KIRBY'S LIVE MAGIC SHOW!
"The break is over!" announced Kirby. This was wholly unnecessary, as the people in the audience would have noticed the huge flashing neon signs around the stage saying 'THE BREAK IS OVER', and the people watching on TV would probably have guessed by using their ninja detective skills.
The audience cheered anyway, because Kirby was the most amazing real magician ever.
"For my next trick," said Kirby, "I shall pull a rabbit out of a hat!"
Kirby took his hat off.
Kirby went backstage, and dragged a rabbit back onstage.
Kirby stuffed the rabbit into the hat. It screamed in agony.
Kirby pulled the rabbit out of the hat.
The audience clapped.
"And just to show how amazing I am," said Kirby, "I'll put the rabbit back in!"
Kirby pushed the rabbit back in.
"You're going straight to the oven," Kirby whispered, tossing the rabbit backstage.
"For my next trick," said Kirby, "I'm going to need a human-sized volunteer. Like Marth."
"I'll-a do it," offered Luigi.
"I said like Marth," said Kirby, annoyed.
Marth walked onstage, waving to the audience. All the conveniently-placed rabid fangirls cheered.
"That's right," said Kirby. "I'm going to saw Marth in half!"
The audience cheered even louder.
"Cool," said Marth. "So do I step into a box or something?"
"Actually," said Kirby, "a box is a little bit, uh, kleshed. I mean, clee-shed. Clichéd? Point is, I thought I'd try something a bit different."
"So?" said Marth.
"Drum roll," said Kirby.
Above the stage, a Koopa dragged a boulder onto a timpani and let it roll around.
"I'm going to cut Marth in half – not while he's in a box where you can't see him – but in a huge, human-sized, pre-sliced bread roll!" announced Kirby.
The audience gasped. What an audacious trick!
A huge bread roll was pushed onto stage, neatly cut into two pieces.
"Okay," said Marth eagerly. "By the way, Kirby, you're fantastic!"
"Compliments later," said Kirby modestly. "I'm hungry. I mean, I'm impatient to get this trick started."
Marth lay down on one of the half bread-rolls. Kirby walked over, took the other half bread-roll, and put it on top of Marth. It could be called a Marth sandwich, really, except that associating anything in this story with the very act of eating is just stupid. So just Marth-in-a-bread-roll.
"Exciting, isn't it?" said Kirby in a stage whisper.
The audience all made a lot of noise in assent.
"Okay!" said Kirby, pulling out a large saw from behind his back. "It's time!"
Huge cheers from the crowd.
Kirby started sawing at the huge bread roll.
"I don't know about this," said Marth, suddenly looking a bit worried.
"Don't worry," said Kirby. "You're in good hands."
Kirby continued to saw at the bread roll.
"Ow," said Marth. "That hurt."
"Just part of the trick," said Kirby, continuing to saw.
The audience watched with bated breaths.
"Seriously," said Marth. "It feels like I've been slashed across the stomach with a sword."
"It's just an illusion," Kirby whispered. "Don't scream or you'll look silly."
"Oh, okay," said Marth, smiling.
Kirby continued to saw.
The audience watched as Kirby pushed the saw all the way through. He had sliced the bread roll in half!
"Is Marth okay?" gasped some over-anxious lady in the audience.
"Yes," said Kirby, "he's just swell. Aren't you, Marth?"
Silence.
"He said yes," said Kirby.
The crowd gave a standing ovation to Kirby, lasting a whole hour.
"Thank you, thank you," said Kirby, bowing.
Red stuff started dripping out of the bread roll.
"Oops," said Kirby, walking over to the side of the stage and flicking off the huge main light switch.
The lights went out, and the audience gasped in panic.
"OH NOES! MURDER!" shouted some over-excitable dude.
The lights went on, and the audience sighed in relief.
"Temporary power failure," said Kirby.
The audience nodded knowingly.
"Hey, where's Marth gone?" called someone.
Everyone else looked at the stage. The bread roll with Marth in it was gone! What had happened?
"Oh, uh," said Kirby, "he, uh, went back to Altea. And, uh, took the bread roll with him. He's sorry he didn't get to say goodbye."
"Oh," said lots of people in the audience. The Fire Emblem fangirls ran off to Altea to get a picture of themselves taken with Marth.
"Well," said Kirby, wiping a bit of blue hair from his mouth, "it looks like that's all we have time for before the people sponsoring this show bombard you with sensationalistic advertising! I hope you all enjoy the ads or stuff!"
The great Tiki demands human sacrifices. Or reviews. Reviews taste like young maidens, and are more nutritious.