I can't believe I allowed myself to try and go that far with her. And, it's so early in the relationship – I mean, friendship. I am such a fucking idiot! But, in all fairness, she led me on. I mean, she told me that she was thinking about me when she was kissing Aiden. Wouldn't that give a girl the impression that she might want to kiss the person that she was thinking about? Well, I just happened to take it in that form. And, I guess I was wrong for thinking like that. Man, I was so close, too! I was all in position and then stupid Aiden had to come in and fuck things up – like he always does. That is just like a guy to go and do something idiotic like that. But, I guess I had this coming. (laughs) I was being stupid for thinking that I, Ashley Davies, would ever be able to have a girl like Spencer. I guess I'm doomed for a life of unhappiness and aloneness. I've done pretty well on my own so far – (sighs) who am I trying to kid? My life was a total train wreck before Spencer came along. She practically picked me up and put me back on solid ground.
Whenever she's with me, I feel like a whole different person than when I'm by myself. When I'm by myself, I feel this empty hole in my chest. Like a huge rut that I'm stuck in – for life! I feel as if no one cares about my whereabouts and my safety; or how I'm "turning out". I remember a time in my life, when my parents took me to a family reunion and I met one of my dad's grandmas. She told me that I was a troubled one and that I would never amount to anything. I remember hearing those words come out of her mouth and I also remember looking up at my mother and she was shaking her head in agreement. I guess at the time, I was too young to realize what all that meant, but now that I'm old enough to comprehend harsh comments, I understand that that would be the definition of my entire childhood. I have this theory, that when we're born, people automatically categorize us. I was obviously categorized in the "rich kid" category. When I'm out at the mall or a local store and I get out my wallet and pull out a couple of fifty dollar bills, people just assume that I got that money from my ATM… a.k.a. Daddy. But, in reality, I didn't get it from Daddy – I got it from Mommy Dearest.
My mom is such a different story. If my mom had her own novel, the title of it would be Evil Lurks Behind Every Door. Lucky for me, the only door she seems to lurk behind is my bedroom door. (sighs) I never really realized how much of a disaster I was until Spencer came along and pretty much punched me in the gut and showed me the way to greatness. I recall one time, she came over to my house and she had mentioned it to me that she was a little bit "parched" and I told her that she could go into the kitchen and grab herself whatever she wanted. Well, she came back with a few cokes and she gave me one of her little head tilts with a slight grin that goes with it and she asked me what I was doing with a six pack in the fridge. I laughed and told her that I was saving it for a rainy day. She then immediately took me by the hand, led me downstairs to the kitchen, opened up the fridge door and took out the six pack. I asked her if she had gone crazy and she just looked at me with pleasant eyes. She grabbed the six pack, took it over to the sink and began to open each and every bottle. I tried to stop her from advancing her process, but – she was too quick for me. She poured out every drop of beer until all that was left was six long neck bottles. I looked at her with glassy eyes… on the verge of crying… when she told me that she cares too much about me to see me get drunk and possibly get hurt. It was then in that moment of time, that I realized that I had someone who really cared for me. It made me feel… wanted, you know?