Disclaimer: I do not own Edmund or Susan or Lucy or Peter or Beaver or Mrs. Beaver or even the guard in Kristy's prison. Nothing from the book/movie, I own. Own the Yoda Speak, also I do not. But I still pwn. Even though I still don't know how to pronounce 'pwn'. I don't own leet either. But I own my ice cream and that's all that matters.
Problems, I have.
Right. Here I am, writing my story with just my left hand 'cause my right arm is in a cast, and I haven't even finished the stupid social studies project. God I'm gonna fail miserably in the real world.
In this episode... chapter... thingy, there will be lots of fire, stupid things being said, and me being an obsessive stalker. Enjoy!
CHAPTER FOUR - PYROMANIACAL ACTS
The bunch of kids came into the beaver's pile of wood only to find more random strangers who looked oddly like movie stars.
"I'd like you to meet Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy. They're some more random people who have come to stay in our home," said Mrs. Beaver. Molly's eye started to twitch.
"Ed- Edmund...?" she said. Everyone took a step back. Molly ran to where he was sitting and for once in her life acted how the rest of the female teenage population of North America would around a movie star.
"OMIGOD OMIGOD IT'S YOU! YOU'RE, LIKE, SKANDER KEYNES! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A NAME IS THAT? WHY DO I CARE? YOU'RE FAMOUS!"
Well, not exactly.
Suddenly, Molly's cousin Kendra appeared in the beaver hut.
"Molly, just what do you think you're doing? Edmund is mine. I claim him."
"What are you gonna do, mark your territory?"
Edmund went a bit pale.
"Well you get Mike Teavee. Edmund is mine."
"No way! Mike Teavee is like 12 years old! Edmund is mine."
"Why don't you go marry Harry Potter or something!"
"I can't... He got a restraining order..." Molly looked away sheepishly. "But that was in grade four. I'm so past Harry Potter. Why don't you go marry Frodo?"
"I never even liked him!"
By now everyone else but Molly and Kendra had gone and started dinner, and James was sitting in the corner crying.
"Wow, this is so gay. You can have him," Molly said.
"Really?"
"No." Molly took out a remote control and pressed the power button. Kendra died. Molly shoved the corpse under a rug and went to join the people at the supper table, forcing Lucy out of her chair so she could sit by Edmund.
"Ahem. Now that we have everyone's attention, it's time we got to the main point," Beaver said.
"Which would be...?" Melodie said.
"That because of some prophecy you all have to go fight in Aslan's war to defeat the White Witch," Mrs. Beaver supplied.
"Who's Aslan?" Peter asked.
"Who cares?" Erin said.
"Him, obviously," Brenna said, rolling her eyes.
"Aslan is a talking lion, and the true ruler of Narnia, not the White Witch, and he's is waiting at the Stone Table with your army," Beaver said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Is the Stone Table a pub?" Janel asked.
"Nope. Any other questions?"
Silence.
"Then let's eat!" Mrs. Beaver set a plate of wood chips and splinters in front of everyone. They all dumped it all on the floor, conveniently being made of pieces of wood anyway, so their "meal" would be unnoticed.
Edmund tried to get up and leave for his own reasons, but Molly held up her knife and muttered under her breath, "Not on your life." Edmund stayed put.
Tall Devon, however, did make it out of the beaver dam unnoticed, and went off to the White Witch's palace.
We skip the walking part and cut right to when Tall Devon gets in to see Kristy.
"Heyy, Kristy!" Tall Devon said upon entering her throne room.
"I told you, I'm not Kristy! I'm the White Witch," Kristy said in annoyance.
"Oh, right. Whatever. Can I have my reward now?"
"No. You're incompetent not to have brought them here."
"They're at the little beaver dam," Tall Devon said with finality. Meaning he was tired of talking. Meaning... something.
"Fiiine. Wolf police guys, go kill 'em."
"Can I at least have something to eat?"
"J. J., put him in the dungeon," Kristy said, pointing to a random door.
"We don't have a dungeon," J. J. said in exasperation.
"Well, send him somewhere!"
The props guys built a prison for Tall Devon. Also, since Short Devon killed Mr. Dumbness, we threw James in the other cell.
So Tall Devon sat bored in his cell while everyone else was still back at the dam...
"Hey, you guys, where's Tall Devon?" Hilary said suddenly.
"He went to see Kristy, obviously," said Govind.
"Then we've got to leave right now!" Beaver said urgently. "Let's go!"
Everyone scrambled through a trap door in the floor to an underground tunnel, but not before Molly set the dam on fire, giggling insanely. She pocketed her lighter and they all ran through the tunnel until they came out into the sunlight to see...
A purple-spotted flying hippopotamus!
No, not really. But wouldn't that be cool?
There was a fox there. Wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey.
"BURN IT. BURN THAT JERSEY." Erin advanced toward the fox with Molly's lighter. The rest of the group watched as Erin chased and finally burnt the fox to a crisp.
"Erin! What if that was a good guy?" Brad said.
"A good guy wouldn't be wearing a Leafs jersey," Erin said stubbornly.
"Can we just get going?" Mrs. Beaver said worriedly. Everyone sighed and followed. They were tired of walking.
Meanwhile, at the Witch's palace, Tall Devon was still sitting in the prison. Eventually Kristy came in.
"My police tore that dam apart... or tried to, since there were only ashes left... and could not find your little friends anywhere. I have no further use for you."
"Oh really?" Tall Devon winked.
"Really." She raised her wand and was about to turn him to stone when Tall Devon put a hand up to stop her.
"Wait... they said something about Aslan."
"ASLAN? IN NARNIA?"
"Apparently."
Just because I am lazy and have no idea how to switch events in this situation, Kristy had a sudden mood swing.
"Oh, Jamesy Wamesy Bear! I love you so!" She turned to the guard. "Guard, release him!"
The guard swung his club to break the chains around James' ankles, but "accidentally" hit him on the head, crushing his skull and painfully killing him.
"You killed James!" Kristy gasped.
"Bastard," Tall Devon finished.
"Oh well. Just get my sleigh ready, we're going to find those kids!" Kristy instructed. Soon they were off, going after our band geek heros and fictional characters.
And now, just before we cut off this chapter, we have an important message from Janel.
"DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN COCKROACHES! DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN CRAYONS CRAYONS CRAYONS CRAYONS! READ MY THEIF LORD STORY! MY PARTY WILL KICK ASS!"
Good job. Bye till next time!
Yup. This one is really not as good as the first few because I had to get this part of the story out of the way... it's like the hard part of the story. Anyways, now I'll be doing my social studies project all weekend. Yaaay.
In case anyone was wondering, I don't hate my cousin Kendra. In fact she's my favourite cousin. I just don't mind killing her.
