AN: Heh… nothing really. Hope this works. In the flashback, Akito's just (in the sense of "recently" not "merely") eight and Kyo's five.
Solitude:
Among them, but not of them.
-Lord Byron
Really a homesickness for God.
-Hubert zon Zeller
Chapter Nine
Present
Damn rat. It's all his fault… I'm cold as hell, too.
I don't have to be outside. That's what Shishou'd tell me, and Hatori and Shigure and… everyone.
All of them. With their bond. All together at their banquet, right now. Somewhere under the roof I'm lying on, though I can never really figure where exactly.
So yeah, I could be inside with the other "insiders" who don't happen to be cursed, like Shishou.
Only I'm not one of them, either. None of them are forbidden to get close to anyone for fear of the curse.
And neither group knows… what it's like to not be able to get close to anyone because you'll only hurt them, to be rejected by everyone who matters long before they know you because of an accident of birth. None of them know what it's like to have Akito look at you like you're nothing and to care.
I pull my coat tighter around myself and blink my eyes a few times to make sure I can still do it.
I could crash. I imagine that every year. I'd just stride right on in, and… what?
When I was little, that was easy to follow up on. I'd challenge the rat. He'd look nervous but Akito would nod at him and he'd have to accept.
I'd beat him easily.
Akito would tell him to take the foot of the table, this half-formed idea of a person with gray eyes and hair, and I would sit next to god, by Kisa and across from Haru.
Haru wouldn't rush to the rat with lovesick puppy eyes.
Hatori would give me one of those looks only Momiji can pull from him.
Shigure would say… I don't know, dammit. One of those fancy things he says, only not making fun of me.
Kagura would realize that I don't like her like that and respect my wishes enough to stop demanding marriage, and just leave me alone like she really wants.
Akito and Yuki…
The rat would look up at me for once, because I would be better.
Akito would smile, a real smile, not a smirk. Like the ones I've seen him give Shigure or Hatori or... that rat. At me. I don't want him playing with my hair like he's always doing to the others – what's with the touchy-feelies anyway? – but it wouldn't hurt if he just…
I don't know. Looked at me like he does at them. Like, if we're property, we're cherished property.
To be part of a "we."
It's sick. My mind's completely twisted. But the whole point of the curse… it's horrible and everything, but it's supposed to have an upside, right? We're in our own little world, aren't we?
So why can't I get in?
I've been trapped in the doorway all my life, and I can't keep living like this. I'm always just inches from falling, and I can't reach anyone to hold onto me. No one even sees.
Sick or not, it's what I want. And it will never happen.
I mean, not like that, anyway. That's just an embarrassing old fantasy, stale and transparent. So after I walk in… I don't know anymore. I don't know what to picture. And I can't try it.
Not until I beat him. And I will. I'll fucking win and then…
And then…Well, here's how it is now. I get it, okay, Akito? Unseen, uninvited, unwanted, however you want to put it.
Fuck, it's cold. So cold my chest hurts. The stars look close enough to touch, in this weather… Like I could reach up and take one.
I close my eyes and they're gone.
Minutes later, a hot hand closes over my eyes and a light, violently cheerful voice says, "Kyo-kun, you could die of exposure doing this!"
"What!" I go to jump up, but find I can't because of the lump of warm weight straddling me.
My eyes open because Kagura's hand has melted off the ice in my lashes, and I swear under my breath, knowing what the water probably looks like. And where'd ice come from anyway? Fucking stupid ice.
"Kyo, oh my Kyo!" She cries, pulling my torso up into a suffocating embrace. "To think, you were alone out here, pining away for your lover!"
Kagura's voice is choked, but not as choked as mine. I'm the one being slowly strangled.
"God – dammit… woman… off… air!"
"Hey, Gura-oneechan," Haru taps her on the shoulder behind the spots in front of my eyes. "He's turning colors."
"Oh! Of course, he's cold!" She bounces back and runs over to Rin, who's just climbing up. "Thanks, Isuzu-chan," she chirps, grabbing the thermos Rin apparently carried.
Huh. Gun to her head? Blackmail?"Here, Kyo-kun!" She shoves it into my hands. I'd throw it at her, but it is really, really cold out.
I unscrew the top and start drinking so I won't have to say anything. It's hot chocolate, made with lots of milk like I like.
"Is it good?" She asks anxiously.
Rin settles down on Haru's other side and says placidly, "He loves it."
"Do you?" Kagura's eyes are shining like I just confessed to her.
"Like hell!"
"Oh… didn't I make it right?" Now her eyes are even shinier, and swimming along with it. "I thought… that my devotion to you would flavor it with love…"
I spit some out. "What?"
Haru pats my shoulder. "He's overwhelmed."
I glare at him, but when she honestly starts leaking, I emit, "It's… really… nice."
"It is?" God, the woman can change moods on a dime.
"You've got quite a view," Haru says, standing up to look at the stars. They look like chips of ice in the sky.
I look away. "What're you guys doing up here?" They come up nearly every year, and I never get why.
Kagura's here every time. And every time she shows up, I see her running away again. I'll always see her running away.
"You're gonna fall," Rin says disinterestedly to Haru, ignoring me
He grins at her and spreads his arms like wings. "You could touch the stars," he says.
"Stupid ox," I mutter. "No one touches stars."
"Kyo-kun," Kagura says more softly, "Do you want a star? I think you should have one!" She reaches under her puffy coat and long dress-robe sleeves and unhooks a silver charm bracelet, then rips off a stupid, chubby-faced, grinning star with five points. She holds it out.
"What? No, I don't want a –!" Her eyes are glowing. "FINE! Give it to me!" I snatch it. I can always throw it out later.
It beams up at me from my palm, reflecting real starlight and idiotically happy about that. Stupid star.
I look at the others. "You never answered me. Why're you here?"
"Nothing better to do."
"Oh, you know. Like I said, there's a view."
"Where else would I go, my love?"
I look at the star in my hand again. I guess… for being not-real… it's okay.
Ten Years Earlier
I glare at the floor of the room – long, wide boards. Boring. And the rest of our room is just a closet and some beds. This is stupid and I want to go out and play with everyone. What's the point of being at the Main House if I can't play with anyone?
It's okay when Mom's here. I'm used to her. Being with her, that's home. But she's not here right now. Some other grown-up came into our rooms and talked to her, and I heard Ren-sama's name, and then she had to leave for a while.
She told me to stay here, so I'm going to, but it's still boring.
No one usually bothers Mommy and me. We pretty much keep to ourselves, and people don't mind except Dad.
He yells sometimes, about how she's wasting her life on a monster. Once she asked him which one he meant and he hit her.
Usually, though, no one minds. So when the door opens and it isn't Mommy, I'm kind of startled.
"Akito-san," I say, knowing I'm forgetting something. I look up at Shigure-nii behind him and he bends forward at the waist a little.
I roll my eyes, but I bow because Mommy will be upset if I make Akito mad, and I'll be happy if he isn't mad myself.
"Kyo," he responds. He sounds irritated already, even though I haven't done anything. He holds out his right hand for my left. "My mother says I have to see your true form. Give me your bracelet."
"Huh?" I gape at him.
Kyo? Kyo, is your bracelet on, honey?
Make sure your bracelet doesn't fall off.
Be careful with that hand, sweetie…
Don't you ever, ever take this off, you understand?
"I – I can't take it off," I stammer. "I'm not allowed."
Akito shakes his head and smirks. "Come here, Kyo."
I walk over to the doorway, glancing at Shigure again. His face looks scary. He's always smiling, and now… he looks so distant, like something bad is happening and he's going to go away and watch from a safe distance.
"Give me you hand," Akito says. He sounds more patient now, and he pats my head. I glare, because he's only a little bit taller than me, but I don't mind that much. "How bad can it be, Kyo? It's how you really are, isn't it? This…" he waves a hand at me vaguely. "This is just a mask. There's a reason it's called your 'true form,' is there not?"
"I – no, I'm…"
"A monster." He
puts a hand on my cheek, cold and comforting. "But you're my
monster. So stop worrying so much."
He slips a hand down my arm
and hooks my bracelet, pulling it off. Maybe I should have pulled
away. But no one pulls away from Akito, and…
Right up until the beads were gone, I hoped that he meant it, that he wasn't wrong. Maybe he would change his mind and let me in, maybe he'll let me come to the banquet in a few hours.
Then they were gone, and my wrist was suddenly very, very cold.
I won't let anyone see you.
I back away, tripping over my feet.
No one look… at my child.
My insides rip apart and my outsides shatter, and things in my head and heart twist into painful shapes.
New ones? Or… old ones? Reversion to natural form…
I could tear them apart.
"It's disgusting." Akito's voice filters through the red surrounding me, through the smell and the rage and the hunger.
He sounds startled.
"This is Kyo's true form?" He doesn't sound startled anymore. He just sounds far away.
Leaving…"His body's all warped and ugly. And what's that smell?" He puts his free hand over his face, sleeve hiding everything but his eyes, inclining toward Shigure-nii. Shigure-nii just stands there, and looks at this.
At me.
And they both get farther away.
"He smells terrible. It smells like something rotting." I wish I could run, I wish I could get away before…
I don't want to watch them leave.
"Is this the cat spirit's true form?" His eyes won't let go of me, but they won't pull me in either.
"It's disgusting." He drops my bracelet on the floor just inside the room.
I look at Gure-nii, but even he can't hide the sickness he feels.
It's disgusting.
Me, I'm disgusting. Not it, Kyo, you, you, you.
"I've seen," Akito sighs, reaching for Shigure's hand. "Let's go back now."
The form recedes then,
and I'm cold and vulnerable and human, clothes crumpled on the
floor. I hunch over, shivering and praying that they'll go.
Don't
look at me from so far away… far away eyes…
But Akito stops abruptly and comes back. I feel his yukata brush my bare shins and hunch closer around my knees, sobs coming out dry and hoarse, shaking from how hard I try not to let them out.
His hands are colder than the air, tilting my chin up and making me look at him. "Kyo," he says, "now I know how horrible you are." He still looks revolted, and he kneels down to face me, wrapping his arms around me, without any attempt to hide it. "You're repugnant, and that monster is who you really are. All of this… your orange hair, your favorite food, the colors you hate, the way you yell when you're afraid… it's nothing but a mask." He kisses my forehead and twists his mouth with displeasure. "But you're still my monster." His voice goes cold. "I want you to stay away from everyone, you understand? I don't want your infection to spread."
He stands up and walks away, and this time the door closes behind him.
I can't look up. I want to, I want to look up and see that Shigure…
I want to see Akito…
I never will.
My curse isn't this monster, this… me. It's that I'll be alone because of it. And I won't forget that again.
Be alone.
Their curse is the place Akito holds in their hearts. Mine is that there's a space for him, where he should be in me, where he has a grip.
But it's empty.
AN: Kyo-kun! This one was easier to write, anyway. Though the entire chapter got a last minute re-write in the extreme. The second scene was completely different originally… apparently I can't go very long without writing Akito. I go into withdrawal. Really though, it was just an extension of the first one and I think Kyo needs some intense angst. Kid's had it rough.
You know another thing I go into withdrawal without? Yeah, that would be reviews.