Chapter 58

Somewhere to Belong: A Light to Illuminate the Darkness

The Kazekage was dead.

'Twas something Hikari assumed to be true since first sensing his impersonator, but only learned the certainty of when she returned to Suna. The grim news did not bring forth a gasp of shock out of her. She did not become paralyzed by the bombshell dropped on Suna. Hikari shrugged it off.

Oh well.

Why should she feel anything for a man who treated his own child as a monster and weapon? Why should she waste precious warm words over a man who chose to forsake honor to work with the scum known as Orochimaru?

Because he was her Kazekage?

Because in his twisted perspective cruelty was acceptable so long as it protected Suna?

Hikari felt no connection to her Kazekage. And those who saw the world through such a twisted perspective were not worthy of leadership. 'Twas the Kazekage that made Gaara lonely. 'Twas the Kazekage that made him question the purpose of his existence.

Righteous intentions for one's Village did not absolve him of sin. After all, the road to damnation was paved by those who cloaked themselves in righteousness.

The Kazekage's death did not stir a single feeling in Hikari's heart. There was no sadness, no heartbreak; she shed no tears, nor did she feel a knot of coarse anger anchored to her heart for twisting her precious person into a monster.

The absence of feeling, she believed, was a greater revenge against him.

The Kazekage chose his path. He chose to turn Gaara into a weapon. He chose to trust a rogue shinobi.

'Tis a fool who believes a traitor will not betray them as well. 'Tis the nature of their being to betray those they promise loyalty to.

At the end of the day, when Suna's madness failed and their forces were driven into retreat, wounded and shamed by their foolish arrogance shattering at the hands of the Leaf, the truth came to light. The truth the Council of Fools sent assassins to kill her over could no longer be swept beneath a royal rug, crafted from the finest wool and cotton available to man.

Suna had become blind puppets of the Puppet Master Jutsu, made to dance in a bladed fern, mortally wounding themselves for Orochimaru's sadistic entertainment.

The irony of being used as puppets was not lost on her.

Upon returning to Suna, Hikari had listened well to the whispers of her people. Being ignored had its perks; people chose not to see her, allowing her to hide in plain sight to gather information when she so desired.

In response to the new knowledge of their Kazekage's death, Suna offered a full surrender to Konoha, coupled with humble apologies for their betrayal.

'Twas intelligent. When only one option was available, it paid to take it while the chance existed. Suna suffered grave losses in the invasion, and due to their smaller forces, each death struck down their collective power.

Further conflict against the Leaf would have led to their destruction, of that Hikari held no doubt.

'Tis unfortunate so many had to die on both sides for such a wasteful and idiotic reason. Hikari merely shook her head to herself. I tried to warn them of the impersonator. I tried to stop them from disregarding all honor and sense, but no. They ignored my warnings and allowed Orochimaru to manipulate them like the fools they are.

She could only shake her head again. Worst of all, the Council of Fools somehow found a way to blame me for all of this. Because I was too untrustworthy to listen to. Because I did not eliminate the targets assigned to me. I tried to stop them yet I am the one they blame.

Fools. All of them.

'Twas infuriating. First they ignored her, speaking harsh words in whispers and physically abusing her as a child. Then they turned her dream of freedom into a cage. Now they scorned her for merely existing.

No one in Suna wanted her to exist. They'd rather she walk into the desert and die alone where scavenger animals could feast on her carcass.

So, the blind kunoichi sat alone on the old swing set she and Gaara used to meet at, pushing herself back and forth with her good leg in the silence of the cold night, her forehead protector not over her eyes but held in her hand.

She was tired, so tired of this pitiful existence in Suna. Why did she even expect things to change? Because she hoped it would? Because Gaara's friendship made life worth living as a child? What a naïve fool she was.

Hikari returned because she had to know if Gaara could finally see her again. She came back for him. And yet…and yet she was still here. Still alone. Still cold. Still hurting. Still curled over a dead ember she mistakenly believed she could reignite if she devoted herself to it.

A complete stranger shares her warm compassion with me while the very people I share a home with shun my existence. Suna will never change. My life here will never change. I'll always be less than trash.

Hikari clenched her forehead protector tightly and grit her teeth. I…I should have stayed in the Leaf. I should have stayed with Amaririsu.

The Suna native couldn't take this existence anymore. 'Twas clear to her now that she had no one left in Suna. Her parents were long dead. Gaara hadn't spoken a single word to her since his apology, nor had she sensed his presence anywhere.

There was nothing for her in Suna except pain.

What a cruel world this was.

Cruel and cold.

…But a shining light waited in a distant land. A warm light. A light that illuminated her dark world, and a warm hand that pulled her in instead of callously shoving her away. A light that had wept for her and begged her to stay, all because she didn't want Hikari to suffer this loneliness anymore.

"I can do more. Damn it, let me do this. Let me help. You don't have to walk your road alone anymore. Just…Just let me help you more."

Amaririsu remained prevalent in her thoughts. She was a shining beacon of hope and affection beyond this gilded cage she lived within. Just the thought of her and the small time they were able to share with one another brought a fond smile to Hikari's lips.

"Young Amari's offer of help has no expiration date, as you have no doubt inferred."

'Twas true. Amaririsu's offer of aid, of a new life where her kindness would gently caress her wounded soul back to health held no expiration date. Her hand would always be there to grab hold of. Her arms would always be open to her.

To know that this one girl cared so deeply about her fate was enough to make tears prick at Hikari's eyes.

Amaririsu was a precious treasure. A precious person to Hikari.

So why was she still here? Why did she remain in Suna?

Perhaps 'twas best to walk away. Perhaps the cards given to her here in Suna were cards she had to fold and leave behind if she were to ever be happy.

Of course to leave would mean becoming a rogue shinobi. The Council of Fools would never allow her to retire nor would they allow her to leave for Konoha; she was a powerful weapon, after all, and could not be allowed to slip away. And if their favorite scapegoat left, then who would they cast blame on or shun?

The bond she had once shared with Gaara, 'twas something she did not wish to lose or walk away from. But 'twas a bond they once shared, now severed. Now just ashes in the wind as she sat in dark solitude, smelling the residue of the fire that once gave her warmth as the last of its heat faded in the cold desert.

Even now her heart yearned to have that bond back in a painfully fierce way. 'Twas a fault of hers, she supposed, to be unable to let go. She held on too aggressively, and perhaps that was a factor in her inevitable failure to fix what was fractured.

If she were to leave then there was a high chance of being forced to fight him yet again, only this time 'twould be for her freedom from Suna instead of fighting against his insanity.

I do not wish to fight him again…because I fear one of us will have to die if it happens again. Killing Gaara was not an action she was sure she was capable of, even for the chance at a better life.

Should she make it to Konoha, she considered leaving shinobi life behind. Maybe she could work at the flower shop she found, where all those precious flowers waited to be tended to and caressed. She could live on the streets; 'twas not as if she was not accustomed to it.

Hikari frowned. Amaririsu would never stand for such a thing. She hadn't offered her help to leave her on the streets. Amaririsu would bring her into her home. 'Twould be nice, and she could sleep on the floor instead of the street.

Amaririsu wouldn't stand for that either.

She was too kind. If there was another piece of furniture or bed, she would offer those, and if there was not then she would likely offer to share the same bed…and perhaps Hikari would like that. To be so close to her warm light, 'twould be lovely.

However, first she had to escape her cage to reach Konoha, and that would prove difficult. And even if she did reach Konoha, she did not wish to be a burden to Amaririsu or to take advantage of her kindness.

Amaririsu had given her so much already, but she was truly her last hope. I will repay her, I swear it on everything I am…I just need this last favor.

'Twas decided. She would leave Suna for the chance at a better life, and if she died along the way or was imprisoned by Konoha and later executed…so be it. 'Twould at least allow her to leave for the peaceful home of the spirits where she would no longer be ostracized and treated as trash.

I accept whatever my fate awaits me by making this choice. If I die because of this choice, I will not die as a tool for Suna or as something less than human. I will die free.

Hikari stopped pushing herself back and forth on the swing and lifted her forehead protector up. She brought her other hand to it and traced it across the cool metal, the frown on her face deep.

I spent my life thus far trying to prove my worth to people who will never accept me. This forehead protector…it symbolizes all of my hard work overcoming my injury and blindness, yet it also symbolizes my prison. If I am to leave this life behind me, I must leave this too. Once I leave this place, I am no longer a Suna kunoichi.

With one last brush across the metal, she let the forehead protector slip out of her hands.

To her surprise, it never hit the ground.

Naruto Uzumaki and Amaririsu Yūhi.

Their names were engraved in Gaara's mind. Their sharp and passionate words echoed in his ears. Their penetrating eyes haunted his waking and sleeping hours more than the Shukaku ever could. Their intense battle—a battle he lost—was a deeper scar than the red kanji for love on his forehead.

Ever since that night he loved only himself. He lived only for himself. Connections, bonds, they meant nothing. And in that belief he pushed away the one person in this world that had ever truly cared about him. The one person who had accepted him. The person who helped to chase away the nightmares and cold solitude just by smiling.

He lost all direction in the darkness, never realizing how much he had forgotten about his first friend. About how she made him feel. How she helped him to feel more than numbness.

How she, who lived without the gift of colors, made his world vibrant and warm.

Naruto Uzumaki and Amaririsu Yūhi shattered his darkness. They demolished the walls casting their long, black shadows over him to open a single portal for light to enter.

With that single light, darkness ceased to be all he knew.

"It's almost unbearable, isn't it? The feeling of being all alone. Being treated like some sort of monster and freak for just being alive. I know that feeling. I've lived it! I've been there in that dark and lonely place. I know the pain you've gone through!"

He hadn't believed anyone could understand, yet Naruto Uzumaki did. However, their paths were unique to them and their choices. Where he embraced the darkness, Naruto Uzumaki sought light. Where he pushed away his precious person, Naruto Uzumaki kept his close to his heart.

"We were all lonely, all afraid because we weren't sure what our purposes were or what the point of a tomorrow was when no one cared about our existences. That's why you should see how important Hikari is! She cared more about your life and your future more than she cared about her own. The bond we share with them isn't just a one way street. They saved us from our darkness and we saved them from theirs!

"But you forsake her to the loneliness we all feared. You turned your back on the hand she reached out to you. Even at the end, even as you tried to kill her, she never stopped caring about you!"

Those words, they made his heart squeeze unpleasantly in his chest. They brought about the kind of pain medicine couldn't fix. A wound the wonders of Medical Ninjutsu couldn't heal.

Why had those words hurt so much, he had wondered. Simply put: Because for someone who only loved himself, Gaara hated himself just as much for breaking Hikari's heart. He hated himself for tearing apart her heart and leaving it to bleed in loneliness.

He hated himself for being a source of immeasurable pain to someone he, even in his darkest moments, only wanted to protect.

It was because of him her knee could never be repaired. He lost control of the Shukaku that night, and in the rampage he unleashed he unknowingly destroyed her home while she was still in it.

It had been the first night his father sent an assassin to kill him—the first of many.

Who had the first been?

To his everlasting despair, the assassin was none other than Yashamaru, the only other person outside of Hikari who ever loved him.

Gaara hadn't known it at the time; his uncle ambushed him and hid his identity behind a mask. Only after he brought the assassin close to death did he learn the truth, and as his uncle's life slowly slipped away he told him a heartrending truth: he hated Gaara. His birth killed his uncle's sister—Gaara's mother—and even she had never loved him.

Yashamaru told him to push Hikari away, that he would only ever cause her anguish and heartbreak because his namesake—given to him by his mother—was to be a self-loving carnage. His uncle continued to tell the shattering child that Hikari, although ostracized by others, was not the true monster between them, and she would only continue to suffer because of his friendship.

"She deserves to know happiness, but she never will because of you, Gaara. So long as she remains close to you, she will never be accepted by anyone. You will be the bane of her life."

The pain of his words went beyond any previous agony he had ever felt. Yet, after Gaara returned to his normal form he held onto the small hope his uncle was wrong.

When he saw Hikari's knee he came to believe Yashamaru's words.

So he pushed her away, hoping it would protect her from the path of loneliness he was destined to walk. But no matter how he acted outwardly towards her, even when he ignored her existence, he couldn't escape the injury his uncle dealt to his heart.

All he could do was try to ignore it just as all those who ignored her existence.

When they first arrived in Konoha and his brother tried to pick a fight with the blue-haired kunoichi, his ability to ignore it vanished to join the warmth he could no longer feel. Her eye was not amber colored like Hikari's, but it held the same will and feelings to always glow in his friend's eyes.

Admittedly, her ability to freeze his siblings with pure killing intent had also impressed him at the time.

The more they encountered one another, the more Gaara realized the inevitability of their conflict beyond Suna's plan. Their paths were meant to intersect in heated battle to decide between them whose purpose for existence was stronger; he felt it in his bones, he felt it in the cold void of his heart when they glared into each other's eyes.

The hospital sealed their fates.

"You regret it. You regret turning your back on her. You regret shattering her dream and her knee. And most of all, you regret stealing her life, because despite so many people hating your existence for a decision made without your consent, she never did. She never saw you as a monster or as anything less than a friend. You were her precious person, and she was yours."

Amaririsu was absolutely right. He harbored those regrets. He hid them behind a cloak of hatred and indifference only she had ever seen straight through.

It made him hate her more.

The pure distraught sadness and betrayal on Hikari's face when he severed their connection trailed his every step since he turned his back on her. Her eyes followed him everywhere, always asking him the same question filled with heartbreak: Why? Why did he do it? Why did he push her away?

Hikari had been his truest friend. A friend he was undeserving to have…but one he desperately needed now.

He didn't deserve her forgiveness nor would he blame her if she found the strength to let their bond go. After everything he had done to her, Gaara would never blame her for finally severing their bond.

But he hoped beyond all hope that there was still a chance to salvage it. That if he devoted himself to this task and worked hard, he could fix the heart he so cruelly broke.

These thoughts spurred him to summon the courage to speak to her. Facing down the friend he hurt, however, was far more frightening than fighting any foe. Courage escaped him. The thought of approaching her left his heart tight in his chest; he struggled to breathe and think at times when he thought of her negatively reacting to his attempt to speak.

Was this what it felt like to be afraid? To be afraid of heartbreak? To fear facing the disappointment of a precious person? To be afraid of pain?

It took Gaara time to find the same courage Hikari wielded when she stepped up to battle him. More time than it should have, he knew. But now he stood close by, hugging the shadows of the night as he watched Hikari sit alone, sadly pushing herself back and forth on the swing set.

This place, he hadn't been here in so long. He forgot how quiet it was here this late at night. How special it was.

With his eyes cleared of the shadows obscuring his vision, Gaara was finally able to see how much Hikari had changed since they were six year olds. She was…pretty. Or prettier, he should say. She bloomed like a cactus flower; a vibrant bloom made more magnificent by the harsh conditions she grew from.

He did his best to protect her since their return, hiding the truth of her attempt to stop him from Baki and the Suna Council by telling them he attacked her in a fit of rage—a half-truth. But as always, his attempts to protect his precious person fell short.

The Suna Council hadn't been kind to her, they never were. So it did not surprise him to see in her amber eyes even at this distance the internalized wish to leave their home behind.

Again he couldn't blame her. Pushing her away hadn't helped others to accept her. It left her with no one. It left her in this cold, desolate isolation he knew all too well.

Gaara shut his eyes and sighed heavily at himself.

Why did he have to cause her so much pain?

Was he even capable of salvaging their bond?

As he opened his eyes, he took note of her halted movement, all save the hand she glided over her forehead protector.

His eyes bulged in shock as he saw her begin to let it fall out of her hands.

Hikari…

He could see the frown on her face paired with the melancholy and determination equally built in her eyes. She had made a decision, one that left Suna in the past.

Instinctually Gaara caught the forehead protector in his sand, the action revealing his presence to her finally. Surprise flickered in her eyes when she did not hear her headband touch the sand below her; the kunoichi's body immediately turned to face him.

"Gaara…" she whispered his name.

The redhead strode forward slowly, hesitant, unsure of himself and what he planned to say or do. He used his sand to bring her forehead protector into his hand, stopping his approach when he reached the swings.

"I…" Hikari's eyes fell as she sighed.

"May I sit on the swing next to you?" Gaara asked, the very same question he first spoke to her all those years ago.

"'Tis yours to sit on, I do not mind," she replied quietly.

Gaara sat down with his first friend and looked down at the dull sand conforming beneath their feet. He still remembered when their toes were all that could reach it, their little legs dangling from the wooden seats as they spent hours speaking of everything and nothing, eagerly learning everything they could about one another.

He missed this. This familiar and comfortable silence was like holding his favorite teddy bear again; like the teddy bear, being here again brought back nostalgic memories of simpler days when nothing seemed to matter. Before the reality of the world made him grow up.

Part of him just wanted to savor this, to hold onto it for as long as he could on the chance it would be the last time he could. But Gaara knew he had to speak. He must if there was any chance to salvage their bond.

"I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you, Hikari." He lifted his eyes to stare up at the canvas of sky above littered by millions of stars Konoha didn't know because of its light pollution.

The word sorry did not roll off his tongue naturally. Lost in the darkness, feelings of empathy, sympathy, pity or compassion did not exist. And should he hurt someone, he felt nothing. Why should he?

Now was different, though. Naruto Uzumaki and Amaririsu Yūhi opened his eyes. They showed him he could change his path and redefine his bonds that revolved around pain, suffering and murder.

It would not be an easy road. The new path he wished to walk was full of hard work, but he was okay with that. Hard work was the only way he could redefine his bonds with his people as it was the only way he could salvage the one bond he should have never tried to sever.

"I know my apology will never take away the pain my previous actions and words gave you," he continued. "Seeing the bond between Naruto Uzumaki and Amaririsu Yūhi made me realize just how precious our bond truly was to you…and how important it was to me." Gaara shook his head to himself. "But I do not deserve to be given your forgiveness, Hikari."

"All she ever wanted was for you to open your eyes again. To stop looking away into the darkness so you could see her still standing by your side! But you turned your back on her! You! The one person in this vast world who she considered precious! You betrayed her!"

He could still hear Amaririsu's fiery passion. The tremble of rage and hidden grief slipped unconsciously into her voice, all sourced from the pain his actions caused Hikari.

"I thought…I thought you understood betrayal and loss because your precious person betrayed you, but no. You only understand betrayal from wielding the knife yourself. People may have treated you like a relic, but she didn't! Hikari didn't come here for anyone except you! Even as she fought you, even as her heart was tearing itself apart, she never stopped fighting for you!"

Sharp pains attacked his heart.

"Tch! But you don't care, do you? You don't care about her. You don't care that you broke her heart. All because you only love yourself, you selfish scum.

"When you and your Village attacked my home and my friends, when you and your people killed innocent people who had nothing to do with this war, you made this personal. But to betray the people precious to you is unforgivable!"

Gaara lowered his eyes back to the forehead protector in his hand belonging to his friend. "After I pinned you to the tree, Amaririsu told me that no matter how much I was hurting you, you never stopped fighting to save me. She told me I broke your heart by betraying you, and that such a betrayal is unforgivable…and she's right, but…"

Hikari turned to face him with her features pulled in confusion. "But?"

"I would be willing to do whatever is necessary to earn your forgiveness and earn the ability to call you my friend again."

He looked up and met her eyes. Those amber eyes still cured the chill in his bones.

"If you have finally severed your connection to me, I understand and I will never resent you for it. I do not deserve a second chance, Hikari. Not after what I did to you. I know this, but I want to heal the wounds I gave you."

He saw a flicker of hope in her eyes, but it quickly faded for dejection as she turned her eyes back to the sand below them.

"I hear the truthfulness in your words Gaara and wish to be able to call you friend again… The bond we had, 'tis something I still yearn to have in a way that nearly causes me physical pain…"

"But you want to leave?" he asked.

The white-haired girl remained still with a sad frown pulling onto her lips. Hesitantly, she nodded. "My existence here…'tis painful. I need not tell you the cruelty of the villagers; you have experienced it as much as I have. No matter what I do, they will always hate that I exist. They will always treat me as a monster."

Hikari lifted her hands up, blind amber eyes staring into the space they settled in with pain.

"I do not understand why 'tis this way. Are we truly monstrous? Is it this power I wield? Or is it they who are monsters? 'Twould be so easy to accept their label and become the monster they fear. 'Twould be even easier to call them the monsters. But perhaps 'tis not one or the other. Perhaps I am a monster, and perhaps so are they.

"Or perhaps none of us are monsters. Perhaps we are all merely human, and these emotional responses, monstrous as they are, are normal for our savage species. But if that is true, why does Amaririsu exist? Why does Naruto Uzumaki? Why are they capable of such pureness while not a single soul in Suna is?"

She lowered her hands. "Why do we exist, Gaara? To suffer? To make others suffer? Is this what it means to be alive? Or have we all lost our way? And if so, do people like Amaririsu and Naruto exist to guide us in the right direction?"

"I don't know, Hikari," he answered honestly. "I don't know why we exist. But you aren't a monster."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know what it means to be a monster."

"Gaara…"

"I don't blame you for wanting to leave," he switched the subject.

"But would you let me if I did?" she asked in return, quiet and concerned for his answer.

"Yes." Hikari stared his way in astonishment. "If that is what your heart wants most, then I won't stop you from leaving. I don't know what kind of life would await you in Konoha, but Amaririsu Yūhi would do all she could to help you. I know that to be true."

"…Gaara…"

Of course he did not want her to leave, but he had lost his right to ask her to stay. He lost it the moment he turned his back on her.

Before she did leave he felt it important to tell her the truth about the day he severed their bond.

"The night your knee was destroyed, I was attacked by an assassin sent by my father. It was Yashamaru. He told me I would be the bane of your life." Those words hurt his heart to repeat. "I don't know if he is right," he admitted. "I don't know if all I'm only capable of causing you pain. But he was right in saying you deserve happiness. That's why I tried to push you away."

"Yashamaru…but…" Hikari's voice held the same disbelief and hurt he felt when he learned his assassin's identity. Betrayal crossed her features, joined by immeasurable heartbreak.

It took her a moment to collect herself. "…I am so sorry, Gaara. But he was wrong about you being the bane of my life. You…you were the brightest light in my very lonely world all those years ago. You are still precious to me, Gaara."

Those words provided the smallest hope that she may remain in the village.

"Would you consider giving me one last chance to prove myself worthy of your kindness before leaving?"

Hikari turned in her swing and reached her hand out to touch him, finding his pant covered knee. The small touch made a ghost of a smile form on her face before she turned serious once more.

"I would. What is it you plan to do? You are planning something, no?"

"I seek to redefine the agony filled bonds I have had with others and become the Kazekage so that one day people will see me as more than a monstrous tool."

He could now see the path ahead of him with untainted eyes. Now he just had to walk it.

His friend frowned slightly to his surprise. "You do not owe these people anything, Gaara. 'Tis them who twisted you into the person you became."

Hikari's resentment was strong. He could hear it and see it, but it was that kind of emotion that led him into darkness. Perhaps this time he could reach out and save her before she fell out of reach.

"One act of pain does not justify another," Gaara said as he looked at her. "If I don't do anything, nothing will ever change. My ties of sorrow and pain will only grow worse."

He turned his gaze back to the sky full of stars. "I know the road will be difficult, but I will work hard and commit myself to this Village so I too can become precious to others, like Naruto Uzumaki and Amaririsu Yūhi have within their Village."

And I would like it if you were with me as I did, his thought went unspoken. Gaara didn't want to make Hikari feel obligated to stay. If she was to stay, then he wanted her to stay because she wanted to.

For too long the events in her life were either out of her control or forced upon her by others. This was his chance to give her the ability to choose her own path just as he had chosen his.

"Gaara, the Fifth Kazekage." Hikari gave him a genuine smile. "'Tis a good goal, one I believe you can succeed in if that is what you wish."

"Thank you." Her belief in his ability and her approval of his goal satisfied his heart. It was a reminder of how great their bond had once been, a bond he was willing to work back towards.

Gently he turned the hand on his knee over and placed her forehead protector in it.

"I would be grateful to have a friend like you at my side through this journey."

Hikari's answer was the small closing of her hand around her forehead protector with the tips of her fingers brushing against the top of his hand. She smiled fondly at him and nodded.

For the first time in many years Gaara found a smile on his face.

Review Response to ChillinInKonoha: Sasuke's future is definitely dancing on a blade of a knife at this point. Her training will be expanded upon later, don't worry. There is a chapter still some distance away that unveils her sadistic Comedy Jutsu; it'll be worth the wait and my vagueness, I promise.

As for Mass Effect, I've got a few stories in my head I want to write. It's just a matter of finding the time to write them. I did enjoy playing through the Lair of the Shadow Broker and going through the footage archive on the base; definitely some interesting clips on there that would provide some humorous reactions from the other members of your squad.

I'd say Amari is aware of her bisexuality. She understands her feelings.

Thank you for asking and thank you for the review!