There's Something About Bradley

or Roy and Riza Stage a Coup!

(A mission in 5 phases)

There are few problems in life that cannot be eased by the proper application of explosives. -Roy Mustang, allegedly.

Quick a/n: I'll never forget the first time I saw Fuhrer Bradley in an episode. As far as I could tell, he was hitting on Riza. I decided then and there that no matter what happened, no matter how evil this guy tried to be in the future, I would never treat him a serious character. And I never did.

Starring:

Colonel Roy Mustang: You'll never be anything but a colonel!

Lt. Riza Hawkeye: Does anyone know how to spell Luietnat... Lootenit... Lieautenat?

Armstrong: Was actually dismissed from Military service 10 years ago... but he keeps coming, so they just let him be.

Brigadier General Havoc: Smokes like a chimney. Talks like a Mustang.

Frank Archer: Like a cockroach, or an Elric, not so easy to get rid of.

Izumi: Maybe we were a little quick to blame Wrath's problems on Envy.

Ross:... what mole?

K. F. Bradley: Kentucky Fried Leader

Joy: Brad's wife... does that make her Queen Fuhrer Joy?

Shinji: Brad's kid. The littlest Eva pilot goes Fullmetal (He does have a name, but nobody cares what it is, and it starts with S, so close enough.)

Sciesca and Winry: Budding Conspiracy Theorists.

Juliette Douglas: Bitter rivals with Sciesca over the coveted "Small Abused Secretary" award

Pinako: And you thought Dante was all the crazy old lady this place could hold.

Hoenheim: Oh, yeah, the union requires we throw an Elric in here.

Feury, Ed, Al, Russell, Fletcher, Tucker, misc. Military personnel, and assorted Sins: The "I can't pay you, but I'll put your name in the credits" list

The War Council: Bradley's poker buds

Briefing:

Stop Homunculi Discrimination in the workplace! Send KalliopeStarmist a dollar!

But, seriously, folks, you have to search far and wide to find two less evil/dangerous homunculi than Sloth and Pride.

Naturally, they've got to go.

Phase 1: To Rizambul We Go! (Hie Hoenheim!)

"This is where you grew up?" Sciesca asked her new best friend, Winry, as they disembarked from their train at a vast expanse of grass and dirt road.

"Yup. Welcome to Rizambul," the blond answered while flipping through a pamphlet she had picked up at Central Station, "Life On The Lam; An Affordable Vacation." "Oh, and don't look now, but there's a creepy old guy following us. He was pretty much checking me out on the way up here."

Sciesca barely had time to gasp before the man actually walked right up to Winry and tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Sarah?"

"STRANGER DANGER!" shouted the blond, kicking the pedophile where it hurts and running towards her home with Sciesca. "I learned my lesson with Barry the Chopper! No way I'm getting into your van!"

------------------------

"It is funny, though," she mused as the pair caught their breaths in the safety of the Rockbell residence. "Because Sarah just happens to be the name of my mother who died a horrible, needless death at the hands of Roy Mustang," she winked at the camera, adding, "on this, more later. Granny! I'm on the run from Space Aliens, so my friend is spending the night!"

"Ok," Pinako agreed, as someone knocked on the door. It was... the creepy pedophile!

"Hey, Pinako," he greeted, ignoring the panicked cries from the two girls. "My house burned down, my wife's dead, and I can't remember if we had kids, but if we did, they aren't here, so can I spend the night?"

"Of course. Winry! Stop screaming! It's just Mr. Elric."

Winry and Sciesca peeked out cautiously from behind the couch. "Ed and Al's dead beat dad who abandoned them and their mother to a life of poverty? Hoenheim, right?"

Before he could respond, Lt. Ross and her platonic friend burst in. "There's a price on the Elric Brothers' heads!"

"That's right," Hoenheim mumbled to himself, as he often did, "we did have kids."

"What did they do this time?" asked Winry, Pinako, and Sciesca.

"Blew up Lior, helped out the homunculi," (the author takes this to mean that they lent Lust a quarter to make a phone call once.) "and skipped town."

"Oh no! Ed and Al don't work well under pressure, so they're undoubtably headed back here right now! How are we going to reach them before the Military does?" Winry gasped.

Hoenheim, apparently bored with the conversation, stared off into the distance. "Y'know, it used to be that if you crossed those mountains, the laws of space and time would warp, and you would end up in the dessert." Sciesca and Winry dashed off, and the man turned to Ross. "So, now that we're alone,"

------------

"Say, can I have a soda?" Roy asked the clerk at the convenience store where he, his crew, and Sciesca and Winry had stopped for a breather.

Winry burst into tears. "I bet you drank a lot of soda. When you were killing innocent people in Ishbala!"

Roy stared at her, puzzled and annoyed. "Who are you?" Winry just cried. "Hey, Sciesca, word of advice. Next time you decide to go on the run, don't ask for a personal day and tell everyone where you're going."

"But... but... but... Juliette Douglas died ten years ago! And even if she was alive, she'd be over fifty!"

"With that perfect skin?" Armstrong asked, impressed.

"So we tapped her phone, and she's Ed's mother!" Winry gasped.

"And now she's pissed and she killed Hughes!" Sciesca added.

"And we've taken it upon ourselves to fill his spot as comic relief characters!"

"Because you guys have just been way too angsty ever since he died!"

Roy took a step back. "Let's just calm down. Where'd Ross go?"

----------------

"I once loved a woman with raven black hair like yours," Hoenheim sighed, talking to Ross, who smiled, amazed.

"That," she said, "is the worst pickup line I have EVER heard. First, it's always a bad idea to mention former girlfriends on a date, second, I know for a fact that you ain't talking about Trisha, because she had light brown hair, and therefore you're talking about your psychotic, dangerous ex-lover Dante, who for the record, you claim not to love, and who really does have black hair, and third and final, I have a message from your son, Ed." And with that, Ross punched him in the stomach. Her friend with the not-so-secret crush on her cheered, just as Roy and his minions came into view, Havoc and Feury in the lead. Havoc had his gun drawn and pointed at Feury, who was taunting him with a pack of smokes.

"I mean it! I'll shoot!" said Havoc.

"Nanna Nanna boo boo!" said Feury.

BANG! said the gun

"Fuhrer Bradley is a homunculus!" yelled Al, jumping in the way on accident and deflecting the bullet so that it only grazed Feury.

"And his secretary is an alien!" yelled Sciesca, ignoring Feury's screams of pain.

"Actually, no, she's the homunculus that Brother and I created when we attempted to revive our mother, but close enough!" yelled Al.

"Feury! Havoc! Armstrong! Hawkeye! Ross! Ross's Platonic Friend!" Roy yelled, "This is shocking! Who knew that the government was corrupt?"

"Why couldn't you have rebelled when you were in Ishbala?" cried Winry

Roy rounded on her. "What is your problem?" Winry just cried. "Come on, troops! We have to go kill Bradley!"

"Um... you can't really kill a homuc-," Hoenheim and Al tried fruitlessly to warn them. "Fine. Your funeral."

Phase 2: Confrontation (Avenging Mas Huggles)

On the way back to Central HQ, Roy had come up with a plan.

Fuhrer Bradley smiled when the disgruntled colonel broke into his office unannounced. "Mustang. What a pleasant surprise. What up?" he greeted, while trying to peer around Roy's shoulder and figure out what had happened to his guards.

Roy whipped out a gun. "You're a homunculus."

Bradley set down his coffee and moved slowly over to Roy, all the while speaking in quiet, soothing tones, "Ok, Roy, I know you've been under a lot of stress lately, it's ok, I understand, we'll get you the help you need, just take a deep breath," he gently removed the gun from Roy's hand. "JUMP HIM, SLOTH!"

----------------------

Riza was waiting for him when Roy stumbled out of the office, rather wet, sporting a fat lip, a black eye, and various cuts and bruises. She had told him from the beginning that it was a bad idea. "So, how did it go?" she asked sarcastically.

"Shut-up." snapped Roy. "I have a plan B."

--------------------

That night, or, rather, at 3 the next morning, Sciesca was shaken awake by Winry, who looked panicked and was holding a photograph.

"Wazzamatter?" Sciesca asked, fumbling for her glasses.

Winry waved the photo around frantically. "I don't look anything like my mother!"

Sciesca glanced at the picture, and decided that this was true, even without finding her glasses. She tried to go back to sleep, but Winry wouldn't let her.

"There's no way in hell anyone could ever confuse the two of us! So how did Ed's dad mix us up?"

Sciesca's eyes widened. "So that means..."

"He really was hitting on me!" Winry whimpered.

-------------------

Bright and early the next day, Roy (his bruises covered by Riza's makeup foundation that she never used) weaseled his way into the meeting of The War Council.

"I'll see your 10 and raise you a 5," said one of the old geezers with his back to the door as Roy entered, throwing down a few poker chips.

One of the others coughed. "Uh, Stan,"

The man glanced over his shoulder, saw Roy, and pulled out a file. The cards in everyone's hands seemed to vanish. "As I was saying, we need to do something about this problem... um... up North."

The others nodded pensively, watching Roy out of the corner of their eyes, as if expecting him to speak up before it became obvious that they didn't know what they were talking about. "North. Yeah. It's a pretty serious problem, the North. Full of snow."

Roy cleared his throat and whispered, in an I-was-told-to-report-to-the-principal's-office voice, "Hello. I have this report to file..." He handed a thick, important-looking stack of papers over to the nearest guy, who looked suspiciously like the Hokage from Naruto, who glanced at it and passed it down the line to Bradley, who didn't realize at first that there was a thick report in front of him, because he had buried his head in his hands disgustedly when Roy walked in.

"Sir, there's this report..."

"I see it, I see it," growled Brad peevishly, picking up the paper and squinting at it. "The results of an investigation on the death of Brigadier General..." there was a long pause. "Mas... Huggles?"

"Maes Hughes, sir."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what I said... wait, did you say 'Maes'? As in... more than one woman named Mae?" Roy nodded. "Whoa. That's even more tragic than his death. I think I might cry... Anyway, moving on, Mas Huggles,"

"Maes Hughes, sir," Roy repeated.

"It's Huggles from here on out," Bradley ordered, flipping through the file. "Hey! Are you accusing my secretary of murdering him?"

"I think she may have been involved, yes."

"My secretary?" Bradley asked again, still not quite believing it. "Have you ever met my secretary? My secretary doesn't even like to kill mice. She puts out those little 'humane' mouse traps that don't work."

"Yeah, where is Juliette today?" asked another War Councillor, who looked suspiciously like Sir Cornello from the beginning of the show. (I swear, he's in there! Look for him!)

"She took the day off... I hope she's ok."

"Maybe her kid's sick or something," a Fyuuski look-alike suggested. (Yeah, I'm an Eva hoser, how'd you guess?)

"Kid?" Roy asked, "she has a kid?"

"Yup, a little ten-year-old." Bradley grinned, silently communicating the concept of "picking on the single mother... smooth one, Mustang."

Roy gulped. He knew it was unwarranted, but he felt like a bad person.

"Still," continued the Fuhrer, "very courageous of you to submit this." Very stupid, too, he thought to himself. "The State needs more men like you." Our burger joints need more minimum-wage laborers.

Phase 3: The Ol' Switcheroo (Wait, What's Going On?)

Later, Roy slipped sheepishly in to the hospital room where Riza was directing affairs. "That's it, Havoc," she commanded the solider who was wrapping gauze around one of his friends. "Just... cover his whole head," she waved languidly at him, turning perkily to the room's new occupant. "Hi, Roy! Look, Feury's still bleeding!"

"Where've you been?" the mummified figure asked.

"Well, I confronted the Fuhrer, filed an official report accusing his secretary of murder, and basically insinuated that he was involved, too." Havoc's mouth dropped open, and he stopped wrapping Feury. "And I'm beginning to believe Al," Feury twitched, thinking He did all that not believing Al? "Not only is he a homunculus, but all of these wars have been planned," Roy continued, staring pensively out the window. "I'm a solider. I don't mind war, but if it's for the wrong reasons,"

Havoc couldn't stand it any more. "Wrong reasons?" he exploded. "Colonel, we just BLEW UP an entire city because we thought Scar, one, single, solitary man, might be there, and you were fine with that. What the hell do you consider a wrong reason?"

Roy was about to respond, but Feury jumped in, his voice calm, but muffled by the bandages. "And how did the Fuhrer react to all this?" he asked, a nervous tic going on his arm.

The colonel pulled out some papers. "I got promoted. This entire unit is supposed to go up North and sit around enemy territory."

Havoc sat like a stone. "He's going to arrange to have us killed so we look like war casualties, isn't he?" When Roy nodded, the blond man jumped on him, trying to strangle him. "This is all your fault! What on earth were you trying to prove to him? How did you think he was going to react? Now we're all going to die, I'm never gonna see my mom again,"

With a little effort, Roy pushed his assailant onto the bed next to Feury, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "Jean Havoc, I'm afraid you and Cain Feury have been declared unfit for combat and will not be joining us. I'm sorry, boys. I know how bad you wanted to do this. Come, Hawkeye, we have to go prepare."

After Roy and Riza left, Havoc smiled at his invalid companion. "You know, I've always thought of Mustang as an arrogant ass who never thinks of anything but himself and his political standing... but, underneath it all, he really is a loyal, compassionate man who doesn't hesitate to put himself in danger for the benefit of others."

--------------------

The next day, wearing a black wig, and preparing to stage a dangerous, mutinous mission and risk his life while Roy and Riza sat around the hospital, Havoc turned to Feury, who was dressed as a blond woman. "Never mind. He's an ass."

"Ah, well, he's still Colonel Mustang," Feury shrugged with a grin, helping his comrade climb aboard their own, personal tank. He pointed at a window, where the silhouettes of Roy and Riza watched them. "Want to get back at them?"

Havoc gazed slyly around the crowded parade ground. "I sure do. Riza, baby," he declared as loudly as possible, wrapping his arms around Feury, and attracting stares from everybody around, "I love ya. Now, gimme that tongue of yours!"

If looks could kill, Roy and Riza would have been the world's most effective snipers at that moment. Their eyes positively glowed red as cheers erupted around the tank. In general, the Military was thinking that is was about time already.

Havoc and Feury pulled away from each other, blew sarcastic kisses at the couple in the window, and jumped into the tank, shouting, "Ok, Armstrong, let's get this coup on the road! ROAD TRIP! YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Cheering war cries, and forgetting that none of them knew how to drive a tank, the Mustangettes barreled off North.

----------------------

Meanwhile, Bradley was having a few technical difficulties.

"Come on, Envy! You promised to kill these guys for me!"

"NO! I won't!" shrieked Envy moodily.

"But... you promised!"

Dante swept into the room, carrying a portable CD player. "Don't mind him, Pride, he's in one of his moods again. Here, sweetheart. Take your Simple Plan."

Envy grabbed the Walkman from her and ran out of the room, crying.

Phase 4: The Meaning of Life Itself (Happy Birthday, Shinji!)

"Homunculus," Roy muttered to himself from the backseat.

"Mustang, why can't you sit up front with me like a normal human being?" Riza snapped, swerving around a PT Cruiser.

"One, I'm afraid of how you drive, Two, I get carsick if I sit up front and read," he explained distractedly, returning to his dictionary. "Homunculus...H. O... munculus... M... oh, here it is! Homunculus, noun, plural Homunculi,"

WHAM! BAM! THUNKTHUNKTHUNK!

Roy slammed the tome shut as Riza slammed on the breaks, simultaneously leaning on the horn and shouting, "Watch the road, ass hole! Stupid kid just jumped right on top of the car!"

Roy opened his door to see the damage, and Ed poked his head out feebly from underneath the car. "Hey there, Colonel. I fell out the window," he explained, pointing at an open window in the apartment complex they were passing in front of.

Scar and Marta popped their heads out the window. "Sorry, Edo! Hey, while you're down there, could you run to the store and grab us some popcorn?... and baby formula, we need that."

Ed climbed into the backseat next to Roy. "Hey, could you guys drop me off at the store?"

"Sure," Riza shrugged, stepping on the gas.

"So... where're you two going?" Ed asked, making conversation.

"We're going to avenge Hughes by overthrowing Bradley. How this will avenge Hughes, I have no clue, but it will, because he's a homunculus. Bradley. Not Hughes."

"Hmm," said Ed thoughtfully. "You're giving up your childhood dreams in order to pursue higher truths."

Roy nodded pensively. "I think, therefore, I am."

Up front, Riza swerved to avoid hitting a van. "Sightsee on your own time!" she shouted, honking like a mad woman.

-------------------------

Back at Headquarters, Izumi Curtis was staging her own little coup d'etat against the Military's higher-ups.

"All right, bitch! Court says I get custody of Wrath Tuesdays and Thursday, so fork him over!"

As she continued her search for Ms Douglas and the world's most disputed child, the Inspector Gadget themesong rang through the air, and none other than Frank Archer (now with automail half!) lurched into the hall. He poised his arm/giant machine gun right behind Izumi's head...

"DIE, obviously evil entity!" Ross shouted, knocking Izumi around the corner, firing her gun and failing miserably to hit Archer.

"Ha. Ha. Ha," he laughed in a metallic Austrian accent. "Foolish mortal. You cannot kill me, for I have developed an accent similar to Arnold Shwartzenegger's."

"VIVA LA REVOLUTION!" yelled Izumi and Ross. Izumi took a few pot shots at his metal half, apparently unaware that this would be useless.

Archer turned and ran back down the hall, yelling, "Bradley! Ross and Izumi are picking on me!"

"He started it!" the two women yelled, following him.

------------------------

"You have to live life to love life, and you have to love life to live life," Roy sighed, his latest theory in the profound discussion he and the other backseat passenger were involved in.

"It's a vicious cycle," Ed agreed. "Reality is only a collective hunch."

His fellow philosopher nodded. "You've got to take the bitter with the sour."

Riza leaned on the horn, weaving wildly through the traffic. "Yo! Disraeli and Socrates! Do either of you know where we're going?"

------------------

Truth be told, Fuhrer Bradley was more proud of his son than anything else in the world. After all, the boy had made it to ten without becoming a serial killer/dying, which was one up on the Tuckers, Curtises, and Elrics. "Happy birthday, Simel."

"... Shinji, dad," the little boy corrected.

"Right, sorry, Shinji." Had she been there, Sloth would have twitched. All the times Bradley forgot her name, he'd never once apologized. Bastard.

Shinji, for his part, didn't care much that his father couldn't always remember his name. When he was very young, his mother had sat him down and explained that his dad was... well, a little bit peculiar. (In fact, her exact words were "Crackpot")

--------------------

Ed was feeling a little bit guilty for not sharing some vital information with the Avengers, and when they dropped him at the store, he felt obliged to say something. "Um... you guys do realize that the only way to kill a homunculus is to get them near the remains of the human they were created to replace, right?"

Roy blinked at him like a cow at an oncoming train. "Don't worry about us. We'll get 'er done."

"No, seriously! The only way you could possibly manage to kill Bradley is if he happened to have like, a bunch of old bones from his original sitting around his library, and I know he's a spaz, but he's not that stupid,"

Roy and Riza laughed at him and drove off. Ed slammed his head against the wall of the Seven-Eleven. "Fine. Your funeral, Colonel Dumbass."

"It's Brigadier General Dumbass now, Shorty!" honked the car, which had done a U-turn to get back in the right direction again.

Phase 5: Rats in the Wine Cellar (Roy Hasn't Worked Out All The Kinks Yet...)

Bradley, Joy, and Shinji were sitting around their living room, just chilling, which was difficult, insomuch as there were armed guards everywhere as a security measure.

"Krzk. Flaming Avenger to Puppy Death, are you in position, Puppy Death? Over and out, Krzk."

"Did that sound like a walkie-talkie to anyone else?" Bradley asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer.

"It sounded like it was coming from outside," Joy observed , snapping her fingers at a random guard. "Ryan, go check the door."

"Krzk. Mustang, this is stupid. You're going to get us killed. Krzk."

"Krzk. Please use code names, Puppy Death. Over and Out. Krzk."

Riza was about to respond angrily to her accomplice, but Ryan found her and yanked her inside, so she very quickly hid the walkie-talkie in her jacket.

"Lt. Hawkeye, can I ask what you're doing here?" Bradley asked unamusedly.

Riza did her even best to conjure up a smile. "Um... Can I interest you in some girl scout cookies? I'm selling them for my niece."

-------------------

Up North, the Mustangettes were racing through the terrain, shooting paint ball guns, whistling at any women they happened to pass, and trying desperately to find the brakes.

---------------------

Riza was fidgeting uncomfortably in her spotlight position. "Um, sir, there's a really good explanation for all this," she started, briefly considering ratting Mustang out and earning herself some major brownie points.

Before she could form together a plausible story, though, a huge crashing sound, not unlike a shelf full of bottles being knocked over, followed by a very loud, "Shorry, ma'am!" came from the general direction of the basement.

"Do you hear that?" Joy gasped. "It sounds like a disgruntled Military official has broken into the wine cellar and is singing drinking songs!"

"Not again," groaned Ryan, the guard.

"It's probably just rats," Bradley grumbled, leaving in the direction of the basement stairs. "I'll go check it out."

Riza actually looked a little disturbed. "You guys must have big rats."

-------------------------

Roy leaned against a wine rack to support himself (for some reason or another, the room was spinning rather violently), and pulled out another bottle, reading the label thoughtfully. "This was a very good year... expensive stuff, this," he informed Bradley, who had just walked in, looking just a tad bit angry.

"Mustang, why are you in my basement surrounded by half-empty wine bottles, and why is your longtime romance interest Riza in my living room?"

"Hey!" Roy snapped, trying to stand up and leaning back again dizzily. "We'll have no mention of Royai! I'm in com- com- charge here!"

"You're stinking drunk in my basement, how are you in charge?"

Grinning, Roy pointed an unsteady hand at the door. "Because in five, four, three, two, one, GO!" Right on cue, the door slammed shut, and glowed red, alchemized shut. "I rigged it. We're stuck here. Just you and me. That's what the whole master plan led up to! Havoc and Feury and Armstrong covering for us with that little mutiny of theirs, Riza alerting you that it was me down here so you'd come alone... all for this."

Bradley bit the inside of his lip aggravatedly. "And now that we're trapped, what were you planning?"

The grin wiped itself off Roy's face. "I ... uh... well, I..." he stuttered, finally pulling the cork out of the expensive wine with his teeth and draining the bottle in panic. "I guess I'm gonna kill you with my alchemy skills."

Bradley actually grinned and started contemplating ways to dispose of the body. "Does this, by any chance, have something to do with me being," Apparently an FX man was hiding in one of the barrels, because uber-dramatic music echoed through the chamber as the Fuhrer ripped off his eyepatch, revealing a peeper that would make any optometrist cry like a baby, "a homunculus?"

Roy paused to think about this. "Well, when you put it that way, it makes me sound kinda intolerant of different heritages..." he whispered to himself, saying, more loudly, "I could care less about whether or not you can call yourself human. I'm doing this to avenge Hughes."

"But... I didn't kill Hughes. I didn't even know who he was until I got the office memo telling me to bring meatloaf to the funeral."

Roy paused to think again, finally shrugging, "Then, yeah, I'm killing you because you're a homunculus. And now that we've cleared that up," the inebriated man smiled, snapping his fingers and causing a huge explosion, almost killing Roy himself. After all, what do you expect when a drunk flame alchemist attempts to kill someone in a confined space full of highly flammable alcohol?

Mustang slumped against the wall, ignoring the pain from the burns covering his body. He could very well die of his injuries, but it didn't matter anymore. Nothing could have lived through the receiving end of that blast, nothing. It was over. He had done what he set out to do.

"Ok, so it's my turn now?" Fuhrer Bradley asked peppily, emerging from the fire completely unscathed, sword drawn.

It was then that Roy realized that he had bitten off just a little more than he could chew.

------------------

Joy had graciously offered her a seat, and Riza felt it was her duty to start a conversation to lighten up the atmosphere a little. "So," she started, fidgeting, "you folks catch Lost last night?"

A huge rumble, like a room full of wine exploding underground, shook the house. The fire sprinklers went off, drenching the three of them.

"Rats," Joy muttered sarcastically to herself as her sopping-wet hair fell in her eyes.

--------------

"Hey, everybody!" Russell and his little brother Fletcher greeted Ross and Izumi in the Experimental Weapons section of Head Quarters. "We heard there was a revolution going on, so we thought we'd stop by."

"The more, the merrier!" Ross beamed, picking up a green, lumpy, hand-sized explosive of some sort. "Oh, what happens when you pull this pin?" she asked herself, tossing the ball in the air. It exploded next to an old couch, making the couch stand up, revealing a very poorly done bear chimera.

"Watch it, I'm trying to sleep!" it barked.

"Whoa!" gasped Russell, Fletcher, Izumi, and Ross, taking a step back. "Aren't you Nina Tucker's crazy father who sacrificed her for his work by turning her into a chimera in a tragic episode that was completely unnecessary for the advancement of the overall plot?"

"Why does everybody remember me that way?" the professor asked himself. "What are you kids doing here, anyway?"

"Mustang told us to make a lot of noise here at Central while he killed the Fuhrer."

"That's gonna be a little hard... Homunculi can be tricky..."

Everyone gasped. "You knew Bradley was a homunculus?"

"Yes... I thought everyone knew. It wasn't exactly a secret. Actually, I think it was in the office newsletter once... see?" Tucker riffled through some papers, pulling out a little memo sheet.

"Well no wonder we didn't know," Ross laughed. "Nobody reads the office newsletter."

---------------------

Roy had recovered a little bit of his strength, but he still had to lean against the cabinet to stand upright. Wait... what cabinet?

"What are we doing in your kitchen?" he gasped bewilderedly, peering through the flames at the room he and Bradley had suddenly relocated to.

"The old episode ended," shrugged the Fuhrer as though this was common knowledge. "A new one began."

"That doesn't explain anything," Roy whimpered, completely unnerved. A bottle of vodka shattered in the background. "And why is there so much liquor in your house? I mean, I'm an alcoholic, and my house doesn't have this much booze."

Another bottle of spirits burst into flames.

"You're asking an awful lot of irrelevant questions for some who's about to die," Bradley pointed out, impaling Roy's heart on one of his handy-dandy swords.

Roy's death scream stopped as he realized he was in no danger of dying. Dumbfounded, he and Bradley stared at the supposedly mortal wound, then back at each other. "Uh... should that have killed me?" Roy asked.

"Yes... I don't get it... I don't care who you are, the third degree burns and the giant hole in your shoulder could kill anyone," Bradley muttered angrily. "The only way you could have survived that was if you were..."

And Roy understood. "Ed must have died... making me the new bishie main character! Score! Who da main character? That's right, Mustang's da main character!"

"But, you forget,"Bradley grinned evilly. "As the last bishie eligible for main character, you are all that stands in the way of the homunculi and their own spin off series. Good bye, Mustang, hello, Everybody Loves Envy."

---------------------

Riza was actually enjoying being evacuated back to Central with Joy and Shinji. After all, it wasn't often that she was the passenger in a car, since she was one of five military members with a valid drivers' licence. She was a little disappointed when they stopped in the middle of the road, though.

The driver got out of the car to parley with Archer, who was blocking the road rather effectively. "Hey, what's your problem? We've got to get to Headquarters!"

"Oh, no you don't. The place is a frickin' war zone!"

"I don't believe you!"

"Go see for yourself. I'm headed to Bradley's place."

"It's on fire!"

"I don't believe you!"

"Go see for yourself!"

And so, both parties continued in the direction they were going. But something seemed a little different to Riza, only she couldn't quite put her finger on it. "Hey, what happened to your kid?" she asked Joy.

The woman turned to the (empty) seat next to her. "Oh Shit."

-----------------

Roy, desperately thinking up ways to avoid being killed as soon as his new found role had begun, was the first to notice him. "Hey, isn't that your kid over there in the doorway?"

"Don't think I'm going to fall for such a stupid trick, you son of a —,"

"Daddy?"

"— Monkey," Bradley corrected himself, turning around reluctantly. "Shinji? What are you doing here?"

"I came back to get my Pokemon card collection, 'cause you always say they're gonna be valuable someday," the little boy explained, not noticing the house burning down around him, or Roy, who was still slowly bleeding to death while pinned painfully to the wall with a saber. "Oh, and this," he added, pulling a skull out of his saddlebag, "because Mommy says that she needs this if she's ever going to bump you off and collect the life insurance."

Bradley went pale, and Roy, remembering Ed's warnings, held up one of his hands. "Hey, kid, toss that thing over here!"

Shinji, still confused as to what was going on, did so, and Roy caught it, even though Bradley picked this moment to retrieve his sword from Mustang's chest, causing the alchemist to drop to the ground. "Oh, and look, I caught that rat."

Roy threw a sarcastic salute as he struggled to his feet. "Sour grapes, sir, you're still going to die."

"What ever happened to Nice, Suck-Up Mustang that we know and love?" Bradley asked, hoping to talk the man down.

Roy glared. "Pissed off Mustang killed him."

The reality of Bradley's situation seemed to be sinking in. "But... but, I can't die yet! I'm supposed to be one of the major villains, and I've only killed one lousy minor character! Even Scar got to go on random killing sprees, and he was one of the good guys! It can't end like this! If I die now, I'll only have the same number of kills as Wrath, and he's a whiny little kid! I have to kill one more person! Just one!"

Roy shrugged. "Well, it isn't going to be me. I'm the one killing you."

"Uh, dad?" Shinji butted in uncertainly. "You do realize that isn't a rat, right?"

His father smiled wickedly.

Roy gulped and hurried with the transmutation circle he was painting in blood on the back of Fuhrer sub-one's skull. He didn't like where this conversation was going...

-------------

This is a comedy, so we're going to skip over this next part. Suffice to say that, given Trisha Elric's sons, Maes Hughes' daughter, Nina Tucker, Wrath, all those Ishbalan kids, and every other small, lovable child in the series, it should come as no surprise to anyone that little Bradley Junior did not live a long full life.

Which is a real shame, since the Homunculi's Public Relations people were really counting on the sympathy factor they could get when Pride died after doing absolutely nothing evil the entire series. (Marta who?)

----------

Roy staggered out of the flaming wreckage that had once been a nice home in a decent suburb. "I... made it. I'm alive," he whispered. "Alive... I'M ALIVE!"

The ground shook a little as Archer lugged his 20 ton metal carcass up the driveway. "Vat in the Hell happened here? Mustang, I am going to have to terminate you."

Roy groaned. "Well, I had a good run," he muttered.

Fortunately, Riza was there, and apparently the most intelligent person in the Military, because she was the first to think, Gee, shooting at his metal half won't help... maybe I should aim for the fleshy side!

Archer was down for the count after one bullet.

Which didn't stop Riza from emptying her ammunition into the guy. She reloaded several times, obviously dying for the chance to shoot at, and hit, somebody.

"Uh, Hawkeye, I think he's dead now," Roy said gently. Riza jerked her head upright, and aimed for the next thing that came into her sight.

"AAHH!" screamed Roy, clutching at his eye. "You just shot me!" he gasped indignantly.

A sweatdrop appeared on Riza's forehead. "It... was an accident?"

Roy wouldn't have bought it, but he had been having an awfully long day, and the bullet through the skull cinched it. He collapsed.

--------------------

He awoke several days later in a hospital bed with Riza watching him... only this wasn't the Riza he knew. Somewhere deep within her closet, she had found a nice skirt and blouse, and she had left her actually rather pretty hair down. "Glad to see you're awake," she smiled sweetly. "You gave us quite a scare."

Roy gaped at her. "What's gotten into you, all of a sudden?"

"Oh," she laughed, "I just decided that life is too short to spend worrying if your coworkers are staring at your butt or not."

This was too deep for Roy. He turned his attention to his favorite subject, himself. "What happened to my eyes? I thought I used to have two."

Riza smiled phonily. "Why, um... you lost in... in that fight with the Fuhrer."

Her patient frowned. "That wasn't it, though... because I had it when I got out... and then Archer was there,"

Riza, searching silently around for an object to hit him over the head with causally, thus blocking the memories, clapped her hands. "Yes, that's right! He shot you! Just before I got there."

"Yeah," Roy mumbled. "That must have been it... wait! I took a bullet through the eye, why aren't I dead?"

"Well, it turns out that you don't have any brain cells left in that side of your head. All the alcohol you've downed over the years has melted them away," Riza beamed, moving over to a pushcart full of food. "Here, sweetie, are you hungry?"

Roy watched her thoughtfully. "I liked you better when you were a militant bitch."

Riza slapped him.

"Ok, everything's cool now," Roy decided, just as an army tank crashed through the wall, screeching to a halt inches from Roy's bed.

"See! I told you I could figure out how to stop this thing!" Havoc declared, climbing out, followed by his severely-shaken regiment.

"You ran out of gas," Feury pointed out, twitching.

"Which stopped it, duh," Havoc muttered. "Hey, Mustang, we heard how everything turned out, Armstrong figured out how to work the radio, and Ross filled us in. Isn't it weird that you're probably going to take over the country someday, and you've got an eyepatch on the same eye as the Fuhrer, so it'll be creepy, like you're channeling his spirit or something, and the whole vicious cycle repeats itself? Isn't that cool? We were talking about it on the way down here."

"Shut up," Roy snapped. And they all had a good laugh. Riza even brought out a very expensive bottle of wine that she had lifted out of the Fuhrer's mansion on her way out the door, and they had a little after-giant dangerous climatic battle- party.