfamiliar and she was the most timid, heartbreaking thing he had ever seen. This was not the sassy, quick-witted woman he had joined up with, had trusted, had come to care for. And it was intolerable. But as long as he couldn't pin her down, he didn't have any choice but to let her continue being a meek little girl.
Kashyyyk appeared a small, glowing dot at first, but soon grew to become a huge, round, green orb. Bastila stared through the cockpit window, mouth agape, and Carth hurriedly grabbed the intercom. "We've reached Kashyyyk. Take landing positions – I'm going to put her down."
Hysterical roaring could be heard from the main hold. T3-M4 screamed with shock and immediately Mission's frantic jabber rang down the halls. Bastila whirled around in her chair, listening.
"What's he saying?" Carth asked sharply.
"He keeps shouting, 'I can't go, I can't go…'" she muttered, biting her lip.
Juhani sprinted into the main hold, slipping on her own feet. "Carth!" she cried. "Carth! Zaalbar, he's… he's gone wild! He can't be dissuaded! I think he might –"
Mission screamed and her pleading was raised several octaves into a shriek. Carth leapt up and raced into the main hold, where Zaalbar had drawn a blade and was holding it high, roaring loudly. Cortessa lay, sprawled, on the floor, unconscious.
Carth threw himself at the big Wookiee and began wrestling for the blade. Obviously, Zaalbar was stronger, and swung Carth around like a rag doll. Carth let go and went flying, crashing into a wall on the far end of the room. For the second time in a week, the wind was knocked from him and his vision flashed. He crumpled beside Cortessa who, for once, looked untroubled as she lay there unconscious. He didn't know whether to be angry with her or happy, but it didn't matter – Zaalbar had thrown the blade aside and was sprinting for the loading ramp.
"STOP HIM!" Juhani screeched, letting panic leak into her voice. "HE CANNOT ESCAPE LIKE THAT OR HE WILL KILL US ALL!"
Carth knew that the loading ramp was locked during flight, but the Wookiee was strong and could easily break the air seals. "Bastila!" he shouted from the floor. "Stasis!"
Bastila's eyes grew wide and she flung her arms out. Zaalbar froze; his muscles seized up and he collapsed in a trembling mass. Carth staggered to his feet, gasping for breath and staring at the enraged Wookiee with detached shock. Bastila sank to her knees, breathless, and Juhani closed her eyes for a moment to compose herself. Mission sobbed in the corner, her knees drawn to her chest, her face lost in her hands. A large bruise was swelling on one of her lekku.
Zaalbar snorted like a rabid animal, drooling slightly, his eyes rolling. He grunted protests, but Bastila held fast; her face was strained by the effort, so Juhani joined in to ease the weight. Carth knelt beside Zaalbar and gazed into his face.
"I wish I could understand what you're saying," he murmured thoughtfully.
Then Zaalbar did something that sent chills down Carth's spine. Taking several heavy, rasping, ragged breaths, he grunted out in awkward Basic, "Won't… go… home."
------
Author's Notes: I love this chapter. A lot. And I'm not just saying that. Please be thorough when telling me what you liked or didn't like about it. I love hearing constructive criticism. Yes, Wookiees can speak Basic, but it's very hard and most can't do it. Zaalbar, considering that he spent several years in the city, has probably picked up a word or two. So here we are. Yeah. We got a Carth ass-kicking, Cortessa personality-swap (again), Juhani the medic, and a crazy Zaalbar. This is going to get fun. Sickness is the god for good writing. I hope I never get well again. I TOLD YOU there would be a snap scene/Carth-bashing. Cortessa opens up a can of Jedi-fu, you dig? If it's disappointing to you, I'm sorry. I had fun.
Child-of-the-Dawn – Trust me, there'll be mush. And you'll get sick of it. XD
Lunatic Pandora1 – I've heard of Darth Carth. It makes me giggle because it rhymes.
SilverSentinal21 – I'm giving clues. That's what I love about this – you won't know they're clues until they turn up later. The baby thing was a major giveaway to the rest of the plot and you'll probably be able to guess it but you won't know until I get there. I'm sorry that I'm driving you crazy – I made this so that people could think without having to think.
FaintlyAlarming – Hm backwards is Mh.
DarthNexus9000 – There you go. I FRICKEN LOVE WRITING ZAALBAR. OH GOD.
Sorry. XD I just had to tell someone that and you just happened to be it.
Ilea Dreike – I always worry about Canderous so it's comforting to hear that I pull him off okay. Thank you. :)
Dark Lord Daishi – Here you go! Did I do good?
Dante-Raven - I always figured that Revan beat up Malak. Like a lot. Even though they were close and stuff. Because Sith are like that. You know?
Queenofinsanity – The babies are important. Don't forget them.
Amme Moto – Demonic is an awesome word. It just rolls off the tongue. DEMONIC. DEMONIC.
Queenofinsanity again – Thanks for checking up? XD
