Hoenheim of Light Saves the World with Giant Robots Piloted by his Sons
Chapter 3: Plugs for Dummies
I realize that the way the chapters are broken up is a little awkward... you see, this should just be posted as one giant one-shot, but that would be boring, and very long.
--------------------
Yet another day at the "school," Classroom Representative Lust (so elected by the males in the class), walked up to Ed and Scar as they tried to kill each other with alchemy in a teenage-male-friend type way.
"Is it possible for you to have a friend you don't hate, scarred man?" she drawled. Scar glared at her. "And are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage."
"I don't need this!" stormed Scar, blustering off angrily.
Lust lowered her voice. "Hey, Fullmetal, you're friends with Scar... does..." she giggled. "Does he ever... talk about me?"
Ed blinked. "What?"
"Don't mind him, Lulu," Envy told his friend, kicking Ed in the head as he walked by. "He's clueless... so, you like Scar, huh? Why don't you do something teen-romance sweet... like, make him lunch?"
"Yeah," Lust mused. "That'd be so charming! He'd have to fall for me!"
Ed snorted. "You two know nothing about boys, do you?"
A siren went off in the school. "Red alert! All pilots report to Headquarters! This is not a drill!"
-----------------------
"All right, Kiddos," Winry briefed them as they got situated and ready for their first real battle. "A rouge pilot has found an Eva we didn't know about, and is attacking. Kill him."
"Good luck, soldiers," Sloth whispered sarcastically. Her fellow pilots snickered.
The three 'kids' were launched into the battle field, a large stretch of virgin forest that would soon be smashed. The enemy unit, which, for some reason, had an unnecessarily large right arm, rushed at Sloth's unit, Unit 00. She braced herself, but this was uncalled for, as her 'bot collapsed to the ground in a heap of spare parts before the enemy even reached her.
"Her batteries must have run out," Riza noted dryly. "I guess I forgot to recharge them. What. A. Shame."
"These things run on rechargeable batteries?" Sloth asked skeptically as the enemy ran over her, smushing her 'bot rather badly.
"Cut us some slack, you Trisha Elric-wannabe," Riza snapped. "It's amazing we built these things at all with 1900's technology."
The rogue 'bot had reached Ed, who stepped out gallantly to attack it, and was slightly upset to find that his Eva only reached up to his adversary's shoulder. Before he could file this complaint with Winry, however, the enemy had grabbed his Eva's right arm and began twisting it. "HEY!" screamed Ed in pain, "My automail's false nerves are connected to that arm!"
Both the bot's and Ed's arms exploded into piles of bolts. Ed collapsed.
"Holy Shit," Envy muttered. "These things can really do some damage... hey, why did we build these things in the first place?"
"Your tax dollars at work," Sloth sighed. "Oh, crap, he's coming my way again."
Winry hopped up and down on one foot anxiously, trying to follow the drama. "Cover for me, Hoho," she finally gasped, bolting for the door. "I really need to pee."
Hoenheim took the helm. "Hello, Envy. How are you today?"
"Not so good!" Envy hollered, watching his enemy ripping one of Sloth's legs to shreds. "I'm coming back in so we can rethink our strategy."
"No, you aren't, you coward," the Commander ordered, doing a complete 180 from his usual trippy self. "You're going to kill Scar if it's the last thing you do."
"Oh my God, that's SCAR? No way! Lust would never forgive, and she's the only friend I've got!"
"Scar Smash!" yelled the enemy.
"All right, then, Envy," Hoenheim shrugged, pulling a floppy disk out of his pocket. "We'll just use this dummy plug system. It's experimental, but it should work."
"A what?"
"A dummy plug. It's a computer program designed to pilot your Eva for you by mimicking your soul," he explained, booting up the program as Ross, Havoc, Kimblee, and Envy gaped at him.
"Dad, I don't have a soul!" Envy reminded him, as his Eva went nuts, the result of having a fake/flawed soul placed in a computer that wasn't designed to deal with any soul at all, and, much against Envy's will, kicked the blood-like substance out of the Ishbot.
--------------------
Lust went to visit the (now severely) scarred man in the hospital. "Hi. I... I made you some lunch, but the doctor says you can't eat anything until they fix that hole in your stomach."
Scar's finger twitched. Lust took this as a good sign.
-----------------
"I heard Scar's brain damage was minimal," Ed said hopefully as Envy furiously packed up his bags, taking as much of Ed and Winry's stuff as his own. "Come on, En, you can't leave me alone with Winry and Dad and Riza and Hughes! That's why we started the Elric Brothers' Hotline, so that we wouldn't have to deal with this stuff by ourselves."
Envy patted him on the head as he walked out the door. "Be strong. I'll break out of here and be back with help before you know it."
------------------------
One life-sucking week later, Ed and Sloth stared listlessly at Riza and Hoho. "You'll be happy to know that we have Edward's Unit completely fixed, and Sloth's is well on it's way. You two will be up and running in no time," Riza smiled.
"Also, you may have noticed that ever since Envy went missing, I mean, escaped, I mean, left, we've needed a replacement," Hoenheim continued.
"And here he is," Riza beamed. "May I introduce, Wuthell."
Ed stared at the tall blond boy. "You mean Russell. I know him."
Riza smiled. "No, this is Wuthell, Russell's evil clone from the slasher fics. He'll be sharing the apartment with you and Winry."
"I hope we can be friends," Wuthell grinned.
"Don't drop the soap," Sloth muttered under her breath to Ed.
------------------
Next Chapter: The Climactic Finale! All your questions answered!
