Chapter seventeen:

It had been as startling as well as frightening; that stupid insight into her true feelings. Sleep hadn't consumed her at all and now, as Rose grasped the rail, her watery eyes watched the lights in the distance; they appeared to be still. Perhaps it was land or just another ship...but she knew then that whatever was in front of her; she would survive it. She had managed to weather the storm aboard. The ship had limped onto New York. Now, she would manage to limp onwards herself. Even without Jack by her side, Rose would find a way to return to the ways of her world. Even now, alone, just taking a sigh of relief felt weighted and standing in the harsh ice wind felt to be strangling her slowly.

That one true time, how she felt within Jack's arms; how they circled her waist and how his kiss made her every sense soar, miles above the ocean as though she was a bird taking a great flight above the waves, that was what she would hold onto. How was it that only he made her feel that way? The notion was new to her; yes, it felt the way a fairy tale romance should and even though her innocence in the ways of the world shone through, Jack was honest, reliable and trustworthy. He was handsome, caring and...loving.

Her teeth chattered as another icy wind hit her. It caused her senses to dash about and whirled her hair about her face, sending it whipping around as it came. Once it died down, it seemed to have stripped away some of the last remainders of her old self. The stress which she had carried within her chest for as long as she could remember had gone away, leaving a clear and untarnished path for her to follow into whatever life on land would hold for her.

With her engagement ring held within her trembling hands, she contemplated throwing it into the endless abyss. Just days before, she had willingly given up literally everything in order to be with Jack. Oh, how she had felt that would last forever. Suddenly, she was sobbing. It caused her to shiver. His kiss had awakened something within her. Something which she knew was the beckoning of womanhood which she had yet to experience. The type which she could only feel and explore with the man who was to be her husband.

''Dry land can only hold good for us, can it not?'' Rose asked, completely contemplating everything as the sea suddenly seemed a lot less endless. The journey was coming to a close. Land was on the horizon. Her wedding was yet another step closer. The one thing which had caused her to step away from the Titanic in the first instance. If she could, going back to that day, knowing what she knew now, she would repeat it. Without a doubt. Her eyes shone in the brisk wind.

Jack said nothing. He simply came closer to her, his boots clattering on the wooden deck and then his hand was slowly reaching up to her face. She didn't wince; didn't even waver. His slight and delicate touch caused tingles of pleasure but there was something else there; which made her eyes flicker closed. Shaking hands ran down to her shoulders as he had taken a step forward towards her. They rubbed down and upwards in gentle movements then down her arms towards her un-gloved hands. It was touching and a small effort to keep her warm. With his face even closer than it had since their kiss, Rose parted her lips to breathe in more. His eyes seemed to glow sapphire in the dim light, their sparkle stunning her as she wished to know what they would reveal.

''Yes, sea legs are only good for a while.'' Jack offered. ''It is like walking drunk after some time.''

Rose went to smile, then stopped.

''I mean, it will treat us kindly. We shall find happiness?''

The air had fallen silent once again. Another barrier had been torn down and discarded with the wind. Along with her dreams, whatever they had once felt to be. Whatever she had once dreamed to have with Jack.

''You mean you will? I hope so. Me? My fate is on the wind.''

Hope seemed to flicker within glimmering eyes and Rose found the strength to move her hand from the rail. This time, it was her who shakily placed her hand upon his cheek and felt the warmth there. The touch affected him visibly causing him to tremor just slightly to notice. Knowing sincerely buried beneath the exterior of this beautiful, freeing man, was a layer of pain which she had applied and guilt nipped at her for that but it would be nothing in comparison to the guilt of leaving behind her family when they had survived the unthinkable, was it not?

''I once told you that you could never save me. That I could only save myself.''

''Yes.''

''Well, I am saving myself. And you. Life is never easy, as you say, and you're a man so accustomed to the life of a bachelor and I am truly, perhaps the same creature of habit. Perhaps after a while, freedom would have tired me. I would have craved the safety of a home and furnishings…'' Rose's voice was laced with absolute shrapnels of the unknown. As though she was truly guessing as to what the future could have held for them both.

Jack broke their stare; watching the left hand still firmly attached to the rail where her gaudy diamond sat on the fourth finger; an eternal reminder that she belonged to another man. A man who would never deserve her. A man who seemed to have everything to offer her but in reality; he had nothing but the apparent upper hand.

''I want you to be safe. I want you to make decisions for yourself. You should have that much.''

''And what of you? Will you return home to Wisconsin?''

Jack exhaled deeply. ''I live my life from day to day; I never plan past this moment right here because this, right here, is what I will never want to let go of.''

Rose blinked her eyes; his stare returned to fix on her and she became paralysed once more and only became aware of the feel of his skin beneath her fingers and then his own fingers as they curled around her own in a way that only lovers would.

''Of me?''

''Yes.''

As her teeth wanted to chatter once more, Rose managed to gain some control over her nerves. These were the single moments which she would treasure and take forth into her marriage knowing every great detail would stay with her and endlessly, she would compare the great Caledon Hockley to the mere Jack Dawson and know who would win her affections every single time.

Did he know the great power he had over her? With a single stare she felt rooted to the spot. An ache within her started in her stomach and worked its way through her entire body. His fingers continued to caress hers ever so gently and as she breathed out, she noted the cloud of fog which surrounded them.

The pads of his fingers were rough, calloused from the years of work, of drawing and using his hands to create brilliance in various forms. Now, they were touching hers, threading through her own soft and unworked hands. It seemed to be a slow, almost seductive caress and it affected her stomach, her legs…

''Yes, your fate is on the wind.''

''Your's could be, too.'

''No-no matter what happens,'' she stammered over her hesitation and the cold; she didn't know which affected her the most. ''When the ship docks, I have cherished everything about our time together.''

Jack's eyes filled with such a surprise that Rose was sure they had grown watery as his brows raised.

''Are you going to be truly happy?''

''Yes.'' And she was. She would make sure of it.

His fingers stopped caressing hers and he took her hands within his, slowly he brought her right hand to his lips and lightly pressed them against her freezing knuckles just once. Her breathing hitched; a single kiss upon her hand caused her to tremble.

''Why am I so upset, when everyone I thought to love was safe from the disaster?'' She suddenly started, unable to breathe. ''I am a runaway, but I don't know how to return.''

''I never could. I ran at fifteen and never looked back.''

''But don't the shadows chase you.''

''No, I have none.''

''I didn't, until the sinking. I was sure of my course. Now I feel as though I am the one who is sinking.'' Her voice broke. ''Dear Lord, why is everything deeply unfair?''

The truth was, it wasn't. It was a simple decision. As Jack had once asked her, simply and to the point. It's a simple question, do you love the guy or not? Rude. Uncouth and definitely presumptuous but…he had seen right through to her.

How could she ever explain her affair? Her infatuation with this man? She couldn't, and wouldn't. The time spent with Jack was for the two of them exclusively.

''It isn't so unfair.'' Jack whispered against her fingers before lightly pressing his lips to them again, to one and then the other. ''But no matter what happens, you have to follow your heart.''

''No matter what happens,'' she repeated, with a hint of a smile. Neither knew what the statement meant. It felt as though there was an affinity between them.

The sky was black, rain drizzling endlessly. The fog had cleared as they had grown closer inland but the cold remained. The decks were a blanket of black umbrellas shielding those who stood around from the rain, no one wanted to remain indoors for this moment, as well as leaving Southampton, this was a solemn affair for many having travelled to America in order to meet loved ones who had survived the sinking. The smokestacks stood above them, vast in contrast to the many passengers crowding the decks to catch a glimpse of dry land.

Fifteen days. Those days of which Rose's life had changed in its entirety. Her own world had not sat still, and now a new life was just beyond the other side of the dock. She felt like a cat, of so many lives and soon, that number would run out. The lights of Lady Liberty seemed brighter somehow; almost a beacon to welcome those home or to the City which would no doubt become their home. She moved past them slowly, and each person stopped their actions to view her; some for the first time and some for the umpteenth but she was still a marvel to witness. Perhaps, now, it felt more poignant to see her.

''She is beautiful,'' Jack joined her in watching the Statue pass them by ever so slowly, but he marvelled more so at Rose.

''Yes, how many people she must greet and yet she still stands there so proud and tall.''

Jack couldn't help but wonder just what she was remarking on, until they were herded into a crush of people. All stood about, waiting to disembark. Several languages shouting filled her ears and the void between herself and Jack.

After the first class had disembarked, slowly the decks grew less and less littered. The media was a circus with flashing bulbs in the distance which looked like lightning. Foreign steerage passengers were led to a holding area in order to be processed, to understand any language barriers and to determine what their next moves would be. Whilst others were led to their hometown, to their private trains and to waiting carriages, to luxurious hotels and houses; Jack and Rose were shoved into a crowd of hundreds, pushed and pulled around as if they were like ants in a swarm of people. Somehow, throughout the circle of disembarking, they had managed to stay close by to the other, surprisingly. She thought back to that day at Southampton; just over seven days ago. Did she regret that decision of coming aboard?

''I cannot even thank you enough for your help and assistance these past few days,'' her tone went clipped and almost formal, as though dismissing an employee.

''Right.''

Rose's stomach sank. Her eyes found anything to look at and focus on so that the pain wasn't so bad.

''Jack...I...'' She had so much to say but yet she didn't know how to express herself. How could she even begin to tell him how much he had changed her life, how he had made her the happiest that she had ever been and then the hurt had started. The ache. That had shaped her. Jack Dawson had shaped her entire life in two short weeks.

Darting his tongue out, to wet his lips, she detected his nerves. ''Rose, this was never about me and you. This was about you. I wanted all of this for you. I know how much you wanted to see the world and I wanted to be the one who was by your side as you experienced everything which life had to offer.'' He pointed to the pouring sky. ''Even in the rain, in the clouds, in everything; life is unfair. What happened to the Titanic was tragic and if we had been aboard, I don't know if we would have lived. But we have to make the most of what life does give us. Opportunities don't happen everyday. Sometimes, you gotta make them happen. You have to weather a storm, to see the sun afterwards. Feel the cold, to appreciate the warmth. Lose someone that you care about to realise how much you loved them.''

As Jack's eyes filled with what looked to be a watery line, he blinked and it was gone.

''Jack, I know. You have...'' She placed her trembling hands over her face and concentrated on breathing. ''You are truly a-'' A what? A wonderful man? There were no words which could currently describe just what she had felt for him. Perhaps it was unclear to her at that moment. ''You see the world so beautifully.''

''You have to make life count, because tomorrow, you or I may not even be here.'' On a sharp intake of breath, he continued. ''I just want you to be free, Rose. To be the woman that you want to be.'' He came closer to her. This time she didn't flinch. His eyes were shades lighter than she remembered as tears shone in them. ''If you really want to settle down, to marry and have a family, then go on ahead and I wish you the happiness that you deserve.''

Rose's stomach ached from been torn in so many different directions. ''It isn't about-'' She wished to say that she didn't want to settle down. To marry a man that she didn't love but it was the guilt. The guilt of leaving. Of her mother having to suffer otherwise. Her mother, she found, had been a selfish woman for most of her life, but Rose had found herself to be the opposite and with the weight thrust upon her shoulders for so long, she would tremble beneath the weight as she tried very hard to not crack.

''I want that, too.'' She managed to speak, ignoring the tormented pain within her stomach. ''I wish to just be a wife.''

Rose squeezed her eyes closed. Jack could hear her heart break into a thousand pieces. He reached to take her right hand in his left he placed it to his mouth and grazed his lips against her knuckles.

''Rose, I know what you think that you need to do. If it's the right thing, then I am so happy for you. If not, don't be afraid to run again.''

Rose laughed, ''I cannot be a runaway all of my life. I cannot live my life running from the things which I fear.''

''I never said to run away for the rest of your life. I simply mean you have to leave behind what makes you miserable, right?'' Rose opened her eyes to find he had shed a tear, a single one which streamed down his cheek. ''You were the only thing I have cared about since my parent's death. You had given me a reason to have hope and a damn good reason to live. I ran away from that place because it was dark and then I found light. Before I met you I had very little existence and then you came to me, you lit everything up...''

Rose placed her hand to her lips, stifling another heart-breaking sob. His honesty was beautiful, her heart in a million pieces and her head was telling her to walk the other way and yet she was still glued to the spot. He had hurt her. She knew that. She had hurt him. He knew that.

Pain. Love. it had started with nothing more than a single glance. A stolen kiss in Southampton. Oh, how she wished to hold out her hand to offer it to him. To thank him for showing her how to live. How to saviour life. How to feel cherished. How to feel attractive, beautiful and desired, even for the slightest and shortest of times.

Jack bent down to grab his portfolio which he had buried beneath his luggage to stop the pages flying about. He stuffed it into his rucksack not caring what condition it was in. He grabbed his rucksack and ragged it onto his back. She watched him intently with blurred vision. This was goodbye.

Through the masses of crowds and as she suddenly realised that they had slowly filtered through towards the streets of New York; to dry land, Rose saw the unmistakable markings of the Hockley carriage, sat waiting for her.

''Good luck to you, Rose.''

''And to you,'' in a brief but intimate second, she pulled him into an embrace so tight that it almost halted both of their breathing. As she rested her head next to his ear, she almost wished to whisper those three stupid words which had been on her mind since last night, but she didn't.

And then, she disappeared into the crowds.