Authors Note: Okay, so this chapter is another sort of filler chapter...but the one after this is so much fun to write...anyway coming up expect a lot more of the marauders. And in this next chapter you're about to read there's a conversation between Lily and Hazel about the whole Sirius thing...oh you don't know what the whole thing is yet, do you? Well expect some in this chapter! Yay! Haha, sorry, I love tormenting you all…aren't I cruel? Yes. Anyway, read! I hope you like it!
Chapter 17
Going Home
Lily was saved the energy it would take in punishing James by the arrival of Christmas break. She instead worried about her mother and Petunia and her father's death. She did not know if their memories had been modified, and if so how far back did the modification stretch? Did they know about her father's disappearance? Did they know about her father's death? And if their memories had not been modified, they would be mad at her. But if they had been modified, how much would they know? It would be a tricky balancing act on Lily's part. She was tempted to put her name down on the signup sheet and stay at Hogwarts. But she did not. She needed to go back to her family. And break started tomorrow. She did not know what she would do.
Sirius and Hazel
"So, it's almost Christmas time." Sirius told Hazel.
"Yes." She replied, not really paying attention. She was reading in the library, and Sirius was watching her.
"You know what that means?" He asked her.
"What?" She asked.
"That we'll have been together for two months. We'll miss our anniversary." He told her. She laughed.
"Sirius, you know that you can't have a two month anniversary, right?" She told him.
"Why not?" He asked.
"Because an anniversary is a date commemorating an event which happened on the same day a year ago. So you can't have a two month anniversary, because anniversaries are annual, they happen yearly, not monthly." Hazel explained.
"I love you Hazel." Sirius told her. He had not meant to say it. It had just slipped out. He had been feeling it for a while. At first he had not been sure what the feeling was, and had fought it. But every time he was in a room with her he felt bubbly and joyous. He loved being around her, and their relationship was not the same as any other he had ever had. He felt that she understood him. He knew that he loved her, and had given up fighting or denying it.
"What did you say?" She asked, looking up from her book at last, her usually rosy cheeks drained of all color. This was not at all how Sirius had imagined this going.
"I said that I love you." He told her.
"And...do you?" She asked him slowly, her face still pale. Her voice sounded odd. It was hollow and not her normal tone.
"Yes." He told her. "Do you love me back?" He asked hesitantly when she said nothing. Perhaps he should have kept his feelings to himself.
"Sirius, no. Of course I don't love you. I'm only 16, I can't possibly be in love." Hazel told him, standing and running from the library. That had not gone at all how he had pictured it.
Sirius sat for a while, head in hands, pondering what he should have done differently. He did not know. She was right, it was too soon. What had he been thinking? They had only been dating for two months, and they hadn't even done anything more than kiss. This was so wrong, and so out of character for Sirius. He could not believe that he had actually told her he loved her. He had never told a girl he loved her before. Not even his mother. Well who could really love his mother anyway? Certainly not anyone in their right mind. Perhaps Regulus, her perfect son.
Sirius sat, head in hands, at the library table for some time. He did not know what time it was, all he knew was that he was there until Madam Pince asked him to leave, saying that it was late and he should be in bed. Sirius, for the first time, did not know what to do next. He would not even get a chance to talk to Hazel, to explain, to win her back, because he would be away from her for two weeks. Maybe he would send her a lovely Christmas present. But maybe not, she might feel that he was trying to buy her. Or that he would not respect her and leave her alone. He really did not know what to do. All he knew is that he needed to talk to James about it, and would be telling him everything as soon as they arrived at the Potter's house. Sirius had never looked forward to a holiday more.
Lily had packed a small bag to bring home for the winter holidays. She clutched it close to her now as she approached the Hogwarts express. She was very nervous about seeing her mother and sister, more nervous than she liked to admit. She felt guilty about being nervous, but there it was.
"Lil, you okay?" Caroline asked, turning around from the top step. Lily smiled weakly, nodding. She did not feel okay. Two weeks was a long time. "Are you sure that you want to do this?" Caroline asked her for what felt like the fourth time that hour as they were walking down the corridor, looking for an empty compartment.
"Do what?" Lily asked, acting nonchalant.
"You know what I'm talking about, Lil. You know that you're always welcome to come to my house. I know Ben's going to be there, but he's practically a part of the family by now. It wouldn't be awkward at all, I promise." Caroline assured her.
"I know, Caroline. That's not why I can't come. This is just something I have to do, they're my family after all. I can't just abandon them." Lily explained for the tenth time that morning.
"Okay, I get it. Are you sure though?" Caroline asked again.
"Caroline! Just stop it, okay? I need to go, just drop it!" Lily said, pushing open the door to an empty compartment.
"All right, all right." Caroline said, holding up her hands in defeat. She pushed her bag under her seat with her foot and sighed, sinking into the red cushioning. Lily followed suit. "So, it's just us today." Caroline commented a few minutes later, breaking the silence.
"Mmm." Lily replied.
"Holly and Janette are staying at school, Alice is off with her other friends, I don't know where Ben got off to. Would it be okay if he sat with us later Lily? If he comes. He might be sitting with his friends, of course. I really don't know." Caroline said off handedly.
"Sure. I like Ben. I wouldn't mind." Lily replied. Caroline did not say anything else. She looked up at the ceiling with her eyes closed.
"Hey, is there space in here for me?" Lily looked up to see Alice standing outside their compartment.
"Of course!" Lily said quickly, before Caroline had had time to react. Caroline merely glared at Alice hatefully. Alice still had not reconciled herself with the other girls.
"Hi Caroline." Alice said slowly, smiling as brightly as she could when faced with Caroline's glare.
"Hello Alice." Caroline replied shortly, turning away. Alice and Lily traded a look that said 'I don't know...what now?'
"Caroline..." Alice said, but trailed off. It seemed that she did not really know what to say. "Look, don't be like that. It was a long time ago and I'm sorry." Alice said beseechingly, looking at Lily again for support.
"Lily?" Caroline asked, also looking at Lily for a reaction.
"Caroline...Alice and I have been friends for a while. Since the fall actually. But I didn't think it was my place to force you all to forgive her, or even to ask for her forgiveness. So don't ask me, this is between you two." Lily said, closing her eyes and turning towards to window.
"I'm sorry Caroline." Alice said again. In all honesty Lily was having a hard time remembering exactly what Alice was supposed to be apologizing for. It all seemed so irrelevant now. And it had happened such a long time ago. Just one more thing she could add to the list of things that she would be blaming on James. That wasn't really fair, of course, but there it was. If James hadn't kissed her that day, they never would have had a fight to begin with.
"I hardly even remember what we're fighting about, Alice! Of course I forgive you." Caroline told her, hugging her as a best friend again.
"So...how are things with you and Ben?" Alice asked.
"Great! Never better actually. He's coming home with me this weekend. What about you and Frank?" Caroline asked her, somewhat awkwardly. He had been her teacher after all.
"Excellent. Although they're working him very hard right now...all these, well you know." Alice said slowly, obviously avoiding the painful subject of muggle killings.
"All this You-Know-Who stuff? And all the...muggles who have been killed?" Caroline asked, speaking quietly as if such subjects had to be discussed in whispers.
"Yes." Alice confirmed, glancing sideways to see what Lily's reaction would be, but whether purposely or because she had not heard she was still staring out the window.
"Is he very involved with that?" Caroline asked.
"Yes, they've moved him into the law enforcement squad branch, you know, run by Cornelius Fudge? It's some new plan they have. They have so many new branches I can't even keep it straight, but according to Barty Crouch this will revolutionize law enforcement or something. It was Fudge's idea I think...I'm not sure, I'll have to ask Frank about it. I forget. I have no mind at all for politics, I can't keep all of these high ranked officials separate, in all honesty." Alice said, chuckling a little, although half heartedly-considering the subject.
There was a very subdued air in the compartment until the door burst open again and the room was filled with the loud barks of laughter and hearty back slaps that always accompanied James Potter and Sirius Black.
"Can we sit in here?" James asked. "The other compartments are full up." Lily barely even flicked her eyes over him. They entered, revealing Peter Pettigrew behind them. It was always so hard to know whether or not he was there, he was so small and quiet. It was as if he were a little shadow that followed James and Sirius everywhere.
"Sure, sit, whatever." Alice replied. She smiled at all three boys with no special attention to any of the three, making it clear that she had no lingering feelings of sentiment towards James. She was with Frank completely now.
"Thanks." Sirius said, smiling cheekily. "Anyone wanna play exploding snap?" James asked. He was looking at Lily, but she did not reply.
"Where's Hazel?" She asked suddenly, looking around at Sirius."
"I don't know. I thought she would be with you. Why?" Sirius asked. He did not smile as he usually did when Hazel's name was mentioned.
"I wanted to talk to her. Excuse me, I'm going to go find her." Lily said, standing and exiting the compartment.
"Want some company?" James called after her.
"If you mean yours, then no." Lily told him coldly, turning a corner and disappearing from sight.
"Crash and burn, mate." Sirius said, shaking his head and pounding James in the arm.
"Shut it." James replied, frowning.
"You want to know why she's mad?" Alice asked. Caroline looked horrified. "Caroline, I think that it is only fair to James if we tell. He has a very slim chance at being with Lily as it is, and if he doesn't even know why she's mad, how do you ever expect them to get together?" Alice demanded.
"I suppose." Caroline shrugged, looking unconvinced.
"Don't you think they should be together?" Alice asked her imploringly.
"Of course I do." Caroline replied grudgingly.
"Then don't you think we should give James a fighting shot at her?" Alice asked.
"Yes, I suppose we should." Caroline said reluctantly. James had been watching this exchange anxiously and expectantly. "Okay James, we'll tell you why she's mad. Only you should be able to guess it for yourself." Caroline told him. Alice motioned to the seat across from her, a sign that James should take a seat rather than hover over her.
"Okay, so you'll tell me why she hates me?" James asked eagerly. Sirius sighed and took a seat across from Caroline. Peter sat behind the four.
"Yes. But she doesn't really hate you. Well, I don't think so at least." Alice explained. Caroline nodded.
"So then why is she so mean?" James asked.
"1. She's afraid. 2. She thinks that you're irresponsible, immature, fool hardy, and that you only care about what other people think of you and getting a good laugh, that you are a show off, and that you think you can have everything that you want." Alice told him. "At least that's what she says." Alice added.
"And do you agree?" James asked.
"Well...not with the you think you can have whatever you want part, because you obviously know that you can't have her." Alice told him. James looked shocked and hurt.
"James I was kidding!" Alice said, laughing at his facial expression.
"Okay, so what do I do?" He asked her.
"Well, you have to prove her wrong." Alice told him.
"How?" James asked.
"Well, there's not much we can do with number one, but with two...let me think. Stop being a show off would fix a lot of those things." Alice said at last.
"What do you mean by show off?" James asked her.
"Well, you'll have to stop hexing people because you can, you'll have to stop conjuring snakes after quiddich games- she told us that it was you- and you'll have to stop throwing that ridiculous snitch in the air and catching it everywhere that you go. She finds that so irritating." Alice told him.
"I can't do all that!" James said. "Life would be so boring! And I enjoy hexing Slytherins. And laughing never hurt anyone! She should try it sometime, maybe then she wouldn't be so uptight." James said, frustrated. He looked somewhat hopeless.
"Baby steps, Prongs." Sirius told him. "Maybe you can meet her halfway, that snitch does get annoying." Sirius smiled at the expression of anguish on James's face.
"Well, now you know why she's mad, so it's up to you what to do next." Caroline told him, speaking up at last." James looked at her sadly.
"That's easier said than done." He told her. "I'll never be good enough for her."
"Chin up, mate. If all else fails I can whip you up a knockout love potion." Sirius told him.
"You can do potions?" James asked.
"Did I say that I could whip it up? What I meant was I can find someone who can whip it up." Sirius said. They both laughed.
"So, anyone for exploding snap?" James asked. They settled down to play, Peter looking on, and played James and Sirius against Caroline and Alice. Needless to say the boys worked as one and beat the girls every time.
"Hazel?" Lily asked, opening the door to a compartment at the far end of the train.
"Oh...Hiya Lily." Hazel said, looking up from her book and smiling weakly. She was alone in the compartment.
"Where were you this morning? I didn't see you in the great hall so I figured you were with Sirius. When he showed up without you I got really worried. I thought maybe you had overslept and missed the train." Lily explained, taking a seat next to Hazel.
"Oh, no. I was here." Hazel said, offering no other excuse.
"Oh...well do you want to come back to our compartment? Lily suggested.
"Is...Is Sirius there?" Hazel asked.
"Yes, of course." Lily said, standing up and moving to the door. "Aren't you coming?" Lily asked, looking over her shoulder to see that Hazel had not moved.
"I think maybe I'll just stay here and read quietly. You can go back, I don't mind." Hazel said slowly, not quite meeting Lily's eyes.
"But you're not going to see Sirius again for two weeks. You can't possibly prefer to sit here alone over spending time with your boyfriend." Lily said, laughing lightly. When Hazel still did not look up, Lily paused. "Unless...are you two in a fight?" Lily asked her.
"Not a fight exactly." Hazel said quickly, shifting her weight and still not meeting Lily's eyes.
"What happened? Are you two broken up?" Lily asked.
"Yes." Hazel told her after a minute.
"I'm so sorry. I thought he really liked you. I can't believe him! Did he cheat on you? I should have suspected it. He's never been in a relationship that's lasted this long. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I should have seen it coming." Lily said with a sigh. "He can't handle commitment. But Hazel, I'm sure it has nothing to do with you. He was probably just scared and so he needed to get out of the relationship. Don't blame any of this on yourself though. It's Sirius's fault." Lily told her consolingly.
"What are you talking about?" Hazel asked her, a genuinely puzzled expression on her face.
"Sirius and you..." Lily stammered, not quite understanding.
"You think he cheated on me?" Hazel asked her, now it was Hazel's turn to laugh. "You thought that he dumped me, didn't you?" Hazel asked her.
"Well...yes. Naturally I assumed that, what with his reputation and everything-"
"Lily, I dumped him." Hazel said.
"You did?" Lily asked, shocked.
"Well, I'm not sure if I officially said the words...but I'm pretty sure he got the message." Hazel told her.
"But...I'm so confused. I thought things were going great. I thought you really liked him?" Lily said, posing the statement as a question.
"I did, and they were. But then he said that he loved me." Hazel told her.
"He did? Not Sirius! I don't think he's ever said those words in his life. You're joking." Lily told her bluntly.
"No, I'm not. He did say it. I assumed that he said that to all the girls he dated just to sleep with them." Hazel said, sounding less sure of herself.
"I don't think so." Lily said.
"Well, that doesn't matter. Even if he meant it, I don't feel the same." Hazel told her.
"You don't?" Lily asked.
"Of course not! Lily, I'm 16 years old. I have a family and responsibilities that I need to fulfill, a life that I need to make for myself. I have commitments and plans. I'm not going to throw that away just because I've met some cute guy who seems to fancy me. Of course it isn't love." Hazel told Lily, scoffing. "Anyway, it's not important."
"Yes it is." Lily argued.
"No, Lily, it really isn't. There are more important things in life that boys." Hazel told her.
"Don't take that patronizing tone with me." Lily told her, irritated.
"What are you talking about?" Hazel asked.
"You know what I'm talking about. You sit there all condescending, telling me that there is more to life than boys, as if I don't know that. I'm not some brainless bimbo who spends her entire life trying to attract men. I know that there are more important things! So don't you treat me like some halfwit who doesn't know the first thing about having morals or responsibilities." Lily told her, fuming slightly. She realized, of course, that she was probably over reacting. But on the other hand, Hazel was being rude and treating Lily like some inexperienced child.
"Lily, I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I'm sorry if you got the wrong end of the stick, I honestly didn't mean to be patronizing or condescending. I just think that you're wrong. It's not important, whether or not it's love isn't the point." Hazel said.
"Well then what is?" Lily asked.
"The fact that we're 16, and have only been dating for two months, and that we barely know each other. And the fact that we're rushing this. That's the point." Hazel told her.
"I see." Lily said. "Well, are you sure that you don't want to come back to the compartment? I can chase the boys away." Lily told her.
"No thanks. You go. I really would rather be alone anyway." Hazel said.
"Okay...well if you're sure." Lily said, walking towards the door slowly, and looking over her shoulder at Hazel on the way out.
"Yes, I need some time alone before I go back home." Hazel told her insistently.
"Okay then." Lily said, exiting the compartment and closing the door softly behind her. 'How puzzling Hazel is' Lily thought to herself. 'And Sirius! I never would have thought that about him! I'll have to talk to him about it. He's not the person I thought he was.' Lily entered the compartment again and found the others playing a rowdy game of exploding snap.
"Hi Lily!" James said cheerfully as soon as she opened the door. "Want to play exploding snap?" He asked.
"Not really." She said. "Thanks anyway though." She added when she saw his disappointed look. She noticed that Remus had arrived in the compartment during her absence and was chatting agreeably with Peter in a corner. She smiled briefly at him as she took her seat.
"Did you find Hazel?" He asked.
"Yes." She told him.
"Where is she?" Sirius asked her quickly.
"I'm not sure I should tell you." Lily told him.
"Why not?" Sirius demanded.
"We can talk about it later." Lily told him. James glanced between the two, looking puzzled. Sirius turned from Lily to James and shook his head almost imperceptibly, telling him all too plainly to drop it, he would explain later. Alice and Caroline followed this dialogue with turning heads and puzzled looks.
"Well, shall we continue with our game?" James said in a loud and exuberant voice, louder than it had been before.
"Actually, I changed my mind. I will play if that's all right." Lily said as they were about to deal the cards.
"Perfect, I was just getting sick of playing myself." Sirius said, jumping up at once. "You and James can be a team, Lily." Sirius suggested with a wink. Lily thought she heard a disgruntled noise of protest from the corner where Peter was sitting with Remus, but it was stifled a moment later. It did strike Lily as rather unfair that he was being excluded from the game when he had obviously been waiting to play for longer than she had.
Lily took a seat next to James as he dealt the cards. Caroline and Alice had soon grown fed up with playing against Lily and James. They were too good. So now Lily was playing exploding spit against James. They kept slapping the piles at exactly the same time, and both were slow to withdraw their hands from on top of each other's. They were laughing and having a good time.
Sirius and Alice traded amused glances from their seats in the far corner. They were playing chess, and Peter kept drifting between watching the cards and watching the chess. Remus was now reading quietly in his seat, only occasionally looking up at the others. Caroline had left to hunt down Ben, as they were drawing closer to the platform.
"So, what are you doing for the holidays?" James asked conversationally.
"I dunno. Spending time with my family and managing the tricky balancing act of discovering exactly how much of my mother and sister's minds have been obliviated." Lily said off handedly, although James picked up on an infliction of her voice that caused him to look up from his cards and stare at her. Lily took advantage of his distraction to win the smaller pile. "How about you?" Lily asked.
"Well, Sirius is going to be over. We'll probably have a big Christmas dinner with lots of family. And then of course there's the Rupert's Christmas party. Are you going to be there again?" James asked, sounding hopeful.
"It's highly doubtful." Lily told him. "I don't see how I would get away."
"I could come get you again." James suggested.
"Take the night bus again?" Lily asked.
"Yes." James said.
"I don't see that happening. Sorry. I need to spend Christmas with my family." Lily told him. "Besides, I already wrote to my mom, she's expecting me." Lily told him.
"Oh, right." James replied, looking disappointed.
"Well, it feels like we're slowing down." Lily said at last."
"Yeah." James agreed.
"So, I'd better get my stuff then." She said, but she made no move to get up.
"Right." James confirmed. "Me too." But he did not move either.
"Well, good bye then." Lily said as the train stopped completely. She stood and went to the seat to fetch her bag.
"Have a good holiday." Lily told him, exiting the compartment before he replied.
Authors Note: Okay, I'm making a marked effort not to just leave things hanging like I've been doing in the past...so that last sentence actually does serve a purpose, just to let you know. Any guesses? Anyway, review and perhaps you'll find out sooner than you think!