1988
"Let's see how you like this, you little punk," roared Dudley Dursley.
Dudley had finally caught up to Harry with his gang in the park. Bending down slightly to hit his cousin he heard a massive rip.
"What was that noise?" asked Dudley, standing up straight.
That did the trick. Dudley's trousers fell down, exposing him in his small underwear.
Piers, Gordon, Malcolm and Dennis all burst out laughing at the embarrassed Dudley.
"Oh, I so wish I had a camera right now," moaned Malcolm.
Completely forgotten about, Harry Potter got up off the ground and walked off, holding in his laughter until he was out of sight.
Once he started laughing he couldn't stop, while complementing himself on his prank.
He had known Dudley was going to chase him today, so he had stitched his Aunt's needle through the hem on the front of Dudley's trousers this morning when he was sent upstairs to clean Dudley's room. He had hoped it would rip and fall down when Dudley would reach out to punch him.
Harry had found a prank book in the toilets at school on the floor the previous week. Intrigued and interested, he had managed to smuggle it home under his shirt. His Aunt always checked his bag when he came back from school after all. He kept it in Dudley's second bedroom between the wardrobe and the wall. A place he knew his Aunt would never look.
He finally made his way back to Privet Drive, trying to think of a prank he could do on his Aunt and Uncle.
"FREAK, WHERE WERE YOU?" bellowed his Uncle Vernon, an overweight man with an anger problem.
Before Harry answered he was grabbed by the scruff of the neck and dragged to the kitchen.
"Make us dinner, a chicken curry would be delicious, not that you'd be getting any," glowered Vernon.
Hmm, thought Harry. Maybe it was time for another prank.
Uncle Vernon always liked a flour mix with the curry dinners. Harry's smile widened.
No one was in the kitchen but him. He prepared the ingredients and soon enough the food was in a curry pot simmering. Harry reached for the sugar pot and poured the whole lot into the meal along with a large amount of coffee grinds. Coffee was barely ever touched in the house so Vernon and Petunia wouldn't notice for a long time. He mixed it in the flavor and continued stirring to blend it all in.
Eventually it was dinnertime. Dudley had since returned wearing new trousers and glaring at Harry. Harry sent him a smirk as he ate his own food; raw carrot and an out of date egg.
"That was delicious," heaved Uncle Vernon. "It's a shame a freak like you will never become a chef. No one would want you working in a kitchen unless it is to clean dishes."
Suddenly a tremendous sound came from Vernon. A loud, thunderous fart had decided to take leave from the large man.
"Ahh, that hit the spot," grumbled Vernon.
Vernon suddenly got a deeply scrunched up face. Harry almost dropped his fork as he realised what was about to happen.
Uncle Vernon's next release wasn't a fart.
"DAMMIT!" roared Vernon.
"VERNON," screeched Aunt Petunia. "DID YOU JUST DO THAT AT MY TABLE?"
"Sorry, Pet," Vernon tried to apologise, to no avail.
Aunt Petunia grabbed Vernon and frog marched him to the front door.
"IF YOU WANT TO ACT LIKE AN ANIMAL, YOU MAY AS WELL JOIN THEM OUTSIDE," she bellowed. "I WILL NOT HAVE SOMEONE DROP A DEUCE IN MY KITCHEN."
And she threw Vernon out.
Grumbling, Vernon turned around to walk away only to see some of his neighbours watching him in shock who were walking by.
"I always thought it was babies that did THAT at the table," old Mrs Figg said. "Not grown men."
Vernon rushed through the crowd, feeling humiliated as his neighbours started laughing.
There was a hotel nearby. Thankfully he had his wallet kept in his pocket.
Back in Number Four Privet Drive, Petunia had rushed to the bathroom herself and just barely made it in time. Dudley wasn't so lucky. Like his father, he let it loose before he reached the door.
He had to change his trousers TWICE that day.
IlIlIlIlIlI
Harry was punished for his stunt. However, with the neighbours gossiping about the Dursley's more than ever Vernon and Petunia were scared about what else they may discover so they simply had Harry do a few extra chores.
They didn't believe it was a prank however. They simply believed that Harry was a bad cook.
On the upside though, Harry never had to cook again.
IlIlIlIlIlI
One day at school, Harry was having a bad day. His teacher was being very unpleasant as of late.
Ms. Battellacks was an old friend of Aunt Petunia and like his Aunt, she didn't like him.
As his Aunt and Uncle wouldn't let him do his homework the previous night she was giving out to him rather sharply about not doing his homework.
After Ms. Battellacks returned to her desk Harry glared at her. She never noticed him glaring though pushing him over the edge.
I wonder if she would even notice if her hair was blue, thought Harry. I wish her hair was blue.
Harry suddenly blinked in shock as Ms. Battellacks grey hair suddenly turned blue in front of the whole class.
Every student was staring at her in shock. It took almost five minutes before she had noticed herself.
Ms. Battellacks pulled out her pocket mirror after Samantha asked her what happened to her hair.
Her shriek brought the Principal running.
IlIlIlIlIlI
Harry laid down in shock in his cupboard that night wondering how that had happened.
He remembered wanting her hair to turn blue and it did.
When Vernon questioned him about it he gave the overweight man the wrong answer.
"It was like magic."
That sent his Uncle into an unprecedented rage and he started screaming how there is no such thing as magic. He had tried to hit him but had pulled back at the last moment. Instead he threw Harry into his Cupboard and bellowed "there is no such thing as magic."
But Harry was now thinking different. The hair didn't turn blue by itself after all.
Is magic real? Harry wondered. Am I able to do things with my mind?
Harry brushed his thoughts on it away and went to sleep.
IlIlIlIlIlI
But he couldn't get the question out of his mind.
The local library wasn't far away so he decided to go there and try to find some answers.
"Do you have any books on magic?" he asked the librarian.
"Indeed I do," the librarian smiled at him. "There is a book that came out last month called Matilda. I think you would enjoy it."
"Thank you."
The librarian had retrieved the book for him. He sat in a quiet corner and read the book. As he read the book everything started to make sense to him. The character named Trunchbull somehow reminded him of Aunt Marge, Uncle Vernon's sister, but he couldn't explain why.
Once he finished the book he went home, not wanting to be the recipient of Uncle Vernon's wrath for being away too long.
He went back the next day and read Alice In Wonderland, the day after that he started reading the Chronicles of Narnia.
The librarian tried to encourage him to take the books home but he refused, knowing Uncle Vernon would find them and rip them up.
Eventually he took them out after Mrs. Figg offered him to read at her house, once she saw him going to the library. Grateful to the old lady, Harry would help her with a few small chores like feeding her cats and other small things. He never told her why he was reading books, as he was sure the old lady wouldn't believe in magic either and likely would think he was insane.
IlIlIlIlIlI
July 1989
Harry had smuggled a spoon into his cupboard.
The reason: Harry wanted to try and levitate the spoon. A few other instances of his strange ability had surfaced this year, one being how he had managed to get to the top of the school building while running from Dudley and his gang. Just when he thought he was cornered, he just wanted to get away. And found himself on the roof of the building. He simply accepted it as another form of magic. He had also managed to get Vernon ticketed by police one day when he made the car speed up rather suddenly one day. Uncle Vernon barely managed to restrain himself that night from hitting him.
But his favorite trick was somehow getting a skunk into Dudley's bedroom. As skunks were not native to the UK, the Dursley's knew it was him but couldn't do anything as Animal Control had contacted investigators who had questioned the Dursley's extensively as how they had a skunk in their house and were watching them.
Harry focused on the spoon in front of him, trying to be calm and focused at the same time.
"Go up," he whispered encouraging, not breaking eye contact with the utensil.
To his glee the spoon had risen and was now floating in midair.
"Magic is real," said Harry. He kept the spoon in the air until he started to feel exhausted and the spoon fell back on the bed.
"I need to start doing meditation," grumbled Harry tiredly. "Maybe that and control will help."
IlIlIlIlIlI
December 1989
It did.
Harry started doing meditation constantly and was beginning to feel something coming loose every time he did. He managed to get control for every time he would perform his pranks, which was now almost daily.
He pranked Dudley every day. Making his trousers fall down had become a new hobby of his. Dudley had become the laughingstock of the school because of it. Aunt Petunia was always trying to buy Dudley tighter trousers but they would always fall down once again in front of his peers and teachers. Pulling back Dudley's chair every time he tried to sit down would have him fall on the ground making everyone laugh.
He was more careful with his Aunt and Uncle though. They clearly knew about his ability given the suspicious looks and the constant 'there's no such thing as magic'. They were clearly scared of it though.
He had tricked his Aunt during the annual Garden Competition by making a dog whiz on her perfect flowers as the judges were looking at them. Aunt Petunia was absolutely mortified. She didn't suspect him at all and chased the dog for nearly a mile before giving up.
Uncle Vernon was more dangerous to prank though, so he inconvenienced Vernon with regular things that would happen to anyone like blocking up the toilet, his showers being colder than the weather in Antarctica, his car having problems, the television only showing static, etc.
Harry had been tossed into the cupboard because Uncle Vernon wanted to spend time with his 'actual family'. Harry looked through the vented slits in the door and noticed Vernon had just opened the window.
"Just to get rid of that freakish smell," laughed Vernon.
Angry, Harry directed his eyes at the Christmas tree which was set up next to the window. He hadn't practiced with an item this big but he was up for trying.
With an almighty hurdle, the Christmas tree fell on top of Vernon, crushing him to the floor. One of the bells that had fallen from the tree made its way into Vernon's mouth, stopping him from roaring in anger.
By the time Petunia and Dudley had pulled the tree off him Vernon had calmed down despite the bell still being in his mouth. He stood up and slammed the window shut.
"Bloody wind," he cursed. "Couldn't come when the freak was standing here."
He turned to walk away from the window only to slip on the bell he had in his mouth and went crashing to the floor.
"And now my back," he groaned from the ground. "This is certainly a Black Christmas."
In his cupboard, Harry struggled not to laugh at his Uncle's plight.
Pranks make the world go round, thought Harry mischievously.
AN: Welcome to my new series: Harry Potter: Prank Connoisseur. I'm going to rewrite the whole series, prank style. Some changes will happen that weren't in the books, but the plots more or less remain the same. I hope you all enjoy this. Any ideas for pranks are well welcomed.