Disclaimer: Characters and concepts from "Tenchi Muyo!" are Copyright AIC, Pioneer LDC, and Funimation. This work is a parody and not to be used for any commercial purposes.
Foreword: I have included Japanese phrases in italics, with the translation in parentheses immediately after. (For me, footnotes break up the flow of dialogue.) This story supposedly takes place before the changes of OVA Season III. (Many of which I disapprove of.)
Showing Restraint, Part II: Duel at Lab Gulch
It took considerable time to finish the purification ceremony to Katsuhito's satisfaction and put everything away. So, it was not until later in the day that Ryoko was ready for the second person on her "accounts to be settled" list. She knocked on the door of the broom closet under the stairs, and was rewarded with the tone that meant the sub-space entrance was active.
When she went through the door, however, the scene was entirely different from Washu's usual work area. She found herself stepping onto the street of what looked like a Wild West ghost town. A saloon door swung shut behind her, and a tumbleweed rolled by a few yards away. It wasn't too hard to guess that Washu was expecting the confrontation. Damn that link, Ryoko thought for the eight hundred and twenty-third time. But it would take a good deal more than that to stop her. Looking up and down the street, Ryoko spotted a short figure leaning against a rail. A shock of red hair came from under the ten-gallon hat.
Ryoko summoned energy into her palm. Tossing the glowing sphere up and down like a coin, she walked towards the pint-sized scientist. As she approached, she noticed that Washu was whittling what looked like a piece of wood from a Juraian Royal tree with a small energy-blade.
"I hear you been lookin' for me." Washu drawled.
"Darn right I have--" Ryoko began.
"You're supposed to say 'yup', Ryoko!" Washu interrupted. "Honestly, kids these days. They just don't know how to behave."
"These days? I've been around since long before there was a Wild West, let alone unrealistic movies. . ." Ryoko shook her head to get herself back on track. "Never mind that! What was the idea of teaming up with Ayeka to pull that outrageous stunt on me?"
"So you figured out that I had to be involved?" Washu's smirk did nothing to improve Ryoko's temper.
"Who else could have arranged for the gap in my memory, and moved me into Nobuyuki's bed after he'd left?"
"Actually, Ayeka took care of moving you. She's pretty good at manipulating objects with those logs of hers. You could learn from her about a more delicate touch."
"That still doesn't explain why!" Ryoko snapped. "What did I do to you?"
"Think about it, Ryoko!" Suddenly Washu's temper flared even higher than Ryoko's. She turned to face Ryoko squarely, and the ex-space-pirate noticed that the gun in Washu's holster was a potent-looking blaster with a barrel big enough for Ryo-Ohki to have put her head in. Ryoko's energy shper faded. "Those were MY confidential files you helped yourself to. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was telling people that their personal information might not be so personal anymore? Tenchi was going to refuse to be in any more experiments!" Washu's tone sounded as if Christmas was going to be permanently cancelled. "I have to let him keep his clothes on until I can develop a hack-proof system. And Ayeka! Do you know how long I tried to get her to tell me about sex practices on Jurai? Because of you I had to listen to a twenty-minute 'see-I-told-you-so' speech!"
"Now that's your own fault for wasting your time in the first place," Ryoko laughed. "Like Princess Prude could tell you or anyone anything useful about sex."
"You walking fountain of ignorance!" Washu nearly exploded. "Ayeka would have been a gold mine! She was a champion in erotic techniques on Jurai!"
"That's ridiculous!" Ryoko sneered. "Has Mihoshi been dropping things on your head again? How would Ayeka know anything about what to do with a bed besides ironing the sheets?"
"Lady Funaho told us about it, while you were trying to skedaddle from Lady Misaki." Washu turned sarcastic as well.
"And you believed a story like that?" Ryoko pretended concern. "Did you get between Ryo-Ohki and a carrot?"
"It makes a lot of sense, for people who bother to think about it." Washu glared, then continued in a lecturing tone. "Juraian medical technology may not be up to my level, but it's still pretty advanced. Unintended pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases were wiped out some time ago. Obviously they're not going to have the same attitudes and restrictions that this world does. Juraian women, and princesses especially, are rumored to have remarkable sexual abilities. It's what helps the Juraian Empire make alliances by marriage."
"Well obviously, Ayeka is the exception to the rule." Ryoko was unimpressed. "I've lived with her even longer than you have. She's no competition for me."
"Oh yes she is! Didn't I tell you on board the Souja that your erotic warfare abilities were affected?" Washu's voice practically dripped acid. "It may surprise you to learn that some people don't feel the need to brag about their abilities."
"Preposterous! There's no way Her Royal Inhibitedness is sexier than me!" Ryoko declared. "I know what it is: you're feverish. Oh, I've told you to stay away from Ayeka's cooking . . ."
"No way? At this point, Ayeka would mop the floor with you! Not that you've had much experience lately in mopping floors either." Washu added pointedly.
"Yeah? Prove it!"
"You know I can't!" Washu snapped.
"Because it's not true." Ryoko folded her arms.
"No, lamebrain! Because Ayeka would never agree to participate."
"Hah! When before has that ever stopped you?" Ryoko shot back.
"Hmm." Washu immediately calmed down. "Good point."
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There are a number of advantages to having the greatest scientific genius in the universe living in the house. Major damage to walls, GP cruisers, and family members can be repaired quickly and with hardly a trace. Amazing gadgets can be borrowed or even given as gifts for special occasions. But there are also a number of disadvantages, the greatest being the occasional kidnapping for scientific experiments.
Ayeka realized that her turn had come a few moments too late. She had gone to the broom closet to get a smock for her chores for the day, and instead of work clothes and brooms, she found herself ambushed by a swarm of metal tentacles. Since she had to uphold the dignity of a Juraian princess, she didn't struggle. Once the greatest scientific genius in the universe had her clamps on you, you could only escape by phenomenal luck or divine intervention, and Ayeka was neither Mihoshi nor Sasami. (Besides, even if she had escaped, it was still her day to clean the toilet.)
But when the tentacles had brought her to the heart of Washu's lab, the scene that greeted her was out of one of her nightmares. Off to one side was Ryoko, similarly in the grip of Washu's devices and protesting noisily about it. And at a large control panel was Washu, dressed in her "Angel of Mercy" nurse's outfit. That, as the entire Masaki household had learned, was a very good thing if you were seriously injured, but a bad thing in every other circumstance.
"Washu--you're not going to switch our brains, are you?" Ayeka tried to keep the note of panic out of her voice.
"No, no." Washu said. "Trust me, after the hundred and forty-seventh brain swap, the thrill is gone. Besides, I like Ryoko's brain exactly where it is. I put it there."
Ayeka straightened herself as best she could. "Then perhaps you would explain the meaning behind this outrageous assault?"
"Certainly." Washu grinned like the Cheshire Cat. "When Lady Funaho was here, she mentioned your accomplishments at Juraian erotic techniques--"
"What!" Ayeka lost her composure again. "She . . . well, she must have been making up a story to have a little fun with you."
"See! I knew that was it!" Ryoko looked as triumphant as she could while suspended in mid-air by tentacles. "Now if you'll just release these damn things . . ."
Washu kept her attention on Ayeka. "By the way, she mentioned that your record time for changing into a latex body-suit stood for over a century."
"A century?" For just a moment, an expression of delight crossed Ayeka's face, then vanished. "I mean, I'm sure I don't know what she was talking about!"
"Anyway," Washu continued, "Ryoko is having a hard time believing it. So I thought I would set up a side-by-side comparison test."
"And why do I have to be secured like this?" Ryoko continued her complaints. "Ayeka's the one who would run! She knows she's going to lose."
"Lose?" Ayeka's expression would have re-defined the phrase 'mixed emotions'.
"The conditions have to be identical for each test subject." Washu lectured Ryoko. "Anyway, you'll scarcely notice once I begin the virtual reality program. Lady Funaho was very helpful; she allowed me to get a copy of the program for last year's Trans-Jurai championship." Washu shook her head. "It's an excellent piece of work. I think it's just shameful that it's only worth twenty-five percent of the total score."
"The virtual reality round?" Ayeka hesitated a moment, then made up her mind. "Very well. Let the record show that I agree to participate under duress. You may release us."
"Yeah--get these things off!" Ryoko chimed in.
"Oh, but it's so much more fun this way." Washu said. The tentacles stayed right where they were. Two helmets with dark face shields lowered over the heads of the two girls, cutting off their protests. Washu leaned over the control panel, working dials and buttons. Smiling, she began to hum.
"Pardon
me Miss,
But
I've never done this,
With
a real…live…girl…"
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A little while later, the broom closet door swung open again, and the two who observed it saw Ryoko literally emerge under a cloud. There was a large puff of smoke indicating that the fire suppression system had been activated again. Ryoko also had patches of soot in her clothes and her hair. But this did not fully explain why her ears drooped, her eyes were downcast, and her steps slow and automatic. Behind her came Ayeka. The princess was also soot-stained and disheveled. But her expression was one of serene happiness. Her eyes seemed to shine, and her smile would have made the Mona Lisa jealous. It was all the more striking because she was being yelled at by the third person.
". . . and two N'deni relays! It's not like I can just go to the corner store to get replacements in this part of the galaxy!" Washu's voice came from right behind the princess. "Dammit, Ayeka, you could have told me to adjust the potential levels!"
"No, Lady Washu, I really could not." Ayeka replied politely but without a hint of apology.
Washu came out of the doorway, intent on continuing her tirade. "And just why is tha--" The redheaded genius stopped as a pair of shadows fell across her from either side. Given the huge volume of information stored in her brain, it was not surprising that she occasionally suffered from "absent-minded professor" syndrome. It wasn't that she forgot things entirely, but sometimes even major points were pushed to the back of her attention while concentrating on a task. But now she was instantly reminded of the reason, or rather two reasons, why she preferred to use Tenchi or Ryoko for her experiments rather than Ayeka.
"You have molested our princess!" stated Azaka.
"We cannot overlook such effrontery!" declared Kamidake.
"Shimatta! (I blew it!)" said Washu. Being a genius, she had originally developed a plan for avoiding retaliation from Ayeka's two guardians. Unfortunately, a key part of that plan involved being on the other side of her lab door.
Ayeka seemingly paid no attention to what was happening behind her. Even when there came a series of loud thuds sounding much like two large logs repeatedly pile-driving into a smaller and softer object, she continued her unhurried pace, and did not turn around. She went up the stairs with a light step, and walked into the room she shared with Sasami. Her sister was not there. Ayeka closed the door, and latched it. Quietly but efficiently she drew the curtains over the windows, then checked the corners of the room and the closet to make sure there were no observers.
And then the First Princess of Jurai pumped her fist in the air, and shouted, "Still got it!"
Author's note: In OVA episode 11, "The Advent of the Goddess", Washu elicits a moan from Ayeka with a single touch, and comments that her response is "worthy of a Princess of Jurai" (sub-titled version). I have developed a little on that idea for this chapter.
