Chapter 77

Reconciliation: Overcoming the Curse

Amari stood silently in the master bathroom of the Nara household.

She'd been in this exact spot, raining on the cold tile floor beneath her bare feet, staring at her reflection in search of…she wasn't even sure what anymore. A glimmer of light in her dull, exhausted eyes? An apparition of Shisui to embrace her? The kunoichi who had fought in the Invasion and against three rogue shinobi?

She hadn't found any of them.

So, she stood in a puddle of her own creation, only a few steps away from where Shikamaru dropped her off, gazing at the lost girl in the mirror. Her blue hair once wild with life rested lifelessly against her small, soaked and shivering frame. Her precious bandana, forehead protector and clothes stuck to her skin like honey, each appearing a shade darker due to the rain they absorbed.

The only pieces of her to glimmer were the amethyst gems on her silver hoop earrings—the graduation gift from her mother. Amari wished she was here. Wished she could just bury herself in her arms and torso until she felt strong enough to stand again.

I look terrible.

Her reflection hadn't looked this damn pathetic since losing Ryu and Kasai.

I struggled for a long time, but with Mom's help I finally conquered many of my inner demons…only to end up back where I started.

How did she find herself here again, staring at her emotionally beaten down and defenseless reflection? Hadn't she done this enough after Ryu died? The mirror never answered her questions. It never told her if her path would turn her heart to stone or if she would be strong enough to fulfill Ryu's dying wish. It watched her in silence, which only ever inflamed the insecurities and doubts plaguing her heart.

Can I…ever be truly free from this burden of pain?

Is it even possible to overcome this darkness lying dormant in my heart?

She received no encouraging words from her memories. Only the sharp silence of a defeated mirror reflection looking emptily at her.

Amari let her eye fall away from the mirror. She wanted… She hoped a memory of Shisui would burst forth to encourage her.

Shutting her eyes, Amari exhaled a shaky breath full of conflicted emotions. I…have to manage without a memory. I can't… No, I won't turn back into that weak little girl who couldn't fend for herself. Shisui, Itachi and Aimi did everything in their power to help me become stronger. Now it's time for me to stand up and fight my own battles.

The speech sounded nice, but it didn't ignite a flame in her heart. Amari exhaled a sad sigh through her nostrils and felt her shoulders slouch in helpless defeat.

I…hate this feeling.

Sorrow and helplessness were like wearing cement shoes in an ocean; it dragged the victim down into the deepest, darkest depths as they drowned in dread.

Part of her wondered if feeling numb would be better. At least then she wouldn't feel anything, right? There would be no more hot pain to pierce her heart. No more cold sorrow to make her feel alone.

Yet…to live a life without pain and sorrow meant to live a life without love and happiness.

No more warmth.

No joy.

Just this…empty feeling and the loneliness it came with.

Feeling pain was part of being human. To feel nothing at all meant becoming a tool, a weapon without a heart or morals. Something to be discarded at someone's whim.

Amari hated that she even considered it as an option, no matter how brief and fleeting the idea was. She bit her lip in momentary frustration that passed with a deep sigh. Standing here wasn't helping. She needed a shower.

Her bandana, forehead protector and necklace were the easiest to remove; she wringed the two cloths out as best she could then laid them flat on the counter-top. The suction of her clothes to her skin made it a battle to strip them off, but inevitably they all ended up in the sink, freeing Amari to finally jump in the shower.

For several minutes she simply stood under the water, arms crossed over her goose bump covered flesh, blank gaze locked on the tile floor or eyes shut to escape into complete darkness. The warm water cascaded down her head, over her torso and down her small legs; she listened to the water flow down the drain as steam rose around her.

She thought about her team, about the fear she'd seen in Sasuke's and Sakura's eyes when she looked at them with her Mangekyō Sharingan…how she hadn't even realized she activated her Mangekyō until she looked into Sakura's frightened emerald eyes. How scared she'd been of herself, again.

The Curse of Hatred, it overwhelmed her Will of Fire through her hurt and anger. She lost herself again. Instantaneously. Unlike Shisui, Amari didn't pause to breathe and rationalize why Sasuke's words hurt and infuriated her; she didn't try to accept the feelings for what they were. It wouldn't have been wrong to feel angry or hurt. The feelings were natural, given what Sasuke meant to call her.

Instead of doing any of that, she exploded. She lashed out, and unconsciously activated her Mangekyō Sharingan in the process, for what? To show the darkness and hatred within her heart? To show him the true depth of her suffering? To make him feel small and defenseless, the same feelings the Uchiha Clan afflicted her with as foolish retribution?

Amari hugged herself tighter. I broke two of my promises to Shisui. I promised I wouldn't let myself be blinded by hatred and arrogance. I promised I would use these eyes as he would. But… She squeezed her eyes shut. I keep screwing up! In the Land of Snow I let my battle with Kōri get personal and it cost Sandayū and those samurais their lives. And then I stupidly tried to tell Sasuke the truth when I knew he wasn't ready.

Then, without really thinking, she blasted Sasuke with her memories. She showed him the night Itachi was crying, the death of Shisui, their time together in the fūinjutsu, Itachi's truth in the Tsukuyomi and the newly awakened memory; she wanted him to see and hear and feel everything she had, to disassemble the lies he held onto and empower him with truth.

But what kind of effect would it really have? She hadn't thought of any of the consequences or how it might push them farther apart. She reacted on her emotions, on a pure whim full of optimism and hope.

Itachi entrusted his future and safety to me…

"Sasuke is not you, Haya. He doesn't hold your convictions or your individuality. It is up to you to open his mind after he has closed it for so long. It is up to you to guide him out of the darkness back into the light."

"Itachi…"

"I'm entrusting Sasuke's future to you. All I ask is that you keep him on the right path. Keep him from the darkness by whatever means you must. Do not let Orochimaru mold him into a disposable tool."

Amari's shoulders trembled. But I keep acting recklessly, like it'd be impossible for me to push him towards the darkness. I'm so stupid! Sasuke was right. I keep acting like I know everything, like I'm somehow wiser and more mature than him when I'm not. I'm still just a kid trying to walk around in sandals twice the size of my feet.

And what about Sakura and Naruto? She frightened Sakura with a single look. Left them both to pick up the pieces when it was her fault this all happened. When it was her duty to keep her team in line.

"Try to keep the other's in line while I'm gone."

Kakashi's parting words made her wince.

Some balancing point she was.

Part of Amari hoped they all went home. That they avoided the storm completely. But Amari knew her team better than that. They wouldn't sit back and let the storm pass; they'd be stubborn and seek her out, even in this terrible weather. The thought left her with pang of guilt she couldn't shake.

Yoshino cracked the door open and put an extra towel on the counter for her with clothes neatly folded on top of it.

It was bad enough she screwed up with Sasuke, but the knowledge that her team was somewhere out in the rain, desperately searching for her only made her heart sink further.

Another mistake, another failure.

Why was it that every time she tried to do what she felt was right, everything always ended up going horribly wrong? With a fragile heart she tried to stop Ryu and Kasai from killing each other, but that had led to the death of her dearest friend. Had she just released Ryu instead things would've turned out completely different.

But she didn't. She held onto them both, unwilling to look at the situation without her swelling emotions because she was afraid of loneliness…and because of that she lost them both.

The sick irony did not go unnoticed by her.

And even with the knowledge Shisui gave me about the Curse of Hatred, I still failed to fight it off.

The terrible feelings threatened to swallow her whole, devour the light within. Amari flipped open her aunt's shampoo in an effort to distract herself.

Her thoughts trailed to Shikamaru as she lathered her hair. He was a halo of light in the shadows of her mind. His willingness to chase her through the storm, to stand with her in pouring rain as she cried for the family she lost, for the pain of their absence and the harsh words of her teammate… The overwhelming feeling of love his gesture bestowed onto her rendered her speechless; he left her heart swelled with purest love and enduring warmth.

"I want you to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. Always have been, always will be. You're my cousin, after all."

Did he realize how he broke and reformed her heart with those thoughtful words? They were so close to Shisui's declarations of "I'll always be with you" and his encouraging "You're an Uchiha and my little cousin, after all" that it was painful in the most amazing way. She couldn't stop herself from tackle hugging Shikamaru for unknowingly saying exactly what she needed to hear.

His declaration of confidence that she would overcome her internal struggles and bounce back stronger than before made Amari believe she could do it. He made it seem possible. To know he would fight side by side with her through hell and back because of how much he cared made the Nara girl willing to ask for help, even if it was only a little bit.

She couldn't ask anyone to bear the entire weight of her burdens. Not her family, her friends or her team; it wouldn't be fair to them. There was only one way to put her past self behind her: Become strong enough to endure through hardships without collapsing into tears and crying out for someone else to save her.

Right now, Amari required time and help to push through her current struggles, even if her pride refused to let her say it out loud.

In her desire to hide it, though, she ensnared her teammates in an illusion so they couldn't see reality. She pretended everything was okay when she wasn't, afraid of how the truth might change her team's interactions with her. Sakura stumbled upon the truth and stayed at her side through it. Without judgement. Without pity.

But what if she had been honest from the start? What if she spoke openly about her nightmares, about the burden of Shisui's loss? What if she had chosen truth over lies?

We wouldn't be here, would we?

It was just… Talking about this was scarier than fighting Kisame. What if they started treating her differently? How could she expect them to treat her normally while simultaneously telling them she needed time to regain some solid ground?

Amari pondered the thought for the rest of her shower. No answer presented itself by the time she shut the water off.

If she didn't phrase her words correctly they would start being over-protective to a ridiculous extent. It'd just be troublesome. She could already imagine it; minor cuts or bruises would be treated as life-threatening injuries, leading them to ask her to stay behind them; or they would have to split up on a mission and her teammates would ask for extra reinforcements to be placed with her.

Any one of these scenarios meant Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto saw her as a liability in the field. It annoyed her even thinking about it. Yes, her heart ached daily. But on missions her focus was unwavering and her skills sharp as everyone else, if not sharper.

Nothing about her skills changed despite what happened to her in the Tsukuyomi and with Sandayū. The kunoichi had to ensure she drove that point home. She refused to be seen as a liability, a weak link in their team structure or as anything less than a true kunoichi of the Leaf Village.

The person she had once been, the one in the memory who could only run away and pray Shisui would rescue her; the one who had cried and watched Ryu die; the girl she was before the Exams was not the one she would be seen as.

She was Amaririsu Yūhi and Haya Uchiha of the Leaf Village. No one, not even her team, was allowed to underestimate her.

Amari dried herself off and wrapped her hair in a towel. After moisturizing her skin, she threw on the black shorts and sleeveless dark blue kimono-styled blouse left behind by her aunt, tying off her top with a black sash that reached her knee even when tied off right under her ribs.

Once done, she looked at the mirror again. The steam left behind by her warm shower obscured her reflection, hiding her within a haze that matched the tug-of-war between doubt and confidence she was warring with internally.

Amari unwrapped her hair and reached forward with the towel to wipe away part of the haze to see herself, albeit still obscured. Two mismatched colored eyes stared back at her, reflecting the dormant pain she had hidden so well.

I hope one day I can look into a mirror and see my happiness instead of the suffering. Lately it feels like I've been in a never ending cycle of physical and emotional beatings.

I know that life as a shinobi won't change. This path I've chosen to walk was never going to be sunshine and witty one-liners. It'll do everything in its power to strip me of my humanity, to turn me into a jaded, emotionless tool.

Amari sighed deeply and looked away from the mirror again. The path to finishing Ryu's dying wish, to finishing the path Shisui left her and then following her own to become a Jōnin Sensei would be one uphill struggle after another.

It may come with a lot of struggle and uphill battles, she repeated the lesson her cousin taught her.

Back then, both when he first told her and when she recalled it again on the bridge with Zabuza and Haku, she never grasped the true depth of those words. She had known he was right, but she didn't understand the emotional toll he spoke of, not until now at least.

The kunoichi glanced to her bandana and the warm words sewed into them. She eyed her Clan crests pendent and the Leaf symbol on her forehead protector.

But…I…

"But Haya Uchiha doesn't give up, no matter what she faces. She stands strong against any storm and carries the very best of her family and Clans on within her heart."

A small smile began to form on her lips as tears pricked at her eyes. And…even if…

"Even if the road is a hard one, she will always forge ahead because she doesn't know the word quit. But even if things get extremely rough she will always remain compassionate and follow her code of honor, love, respect and loyalty."

Amari rested her hand on the bandana and squeezed it tight; water dripped from it. Because that's who Amaririsu Yūhi and Haya Uchiha are, right, big brother?

"But then again, I don't have to tell you that, you already know!"

A broken laugh bubbled out of her as two tears streamed from her eyes. Because I have you with me, always.

"Stay strong for me Amari. I'll be at your side to the end, I promise."

The kunoichi cast her eyes to the forehead protector she earned for the same boy that promised to be at her side to the end. The boy she promised to become stronger for. Amari brushed her fingers across the cool metal and blinked more tears into existence. And I have Ryu at my side, to wherever this path leads me.

"You will never need to thank me, little one. Never. You are my child and I love you."

She sniffled, shoulders shuddering, and tightened her hand around her forehead protector but didn't bother to wipe away her tears. Why would she when she was smiling at the warm words gifted to her by her mother. A woman who had taken her in as her own when she had nothing except tears and gratitude to give her. And I have mom in my heart.

"I want you to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. Always have been, always will be. You're my cousin after all."

Amari released the forehead protector to grip her necklace in her hand tightly as she smiled through her tears. And I have Shika here whenever I need him.

There were others, of course. Others who were precious to her, others who she loved and remained in her heart always. But it was the memories of Shisui, Ryu, Kurenai and Shikamaru that embraced her with love and the strength she was in desperate need of.

Amari put her necklace back on and proceeded to wrap all of her clothes—with exception to her bandana and forehead protector—in the two towels she used. She also made sure to clean up the floor, blow her nose and wipe her tears away before exiting the bathroom into the master bedroom. The fractures and fissures in her heart were not fully mended, but she staunched the bleeding and bandaged it enough to get her through the rest of the day.

That was enough for her, at least for now.

She approached the closed door and…

"…And what facts are those?" Sasuke's voice carried his unease.

The audible click of a shogi piece being set penetrated the silence and was followed by Shikamaru's stern voice. "You're an idiot."

…They're here. Amari froze behind the door.

The hand reaching for the door slowly returned back to the bundled towel in her hands. Gloom shimmering eyes fell away from the door to the forehead protector and bandana lying on top of the towels.

"Save it, Sasuke. She told me everything." Shikamaru wasn't even attempting to hide his anger. "Delusional, naïve, half-breed. Ignoring the first two is easy, but that last one crosses a line I warned you not to cross."

Guilt once again penetrated her crumbled fortress to strike a crushing blow to her heart.

This was her fault. All of this was. Another fight was happening because she screwed up, again…and she couldn't bring herself to face any of them. Hesitation and fear paralyzed her behind the door. What if by going out there she screwed something else up? What if nothing she could say or do would ever bring her team back into balance?

Damn it…why can't I—

The opening of the bedroom door cut her thought off. Amari didn't need to look up to know who it was.

A gentle hand rested on her shoulder and guided her to take a few steps backwards. The door shut behind the newcomer and the bundle was removed from the young girl's hands, set on the floor next to them.

"…Aunt Yoshino…" I need help.

Those three words were so simple, yet they remained lodged in her throat, unable to break free and be heard by another.

Silently, her aunt pulled her into a warm embrace. Amari initially remained frozen, unsure of herself, afraid of losing all composure. Hesitantly, she reciprocated the embrace.

Yoshino held her close. Strong and protective. Warm and gentle. Unwavering in support. The hug felt like she had finally come home after years of wandering, or drinking a cup of hot cocoa and eating cookies by a warm hearth after trudging through a blizzard. Amari held onto her aunt, defenses lowering, and accepted the comfort, the hiccupping tears, the fears and all it entailed.

"Everything will be okay, Amaririsu." Yoshino's soft, calm voice soothed the soul.

She could only nod into her belly, unable to speak, unable to express her undying gratitude for this bastion of shelter Yoshino provided. Knotted, tangled threads of tension unwound as her aunt, unhurried in her actions, massaged gentle circles along her sniffling, shuddering back. Stroked her slightly damp hair.

Amari squeezed her burning eyes shut and inhaled deeply; the scent of fresh jasmine overwhelmed her. Each breath slowly settled her rattled nerves.

Right. Enough tears. She could fix this. Just like a medic could mend a broken bone, she could mend the fractures in her team and her heart. That was why she had been put on this team, wasn't it? To be the balancing point and watch after her team, that was the duty given to her by Iruka-sensei and Kakashi-sensei. They believed in her and her ability to keep Team Seven on the right path.

She couldn't let them or herself down.

Only an apology and a willingness to forgive were required to move forward. Sasuke coming here on what appeared to be his own volition meant he sought to apologize. It would be easy to say this all fell on him. He had thrown several barbs at her, barbs that still hurt if she were honest… But Amari didn't see herself as innocent.

For every painful barb he threw, she threw one right back with added killing intent. Maybe she had a right to express her feelings about the rest of the Uchiha Clan; tormenting children, bullying them into tears and moving to physically harm them was unacceptable and unforgivable.

Sasuke wasn't responsible for their actions, though. Even if he did call her delusional, naïve and barely stopped before saying half-breed, he wasn't responsible for the pain the other Uchiha's inflicted on her. He wasn't the one who cornered her in a back alley to hurt her or threw tomatoes at her.

Sasuke had fought at her side through tough battles without hesitation. He was a clan-sibling and someone she trusted with her life. If they were to get past this and trust one another again, both of them had to apologize.

Amari took one more breath of jasmine then released Yoshino from her iron grip.

"Thank you, Aunt Yoshino," she thanked genuinely.

She had needed that hug more than she realized. Next time I see Mimi, I'll have to ask her about prescribing me hugs. She'll get a good laugh out of that.

Yoshino smiled warmly at her and leaned down to kiss her on the top of her head. "You don't need to thank me, little shadow," she said. "Shikaku, Shikamaru and I all care deeply about you. You are a part of our family and are always welcome here." Happy and humbled, Amari hugged Yoshino again. "We already lost you once. I won't lose you again," her aunt murmured.

With the support of her memories and those around her, she would conquer this new struggle. Even if it took years, she would overcome.

That was a promise.

The aunt and niece released their embrace and shared smiles with each other. Amari moved to pick up her things but Yoshino beat her to it.

"I'll take care of this," she said as she picked up the bundle. "You and your team need to talk."

Amari nodded in agreement to the statement. Yes, they did need to talk. It would be difficult, but she would stay true to her nindo and walk the path ahead of her no matter how hard it was.

If I back down now, nothing will change. I'll remain the little girl who needs others to solve her problems, and the distance between me and Sasuke will only become larger.

Resolved to fix what happened, her eyes and brow set in unwavering determination. She would not let the Curse of Hatred hold sway over her or allow it to place a wedge between her and Sasuke.

A soft laugh made Amari awaken from her thoughts to Yoshino, who looked at her with nostalgic affection. "You look just like your mother in that outfit and with that determined look on your face."

Amari bashfully looked down at the kimono-styled blouse and began fiddling with the sash and the hem of it. "Is…this hers?"

"Yes. Shikaku and I were given permission to search for keepsakes within Mi… Within your mother's and father's home. Shikaku could never bring himself to throw it away. Small and insignificant as it may seem, it held memories he wasn't prepared to part with."

Amari nodded. "I understand."

"I wish you didn't," Yoshino admitted softly. "But your parents would be proud of you, for enduring as you have. As are Shikaku and I. If you would like to keep and wear it, I am sure Shikaku won't mind."

No offense to Uncle Shikaku, but that's because he wouldn't risk earning your ire. You have him wrapped around your finger, Aunt Yoshino. Even I can see that.

Amari kept the thought to herself and continued to fiddle with the top. She didn't mind the idea…but there was a distinct problem.

"It's…probably better if I don't."

"Oh? Why is that?"

"It's…" Heat flushed to her cheeks as the words used barrier ninjutsu to prevent themselves from leaving her throat. Amari swallowed as much of her embarrassment as she could and meekly voiced her plight. "…It's too big and loose…around my chest."

An amused smirk pulled onto her aunt's lips as mirth danced in her eyes. Her mouth never opened, but Amari could hear her laughter all the same. How embarrassing!

"You don't have to keep it if you will be uncomfortable wearing it." Yoshino pat her on the head and turned around to open the door. "But don't worry, Amaririsu. I'm sure you'll grow into it."

"That's what I'm afraid of," she muttered.

Without another word, they exited the bedroom and moved into the living room, where her team and Shikamaru were located. Sakura and Naruto sat on the couch, practically on the edge of the cushions from the tension. Sakura's attire was a simple blue kimono; her damp hair was a little messier than usual. Naruto dressed in one of her cousin's black shirts and shorts, his usual spiky blond hair lying flat on his head.

On the floor in front of them were Shikamaru and Sasuke sitting at a shogi board. Her cousin had his hair down—which was a little strange—and wore a simple grey t-shirt and shorts. Across from him was Sasuke in a similar getup as the other two boys, only his shirt was a darker grey than Shikamaru's.

Neither of the two boys sitting on the floor noticed her entrance, too focused on the small argument they were having. Naruto and Sakura did notice her though, and both brightened at the sight of her. Briefly their eyes shifted to her left arm, to the scars of the Lightning Blade displayed for all to see.

It was fitting, she supposed, that she would have to reveal all of her scars to them here and now, even the physical ones.

Nervously, she brought her right hand to her left elbow to cover up some of the scars. There was no way to cover them all; they were too vast in number and length, some curving this way and that.

Her team had all seen her scars at some point during the time together, but she preferred hiding them. They weren't pretty by any means, and they only served as a reminder to her and the others of the events that caused them.

"Good. Consider this your one and only freebee with me. But if you ever call her a half-breed again or hurt her the way you did today, I'll keep my promise. We clear?" Shikamaru threatened calmly.

"Crystal."

Their argument seemed to be at its end. This was her chance to make her stand and confront this issue head-on before anything else happened. She was grateful for Shikamaru's defense, but now it was time for her to take charge of the situation.

"Shika…"

Her voice, quiet and meek as it was, may as well have been the sudden, spontaneous crack of a lightning bolt. Every action, down to even minor finger movements, stopped. Instantly. The tension in the air tightened, constricted. All eyes were on her.

Unwilling to let anxiety best her, and with a reassuring squeeze to her shoulder from Yoshino, she continued. "May I speak with my team, alone?"

She phrased it as a question, but hidden beneath the surface layer was a silent plea only he could hear; the plea to let her handle this.

"Sure," he answered without even a moment's hesitation, nodding once.

Shikamaru lazily climbed onto his feet and began to take his leave. Amari intercepted his path with quicker, purposeful strides, wrapping her arms around his neck and embracing him tightly. "Thank you," she whispered, nuzzling into him.

Shikamaru's arm snaked around her back, chin resting on the top of her head. "If you need anything, just let me know."

I'll be nearby if you need me was the message he silently passed her.

"I will."

I know, but I'll be okay.

Shikamaru departed towards the kitchen, although not without Amari squeezing his hand one last time as he passed by. Trust me.

He squeezed her hand back. I do.

The kunoichi didn't bother to watch him leave. He wouldn't hover in sight of everyone as they talked—too troublesome. He would pick a tactical position hidden from sight but in hearing distance, that way he could monitor the situation and jump in if need be.

Thank you, Shika.

An awkward air permeated in the silence left by Shikamaru's departure. Her teammates were struggling to figure out where to begin; even her talkative best friend was at a loss for words.

Amari did not share their disadvantage. Through the reassurance of her memories and the comfort of Yoshino, the blinding hurt and anger that dulled her rationality finally lifted. Grief lingered. Aches remained. But she could think and see clearly again.

Dragging this out would only make it even harder for Sasuke. She could see the regret in his slumping body language, in the guilt ridden onyx eyes that couldn't meet hers.

He also had Shika bearing down on him, and I don't wish that upon anyone. The divide between her cousin and her clan-sibling was almost physically tangible.

Distrust. Anger. Disappointment. Protection.

Shame. Guilt. Confusion. Pride.

I can't worry about their emotions right now. The relationship between Shikamaru and Sasuke wasn't hers to control. She couldn't make them like or dislike each other; their issues were theirs to solve, not hers.

Here and now, Amari could only iron out the tension between herself and Sasuke. That's what she had power over. That's what she could control.

Coming down hard on Sasuke served no purpose, and she didn't have it in her to berate or yell at him for what he had said. Like her, Sasuke fell prey to the Curse of Hatred. It had twisted their minds, sealed away all rationality in the darkest corners of their mind so they would only feel red hot anger.

We'll have to learn to control our emotions better, but I'll worry about that tomorrow.

"Sasuke." The boy reluctantly looked up at her from the shogi board. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, pushing you and hitting you with killing intent. Having that memory of being chased by the bullies awakened and then hearing you almost call me the same insult they did… I won't lie, it hurt. A lot."

Her admission of pain made his eyes shift away from hers, likely to hide the overwhelming guilt he felt. She had to be honest, though. If she acted like his words didn't hurt, it was possible he might say them again.

"But in that hurt I turned to my anger and lashed out at you." She shook her head. "You didn't deserve that. A lot of what I yelled at you is how I feel about the Uchiha Clan members who tormented me. The things they said and did to me…I don't think I can ever forgive them for it."

"…I know," Sasuke said. "I can't blame you for feeling that way. The fear and pain you felt because of them…it's unforgivable."

"But you aren't among that group," she assured firmly. "You're my teammate, friend and clan-sibling. Our argument hasn't changed that, not for me anyways."

Amari sauntered forward and sat across from him. His eyes returned to the shogi board in response to her apology. It was fine. His prideful nature and her apology obviously made words escape him. He probably expected her to be distant instead of letting all her walls down for her team.

She had to do it, though. If she wasn't completely honest with them now, how could she ever expect them to be honest with her when they needed her instead?

As she waited for him to find his words, she examined the shogi board to see how the game had progressed and to decide on the next move. All it took was a glance over to see that Shikamaru had been playing tactically while Sasuke wasn't.

I could finish this game in a few moves where Shika left it.

Instead of ending the game, she began resetting the board so they could play from the start. It would keep them busy as the storm continued to rage on outside.

"…Why are you so forgiving?" Sasuke asked at length.

A flaw in her personality perhaps? She had readily risked her life for Haku despite thinking he killed Sasuke. She had let Gaara go despite what he had done to Lee and Hikari and what his Village had done to the Leaf. She was even willing to forgive Itachi and Aimi.

Compared all of that, forgiving a friend over an argument was easy. "Because you're my friend and I know you didn't really mean to call me a half-breed," she answered without looking up. "If you did, you wouldn't have sat there and let Shikamaru threaten you. You wouldn't even be here now if you really thought of me that way."

In the grand scheme of everything, if Sasuke saw her as the other Uchiha's had, she would mean less to him than the dirt under his sandals.

Unlike the other Uchiha, he sat here with her, a cloak of sorrow and guilt draped over his bent shoulders after enduring through Shikamaru's verbal lashing.

"That doesn't excuse it," he admitted.

She shook her head again. "No, it doesn't. Everything we do has an effect on the people we care for. Our hearts can be sincere and yet still hurt others, or even hurt ourselves without ever realizing it," Amari repeated Shisui's words. "When we're blinded by our anger, we're unable to see if what we're saying or doing is hurting the people we love most."

Amari looked at Sasuke from beneath her eyelashes to see where on the emotional spectrum those words left him. During their argument she failed to even consider doing that. It was a mistake she wouldn't make twice.

His eyes still didn't meet hers; they remained on the board between them, but he appeared to be taking the words to heart.

It was an opening she wouldn't let go to waste. "I promised Shisui to never let hatred or arrogance blind me. People like the ones who tormented me were consumed by the Curse of Hatred. They let it guide their actions. They… Well, you saw what they did to me. What they said. How they looked at me with those crazed eyes of hatred.

"I refuse to be like them. But that also means I've swore myself to a life of fighting against the Curse of Hatred and all it stands for. It's a struggle we'll both have to face every day of our lives."

"…Is it even possible to win that kind of fight?" Sasuke asked honestly.

Naruto opened his mouth to interject but was silenced by an elbow to the side from Sakura.

"I believe it's possible because of Shisui. He never lost his heart, not even when he was at the end of his life. He still felt anger, you saw that." Sasuke nodded. "But he accepted their existence instead of burying them. It helped him keep sight of himself.

"I'm not saying it will be easy, because it won't be. It's something we'll have to fight for the rest of our lives. But as long as we stick together, I believe we can beat it."

A beat of silence passed between them. Sasuke appeared to be contemplating her words and his own belief in them. Amari chose not to interrupt his thoughts. Either her words would reach him or they wouldn't. Speaking more wouldn't change the simple fact that Sasuke had to find the will to fight within himself and grab hold of it without someone handing it to him.

All she could hope for was that her words made the fire burn bright enough for him to see it.

While she waited, she busied herself with fixing the board. Upon nearing completion of resetting it, Sasuke nodded and said, "Yeah."

His response was simple, yet the conviction behind it was far stronger than she could have hoped for. Internally, she smiled triumphantly. She needed that win. It reaffirmed to Amari that her place as the balancing point still meant something.

I won't fail the duty Iruka-sensei gave me.

Finally Sasuke raised his eyes to meet hers with an apologetic look on his face. "I'm sorry for everything I said. I never meant to say anything to hurt you."

"I forgive you."

It was as easy as that. No drama, no long drawn out fights with her throwing the words he said back in his face. Just a simple apology to get them all back on the same page.

Half of her mission was complete. Now came the difficult part.

Amari set the final piece in place then inhaled deeply and exhaled through her mouth. "There's something else I want to talk to you about," she flicked her eyes over to her other two teammates, "all of you. It's something I need you all to understand for the sake of our team."

They all perked up at the seriousness in her voice. "We're all ears, Amari," Naruto responded eagerly. "Whatever you need, we're ready to do it."

Sakura and Sasuke dipped their heads in agreement to their knucklehead's statement.

"Thank you," she thanked. She shut her eyes and inhaled one last deep breath to calm her nerves. "Guys… I know ever since I was taken down by Itachi that you've all been severely worried about me. You've all made an extra effort to be as gentle with me as possible as I recovered, and I appreciate that more than you know."

When she opened her eyes, she looked between both Sasuke and the couch. "The truth is I have been struggling every day with what happened. At first a simple reminder of Shisui could bring me to tears because of how much I miss him."

Shikamaru witnessed her grief, as had Kurenai. Her team, on the other hand, hadn't seen it at all, because she hid it from them.

"I miss Shisui every day," she continued in a low voice. "Not a day goes by now that I don't think about him or our bond or our final moments together. Just talking about him now makes my heart ache something awful in my chest."

"Amari, you don't need to push this," Sakura tried to soothe.

Amari shook her head. "No, I need to talk about this. I feel if I had just been honest about all of this from the start, Sasuke and I never would have argued. That's why I need you to let me continue."

Reluctantly, all three of her teammates nodded in agreement.

"I suffer from nightmares, too. Mostly it's been the Lightning Blade. A few nights lately have been about Sandayū and the samurai being massacred."

The young girl lifted up her left hand and looked down at its still form and the scars scrawled across her forearm. She could almost see the blood, the violent twitches.

"Moments like those have haunted my dreams since they happened." She glanced over to Sakura. "Like how you found me on the boat ride back from the Land of Snow."

Both boys turned to Sakura in shock. "Wait, you knew about this?" Naruto accused.

"She didn't know until our trip back," Amari interjected in her defense. "And I appreciate you not telling them, Sakura. Truly. Thank you for everything you did that night and for keeping it secret."

"I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

Maybe one day they could discuss it in depth…

"Yeah but—"

Not tonight, though.

"Naruto, I haven't confessed all of this to make you all overly sensitive to my feelings," she cut him off again.

Naruto stared at her in open confusion.

"It…isn't easy for me to talk about these things I deal with. Only my mom, Kakashi-sensei and my family here know, in some capacity at least." Asuma, too, but explaining that would be awkward. "And I like it that way. I don't like people worrying about me."

Her best friend was quicker on his response. "But how are we supposed to help if you hide it?"

The girl released a soft breath through her nose and let her shoulders sag at his question. I managed to get this far. I can't back down now.

"I have to fight my own internal battles, Naruto. No one can fight them for me." He went to argue, but was silenced by her raising her hand. "Listen, please," she pleaded. "The reason I hid it so long is because I knew each of you would grow over-protective in your own ways. I don't want that."

"Why not?" asked Sakura.

"Because I don't want you three doubting my abilities or treating me any different because of this," she stated firmly. "This pain I'm dealing with hasn't changed anything about my skills. I'm still a fully functional and capable kunoichi. I don't need you three foolishly throwing yourselves in front of me to protect me in a fight or asking to give me extra reinforcements while you're all handling situations like we always do.

"If that's what you think I need, it means you think I'm a liability on missions, and I will not accept that. I am not a liability or a weakling. I can handle myself."

"Okay, so what do you want from us?" Sasuke questioned.

"If you three want to help me, just be yourselves. I'm not asking Shika to be Shisui for me. I just need him to be the lazy bones I know and love. The same goes for you three. You three don't need to change how you treat me or tiptoe around me. I'll get through this. I just need time to get my footing. Okay?"

"We can do that," Sakura agreed.

Sasuke nodded silently in agreement. Naruto was the last of them to respond, sighing heavily before he did. "All right. Just…just let us know if you need anything."

Amari smiled at him and nodded. "I will. Now," she turned her head back to face Sasuke, "this storm isn't letting up anytime soon, so let's see how much better you are at shogi."

The boy sighed. "This is punishment for earlier, isn't it?"

"You'll have to find out. If I thoroughly thrash you in a few minutes, you'll know I'm attempting to embarrass you."

He sighed again but submitted to playing the game with her.

Shikamaru rejoined them a few minutes after the main conversation ended, lounging lazily on the love seat as they discussed their missions as of late, all of which consisted of D-rank errand missions that none of them were entirely happy about.

The storm lasted for hours, raging on outside of the Nara household until night had fallen over the Leaf Village. Shikaku arrived when the storm finally settled down to a light rain; Amari noticed him do a double take when he noticed her outfit. He chuckled and murmured something under his breath she hadn't caught.

Yoshino was kind enough to wash and dry their clothes as well as cook them all dinner. Amari tried to help, but was immediately shooed out of the kitchen and told to go relax.

Troublesome adult.

By the time the storm lightened up to walk home safely and dry, all four members of Team Seven and Shikamaru were either passed out on the couches or barely clinging to wakefulness.

Amari fell into the latter group with Shikamaru, the pair still playing a game of shogi as Sasuke laid passed out on the couch with Sakura lying on the other half of it. Naruto sprawled out on the love-seat, his arm hanging off one side as a bit of drool trailed out of his mouth.

Each of the sleeping members had pillows and blankets thanks to Yoshino while Amari herself had wrapped a light blanket around her body. Exhaustion was creeping in, making it hard to keep her eyes open despite her interest in the game. It had been a long night for all of them in different ways, but there was one last thing she wanted to say to Shikamaru.

"Shika," she spoke quietly to not disturb the others.

"Mm."

"I love you."

"I love you too, 'Risu."

Hearing the words one last time allowed a peaceful sleep to finally claim her.

No matter how hard the fight was, as long as she had the love and support of her family and her team she would keep fighting. Her path ahead would be tough and she had no doubt there would be more pain along the way, but she would overcome the Curse of Hatred and walk her path to the end.

Because that's who I am.

Review Response to Guest: Amari wasn't able to hear everything between Sasuke and Shikamaru due to her interactions with Yoshino, but she heard enough and noticed through the tense air between them how at ends they are right now. It is likely she'll learn that piece of truth about the Tailed-Beasts later on, but I can't guarantee when it'll happen.

I can't comment much on how the Sasuke Retrieval arc without spoilers, but you are right to assume Shikamaru's opinion of Sasuke will deteriorate further if it plays out the same way.

Shikamaru was promoted I think right before the Retrieval arc, or at least that's how I remember it happening. There's a reason no one has been promoted yet, and the answer to that will come at the end of the next upcoming arc.

It's safe to say Tsunade has a very basic understanding of the dialogue with the Mist through discussions with Shikaku, who would have been informed by Atsuko about her stay in the Mist. There'll be more seen of this in the future.

Kisame's fate may very well change. I can't say more than that without spoilers.

I've considered giving Amari a Sage Mode with the Crows, but I haven't committed to the idea yet. I'm still debating with it.

Thank you for the review!

Review Response to ChillinInKonoha: Although there were no continued discussions in this chapter of the truth and the theories Amari/Haya has, this is far from the last conversation Amari and Sasuke will have on the subject of their argument and the truth. Sasuke may have experienced the memories Amari imparted onto him and witnessed the information, but he's still processing it all. Amari, as seen in this chapter, was also still in an emotional flux. Neither wanted to push it when it could still so easily spiral out of hand again.

In the anime everything fell apart after the Land of Tea/Idate Morino arc, where the Rain shinobi who betrayed the Leaf and tortured Ibiki taunted Sasuke and attacked his pride and made him feel inferior, which led to the hospital rooftop fight with Naruto. We're edging closer to the eventual return of Orochimaru and the Sound Four, but I won't say when.

I wouldn't underestimate Shikamaru. He may not be a reincarnation of a divine one, but he is a crafty shinobi capable of coming up with a plan to defeat Hidan and Kakuzu, two guys who were basically immortal. Plus, he's actually taking his training seriously now, and when it comes to his 'Risu he gets extra protective, even if expending all that energy is a huge drag.

I know most of the serious filler arcs from Part 1, though I couldn't name them off the top of my head right now.

I don't think there's much she can do in term of teaching them summonings, plus it'd be pretty weird and hard to coordinate(for me) everyone having a summoning creature. As for their Chakra affinities, there is the possibility of that.

She'll definitely have some thoughts and feelings about how her peers have grown up.

Thank you for the review!