I posted this hastily.
It was pretty frightening to write this, as I have a feeling the expectation for this chapter is relatively high. I don't think I rose to the challenge, but whatever, throw me a bone! I tried! I can't write anything love related, so it was kind of a deterrent.
I'm always weird about having guys break down and cry a little bit, so I tried to keep it to a minimum, but whenever I need an image of a man crying, all I have to do is think about Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer on "24" in the multiple instances where Jack has started to cry. 'Cause, if an ass kicking federal agent doesn't make it okay for a man to cry, and give a good image, I don't know what does. :)
She had finally begun to worry.
Josh was now an hour and a half late, and it couldn't possibly have taken him an hour to get ready and a half hour to go over to Leo's apartment. Something was up, and if she could get herself off the phone – talking in a conversation that she probably was being absolutely no help in, her mind wandering frantically – she would call Josh's cell, pray that he'd answer, and that everything would be fine.
Ever since Leo, Donna had been a bit panicky about cars – and crashes.
Maybe she shouldn't have sent him.
Or, he could be stopping to get food.
Perhaps he received an important call on his cell and pulled off to the side of the road to talk.
"Donna? Donna?"
She sat up straight in her chair as she realized that she had been completely ignoring the conversation. People from "Dateline" wanted to do a special on Leo – Donna was supposed to coordinate and get it set up so it would air at a time they wanted; more or less, should it be aired before the election, or after? Donna was supposed to get the negotiating done. So far... not so good.
Finally, she'd had it. "I'm sorry, Peter, but can I call you back? We're having some issues over here at headquarters."
"A bit hectic and such?"
"Just a little. I'll call you back?"
"Sounds good."
"Thanks."
She slammed down the phone and picked it up again, selecting a line. With the same speed at which she had dialed earlier, Donna hit the buttons for Josh's cell and held her breath as it rang. Please, please pick up, she said to herself. Please, please.
Three rings.
Four.
Dammit, Josh!
"Donna?" Oh, God.
"Josh? Where the hell are you?"
"I need you."
Donna's eyes widened. Her instincts had been right – something clearly had happened. Josh's tone was not one of flirting, but one of urgency. "Where are you?"
"Leo's."
"I'm coming," she replied, throwing down the receiver again and running to find her jacket and purse. How often this seemed to be happening.
"What's wrong?"
Donna looked up to see Edie staring, along with everyone else.
"I've got to go help Josh. He accidentally misplaced something important."
"Oh… 'kay," Edie responded skeptically.
"Where's Annabeth?" Donna asked to the group surrounding her as a whole.
"On the phone," replied Bram.
"Okay, she's in charge," commanded Donna. "Only call me on my cell if it's a real emergency. Same with Josh, okay? Go to Lou."
"What's happening?"
"Nothing." Donna was clearly not convincing any of them. "I'll be back soon."
She ran out the door and with the speed of a track star, found herself at her car, quickly getting in, and driving over towards Leo's apartment. Her mind, once again, raced on the drive over. How could I be so stupid, she thought to herself. Sending Josh to Leo's? Sending him to the home of a friend whose death he thinks he's responsible for? How could I have been so stupid!
Donna had never, ever wanted to hurt Josh. But, things had changed between them, and she left to work for Russell. Now, she felt as if they were getting the second chance they needed. If Donna were truly honest with herself, she knew that she had always loved Josh. Just like Annabeth had been talking about earlier. What had she done today, though? She had hurt Josh again.
In his years on earth, Josh had had endured so much suffering, not that anybody really needed reminding of them. Joanie. His father. The President. Donna. The last one was the part that Donna wished she could – no, she couldn't decide about Gaza. She had wanted to be part of the CODEL, it was a move that had shown that Josh really did value her. The fact that she had slept with Colin – well, that wasn't so good. The fact that so many people had died – obvious. The fact that Josh had flown to Germany to be with her – amazing.
In the hospital it seemed like maybe there would be a Josh-and-Donna. She had hoped it would be like that… and then… things got, well, different. It was time to leave, so she did. Will offered a job and Donna accepted it. Then Josh left to work for Santos. Leo had had a heart attack, C.J. was now the Chief of Staff, and Charlie wasn't Personal Aide to the President anymore. Things had changed dramatically. And now, add one more to the list of Josh's personal suffering…
Leo.
It wasn't Josh's fault that Leo had died. It was not, by any stretch of the imagination. Donna felt for Annabeth, who had wished with all her heart that she had been there with the man she – well, was it too early to say that she loved Leo? Maybe. But that question would never have a chance to be answered, and that's why things were so completely sad.
Donna pressed down on the gas pedal a little bit more. Hermes had winged sandals – if only she had a pair.
-------
She made good time and pulled into the parking garage for Leo's apartment. Choosing a spot coincidentally near Josh's car, Donna ran out of her own and hurried into the elevator. When Annabeth had spoken to her earlier, she had already decided that today would be the day she'd tell Josh how she felt about him, only now the stakes seemed a little higher. The doors opened on Leo's floor and Donna ran into the hallway and down to Leo's door, opening it without any hesitation.
"JOSH!" Donna screamed, running into the foyer and turning right towards Leo's study. As she turned into the room, she saw Josh sitting on the floor, back up against the bookshelf/cabinet hutch, head tilted to the side, legs outstretched in front of him, a framed photograph in his hands. "Josh," Donna gasped, falling to the floor beside him. "I'm so sorry I sent you here, I just – I didn't think, you know—"
She looked at him to notice his eyes were staring only at the photograph and his whole being was absorbed in the image before him. The silver frame seemed thick and heavy, as if to lend the notion of total importance to the picture within. Donna didn't know whether to smile or cry as she realized just what the picture was: a memento of a time long passed – President Bartlet's first Presidential victory.
It was a total group shot of the then future Chief of Staff and the men and women he would rule over, everyone from the Press Secretary to the Deputy Deputy Chief of Staff flanking him on his left and right. And the smiles on everyone's faces…
"Everyone looks so happy," Donna whispered, looking at Josh, getting no response, and continuing. "It's true though. Look at all of us. We all – God, look how young you look, Josh," she laughed. "And Leo, look at Leo. Look at that huge smile he's got going on right there. That was before he knew how much sleep we'd all be lacking; before we all knew."
"We'd always want to have Leo smile," Josh broke in, his voice gravelly.
"Yeah, I know," Donna replied, grasping his hand.
Josh turned and looked at Donna, his eyes red and seemingly teary. "I feel so responsible," he choked out.
"Oh, Josh," Donna said, moving closer and putting her head on his shoulder.
"I feel like it's my fault that Leo's gone. I know it's not true, the rational part of me does, but I can't help but think that if I had done something else, I could have stopped it. The same way I could have stopped a lot of things from happening, same way I felt I could have stopped you from getting on that stupid plane and going to Gaza."
"Josh—"
"I was so, so scared the day you got hurt, Donna. I was so scared when I went to the hospital and you were sleeping, so scared after you went into surgery. And now I'm so scared because I don't know what we're supposed to do from this point onward and we've gotta win and I don't know what to do."
"Oh, Josh, we'll figure it out," Donna said as she felt herself shaking a little bit and crying for the second time that day.
"Yeah, we will. That's why things aren't as scary this time around, Donna, because, yeah, I know I have some things all messed up upstairs, but you're here with me and you know what to do."
"We are going to figure things out," she replied, trying to sound reassuring.
"Leo meant a lot to me."
"He meant a lot to me, too."
"But he didn't mean as much to me as you do."
Donna looked up at Josh, speechless. She didn't know what to think – was this the right time to say it? Was she later going to think back to this moment and wish she had taken advantage it? The words just weren't coming, and Donna took Josh in and kissed him on the cheek, resting her forehead against his for a moment and backing her face away to look at him, smiling.
The look on his face was one she hadn't seen before – or, well, one she had seen before, but only for brief instances. But, it was that face, the one that was a look of longing. Suddenly, as if drawn by a magnet, pulled by a string, pushed by a force of God – whatever – Josh's lips, at very long last, found Donna's and began to show just what emotion he held for her. Happily, yet albeit shocked, Donna's lips reciprocated and began what would become a fantastic first kiss.
It was as if, with the kiss, the mood of sorrow had ended. The mourning had been replaced with loving, and happiness was far more apparent.
"We – we shouldn't be doing this right now," Josh stammered, breaking away, much to Donna's dismay. "Not here."
Donna smiled. "Josh, do you really think Leo would care that much? If he were to walk in right now, he'd say, 'What the hell are you two doing! I mean, it's about damn time, but right here? On my floor? Not a mental image I wanted. I beg of you, feel free to continue this, but stay away from my apartment, okay? That's all I ask,' and then walk away and leave us to help ourselves out." A smile began to appear on the corners of Josh's mouth.
"Yeah, he would." Josh paused. "It's just – this isn't the right way to be doing this, the right way to be going about this."
"What do you mean?"
"This is too cliché, Donna. I mean, you find me, all emotional and then we get more and more emotional, and, so, in order to quell our grief we start to go at it and then, eventually, we'll end up having sex to forget our sorrow. It's too cliché."
She laughed. "Life isn't always like the movies, Josh."
"I know that. I just – we need to talk. You and I. We need to have a talk. I'm still upset about silly things, stupid things, and I need to apologize. I need to tell you that I tried to – I'm sorry, Donna. I'm sorry for making you leave, for not valuing as much as I should have, and, there were so many times I just wanted to call you up, talk to you, tell you what I felt like, but I couldn't do it. I just wish I had done things differently."
Donna could feel her eyes tearing up. "You're forgiven, almost. I know we need to talk."
"Let's do it then, okay? Talk?"
"Yes."
And the two stood up, ready to leave and get back to work. But, for the very shortest time in the last few minutes at Leo's apartment, Donna knew she had felt the happiest she had been in years.