Tara scrunched her eyes closed, tightly enough so that cheeks nearly met eyebrows, and willed her stomach back down her throat. She decided her Wonderland experience was all a delirium. She was crazy or just trapped in a nightmare. She wasn't squashed up against a Gryphon's belly, gripped in its giant claw.
The Gryphon dropped out of one wind current, its wings heaving in swift powerful beats, until it caught another. The jolting motion snapped Tara back to reality.
She opened her eyes and saw a chessboard landscape, black and white squares, side by side, back to back, front to front, neatly laid out as far as she could see, and she saw much farther than she wished. Hoping to distract herself from dizzying heights and rebellious stomach she replayed the last few days in her head.
Now that she remembered her other life, now that she was thinking like adult sensible Tara, everything looked different.
Everything – even Spike.
Tara compared the Spike beside her with the Spike lying on the Magic Box floor, and she could see the same man. Real-World Spike was dangerous and Real-World Tara was afraid of him, but she could see the good in him. Wonderland Spike was gentler and kinder but she could see the bad in him.
But what she saw in her own self frightened her the most. More than the terrible height and dizzying vista, more than the monstrous Gryphon, more than the mysteries of Wonderland.
She compared herself with the Tara lying on the Magic Box floor, and she couldn't see the same person at all. Oh, they both had much in common, and Tara felt she'd made all the same choices she would have in either world. The problem came back to Spike. Because Real-World Tara could never have loved him. At least, not the way Wonderland Tara did. Because Spike was a man. Because he was an unnatural being. Because she was afraid of him. She'd never be able to trust him in the Real-World, and for her trust was everything.
But in Wonderland, she'd loved him – in one way or another -- from the moment she saw him. Child Tara had adored him on sight. Hero-worshipped him, as only a child could, after he saved her. When the magic had aged her to puberty, she'd lusted after him, without really understanding what lust was. And even now, after remembering that Real-World life, she felt he was part of her, she loved him and wanted him physically, as a lover. She just didn't see how that was possible.
Not without help.
Willow and Angelus had said that the First wanted her and Spike together, wanted children from them. Tara suspected that had something to do with the magic, the way they could channel it. Maybe that ability was something their children could inherit.
She felt a tingle at the thought of having children with Spike, realized she wanted to have babies with him. Tears welled in her eyes.
Had the First done something to her? Made her capable of loving men? And what had it done to Spike? Had it changed him into her dream man to go along with her new ability to love men? Could it be controlling him?
Her heart sputtered like a faltering engine. Could she even be sure that her companion – the person she had been with since arriving in Wonderland -- was Spike?
Tara gasped, sucked for air, and found her lungs were empty. The harsh wind swooped the breath away before it reached her mouth. The terrible claw squeezed her ribs, tighter and tighter. Blood pounded in her head. She realized she was hyperventilating, but couldn't stop, lost to panic. She kicked and struggled and hammered at the Gryphon's claw, not caring that she would plummet to the ground if it opened.
The memories she'd been replaying in her mind attacked her now, malicious and malignant. She fought the magic again, killed Willow again and grief poured over her. She watched the shadows paint the white soldiers black, and knew she was at fault. She couldn't trust anything she'd done or anything she'd thought.
Couldn't trust Spike.
Couldn't trust herself.
She didn't know who she was anymore.
She wallowed in the emotions, let the fear and grief and horror penetrate until they were bone-deep and part of her, and then something inside said, "Enough." She knew what she was up against now and she'd have to deal with it. There was a world to be saved.
She thought the wind was echoing in her ears but slowly recognized the sound of voices. They were calling her name. Arguing. One voice wanted to come to her, the other voice wouldn't let it.
For a while she tried to ignore them, but the voices persisted. The Gryphon was looming over her, peering at her with strangely familiar eyes. One of the voices belonged to it, and it was asking what was wrong.
Stupid bird. What wasn't wrong?
The other voice belonged to the … Spike-thing.
Mind and body snapped together and Tara felt whole again. Hole again. She snorted and grimaced at the snot that flew from her nose.
She sat up and wedged her way back from the other two, torn between embarrassment and fear. They'd just watched her having hysterics. The shame she felt at losing it almost overpowered the fear that one or the other might hurt her.
"Love."
Tara flinched. The Spike-thing was holding a wet rag toward her, and the idea of wiping her hot face seemed the most heavenly thing in the world.
She reached with careful fingers, taking the rag without touching him – it.
"You up for a bite to eat? Got some fish cooking. There's a change of clothes, a little water for cleaning up. By the time you're through, food should be ready."
Tara hated this thing. It crouched in front of her, head tilted, and gazed on her with such understanding, loving eyes, letting her pretend she hadn't disgraced herself. She forced herself to her feet, refusing to look at h … it. "Where are the clothes?" Hers were in tatters. New clothes were important.
The Gryphon nodded its head toward an outcropping, and in the dim light she could see a tent and a small pony grazing contentedly nearby.
Now that her initial panic was settling her focus widened, and she looked at her surroundings. She thought it was morning even though the sky was still dark. Patches of fog drifted here and there, a startling contrast to the clearer areas where the stars twinkled close enough to touch. A campfire puffed smoke into the air, the darker grey ghosting into the fog. The fire popped and the scent of frying fish curled into her nostrils and drifted right down to her stomach. Under other circumstances she would be enchanted. She laughed at the irony. Maybe she was enchanted.
"One of Hearts brought supplies with him. Just kick him out of the tent … or I could do that if you aren't up to it. You are okay now?"
Tara started at the Gryphon's voice. She knew that voice.
"Tara? Are you? Okay?" Xander's eyes looked at her from a fiercely beaked and feathered face and she felt faint. Did he know she'd killed Willow? Tara shook herself and made herself look directly at him. She supposed a Gryphon was an appropriate thing for Xander to be. Heart of a Lion, soul of an Eagle. He wasn't very grand-looking though. Except for being large. His tail was scruffy, his feathers sparse against his leathered hide, and he had a pot belly. She could have saved herself some fright if she'd known whose claws she was in.
"I-I'm okay. H-how are you?" Tara blushed and moved toward the tent. She was in control of herself now, but the control was fragile, and she needed time to deal with this latest discovery.
She knew she should wonder how One of Hearts had gotten here, but decided she didn't care. But she could get him out of the tent without a fuss. "Food's ready. Come and get it." She'd been camping with her father and brother often enough to know the prime motivator for a sleeping man.
One of Hearts' head popped out within seconds. "Oh. Hi! Are you feeling better now?"
Tara's heart sank. She'd flipped out in front of Xander and One of Hearts. She'd never feel comfortable with either of them again. She didn't feel that same embarrassment with Spike, but that was because he was a thing. She told herself that firmly – he wasn't really Spike. He was a thing. She hugged herself, trying to still the shivering.
She nodded in reply to One of Heart's question and moved on to the more important subject. "Clothes?"
"In the bag. The bigger one. And there's a brush, and I'll get you some water…"
"No need. Got it right here." Spike stood near with a small metal basin. "There's soap in the bags. You'll probably want to wash a bit before changing. I hung one of the blankets. You can use it to wrap up after – gonna be cold."
Tara sighed, and decided to quit fooling herself. She wanted to throw herself at Spike and let him hold her. She couldn't think of him as a thing. But she wasn't going to trust him. Not until she knew more.
No telling what Spike was thinking but he seemed to understand her hesitation. He put the basin down on a waist-high outcropping of rock, and lifted his arms in a hands-off gesture. He turned away and Tara could see muscles jumping in his cheek.
One of Hearts was all ready poking at the fire with a stick. Tara wondered how flammable he was.
Her hair was stiff with dirt and the grime was deep in the pores of her skin. She made a quick wash up, anyway. The cold bit deep and a lot more soap and water would be needed for a decent job. Her stomach was growling now. The fish smelled delicious and she wondered about that. Even as a child she hadn't liked the taste of flesh -- fish, fowl, or meat. She'd only eaten it because her father insisted. She was remembering the taste of fish now, and anticipating it eagerly.
Hunger? Or was it another sign of tampering?
Spike was dressed in a dark leather tunic that reminded her oddly of his Real-World duster. Her own outfit was a lacy burgundy tunic fringed with wide flaps. Very pretty. She felt angry for a moment. What good was pretty for someone who was going on a quest? The flaps would get tangled and let in the cold, and there were no pockets. Spike's tunic had pockets.
She let the anger simmer. She had to go back and face a Gryphon whose best friend she had killed, a loved one who might actually be the force behind all evil, and a playing card soldier who seemed a bit simple. If she was angry maybe she wouldn't break into hysterics again.
"Ouch, ouch, ouch." One of Hearts was dancing in place and shoveling fish into his face. The food was obviously too hot, and burned his mouth but he didn't slow down, merely alternated between chewing and ouching. Tara smiled. She couldn't trust One of Hearts anymore than she trusted anyone here, but she did like him.
"I've dished some up for you." Spike pointed to a bowl of polished wood, heaped with fish and rice. "Figured I'd better get some before it was all eaten." He looked down at his own bowl. "You feeling better?"
"Mmmm." Tara looked at the fish. There was rice. She didn't have to eat the fish. She wanted to and that frightened her. She shouldn't want to. Eating it made sense. Who knew when she'd get the chance again. She couldn't plan a balanced vegetarian diet and needed to eat whatever came her way. But she shouldn't want to.
Dizziness swept over her and she closed her eyes. This way lay madness. She just had to accept for now that things were different and worry about why later. Otherwise, she would work herself into another fit.
"You won't have another spell, you know." Spike was watching her, his face intent and his eyes … they were full of something but Tara wasn't going to call it love. She crinkled her brow in question.
"Your … hysterics. You won't do that again. I expected some kind of fit after the thing with Willow. But you kept on going, doing what was needed. 'Spect you'd have kept hanging on. Except then you were dangled in the air like a rag doll. Nothing to do but feel helpless." He twisted his face into a sympathetic grimace. "Harder to hang on when you're actually hanging."
Tara had to smile. "I didn't notice you freaking out."
Spike seemed encouraged by her smile and returned it with one of his own. "Didn't notice being the operative word. Words. Was going a bit googly myself."
She took a bite of fish to change the direction of her thoughts. Spike's smile was causing sensations she didn't want to deal with. She closed her eyes, letting the savory taste explode on her tongue, and gave a silent prayer of thanks. Something had died for her needs. She was grateful for that.
"Love, we need to talk. I know you don't want to but …"
Tara opened her eyes and tried not to glare. This she remembered about Spike. He didn't like to let go of a subject once he started it. She glanced at One of Hearts. He seemed to be communing with his food and not paying attention to their conversation. Xander looked like a huge rock, all curled up and unmoving. Tara was pretty sure he was sleeping.
"I'm thinking you've figured a few things out. Remembered what we were like in the other world and it's got you spooked." Spike tilted his head.
Realization washed over Tara. "You knew? Before I did? You knew about our other lives?" Suspicion flared. "Why didn't you say anything?"
Spike sat his bowl down and slid off the rock, to the ground, putting himself at eye level with her. "You got your memories from Willow. I got mine from Dru." A muscle jumped in his jaw. "It's taken me a while to sort things out. She moves backward in time, right? My memories didn't make sense because I'm remembering things that haven't happened yet. I think." He smiled, a tight bitter grimace. "Lot of it's still jumbled. I think I've had a soul before. Which is good 'cause I'd already dealt with that."
Tara blinked. She hadn't even thought about the consequences of Spike having a soul. She hadn't understood what Dru was talking about at the time. For that matter… "Spike. Why are you able to walk in the sunlight? Why are you eating that instead of blood?" Tara pointed to his bowl.
His brow crumpled in thought. "Dunno. Hadn't really thought about it. I mean, I didn't know I was a vamp until Dru, and by then I had just accepted the way things were. The magic? This world?" He pointed at The Gryphon. "Harris don't have wings in the other world, and Giles wasn't a king." He paused, thoughtfully, and his voice was tinged with humor when he continued, "Dru might move backwards in time, though. That almost makes sense. Point is -- different world, different us."
Tara tapped her fingers against her bowl and didn't answer. What Spike was saying made sense. But Spike had always been good with the truth. He could twist it to suit himself. She decided she had always been good with truth as well.
"Spike, I don't know what to think." She put down her own bowl and put her hands to her forehead. "I seem to love you … I do love you … if you're what I think you are." She laughed with bitter exasperation. She wasn't saying what she wanted to. That hadn't changed from before.
"But, you can't trust me."
"No, I can't. More importantly, I can't trust myself. " Tara tried to keep her voice even but her throat closed. "Do you think the First … did something to us?"
Spike didn't answer immediately. He brushed a strand of hair from her forehead, carefully as though he were afraid she would jump and run. Tara was reminded of her first meeting with the boy Spike.
They had both changed so much in so short a time. No wonder they were confused. The firelight flickered across Spike, casting him into deep shadow, highlighting the bone structure and the muscles of his body, and she couldn't tell where love stopped and lust began.
"Hey. Are you going to eat the rest of that."
One of Hearts voice slapped against Tara like a douse of cold water. She realized she'd been holding her breath and forced air into her lungs.
"I think you've had enough." Spike's eyes flashed yellow.
Tara wasn't ready to deal with an argument and she was happy to change the subject. "I won't be eating any more. One … do people call you One of Hearts?"
"Yeah, 'cause I would of thought Ace, on account of cards having aces instead of ones." Spike sneered. "On second thought."
One of Hearts' smile was closer to a grimace. "Yeah. Well, that's why I prefer my human name – Andrew. Or Riley. I haven't decided which I should use."
Tara's body tightened with apprehension. "Riley?"
"He's my other half. Used to be one of Queen Walsh's blue-eyed boys but he kinda got on her bad side." Andrew laughed without humor. "Guess I kinda did too. Actually, I can't complain. I got the best of both of us. My brain and his … you know."
"So you're a bigger dick than even before?" Spike drawled, amusement lighting his face.
"Spike!" Tara slapped him on the knee, forgetting that she wasn't going to touch him. Her stomach churned and she thought she would lose what she had just eaten. "We knew Riley! It isn't funny. It wasn't funny when Professor Walsh was doing her experiments then, and it isn't funny now."
She rose and backed away. She was letting Spike get under her guard, and this sort of thing was why she couldn't. The worst part was that she still wasn't sure if this was just Spike being Spike or something else all together.
"Tara." Spike was following her and she thought about screaming for Xander. But in her heart of hearts she couldn't believe that Spike would hurt her. She was probably being stupid but she just couldn't believe it. She stopped, and looked up at the stars. The sky was getting lighter but she could still see them shining.
"I'm sorry, Pet. There are still some things I don't get. Connections I just … I mean ..." His face twisted with frustration. "Riley's a git! And this wasn't even the real Riley. And even Ace doesn't mind what happened!" Spike took a breath before continuing in a calmer voice. "I'm trying to understand why you're so upset."
Tara felt herself softening. "The point isn't whether Riley's a git or we knew him or if Andrew's okay with it. It's about suffering and caring. Empathy for others."
Spike's brow creased. "You can't do good just because it's the right thing to do? You have to feel everyone's pain? Seems to me that'd just give you a bellyache." He pressed his fingers to his temples. "You'd think having the soul would make it easier. But I still can't feel the pain of all those people I killed. Just my own pain knowing I killed them." He shrugged. "I want to do right. Be good. Help make things better. Isn't that enough?"
Tara chewed at her lip. "I'm not sure. I think if you don't feel the pain you don't act fast enough. You go too far and hurt others without meaning to. I think you need the pain."
Spike sighed. "Shoulda known you weren't just being a prig. That's …"
She blinked and felt her jaw drop. "Are you calling me a prig?"
He hesitated before speaking. "Well, yeah. I mean … don't care what you say. The idea of that shrimp boasting about having Riley's danglies? Ace doesn't even have any."
"Well, maybe you just have be at the right angle or something!" Tara spoke in anger, the first thing that came to mind. She had a sudden image of herself bending over, trying to peek up between Andrew's legs and clapped a hand over her mouth. It was funny.
Spike's smile was fierce. "Hah. You're getting it now. How 'bout I concede that Riley's worth the saliva it would take to spit on him, and you concede that you have to laugh at the ridiculous, even when it hurts?"
Tara tried to school her face into primness. If that was priggish so be it. "This isn't the conversation we should be having."
"Reckon you're right there." Spike's smile disappeared and his face became serious. "I love you, Tara. That has to mean something."
"Not if the First is making you love me." Tara hesitated. "Making me love you."
"I've tangled with it before, you know – the First. Or I will. Damn, the time thing's a bear." Spike stepped closer and Tara let him. His words tumbled out as though he couldn't hold them in. "See. You say you love me. And the First couldn't do that. Lust. Yeah. Right up its alley. But the First doesn't know beans about love. And the soul – I really don't think the First wanted me to have a soul. I think you did that. Gave me the soul 'cause you knew, on some level, that I was going to need one. And, there's this wise person, this woman I know. She taught me that you have to let love guide you. So, I'm saying …"
"We should just love each other and go from there." Tara swallowed. Spike was challenging her own convictions. And he was right. If she couldn't trust him, and she couldn't trust herself, what else did she have to trust except for her own beliefs?
He was holding out his hand, staring at her with such intensity she felt mesmerized.
The sun broke into the night with a brilliant array of color, and Tara realized they were in the mountains, so high they were actually above the clouds. The newborn sun caught them with its liquid fire, turning them into a sea of gold, and she and Spike were bathed in its light.
Tara sighed. She should be suspicious of such an obvious sign but maybe …
"No hanky-panky. And no magic. I won't do the magic." Tara's heart beat faster when Spike nodded agreement. She was frightened but for the first time since arriving in Wonderland she felt in control. She reached out and took Spike's hand.
Love would guide them.