Even though I told him I wasn't trying to win him back…deep down, I was. I wanted to impress him. I wanted him to think the world of me, like he once had. I wanted him to need me. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to love me, most of all. I remember the last time we tried the 'just friends' thing. He ended up walking out of the recording studio because he wasn't sure if I'd always be there. Well, I'll always be there. I'd walk out on a marriage for Craig. I'd do anything for him. It's too bad that I had to lose him again to realize this.
When I get home from Craig's house, my mom and Ellie are there. It's not that late, so I don't know why either of them seems worried. They're both in the kitchen, talking and drinking tea. When I walk in, they both turn to look at me.
"Um, hey guys. El, what're you…" I stammer, kind of nervously.
"Where were you, Ashley?" My mom looks extremely pissed and I'm almost afraid to answer.
"Visiting a friend," I answer quickly, almost too quickly.
"Who?" My mother gives me a fierce look, but I don't even get to answer her.
"Craig," answers Ellie. She looks really upset, and I know I'm to blame. I open my mouth to defend myself, but I'm stopped by her harsh words. "No Ash, it's okay. Craig couldn't pick me over Manny, but you're his soul mate or something…of course he'd pick you over her... over me." She gets up and brushes past me. I don't even bother to follow her because I know it'll just make a bigger mess out of things. My mom stares at me as we hear the front door open and then slam.
"Ashley…" My mom says quietly, almost whispering.
"I don't want to hear it, mom. Craig and I…"
"Don't say that name. Did you see how badly Ellie was hurt? Did you, Ashley?" She turns around and picks up the cups of tea that Ellie and she were drinking. She brings them over to the sink, and I watch her clean them. Before she can turn around for an answer, I'm gone.
I went up to my room and locked my door. I just laid there for a while; I'm not even sure how long it was. I heard a knock on my door and I pretended that I was sleeping. I could hear my mom sigh and walk back downstairs.
The next morning I awoke to my cell phone vibrating on my bedside table. It sounded like a machine gun blasting through a glass window. I jumped up, my heart racing. When I realized it was my cell phone, I picked it up off of the table and stared at the name on the screen. It was Craig. I smiled a little and decided to pick it up.
"Hello," I regret answering the phone when I've only been up for a few seconds. My voice sounds all groggy and disgusting, at least to me it does.
"Ash!" Craig seems a little too excited to hear my morning voice, but I really don't mind. "Hey, did I wake you?"
"No, you didn't. The sound of my cell phone vibrating on my table did," I hear him laugh a bit and I do the same. "So, you rang?"
"Um, yeah…I was wondering if you wanted to do something. You know, hang out?" I was pretty surprised he wanted to hang out so suddenly. After all, he had to worry about Manny. And, I had to worry about Ellie.
"I…I don't think we should, Craig." There, I said it. I turned down his offer to hang out, that could cheer El up a little.
"Oh," I could hear the disappointment in his voice and it stunned me. Why did he sound so disappointed? "Well, I guess I'll let you go." He sighed heavily.
"Yeah," I felt so stupid for saying what I had. I really wanted to hang out with Craig. I wanted it to be like old times, minus the making out. "I feel stupid." I couldn't help it; it just slipped out…like, word vomit or something.
"What? Why?" His voice perked up a bit, which I thought was a little weird.
"What I meant before was…I want to hang out, but I don't think it'd be right."
"Right…? Come on, Ash. We're friends. It's fine. That's what friends do…they hang out." He started to sound irritated, but I didn't blame him.
"It's just…Manny…and,"
"Don't worry about Manny. She'll be cool with it." I don't know who he is trying to convince. Manny would flip out if she found out Craig and I were talking.
"It's not just Manny, Craig. What about Ellie?" I could feel a lump forming in my throat, and I didn't even have a good reason.
"Listen Ash; if you don't want to hang out…just say it. Stop making up excuses. What about Ellie? She's always been friends with both of us. Plus, we're just friends, why can't anyone else accept that?"
"Craig…I…I have to go," I didn't want to, but all this 'just friends' talk was upsetting me. "Bye." I hung up before he could even respond.
I sunk back under the comforter on my bed. I wanted to cry, but it seemed as if all the tears in the world were already all cried out.
I called her. She said we shouldn't hang out. She knows that's a load of shit. Something her mom has been feeding her. The truth is I miss her. I miss us. Well, not necessarily us; but, us hanging out and playing music. I can deal with the whole 'just friends' aspect of our relationship, can she? I think she's scared. She's always been too careful. Like when she ran off to England to get away from me. She knew she was falling too hard and that it might actually amount to something. She's scared. That's Ashley for you. Always running, always careful, always scared.
A little while later Ellie showed up at my house. I was in the garage fooling around with my guitar and attempting to write some new songs. I always wrote songs about Ashley. I don't know why, but they always ended up being about her. I tried writing a song about Manny, but in the end it described the relationship I had with Ashley. I guess everything boils down to her. Ellie came in and stood there a while before I noticed her.
"Hey," I got up from the couch and put down my guitar, going over to give her a hug. "How long have you been here?"
"Just a few minutes," she smiled at me and accepted my hug. "Working on a new song?" She asked, taking a seat on the couch and looking at my notebook.
"Um…yeah," I answered, hoping she wouldn't find the meaning behind the song. But, of course it's hard to hide those things from Ellie; especially when she knows both Ashley and I so well. As she read through the bit of lyrics I had written, I studied her nervously.
"Ashley," she said, still looking at the notebook.
"Huh?" She had figured it out so quickly, even I was surprised.
"They're about her. Granted, most of your lyrics are, but these ones? Wow. Hide them from Manny," she forced out a fake laugh. I knew it was a fake laugh because she never felt comfortable talking about neither Ash nor Manny with me. I just nodded; I didn't think I had anything more to say about the lyrics. "So, I heard you two talked yesterday," El looked really uncomfortable, I didn't know why she was putting herself in this position.
"Yeah, we did. We're taking that just friends route," I didn't even get to finish before she interjected with what I'd like to call just her opinion.
"You two suck as friends," she laughed and this time I could tell it was real.
"Ha. Ha. So very funny, El," I rolled my eyes and let out another sarcastic laugh.
"Very funny, yet very true," she smirked and got up from the couch, crossing her arms and turning to me. "Craig..." Her voice trailed off and I walked towards her, giving her an awkward look.
"Are you okay, Ellie?"
"Me? Yeah, I'm fine. It's just a little musty in here," she looked at her watch and let out a sigh. "Oh, I have to go meet Marco. I'm going to be late. So, I'll see you later." With that, she grabbed her purse and went towards to garage door that led into the house.
"See you later, El," I gave a little wave and after I was sure she was gone, I sat back down on the couch to write more lyrics. About Ashley and for Ashley; because just like Ellie said, Ash and I suck as just friends…and we both know it.
