A/N: Hi! Well I don't really have much to say... except enjoy (and I don't own a single thing)! Sk8er92, you're the only who left comments at the end of chapter 3, so I can't thank you enough for sticking with the story...

CHAPTER 4
Do not even mention him...

Once inside his Dormitory, Harry started stuffing his schoolbooks inside his bag for the day.

They were to start with an hour of Herbology, followed by double Potions and Transfiguration─ that wasn't, in truth, a very enjoyable perspective─ but though he chose his books with care, his thoughts elsewhere.

Why had Lupin shown up? Why, why, why did he always think he could sort out things just because he was a teacher? He had no right. No right to tell Harry what to do; no right to lecture him.

And no right to pretend he could replace his godfather.

Harry hated Remus, that was all. He hated him because he was still alive and Sirius wasn't. He hated him because he had held him back in the Department of Mysteries. He hated him because Lupin had asked that simple question: Are you all right?

That would have been the question Sirius would have asked, Harry knew it. His first thoughts would have been for Harry. He wouldn't have cared about anything else in the world; not even if he himself had been hurt.

Now he, Harry, hated Lupin for acting the way Sirius would have done. Because every time he would set his eyes on him, every time Lupin would open his mouth; every time Harry would feel his presence at his side, Harry's very skin would feel Sirius's absence.

You should have been the one to die, Harry thought.

You don't truly mean that, do you, Harry? You can't wish someone's death like that, that's not healthy.

Not healthy? You know that's funny you talk of my health here. It has nothing to do with the rest of it─

But Remus is suffering, too, and you know it.

Suffering? Yeah right. He can't suffer as much as I do…

He knew that was selfish to think. But he didn't care.

Sighting, he got up and walked slowly, to the small bathroom next to their Dormitory. Ron was in there, brushing his teeth; Neville was nowhere to be seen, and Harry knew Dean and Seamus were in the Common Room because he had seen them there before climbing up.

"You know what?" Ron stared at him for a while. He knew Harry's thought were dark lately. "You're lucky Lupin docked points from Malfoy this morning, even thought you were the one who─"

Harry let out a roar of anger.

"I mean─" Ron blenched, almost afraid. He took a step back when he saw Harry so red with fury.

"LUPIN HAD NO RIGHT TO SHOW UP LIKE THIS!"

"But─"

"WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS ON HIS SIDE!" Harry shouted again before finally noticing Ron's expression. His friend seemed scared so Harry forced himself to calm down.

"You ok?" Ron muttered after a few seconds of silence.

"Yeah" Harry said in a mumble. "It's just─" he shrugged.

Why can't I even bear hearing Lupin's name? What's wrong with me? He's not even here!

"Ihave to find my books" Ron said and he walked back into the Dormitory, though not without eying Harry closely on his way out, as if his friend was not totally in his right mind.

Harry took a deep breath and leaned against the wall.

Why I am so on edge? he thought.

Yet there was no need to ask; he already knew the answer. He just had to admit it.

There was a voice in the back of his head that wouldn't stop. And that voice was saying Lupin. Lupin.

Now it grew louder. LUPIN. That was the only cause of his edginess lately.

Rageously, he kicked the goblet in front of him and sent his toothbrush flying in the air. He caught it before it hit the floor and closed his fists.

When he turned from the bathroom he was more relaxed. He needed to control himself. There was a whole day of lessons waiting…

But then something caught his eyes.

Dean had entered the Dormitory and was standing there, talking to Ron, who appeared to have been stuffing his books inside his schoolbag.

Harry reached his four poster-bed without really thinking, but then he realized there was something wrong in the way Ron's hand had stopped midway in getting his thick Divination book out of his bag, or in the fact that Dean seemed very hesitant to talk; for an unknown reason he felt uncomfortable.

"Anything wrong?" Harry asked Ron, seeing his friend immobile.

"Dean wanted to tell me something" Ron said, finally reacting. He shrugged, and laid the book he had been holding on his bed.

"It's Professor Lupin," mumbled Dean .

Harry jumped. "What does he want?" he said aggressively, ignoring Ron's reproachful glance.

That's right, Ron. I don't care about what you think. You can play friends with Lupin, you can have fun with him and talk to him, or do whatever you want.

But me? I'm not talking to him again.

He killed Sirius. And you should know that.

"What does Professor Lupin want?" Ron asked with forced calm.

Harry wished Ron would stop saying the name 'Lupin'. It was the same thing as when Harry uttered the name of Voldemort; the reactions were immediate: a convulsive gesture of the hand and a wince.

Now it felt like a horrible pain was tearing his body apart, and he wanted to scream out the anger, scream out the frustration and the pain, scream out the memories.

If only someone could delete everything he had in mind…

That was what Ron didn't understand. Nor did Hermione, or Dumbledore, or anyone else. Again, what did they know about it all? What did they, all of them, knew about his feelings? None of them had been there that day in the Department of Mysteries, none of them had been there to see what had happened, none of them had had to watch Sirius fall… so slowly… as though he would be back in an instant…

Nobody had been there that counted but Lupin.

And Lupin had held him back.

Dean opened his mouth and the words hit Harry's ears abruptly. "He wants to see you, Ron─ but I don't know why."

"Who told you that?" Harry asked before he could stop himself. Thinking that Lupin had talked to Dean about Ron─ thus probably about himself─ was barely bearable.

"Well I know because─ because he's waiting for you down there." Dean pointed at the staircase.

"In the Common Room?" Ron said, clearly unconvinced. Dean simply nodded mutely, so Ron got up and went to the stairs.

Harry made a derisive sound and shrugged.

Lupin's waiting down there? Yeah right…

Perhaps he believes his presence is necessary…

Oh yeah? In the Gryffindor Common Room, right now? Before eight in the morning? You think he couldn't wait until this afternoon in class?

His curiosity taking the better of him, Harry followed Ron downstairs.

But it wasn't just simple curiosity─ no, just wanting to know what Lupin wanted wouldn't have been enough to make him go down the stairs to face Remus.

There was something else he needed to do. Something crucial because he knew there was no way he'd be able to keep on meeting Lupin in the corridors like this.

Getting down there would be a good occasion to tell Lupin, once and for all, that he wanted to be left alone.