AN: Yet again, we skip forward those lovely twenty-four hours. More, actually. I don't like doing it, but with only fourteen chapters and so much on the first day needing to be covered…

The song. About that, yes… This is "The Riddle" from the concept album of The Scarlet Pimpernel. I cannot stress that enough. I hadn't heard the finished Pimpernel until a few days ago and I am horrified. I'm sure it'll grow on me, but it really did go downhill. The singing, music, even the words they changed… if you listen to the song, which I highly recommend, for god's sake find the concept album.

And I tried to not put it all in, I really did, but it's just so perfect I couldn't help it. I owe thanks to HulaHula, also, for the format – splitting the song up between the beginning and end. The only thing I could think of was all at the beginning or interruption-style songfic, which I don't think I could pull off. She wasn't actually advising me about this fic, but I have pilfered her goodwill nonetheless, so yay for her!

For dedication and disclaimer, see first two chapters.

Chauvelin:

See the moon slink down in the sky darling
Every dream is a lie, darling,
Life is cold and the game is old
Marguerite:
Just see how dreaming repays you,
You turn and someone betrays you,
Betray him first, and the game's reversed
Both:
For we all are caught in the middle
Of one long dangerous riddle
Can I trust you?

Should you trust me too?

And we're all alone in this hell
And we all have secrets to sell
And there comes a day

When we sell our souls away

Chauvelin:
Here's the one sweet lesson of history
Ev'ry soul is a mystery,
Faces change,

What you knew grows strange

Marguerite:
And we all have so many faces,
The real self often erases
With all those lies, dancing in our eyes…

Chapter Thirteen

Present

This is the last night.

I keep telling myself that, but can't afford to lose sight of the fact that it isn't true. That it will be every single night until I make this stop. Until I can hold my dream in my hands…

But this will, at least, be the last night for nearly a year – less a few days, but who's counting? – that I have to stare at the ceiling and know that somewhere under this same roof he's in someone else's arms.

Probably Yuki, tonight. He'll need a more recent reminder than I.

I'll make it the rest of the year on two nights of seeing Akito retreat to his bedroom with Kureno following right behind.

This jealousy is pointless, in a way. Akito is mine, and no matter who else he's with that doesn't change… No matter who. So it doesn't matter, in theory.

In practice, that's not true. Him being with Kureno… it feels more legitimate. More as if there is a replacement, for all I can hardly fathom it. The little boy who followed me around when he had a free moment with worshipful eyes, cried in my arms when his mother died, and never stood a chance with Akito because, in the end, he wanted me to win… that little boy… Well, you never can anticipate the turns life takes, can you? And isn't that what makes it so much fun?

Yuki, on the other hand, while I can't help the twist of jealousy, is just a dearly beloved toy. Anything Akito does with that boy is just another expression of ownership from a young man who can't sort out his attractions and has no concept of right or wrong as applying to anything he does.

But then we come back to Kureno. And what is it they have? Mutual dependency, perhaps? I read once that "Being in love is a tragedy, because on person always loves more than the other." I believe it applies, but for the life of me I'm not sure which of our triumvirate are the victims of that "greater" love. Probably all of us, in a way.

It isn't healthy to obsess over things like this, now, is it? And normally, while the thoughts never leave my mind, they're background noise. I wouldn't be me without them, but they can be tuned in and out of easily, the unseen motivation behind every breath I take, but invisible nonetheless.

However, at New Year's they tend to take the foreground.

And my usual distractions are rather cut off. Writing has to take the backseat while there are people and situations to be constantly nudged about, things that need to be monitored. A drinking game with Ayame, too, would come in handy about now – a rare treat. The man can hold his own weight in liquor, but he flat-out refuses to do anything so "horridly unhealthy, Gure-san! You have to respect your body, you know? It is a temple, after all!" unless Ha-san or I need a drinking partner.

But while Akito is willing to turn a blind eye to the friends-with-benefits arrangement, doing it in the Main House would be pushing things too far for casual comfort. So no spending the night with my favorite snake.

And if Ha-san doesn't get some sleep this month he'll collapse.

So it's just me and my thoughts of the many-splendored thing.

Most of the year, I have a fairly comfortable position in our little circle. Akito is intelligent and not exactly human, but he's still an eighteen-year-old boy who – as ambivalent as the feeling may be – loves me. He might not be able to stand the sight of me, but even less can he send me away, metaphorically speaking of course. All of which makes him fairly easy to handle for everyday matters.

It's just the other things, the special occasions, that get so tricky…

And we just keep cycling back here, don't we…?

As fascinating as the knotholes in the ceiling are, they have ceased to distract and sleep is proving as wonton a mistress as my one true love, so I roll from bed and walk into the next room, to my desk, intending on rolling that die and seeing if (4 or 6 and she lives) my heroine is going to survive her cancer.

However, on my way to play with the fates of mice and men, I am interrupted when my door slides open and Hatsuharu slips in.

"No one saw me," he announces immediately.

"Ah… that's wonderful, Haa-kun, but what on earth are you doing?" I settle back against my desk, crossing my arms with an open smile.

"I kind of wanted to ask you a favor. But even if you do it, I'm not going to call you Sensei-sama, so don't even ask."

I laugh. I'm fairly certain he's joking… though, with his deadpan delivery it can be hard to tell… "Hm. Well, wait one moment while I ponder just what my lovely young cousin wants in my room in the dead of night." I sigh obnoxiously, eyes glazing, and then shake my head clear. "All right. Reality may now intrude. What can I get for you?"

Haru, who tends to take that sort of thing so in stride that it becomes rather pointless, answers, "Kisa –"

"I'm sorry, Haa-kun, but I worry about the tender ages involved."

" – got kind of upset the other day by something someone said, and I can't get her to stop worrying about it. You know how she obsesses... And now it's giving her nightmares." He looks at me seriously and with a hint of sorrow. "I want you to lie to her. Make it go away. You're good at that."

I clap a hand to my chest and blink rapidly, the picture of a man touched beyond words. "Why, Haa-kun, your trust honors me! Of course I will defeat Satchan's horrid terrors, action-hero that I am."

"Thanks, Sensei." He shifts toward the door. "I'll go first. Check for spies. Too bad we don't have walky-talkies. Oh, and Sensei?"

I lift an inquisitive eyebrow as he looks over his shoulder. "I'm really grateful for all the stuff you do for us." His voice drops, eyes… sympathetic? "But just so we're clear? I don't trust you."

On that fine exit line, he pauses, then slips out, and I stand in the dark, waiting.

Ah, Haa-kun… when you throw someone your lifeline, it doesn't matter if you like them.

I'm all you've got.

One Year Earlier

"Akito-san." I bow low enough that I don't have to meet his eyes, head to the mats, torso on my folded knees.

Already, I'm running through the conversation that will ensue in my head, the script it will follow. The same one established on my first visit back after being given the Sohma equivalent of the couch – a new house. A few deviations in honor of the occasion – the first day of the New Year's celebrations – but other than that, a safe routine Akito hides behind.

We don't touch. We don't mention what happened between us or the people who facilitated the process. We are almost polite, and I am not to make him laugh unless I want to be sent away immediately after. We don't speak of anything important at all, unless you count Yuki, which frankly I don't, not in this context.

Living with that boy has been… interesting. Apart from an inability to clean, cook, or perform similar chores I might have hoped to stick on him, he's a dream housemate. Stays out of my way unless I seek him out, can very intelligently hold up his end of a conversation, and is too wary to be needy.

Only he looks like him. It is, I imagine, somewhat like going through a divorce and getting stuck with the kid. A living, breathing reminder of all I've lost.

Temporarily. Temporarily lost.

And, as with the child of a "broken home", he's become the safe middle ground, no man's land. I know for a fact that any reference to him is safe, and Akito refers the conversation back to him whenever things become in the least uncomfortable for him.

It's getting a tad wearing.

"Shigure," he breathes from his window. It has been approximately ten seconds since I entered the room, and so… three, two, one… "How is Yuki faring?"

I sit back, facing him with a smile. "Swimmingly, as much as he no doubt pines for your august presence. He'll be along shortly himself, although it was taking him rather longer to pack than anticipated."

Akito huffs, sounding unnervingly like Hatori, and picks at his robe, which is very definitely not like Hatori. "He's stalling."

"…"

"And yourself?"

"Just wonderfully. I'm about to contract for another book with darling Mii-chan, if that's all right with you."

His eyes narrow, though he waves a dismissively permissive hand.

I give an ostentatiously contented sigh, concluding, "And so ends this week's episode of Life at Shigure's House." I run back over the conversation leading to the narrowed eyes, which have yet to relax, and continue, "I was thinking, though, of having Mii-chan over for a sort of post-holiday celebration next week, give her a break from her daily drudgery. Show her a good time, sort of thing. I don't suppose I could interest you in joining us?"

His fingers, graceful as dancers, are twisted his hem into tortured shapes.

"It would be nice to have another man along, really… keep it from becoming something that might make Mayuko-chan jealous, you know."

"… Whatever you like. Just don't expect me to be there. And how is he faring in school?" The control he still has is almost visibly breaking, and I've let it slide up until now.

But, well, it is New Year's. What better time for a screaming match than a family holiday? There are traditions to uphold.

And I'm tired of this invisible elephant in the room. It's taking up too much space.

"And, then," I add, ignoring his question, "I could always invite Ren along. I'm sure she'd be happy to provide me with an alibi –"

The teacup shatters above my head, showering me with china, something that moments before had been perfect, symmetrical, smooth, abruptly broken and dangerous.

"Don't you speak of her to me!" He hisses, the order painfully close to a plea.

"Akito…" I rise slowly, as he turns to face me, knuckles white on the ledge.

"Don't –"

Not good enough. "I slept with your mother. You really need to accept this and move on." I announce flippantly.

His face pales with disbelieving rage as he slips down to stand facing me. "I need to what?"

"I would bet good money that you heard me. Unless something's wrong with your hearing today?"

He opens his mouth, fists rising, and then abruptly calms, fists coming apart – nothing but hands. His mouth, twisted with fury, loses its tension as one of his loosened hands comes up to cover it. It looks as if he's trying not to say something, and then, floodgates broken, he darts forward, hand flying from his mouth to tangle in the front of my yukata.

"Why?"

"…Why did I sleep with her?" I repeat incredulously.

"Yes! I don't understand…" I thought watching him try to ignore the dagger in his back, refusing to acknowledge the blood, had been painful, but it's nothing compared to watching him acknowledge it.

It's agony.

It's exactly what I want.

"You can tell me with a straight face that you don't understand after I walked in on you and Kureno in the immediate aftermath of – pardon my French – fucking?"

He draws back slightly. "You… you have no right to question that! That is a decision I have made, as your god! And…" He winds the cloth in his hand around his knuckles, studying it as if he can't meet my eyes, fighting not to say something.

I wait.

"I… didn't do it to… hurt you." He finally bursts out. And hurriedly rushes on from what might, almost, be something of an admission of… not guilt, but… "You know I did it because I love him, not to hurt you, and that I have every right to do whatever I choose. You… none of these rules apply to me! I am god! So why….? Was…" He's actually blushing, and for an instant he drops his chin, nothing but a boy of eighteen, and finishes, "Was it me? Was I… unsatisfactory?"

"That," I clear my throat and try very hard, with him right there, finally within touching distance after what seems like years, not to dwell on specific memories, "is very definitely not the reason, no."

"Then why? I don't understand. You love me."

I reach up and cup his cheek in my hand. "All my life, I've never loved anything else."

"…But you hurt me…"

"I know."

Because I needed to prove to you that you're human, and even if you can't see it yet, my love… you are. So very human. And I'll soon bring you down.

Whoever said Lucifer didn't love God? And with these new scrolls, we do know Judas loved Jesus…

He keeps searching my eyes, but despite all the things we do understand each other in, this one he cannot grasp.

I sigh. "Akito-san, what if I apologized right now? Came begging on my knees for absolution? Even if I did that… would you be able to let me back in?" If I could do it, risk losing what respect I've gained, beneath the layers of hate…

"…No." His hands fall away helplessly and he pulls his face away from my hand as he says what I've trapped him into saying. "No."

I wonder if he could, and from the desperation in his eyes I'm fairly certain that begging to assuage his pride would heal everything that needs immediate attention.

At first.

But we're none of us children any more; once burned, twice shy. And we're both carrying brands.

"Get out," he murmurs, waving a hand as he turns away. I think he's going to cry and wonder who he'll have hold him.

"Of course." I bow. "I'll see you at the banquet, Akito-san."

I walk out, not quite closing the door behind me, and again, we're both alone in our separate darknesses.

Both:

And we all are caught in the middle
Of one long dangerous riddle
Can I trust you?

Should you trust me too?

We're all alone in this hell
And we all have secrets to sell
And there comes a day,

When we sell our souls away

Chauvelin:
Can I run to you?
Are you true to me?
I'll do unto you,
As you do to me,
And we slowly learn
Someone has to burn

Both:
Better you than me

Oh ev'ry Judas once loved a Jesus
But oh betrayal will seize us
And only fools follow golden rules
We all are caught in the middle
Of one long dangerous riddle
Of who trusts who
Maybe I'll trust you
But can you trust me
Wait and see.

AN: I know this last scene had – or will have, depending on when these things get posted – a fair few things in common with Let it Burn (I'm never sure whether to italicize or quotation-mark these things…), and I could have re-written it. But by the time I came back to it to type it and all – it was written way before LiT – enough time had elapsed that I didn't feel especially Repeato-girl. And more importantly, I think it serves as a nice contrast between the two versions of Akito. Shigure's pretty much the same, but Akito is kind of a different person, so… there's that.

Akito's "Was it me?" is from (with modifications, because Akito just wouldn't say "not good") is from Buffy the Vampire Slayer's "Innocence."

Shigure's "All my life…" is also from BtVS, in this case "Wild at Heart." And actually, Oz says, "My whole life," but the other way seemed to fit Shii-chan better.

The "Being in love…" is quoted exactly from Deepak Chopra's The Return of Merlin, though he implied he had gotten it elsewhere. An interesting if highhanded and self-righteous book.

The reference to the scrolls is real. Someone's found some ancient bits of paper saying that Judas loved Jesus (not like that, you filthy people!) and Jesus loved him and the whole kiss thing was a set-up because Jesus wanted to be martyred.