AN: I'm baaa-aaack! And sickly, but torturing others will help me get better faster. So here. Pain to you, pain to the characters, and I'm happy.
And about the quote – it's from a song that a) I owe thanks to Katia-chan for giving to me and b) is totally a Yuki song. The boy could've written it, and these lines in particular bring him to mind. But these lines also call up Rin for me, the way she (slight SPOILER in remainder of sentence) equates her sickness with her parents' rejection of her and everything.
And while we're on the subject of spoilers, if you don't know the situation with Rin and her parents, this may be a chapter to skip. Unless you want big honking insinuations.
One last thing here – the "Present," for the first time, doesn't pick up where the last one left off but skips ahead twenty-four-odd hours.
Dedication and Disclaimer: See first two chapters.
Lie to me
Convince me that I've been sick forever
And all of this
Will make sense when I get better…
-"Breathe No More," Evanescence
Chapter Eleven
Present
I do not like parties. In fact, I hate parties. Though maybe I'm biased – the only parties I've bothered going to are family ones.
They don't tend to endear the concept of gatherings to me.
This damn family… it's like a blanket. It envelops us, and it could be warm and comforting. Instead it's used to smother and stifle, binding like a web.
To control.
I don't like being controlled.
And you know what the worst thing is, I tell myself as I wade through the crowd of polite, pretty people at the first night of Sanga Nichi, it's that not all of them are complete bastards.
If they were, bonds of blood and magic through the centuries wouldn't even make me stumble on the way out.
I like to think that, anyway…
But the fact is I can't leave, can't do anything, because they're not. Because I can't stand without Haru, and I can't admit defeat and leave Gure-nii to plot without seeing what happens. Because who would I turn to if not Hiro? And the others, all of us. Especially Aya-nii, Momiji, and Kagura. They are so fucking irritating, those three, with their fixation on never growing up. They never take anything seriously but their pathetic unrequited loves and act so fixedly happy all the time, like it's fooling anyone beside casual acquaintances. They're so retardedly happy, I can't even be around them. They really bother me.
But what if they weren't there to avoid?
Besides, running is for losers. And I'm not going to lose.
So I glare at hypocritical smiles from cheating men and superior smirks from women who are downing mood elevators like I'd knock back water on a hot day, at grudgingly interested stares from kids stiff and uncomfortable in clothes they were forced into, still avoiding daddy from his last blow-up.
"We have a happy home, don't we, Isuzu-chan."
No. No one has a happy home; it wasn't real then. But I'll get better and then… then everything will be alright… I'll be…
I smile, and laugh out loud because if I don't do that I'll start crying.
Who is it that's fixated on an unrequited love, Isuzu?
At least… well, at least the banquet's done with. Now it's just more normal oppressiveness. Irritated parents and unhappy children. It's been pretty mellow all day.
Give it till tomorrow.
There are just too many of us Sohmas, all packed in here like sardines. Tempers fray. It's sort of funny, really, the way we all do this to ourselves. It's funny in the same way it's funny to watch someone cut themselves or smoke or drink.
I've only ever done two of those things, for the record.
Never ends well… but here we are. I see Yuki, people clustering, drifting around the witty, charming rat like always. I don't know if it's more disgusting that they pretend to care or that he smiles his Perfect Smile and lets them. That smile that makes you feel like the center of the room, special. It's a knack he has, manipulating feelings with a look.
Akito has it in spades. And they can both use it to make you feel like dirt.
But he's not the point. Him being there means Haru or Akito will be nearby, and I'm in luck.
"Here." I shove the plate of hors d'oeuvres under Haru's nose. He forgets practical things too easily when he's looking out for someone, and of course Yuki couldn't remind him…
"Aaa, look..." Haru gazes dazedly at the plate. "Rin's serving food."
"Shut up," I reply pleasantly. Simple is sometimes best.
"So how's your night?" Haru asks, taking the plate and popping a nori roll into his mouth.
"Not so bad. Just boring enough that I came over to interrupt the make-out session."
"You haven't physically injured anyone yet?" Yuki asks dryly.
I smirk at him and slide down to the wall to plop onto the floor. "You look tired. Why don't we all have a nice, comfortable seat?" My eyes fly wide. "Oh, I'm sorry! You probably can't today, can you?"
Haru, who had been giving Yuki his reproachful eyes, turns them on me. "Hey, guys," he protests before Yuki can come back at me. "Frostbite's not gonna help anyone."
"Never mind," I mutter. Because god knows it's okay to get raped as long as now one talks about it.
God, this family…
With Haru and me pushing the limits of the dress code and all, our corner's beginning to filter down, and Yuki leans back against the wall. Not sitting, because that would be rude, although in all fairness my shot wasn't spot on – it probably doesn't hurt that much anymore - and anyway I think Akito was with Kureno last night, judging from the external indicators of Gure-nii's mood: Ha-nii and Aya-nii's hovering.
Haru's plate is cleaned, I note. I've been watching it empty…
I hope I didn't piss him off.
And before I can get defensive, he smiles down at me, shaking his head.
I relax.
And here's the star of the gathering…
As Akito closes in on us, I thank all that's holy (except him) that I got there first. Three's a good number. Too many for couples-jealousy, too few for plotting-jealousy.
"Isuzu," he greets me, detaching himself from Gure-nii's arm and linking his own over Yuki's shoulders with a studious look and smile at Haru.
"Akito…san," I respond, sticking on the suffix just before it's too late off Haru's raised eyebrow.
He smiles at me as Yuki puts a supportive hand on his back. "You're looking well." Just enough of a sneer that I'm not sure if he means it, though I know I don't care. "And Hatsuharu? Are you enjoying yourself?"
"Pretty decorations," Haru says affably.
"Stunning," he agrees in exactly the same tone Yuki used a few minutes ago on me.
"Yeah, they're eye watering," I say, which could be true if you cried at the sight of a bunch of paper and plastic that cost enough to make everyone sure they're Tasteful. "C'mon, Haru, okay? I want to see if Momiji left any jellies." I grab his hand, hoisting myself up, and we bow to Akito and drift off. Haru won't have to watch his darling get mauled, and Akito won't have to jealous, and…
And that's the best I can do.
One Year Earlier
Finally.
Sanga Nichi is over, and I can go h - well, I can leave the Main House. Good as, ne? Anyway, I can focus on other things, not worry about fights and whining and suffocating dresses.
So, joy.
As I stride down the path and away, I notice Akito in one of his windows off to the side and wonder if he'll know how deeply sarcastic I'm being if I wave. I settle for nodding. His eyes lock on mine and he smiles a little, the kind of smile that makes you wonder if you've got a "Kick Me" sign taped to your back or paint smeared on your face. Then, of course, he disappears into the gloom.
"Rin!" Hiro comes out of nowhere, glaring like I've made off with his heirloom rattle. "I'm going with you."
I ruffle his hair with a grin. "So in normal-speak, you need someone to walk you home?"
"No! Fine, walk alone. God, you're so defensive. It's really pathetic."
"I'm defensive? Why you hypocritical little punk!"
We both know he'll walk with me. His mom's probably driving him nuts. And probably… I don't want to think about a nine-year-old pitying me, protecting me, but… it is kind of…
"Jeeze, Rin. Get worked up over an innocent comment from a kid, why don't you."
"Squirt."
"Witch."
"Infant."
"Bitch."
"Where the fuck did you learn that word?" We're clear of the House now, its shadow receding.
"Okay, I want you to repeat the question very slowly and see if you can't figure it out."
"It must have been that Kyo."
"And now you're delusional, to boot."
"Stuff it. We're at your stop." I look at the dark path winding on to "home."
Makes a house a home…"Hey, you could tell your mom you're staying over with me."
His face freezes, openly guilty. "I… I can't. My mom kind of needs me home tonight." So that we can be the family, her and me, not the juunishi. And you can't stay here, because it has to be us.
"Right." Must be nice.
"See you tomorrow?" A hint of apology, but it's not his fault, is it? He didn't choose his parents any more than I did. I'm sorry, but what could I do? What…
"Yeah."
I wheel and walk off into the dark… disappear into the gloom. Of course…
"Oh, Isuzu-chan!" Kagura tries to sound happy, she really does. Sitting at the little round table, just enjoying being with her mother – even her father's there.
She tries to like me, too. To get along. But that's just it; she has to try. With (almost) everyone else she just is her sweet, perfect if volatile self, and they love her.
I make her try.
Her parents turn to face me too, smiling.
I'm worse than a stepchild. No one here belongs to me.
They're speaking, saying what they should, what parents might say, or babysitters. But I can't hear them, and all I can see as I rush up the stairs to my room is their circle of happy faces, looking inward until I came and they turned.
How, because of me, they splintered.
AN: So there we have it. Darling Isuzu-chan. I've taken her not-eating-in-front-of-people and even then only-eating-things-she-likes and made it fairly explicit anorexia, which is implied but not stated in the manga. But I can relate, as can a few in my family, so I know where I'm coming from there… comfortable, I suppose. I like my comfort zone. It may be painted black, but it's nice in here. The people in my head know me well.
And they're telling me that I need reviews.
Ja… and the references to Yuki and Akito… I try to dance around the Spoiler, but the fact remains that Akito's Not Spoilered here. Not that Akito couldn't, you know… if there was spoiler… but it would be a slightly different physical affair.