VIII

IX

The battle raged on in such grandeur and majesty that it made everything in "Revenge of the Sith" look like bad Claymation. Lt. Boxey Wakefield (callsign Stupid Kid) braced himself for the aftershock of the impending explosion of Pegasus. He tried skimming through the manual once again to figure out how to go in reverse, but he supposed it wouldn't matter in a moment, since the only reason he was still going forward was his momentum from being shot out the launch tubes.

He remembered the day, last month, the Admiral approached him about becoming a Viper pilot.

"Boxey," Admiral Adama yelled. His voice resonated with such authority that he just wanted to hide under the sheets with his face between Dualla's knees and pray he would go away. No such luck!

"Come out of there, Boxey," Adama grunted.

Boxey, like the little wussy British boy he is, poked his head out as Dualla did her nails.

"S-sir I--"

"You're not the first to lose a class ring in there, son. Now get dressed. We need more Viper Pilots."

And the rest was history. He was able to see Pegasus cruise toward the detonation point between three basestars. He called into Galactica for further instruction.

"Galactica, Stupid Kid. Colonel Agathon I--"

"Sharon…"

X

There were no more shuttles, no raptors, no vipers, nothing to help Dee escape. It was then that Anastasia Dualla realized that Lee was lying to her when he said she was qualified to be an XO aboard a battlestar. She couldn't even turn off autopilot.

It wasn't fair. She had so much more to accomplish. She had to watch Bill Adama die so Lee could get Admiral's bars. She had to make sure Kara Thrace was actually dead on the surface. Most of all, Anastasia Dualla had to actually have an orgasm someday. Well…there was that one time she thought she might have…but….

In the greatest explosion in the history of televised fake explosions, three basestars exploded! And boy did they! Dualla's charred corpse flew out of the ball of flame like a comet…and SLAMMED RIGHT INTO BOXEY'S VIPER!

"Galactica, Stupid Kid! I'm hit I'm hit I'm--"

His only reply was static from the battlestar, as he plunged into New Caprica's atmosphere.

Far below, a single wide trailer sits on the hill overlooking New Caprica City. A bright ball of hellish fire comes down from the sky. Leoben Conoy rolls another joint on his front stoop and gets ready to see some more of the universe. He shields his eyes to look, and feels the ground tremble beneath him as Boxey's Viper and Dee's charred corpse are heading…straight…for them!

Just then a sound like a wildebeast being disemboweled in a sauna scrapes against his very soul.

"GODSDAMMIT TO HELL, LEOBEN! YOU GOT THAT JOINT ROLLED YET! I'M TRYIN' TO WATCH MY STORIES!"

It took all his energy not to drop his stash box. He had to get in there and warn her about the impending doom heading straight for them.

"Coming Kara, I--"

But it was too late. The errant Viper and XO of the Pegasus slammed into the Conoy residence, leaving an inferno of twisted wreckage!

XI

2nd Class Petty Officer Freenbean clutched onto Helo's uniform as blood spurted from his ears.

"You've…got…to do…something…Colonel Agathon!"

Helo, somewhere deep inside summoned the will to go on, and gave the order.

"Lt. Rotch, all batteries open fire and head straight for those remaining two Basestars. Do it for Sharon!"

Meanwhile, in the Admiral's quarters, Adama and Lee continued to bond.

"You see son," the Admiral said. "Everything I've done since we jumped beyond the red line was to get you ready to assume command."

Lee nodded thoughtfully, eyeing a dish full of junior mints just out of reach on the coffee table.

"Now, Lee, we both know that when Boomer shot me, I could have caught the bullets in my teeth. But I chose to let him pass into me, because you couldn't just sit there and wait for me to solve your problems…"

Lee nodded, trying to find a discreet way to reach for the minty treats without ripping out the seams in his pants as his father droned on.

"…and it all culminated in me finding the biggest idiot I could to take over Pegasus, to set the stage for you to finally grow a dick and--"

Just then, specialist Freenbean, almost out of blood burst into the room.

"Admiral, Commander! We won, the basestars are gone and we--"

Freenbean took a deep breath and his head fell off his shoulders. Megabytes and megabytes of avatars, banners, and other fan art would follow.

TO BE CONTINUED….