Chapter 27
Exams
Lily did not see much of James for the next week or so. She was spending much of her time behind a mounting pile of books. She was determined not to let the events of this year bring her down. She was going to ace all of her exams, she was sure of it. The weather was very nice now, so Lily took advantage of the fact that most people were outside studying in the gentle breeze to study in the quiet common room. Her best friends, Hazel, Alice, Caroline, and Holly, were all busy with their own lives. She saw the most of Alice as Frank didn't go to Hogwarts. However after any extended period of time, Alice got on her nerves. If she wasn't talking about Frank, then she would be smiling at some little secret joke only she and Frank shared, or darting off to write a letter to Frank, or giggling softly, or just gazing off into the distance in a way that made it painfully obvious what she was thinking about.
"Alice, will you please shut up!" Lily finally burst out, cutting across a soliloquy of Alice's in which she described for the third time Frank's reaction to her new dress robes. Alice huffed a little and then skulked off to the dormitory to see if anyone was there who might be willing to listen to her. Lily shook her head, feeling only marginally guilty for snapping. I mean, she told herself, I do have work that I need to do. And Alice is too happy to care anyway.
Lily made it through the end of term feeling only occasional twinges of loneliness. She became cranky far more quickly these days. She grew impatient with Hazel very quickly these days whenever she mentioned Sirius and how well things were going. She was telling a very long winded story pertaining to Sirius's family not liking her because she was a "mud-blood", but Lily really didn't have the energy these days to listen. She just heaved a sigh and turned a page in her book, hoping Hazel would get the message.
"Look, Lily I get it ok? You're jealous that I have someone for once and you don't. You've been cranky and distant for ages and ages. But just because you're bitter doesn't mean you should take it out on me, ok?" Hazel stood up. Lily almost called after her, but she really couldn't be bothered. It just wasn't worth it. She glanced up and saw Cooper looking at her from a table by the window a few rows away from her. She quickly looked away. They hadn't spoken since their disastrous first, and last, date. Lily sighed and picked up her books. She knew she wasn't going to get anything done here now. She brought some of her books back up to the common room, but it was far too noisy. Lily, being a prefect, was tempted to use her power to make the younger students shut up, but she decided not to. It was a Saturday after all. They had all day tomorrow to do homework. But the fifth years really should be studying for their OWLs.
Lily sat down at a table in the corner and piled her books around her head, hoping that would discourage anyone who was thinking of coming over to talk to her. Not that anyone would, she thought bitterly. She was just dozing off in the warm early evening sun when she felt someone tap her shoulder. She jumped, her face unsticking from the thin page of her Herbology textbook. "Oh, hello Remus," she said, breathing quickly. She smoothed her hair down and calmed herself. She had been having a fitful dream about hooded attackers and the dark mark hovering above her house.
"Everything OK Lily?" Remus asked.
"Wha- oh, yes, of course," Lily said, smiling.
"Ok," Remus said, looking at her in a puzzled way. "Well, I just wanted to remind you that we're on duty again tonight. Lucious and Bella were meant to be on duty tonight but they bailed out."
"What?" Lily demanded. "But…but that's two weeks in a row we'll be on duty on a Saturday!" She said, the injustice of it getting to her. "Stupid Slytherins." She muttered angrily.
"I know. Lucious says he's a bit 'off color'". Lily snorted derisively.
"As if," she muttered.
"I know," Lupin agreed, nodding. Well, I'll meet you here at 8:30?" he asked.
"Yeah," Lily said, sighing resignedly. He waved over his shoulder as he returned to his seat by the fire where he was playing chess with James. Peter was practically wetting himself I na seat nearby, and Sirius, Lily could only assume, was off somewhere with Hazel. Lily turned back to her book but knew it was a lost cause. She got up and stretched her legs a bit. They were all cramped from being in the same position for so long. She went down to dinner early and ate some potatoes, beans, and carrots. She was just finishing as most people were trickling down to start their dinners. Lily returned to the dormitory to finish a bit more homework before duty. She was going to be extremely bored tomorrow. She had finished all her homework for the next week and was bored with studying. Only five more class days and then tests and then it was all over she told herself. She'd be a seventh year next year and then more school to learn to be a healer, if she could get it. But that was all in the hazy and distant future. For now all she had to worry about was how she would get through an entire summer with her mom, Petunia, and Vernon. Lily was walking towards the door when she spotted professor Slughorn.
"Professor!" she called, smiling at the fat old man. He took some getting used to, but he was really quite jovial. He had promised to suggest her to a useful contact he had in St. Mungoes, so she planned to stay on his good side.
"Lily, my dear, how are you?" he asked, his round face bursting into a smile.
"I was wondering if I could use the potions room tomorrow afternoon," she asked. "Just feeling a bit off color, wanted to whip up a headache cure," she added.
"Of course, of course," Slughorn replied cheerily. "Just as long as you're not whipping up love potions or anything," he added, chuckling. Lily frowned at his reference to that embarrassing week under the influence of Snape's love potion. Slughorn laughed at her expression and walked away to the staff table, his wide belly shaking in merriment.
That night Lily was walking around the deserted corridors, wondering why this was at all necessary. It's not like anyone was here. And if they were, what did it matter? Who cared if students wandered the corridors at night? Just as she was considering turning in for the night and abandoning her duties, she heard a loud thump around the corner. She heard heavy breathing and a giggle. That was not the kind of thing she wanted to walk in on, whatever it was.
"Excuse me," she called, putting her head around the corner. What she saw was quite a shock. Lucious and Holly groping each other against a wall in a shadowy corner. There was no mistaking his platinum blond hair or her unmistakable figure. Lily coughed, embarrassed. She thought that Lucious and Narcissa Black were dating these days. She had heard that they were even engaged to be married when they left school. Lucious pushed Holly away and sneered. He sneered at Lily and turned, walking away, not even saying goodbye to Holly.
"Holly?" Lily asked, looking at her. Holly just sniffed as a response. "Holly, why do you let him treat you like that?" Lily asked, going slightly red. He had just shoved her and walked away from her! That was not at all nice. "And isn't he with that horid Narcissa girl?" Lily asked. She wished she hadn't as she saw Holly's eyes welling up with tears.
"Oh Lily!" she gasped, throwing herself at her friend.
"There there, Holly," Lily said, patting her friend on the back confusedly.
"Lily," Holly sniffed, "Lily I wanted to tell you that were were seeing each other. I really did. But he told me that I mustn't tell anyone. He told me that if people found out he would never speak to me again."
"Holly! How can you let him just use you like that?" Lily demanded.
"He doesn't use me, Lily," Holly said, looking upset. "You really mustn't think that. He's so sweet to me when we're alone. And he told me, he told me that he loved me," Holly managed to get out around her sobs. "But-but then when we're around anyone else, or if there are people around, he's horrible!" Holly said, tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes as she swatted them away.
"Why do you let him get away with that?" Lily asked, furious at her friend's weakness.
"He says it's just because he has an image to maintain. He says no one else knows the real him. That only I really get to see what he's like. He says he really does love me, and he wants to be with me. He said that his mother is ill and it would kill her if she thought he wasn't with Narcissa, so Narcissa can't suspect. And he says that if she saw him being nice to a girl as-as intimidating and as-as beautiful as I am. He says that if she saw that she'd be suspicious and-and she's be jea-jealous and she-she'd put a stop to it." Holly spluttered, choking back her sobs. "Lily, I don't know what to do! I love him so much, Lily. You really can't tell anyone about this. If it got around then we'd be finished. He'd never speak to me again." Privately Lily thought that might be for the best, but outwardly she was nothing but sympathy and comfort for Holly.
The next morning Lily made her way down to the dungeons to make a headache remedy for herself. Or at least, that's what she told people she was making. What she actually wanted to do was make a potion of her own invention. A cure for loneliness. She intended to take bits and pieces of a few different potions, a social potion which made the drinker less inhibited in crowds of people they didn't know, a happiness draft, and a few more ingredients which would make the potion work. She had thought of it the week before while watching Sirius and James attempt to make their own new type of potion in class. They had failed miserably, but they did not have her natural gift for potion. Somehow the ingredients made sense to her. She could tell what would work and what wouldn't. She entered the potions room at around ten o'clock, intending to have some thereputic time alone in the cool, dark dungeon. Unfortunately this did not turn out to be possible. She did not notice him at first, is was not until she was lighting the fire under her cauldron when she heard him shifting around behind her, opening the store cupboard. She nearly jumped out of her skin. It was Severus Snape, skulking around in the shadows. He returned to his cauldron and tressel table, bending over his potions text book and pressing his nose against the page, writing in his tiny, cramped scrawl. Lily sneered and turned around, looking back at the instructions in her own book.
She saw that he social potion called for a crushed newt's left front foot. She knew that this would be a key ingredient to her potion, but she was out of newts. When she checked the supply cupboard, it was also empty of newts. She gritted her teeth and turned to face Snape.
"Excuse me?" she asked.
"What?" he sneered, his lip curling back aggressively.
"I was just wondering if you had an extra newt that I could use," she asked.
"I do, but salamanders are more effective in most potions," he told her.
"I'm the one who told you that in the first place," she snapped back at him. He blushed, reminded of the long hours they had spent in the dungeons together mixing potions back when they had been friends and when they had dated.
"Right," he said. "Then why do you want a newt?" he snarled.
"Because, you twit, and salamander skin wouldn't mix well with the sliced shrivelfig, would it?" she said.
"No, it would make it poisoness," he replied, blushing again.
"Exactly. So please don't correct me on my choice of ingredients. I think we both know which one of us is superior at potions." Lily said to him, triumphant. Cutting down Snape in potions always made her feel better about herself. Sometimes he could get extremely cocky. They used to have arguments about this kind of thing all the time. Arguments where Lily usually came out on top. Snape handed over the newt, scowling. He bent back over his book, scrawling another note in the margin.
Lily went on working with her potion, and was just sitting back to let it simmer for seven minutes when she heard a disgruntled cry from the back of the room.
"What?" Lily asked with interest as she looked at Snape sucking on his finger and hopping up and down.
"These Sopophorous beans won't give me a enough juice," Snape told her grudgingly.
"They can be very tempermental," Lily observed, approaching his table and looking on with interest. "It works much better if you crush them with the side of a silver dagger," she told him.
"Of course, the silver won't contaminate the liquid and is strong enough to release all the juice!" Snape cried out, slapping his forehead. He began crushing the beans and soon had more than enough juice. He nodded at Lily gratefully. Lily smiled and returned to her table to siphon off the top layer of potion that should have hardened while it simmered.
Half an hour later Lily had a happily bubbling potion that was robbins egg blue. She took a flask of it and bottled it. It seemed a shame to waste the rest of it. She wrote out the process she had gone through carefully in case it worked so that she could replicate it and bottled another sample to give to Slughorn. She moved the rest of the cauldron to the back table in hopes of saving it. She didn't know how long the potion's effects would last. She left the dungeon and went outside, a little hesitant to try the potion in case it had negative side effects. She steeled herself and took a long gulp. A warmth spread through her almost instantly. She was satisfied and full in a way that she rarely ever was. She wasn't worried or anxious about her exams and she felt completely at peace. She made a mental note that she was slightly light headed so that she could jot down the effects later. Her legs were feeling slightly tingly too, as if she was floating. Her arms too felt as though they were going to float up in the air, defying gravity. Perhaps if she added in some think gooey substance it would counteract those effects, she should ask Slughorn later what would be good.
Lily made her way over to the lake and put her feet in, happy for the early summer sun and the cool lake. She was not sorry to be alone, the potion really had cured loneliness. Perhaps she would go and seek out people though, those were probably the effects of the social potion taking effect. She spotted James, Sirius, Lupin, Peter, and Hazel all under a shady beech tree not too far from her. She waved, but then decided she would just stay by herself. She was happy only keeping herself company. A minute later she looked up to see James walking towards her. She waved a smiled, happy for company but not craving it. He sat down beside her and took off his shoes, dipping his feet in the water.
"What's up, Lily?" James asked.
"Oh, nothing!" Lily said, almost giddy with happiness. She was a little surprised at the sound of her own voice. She was almost laughing.
"You're awfully happy," James said dubiously.
"Yes I am," Lily nodded, holding out her potion flask to him. "Try some, it's a wonderful feeling," she told him.
"What is it?" he asked doubtfully.
"My own invention. A cure for loneliness," she was not at all embarrassed or ashamed, remarkably.
"Why were you making a cure for loneliness?" he asked, startled.
"Because I was feeling all alone. But now I don't care about that. I'm happy to be alone. Or to be with people. It doesn't matter. It's a very floaty feeling. You should try it." She told him, still holding the flask out to him.
"Okay," he said, taking it from her and taking a gulp. He shivered a little and then smiled.
"Can you feel your arms and legs tingling?" she asked eagerly.
"Yeah," he said, startled. "I see what you mean about he floaty feeling…" he said slowly, a goofy grim still on his face. Lily grinned back. James leapt up, "I want to fly," he said and ran off the get his broom. Lily turned back to the lake, not sorry to see him go but not please either. A minutes later, as she was lying on her back looking up at the clouds floating above her, she saw James. He was riding on his broom back over to her.
"Fancy a ride?" he asked, hovering with his toes in the water right in front of her. Lily looked doubtful, but then shrugged. She had no fear. She swung her leg over the back of the broom and clutched his waist. The floating sensation only increased once she was in the air.
"I want to touch a cloud," Lily told him eagerly. As a response James sped directly upward. Lily thought they should have reached the clouds by now, but she still couldn't touch them. It was very cold up here. "Down now," Lily told him stupidly as she shivered. James went into a steep dive that made Lily close her eyes and squeeze James even tighter. They plummeted through the air. Lily could feel the potion wearing off and screamed, opening her eyes. She could see the lake racing towards them and screamed louder, knowing she was going to drown. James pulled out of the dive at the last second, their feet skimming the surface of the water. Lily's hair was stuck up all around her from the wind. As soon as they were over land again Lily let go and jumped off the broom, curling up on the ground and shaking.
James stopped and dismounted, coming over to her.
"Lily?" James asked softly. The potion seemed to have worn off him too.
"What were you thinking?" Lily demanded, leaping to her feet with her hands on her hips.
"You said you wanted to touch the clouds..." James said hesitantly.
"Clearly I was drugged out on some potion. That is obviously not what I wanted! You know I hate flying! You know I'm afraid of heights!" Lily shrieked, brushing her hand through her hair.
"Lily," James said soothingly. "Lily calm down," James said. That was the wrong thing to say.
"Calm down! Don't you tell me to calm down Mr. Big Shot quiddich player super star flyer! It's all right for some! You like flying! I don't! You almost killed me!" Lily yelled, turning and running away, dropping the flask behind her. She rand back up to Gryffindor tower and smashed the flask against the common room wall. She looked out the window and saw James walking towards the castle. She quickly walked up the stairs to the girl's dormitory and shut herself in her bed. She wanted to take the potion again, but didn't think it would be a good idea. She needed to figure out something she could add that would put a little bit of the inhibitions back into the drinker. Being fearless was not the effect she had wanted.