Craig Manning
June 28, 2006
I sit in my desk chair wondering why. Why my mom left us. Why my dad beat me. Why my dad died. Why I was forced to live in this man's house. Why God chose me to receive this horrible disease. Why everything happened the way it did.
And the answers all come down to her. The "her" that had broken my heart every way a person could. The "her" that was the only person that understood me. The "her" that loved me so and yet, needed to get away from me.
And why was she the answer to everything? Because it was our destiny to meet, to date, and to fall in love. Of course, it was also destiny for us to separate. But destiny made us fall in love and that's all that matters.
Naturally, I still love her. So, why didn't I go get her when she was calling out to me on that warm summer's day? I didn't need to ask that. There were two reasons, one standing beside myself and the other standing beside her.
I loved neither of them, Manny or Ellie. But, too much had gone on between us for it not to feel awkward approaching Ashley and confessing my love for her, my undying love for her. So, I stood next to my said girlfriend, Manny, and smiled my way through the day.
The next day, I saw her and Jimmy on a date at the movies. It was obvious that she truly no longer loved me the way I loved her.
And, that's what brought me here, to my desk, to my journal, to my suicide. I held in my hand a glass of murky-looking water with at least 3 bottles of dissolved Prozac in it, contemplating my life.
Joey will probably find this journal after I'm gone. I don't want him to try to revive me, because I can't live, knowing that Ashley Kerwin doesn't love me. That is why I want Joey to give this journal to her after my passing, to show her all the pain she has caused and, most of all, that my love for her never faded, not even during my darkest hour.
And so, I now raise that murky water to my lips and toast to my life, my sucky, stupid life. Cheers!