Hoenheim of Light Saves the World with Giant Robots Piloted by his Sons
Chapter 2: Slothvs the Love Triangles
Jon58840: Yes, you are correct, Evangelions are not robots, but artificial organic life-forms with armor. My only excuse for this horrible oversight is that these are off-brand, generic "Eva" units that Hoenheim pulled out of the Gate on accident one day while trying to make a smoothie. (Not actually what happened, but that'll come up in a later chapter). Seele is in the middle of filing a lawsuit over the copyrights. I apologize for the error.
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"No fucking way." Envy declared, staring in awe at the four-story mechanical monsters that they were supposed to climb in and fight shit with. "There is no fucking way. You can't just suddenly decide you want us because you need someone to pilot these "Evas" of yours. I mean, you haven't spoken to either of us in years!"
Hoenheim smiled bashfully. "Sorry, son. I just forgot about you."
"FORGOT? We're your CHILDREN!"
The Commander shrugged, not seeming to understand that Envy was upset, or if he did understand, not seeming to understand why he was upset. "You know how it is."
"No. I don't know how it is! Explain it to me!"
"Why are there three?" Ed asked quietly. The other two stopped arguing.
"What do you mean?" Hoenheim asked.
"There are three of those... Evas, but only two of us. Is the third a back-up?"
"Of course not, silly child," his father laughed, patting his head patronizingly. "I've already run Sloth through the basics. Now, let's get you two into your jumpsuits."
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"...Envy?" asked an unusually timid little voice over Envy's radio system.
"Yeah, Edo?"
"I'm scared."
"You should be. We're wearing hideous jumpsuits and trapped in gigantic mobile metal things designed by our father and Riza and controlled by Winry."
Ed shuddered and looked around at his surroundings. His eyes fixed on a message scratched into the paint of the cockpit. "Mine says 'Trish waz here' on it."
"Weird," Envy concurred.
"All right!" chirped Winry, a web-cam video of her and the others in the command room popping up on the two boys' screens. "Let's get these puppies started!"
Lights lit up in the cockpits, metal sheets creaked together, and the Evas groaned into action as Ed tried to unfasten his seatbelt and Envy braced his limbs against the walls. "Let's not and say we did!" the Sin pleaded.
Winry flicked a switch, cutting the power. "Fine by me," she shrugged.
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Sloth sat uncomfortably in Hoenheim's office, watching the various transmutation circles painted about the floor and ceiling. One minute she had been minding her own business, the next, she had been kidnaped by a helicopter, and now she was trapped in Central 3, trying to make the best of things.
"You have really nice eyes," Hoenheim told her spacily.
"Um, thank you?" Sloth fidgeted, trying to shake his arm off her shoulders.
"Hey, you wanna see my Eva unit?"
"I beg your pardon?"
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"So, Lust says to him, get this, she says, "sorry, but my chiropractor wouldn't like it"," Envy finished as Winry and Ed chuckled.
"Look alive, people," Riza warned, "the Commander's here!"
A few minutes later, another panel lit up on the boys' screens, showing Sloth in a gaudy jumpsuit similar to their own.
"Thank God this is what he meant," she sighed.
"Sync rate at 75 percent!" yelled Hoho. "Release Unit 00!"
"What is he talking about?" Ross asked. Havoc shrugged.
"Fuyutsuki!" Hoho shouted, addressing the dark-haired man who had left with Winry earlier, and had since returned to his traditional post directly behind Hoenheim. "Fetch me my slippers!"
"My name is Roy Mustang, sir, not Fuyutsuki," the man corrected him, only to be ignored.
Kimblee, grinning like the maniac he was, hit the button to release Sloth into the testing room, an area designed for, well, testing the Evas. Things are gonna go 'splody! he thought.
The giant humanoid machine lurched into the room, and caught sight of Hoenheim in the observation window (which was a one-way mirror, but, due to a construction error, had been installed the wrong way, so the command room had a big, useless mirror), and tried to get at him, punching at the glass in a futile attempt to shatter it.
"It's out of control!" yelled Havoc.
"Sloth! Speak to me, girl!" Winry shouted at the microphone, trying to communicate.
"Unit 00 has broken contact!" announced Riza, tapping frantically at her keyboard.
"SLOTHY!" yelled Hoenheim, obviously worried for her. "I'm going down there!"
"Sir, it's dangerous, ah, who cares," sighed Roy. It was clear that he was only here on orders, and not at all happy with his latest assignment.
"Um, hey, what's going on?" pipped the voices of Ed and Envy, who were still stuck in their 'bots and isolated from the action. "Is our father risking his life to save a woman with no ties to him, when he wouldn't lift a finger to save us, his own kids?" they asked, laughing. When no one responded, they realized they had spoken the truth, "Unbelievable," muttered Ed.
"Eject the pilot!" Riza commanded, and a giant test tube containing Sloth shot out of the Eva, landing next to Hoenheim, who gallantly ignored the superheated metal to open the hatch with his bare hands and pull her to safety.
"Uh, sir, I'm not hurt," she said, trying to break away from him (He was clinging to her). "I'm a homunculus, we don't,"
The others came running, wanting to know what had happened, and take the Commander to the hospital to get his hands looked at. Sloth kept saying she couldn't explain it, she had just lost control.
Over juice (Winry's treat) in the cafeteria, however, she told a different tale.
"So, what happened, Sloth?" Ed asked, taking a sip of Cranapple. "Was your Unit designed by Dante, who secretly hates you and dad, and after her death, her vengeful spirit possessed the robot that was her life's work, and went nuts when she saw dad?"
"That can't be it," Envy interrupted. "Mom's alive and well. Living in a condo in Florida. You know, she just sent one of those delightful little emails of hers, I'll have to show it to you."
"Yeah, I'd like that," Ed grinned.
"Actually, I didn't even lose control," Sloth admitted calmly. "I was just trying to kill Hoenheim, but that glass wouldn't break, so I told everyone it was an accident."
Winry raised her grape juice can in a toast. "Well, here's to a good try."
A tall man with disheveled black hair and square glasses grabbed it out of her hand. "Why, thank you, Winry."
The "Captain" leaned her chair back, almost losing her balance to get a look at the thief. "You! What are you doing here?"
The man ruffled her hair. "Ah, Winry, I'm just here poking around for the heck of it. That I get to see you is just a perk." He winked at the three pilots. "Howdy. I'm Maes Hughes, Hoho's new employee, corporate spy, and Winry's first—,"
"Hughes!" Winry snapped, turning bright red. "Don't talk about that around the kids!"
"Why, what is he talking about?" Ed asked curiously.
Envy laughed, Sloth sipped her juice quietly, and Hughes leaned a little closer to Ed. "You're her roommate, tell me, does she still sleep sprawled out all over the bed?"
Winry stood up. "Well, I think you kids had better get to school."
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The three "children" entered the classroom, which was a community-college class type thing that had been set up to pay for HohoBots Inc.'s expenses. The people who signed up didn't realize until later that they, like the pilots and the crew, would be locked/held prisoner in Central 3 the duration of the class.
The pilots scattered. Sloth pulled out a book and sat by herself in a corner, reading, Ed stood there awkwardly, and Envy spotted a gothy looking girl (Lust) and went over to talk to her.
"Long time, no see. What are you doing here?" he asked.
"Oh, I just thought that I should further my education so that I can live without being dependant on Master for all my information and such."
"Well, good for you..."
While they talked, a dark-skinned, muscle-bound, red-eyed man with a huge X over his forehead walked up to Ed, and socked him in the jaw. "Hey! Youse! Scar hate Ed!"
"Don't mind him," a nerdy Ishbalan kid told Ed, helping him stand up. "He's full of pent-up rage, but you can still be our friend."
Envy and Lust shook their heads knowingly. "Oh, boys."
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Ross was finally alone with Riza. Now was her chance. "Riza, I love—,"
"HEYAH, HAWKEYE!" yelled Hughes, bursting into the office. Ross squeaked and ran off. "Say, have you seen this picture of my my daughter? Isn't she cute? Gracia's watching her while I'm stuck here, they're so adorable together,"
"I think I know someone who disagrees," Riza noted wryly, with a dry nod over her shoulder at the woman in the doorway.
A comical storm cloud hung over Winry, eavesdropping in. "NEVER mention Gracia, or your marriage, EVER AGAIN!" she shrieked, throwing a stapler at him.
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Hughes when over to Winry, Ed, and Envy's apartment that evening to apologize, only to find Winry stinking drunk.
"Oh, Mr. Hughes!" yelled Envy, hearts in his eyes. "Look at me! Look at me!"
"Winry, how much have you had to drink?"
"Look at me now! Look! Look!
"When we were screwing, was it just to see how many times you could cheat on Gracia before she dumped you?" Winry growled.
"Look at me! Look at me!" Envy continued yelling.
Hughes ignored him. "Winry, babe,"
"Don't fuck with me, Hughes! You did enough of that in college!"
Ed's eyes grew to a size normally associated with tire radials. "Way too much information! I'm going over to Sloth's to be angsty."
"She is a nice girl," Winry slurred, passing out cold as Ed slammed the door shut.
"Mr. Hughes," Envy simpered, now alone with him. "according to many of the slasher fans, you and I are involved."
Maes ran away screaming.
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Riza lit up a cigarette dissatisfiedly. "Why do you always close your eyes when we make love?" she asked agitatedly.
Hoenheim opened his eyes and sat up in the bed. "Did I do that again? Sorry. I blinked and forgot to open them again."
"And why does Roy have to stand in the corner while we do it?" she asked, pointing to the man standing aloofly in the corner.
"Who?" her lover asked.
"And are you screwing Sloth?"
"Boy I wish,"
"And... am I going to get pregnant? Because I notice that happens with a lot of your lovers."
Hoenheim shrugged and went back to sleep.
