Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi: The Next Generation or any of its characters. IfI did, I wouldn't have to read or write fan fictions to fulfill my love for Crash.
It had been a week since graduation, since I had seen him last. It was the first time in a very long time though, for both of us. Ellie had told me they were back together and although I thought it was disgusting, I was fine with it. Or so I thought. When I saw him and her standing there and when he and I made eye contact, everything changed. I threw on my best fake smile and looked over to Ellie, who looked a bit sad. Of course, I wondered why. But, then I thought about it and I figured, who wouldn't be sad seeing Craig with Manny?
Although the ordeal saddened me, I wouldn't show it, at least not in front of everyone else. He stared at me for quite sometime and then that was it. We didn't see each other for the rest of the time. We never made eye contact again and he never even glanced in my general direction. I left the graduation that day feeling as if my worst fear had come true. And, it had. I later found out about Craig and Ellie and about how Ellie was still pining for him. This, too, upset me, but there was no way I would let Ellie see this.
When I got home later that day my mom kept nagging me about seeing everyone. I just nodded and answered with "They're back together." I then went up to my room and put on some music. My mom knew what I was talking about, but she decided she'd dig her claws in a little deeper. That night ended in a fight between me and her, and I ended up staying the night at Ellie's, but without an explanation.
So, it's been a week. I really want to see him, just so I can talk to him. So I could apologize for leaving him. Although, I doubt he cares much now. As I sit in my room, contemplating what to do, I get a call. It's Ellie. She invites me to hang out at The Dot. When I ask her who else will be there, she tells me it'll just be us. I accept the offer, although I'd rather be coming up with a plan to see Craig.
I hop into the shower after hanging up with Ellie and when I get out I throw on a black sweater and khaki pants. I'd have to say, my style has definitely changed in the past year. I tell Toby I'm heading out, but he really doesn't care. He just gives me a shrug and I run out the door. The heels I decided on are killer on my feet, but beauty comes at a price. When I reach The Dot, I see Ellie already seated at a booth. She signals for me to join her and I notice another drink at the table.
"I thought it was just us, El?" I raise an eyebrow and she gives an innocent smile and shrugs.
"Well, it was. But, someone showed up and they really wanted to see you." The first person who shot through my mind was Craig. How could Ellie do that to me? I couldn't handle a Craig confrontation right now, especially not with Ellie here.
"Um, El…I think…" My words were cut off by Marco approaching me and giving me a hug.
"Ashley Kerwin!" I certainly must've looked surprised because Ellie gave me a weird look. Marco and I sat down and the three of us chatted over some coffee.
"How was London? I mean, I've heard only what Ellie has told me. But, she's not that great at detailing stuff. So, dish. What about this Ali guy, huh Ash?" Marco nudged me with his elbow.
"London was an adventure, but it was definitely nothing compared to Toronto. I missed you guys so much. And Ali and I amounted to nothing even remotely serious." Every time I heard the door open, I'd jump a little. And, I guess both Marco and Ellie noticed.
"Someone you're dreading, Kerwin?" Ellie smirked and gave me a suspicious look. Both she and Marco eyed me.
"Dreading someone?" I let out a nervous laugh, "Nope, just a little jumpy. That door takes me by surprise, you know?"
"Okay, Ash…" Marco gave me a weird look, as did Ellie. "Well girls, I have to get going. It was great catching up, Ash." Marco hugged the both of us and went on his way.
"Looks like I better be heading out as well. Got any plans?" Ellie started to gather her purse and stand up, waiting for an answer.
"Um – I kind of just want to walk around…maybe visit a few old friends." I shrugged and grabbed my purse.
"Well, if you want company anytime, you know who to call." Ellie hugged me and went on her way.
Honestly, I was kind of glad she did. The more time I spent away from Craig, the more I wanted to see him. Showing up at Joey's now wouldn't be the biggest mistake I could make, but it could be an embarrassing and awkward one. I was out of The Dot and towards Joey's. Whether or not I'd actually go was still a mystery, even to me.
When I saw her, it was amazing. It was one week ago today. And when I say saw her, that's all. We didn't even talk. She was with Ellie and she just smiled at me. Even after she turned her head to look back at Ellie, I stared. I couldn't help it. Manny stood right next to me, but I continued to look at Ash. She was beautiful. Maybe even more so than before she left for London; if you would've told me she could get any more gorgeous back then, I would've laughed in your face.
It's been a week and I still can't shake her beauty out of my mind. But, I have to. One, Ashley has Ali. And, two…I have Manny. And I'm happy with her, I really am this time. I wish I had the nerve to call her, to show up at her house, to…anything. It's not so much that I want to rekindle old love, but that I want to rekindle an old friendship. Manny would hate that though. And I honestly don't want to mess up what we have.
I called Ashley's house today. Toby answered and I left a message. I think he was a little shocked that I called because when I told him it was me it took him a while to respond. At least her mom didn't answer. She'd be convinced that I wanted to get back together with Ash and break her heart once more. But, I don't want that. And even if I did, Ash broke my heart last time. That has to count for something.
I sit here and wonder how serious Ali and Ash are. I wonder if they're still together. I'm happy for her if they are. And if they're not, I'm sure he didn't treat Ashley right. I never treated Ash right. I still feel guilty for that now. I feel like I owe her more, more than I ever gave her. But, I suppose it's not my responsibility anymore. Manny is.
I didn't expect Ashley to call me back. I mean, what reasons did she have? But, apparently she did have reasons. Instead of calling me back, she showed up at Joey's. Joey wasn't home, which wouldn't look too good if Manny showed up. I opened the door, expecting to see Manny or one of my other buddies. Ashley ran her fingers through her hair and smiled when I opened the door.
"Um…hey, I didn't think you'd show up here. I mean, I just asked Toby if he could have you call me back." I was pretty surprised when Ash gave me a confused look.
"What? Oh, you called…I just showed up here. I was around the neighborhood, so…yeah." She looked around nervously and shifted her weight from one foot to another. I pondered why she would just show up at my house without reason, but I didn't mind.
"Awkward," I said in a bit of a joking voice to lighten things up. She smiled and chuckled a bit. "You want to come inside?" I stepped aside and she walked in, looking around.
"This place looks the same. Is Joey home?" She led herself to the couch as I shut the door.
"Joey? Oh, no. But, if that's a problem I can call him up or something." I didn't mean for it to come out like we needed supervision, but luckily Ash just shook her head and I took a seat by her on the couch. "So…"
"I bet this is really weird, me just…showing up."
"No not at all. I mean, I figured I was being weird by calling your house and I know Toby thought it was weird." I laughed and so did she.
"Honestly, I wanted to talk to you at the graduation the other day; but, we never ran into each other or anything." She was fiddling with her hands and I could tell she was a little nervous.
"Yeah, I wanted to catch up with you, which is why I called, you know. Or maybe you don't. How was London?" I started to get nervous too, and I didn't know how to start up a conversation.
"Um, London was exciting for a while. It was nothing compared to here, though. I missed everyone. Family, friends…" I almost prayed that she wouldn't say it, but she did. "You," she stared at me for a while, but I didn't know what to say. That's when the apology came. "I'm really sorry I left like I did, Craig. I know it wasn't easy for you. And believe me, it wasn't easy for me. It was something I thought I needed at the time…and now, I'm not so sure."
"Ashley -" I jumped up from the couch and ran my hands through my hair, mostly angry. "You can't do this to me. You can't come back here and think things will be okay. We'll never be an us again. You could've come back, Ash…but you had to stay there with Ali. You don't even know how badly I had waited for you to come back. And, to find out on my birthday that you had a new boy toy…that hurt. But, I'm with Manny now…and I'm happy. Don't do this to me!" She looked a little shocked and scared. After my freak out fest, I think I would be a little taken aback too. I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry for yelling at you."
"Um – Craig, I'm not trying to get you back. I'm just telling you that I'm sorry. I'm hoping that you'll forgive me and that we can remain friends." She then stood up as well and walked towards me. Her voice got quieter. "You've always understood me, and I love that. And, I understand that you're with Manny. And, I'm glad you're happy. I respect that." Ash shakes her head as if trying to get a bad image out. "Ali was a joke…he didn't treat me right. He was horrible. And, I know this makes me sound pathetic and it makes me sound like I want you back, but…he wasn't you, Craig." With that, she backed away from me and picked up her purse. "Bye Craig."
I stopped her from walking out, though. "Wait, Ash…" She turned and looked at me full of hope. "We can definitely be friends." Ash smiled and turned back around, heading out the door. As she closed the door behind her, I fell back onto the couch and whispered after her, "I still love you…"
