This are the mostridiculus methods of killing a Jellicle cat I could think of, so I hope you get a giggle from them.

I love the Jellicles, I really do, but I just felt like killing them for some reason. It isn't mindless violence, though -it's very inventive and imaginative violence. Each chapter is a Jellicle getting killed in a different way.

Disclaimer - I don't own CATS. I do own the ways they die, though...

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How to kill Magical Mr. Mistoffelees

You see the small, sparkly tuxedo tom walk into the junkyard, apparently off daydreaming in his own world. He has done something to really annoy you, and you decide you want revenge.

You wait until he is asleep before creeping over to him. Magical cats wake up very slowly, and he sleeps right next to the floating tyre. How convenient for you.

You look around and see some nails and a cat-sized hammer. Living in a junkyard provides for all your day-to-day needs, no matter what you require. It is especially useful if you wish to kill somebody in a cruel and inventive way.

You pull him upright and over to the tyre, where you proceed to nail his front paws to it. He merely snores in response to the pain. When you are sure that he is firmly attached, and not about to get away, you use your incredible, Old D-like power to make the tyre float. Mistoffelees snores again, before swishing his tail in annoyance when his paws leave the ground – he is no longer in a comfortable sleeping position, and his shoulders are about to dislocate. Time for you to hide.

You dive behind an old television just as he opens his eyes. You see him look around, and you wince as you hear his shoulders pop out. Mistoffelees apparently doesn't notice, and keeps looking for whatever woke him up. That cat likes his beauty sleep.

You leave the junkyard to go and steal some things with Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, before returning the next day. Mistoffelees is now dead. After removing the nails from his paws, you stash the body in the boot of the old Ford; it really wouldn't look good on your application to join the tribe if Munkustrap found out that you had killed the resident magician, now, would it?

Forty days pass, before you decide that you should move the body to give the boot a chance to air out before Jennyanydots hides in there during the next Jellicle Ball. Also, if anyone smelled it (and lets face it, being dead for forty days would give even the cleanest cat a slight 'eau du corpse') and checked it out, you would be done for within the tribe. Heaviside forbid, you might be expected to explain yourself to Old Deuteronomy!

As you enter the yard, you see a silver tabby spot you and make a beeline for you. You see the expression on his face that suggests immediately that he has been looking specifically for you. You pretend not to see him while you try and think up an explanation. He reaches you and you begin to panic slightly.

"Have you seen Mistoffelees?" he asks. You sigh with relief.

"No," you reply, doing your best to look innocent. "Why? Did you want him for something?"

"I just haven't seen him for ages, that's all."

He departs again, and you look around to make sure no-one is anywhere near the clearing. Convenience intervenes again, as most of the other cats are involved in planning the Ball and currently in a meeting, and those that aren't are decorating the entrance to the yard. You enter the clearing and walk over to the boot. You pause – the boot is open, and Mistoffelees isn't in there.

On your way back home, you wonder where he could have gone. He is dead, after all, so someone has to have found and moved his body. As you climb through the cat-flap, you pause – someone is already in the house, and they most definitely are not human. You peek around the door and almost die of shock. Mistoffelees is sitting quite comfortably on your favourite armchair, alive and well, and he seems to be waiting for you. Suspicious of a prank, you slowly move forwards into the room to get a better look. Unfortunately, he spots you.

"I've been waiting for you," he states, jumping down from the sofa.

"Hang on a minute," you say. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"You should know, you were the one who nailed my paws to the tyre. After all those tricks I did for you, as well," he says, sounding hurt.

"Yeah, well, you annoyed me."

"What did I do?"

"Breathed."

"Ah."

"…"

"…"

"You're doing it again."

"Sorry."

You sit in silence for about five minutes, before you get bored. You glance at Mistoffelees, who seems to be practically sitting on paws to keep himself still. You wonder why he isn't quite sitting on them, and decide to ask him.

"Why aren't you sitting on your paws?" you ask.

"Mainly because I have holes through them big enough to stick my tongue through," he tells you.

"That might have something to do with it," you agree.

"And I just can't be bothered standing up to get them underneath me."

After another few minutes, you start getting bored again.

"Shall we play tag or something?" you ask.

Mistoffelees grins and you both go outside to play in the freshly cut grass. He stays with you for three days, before telling you he has to go somewhere.

"Where're you going?" you ask him.

"Back to my dad," he tells you.

"Where does he live?"

"Up there," Mistoffelees says, pointing to the sky. "He's the Everlasting Cat."

"I knew there was something odd about you. Maybe that's what annoyed me so much."

"Maybe. However, I need to die again before I can go."

"I'll help," you offer, such is your generosity. You go over to the drawers and reach behind, pulling out a cat-sized machine gun. "Will this do?"

"Should do."

You aim, fire, and watch Mistoffelees collapse on the ground, bleeding profusely.

"Err…Dad…?" Mistoffelees says to the sky. "Now would be good."

Nothing happens, and you are left, once again, with the corpse of the dead magician. You sigh, and decide that maybe Mistoffelees had the right idea about climbing on the roof. Dragging his body up there is hard work, but you feel relieved when you finally get the body up there; no-one can prove it was you.

When you get back down to the hall, you hear the humans talking by the fire, One of them stops talking suddenly, and you listen to what they are about to say.

"Can you hear purring?" they ask.

You know you aren't purring. However, you also know that Mistoffelees is about on the roof…

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You get a cookie if you can guess where I got the idea for that particular death from. Tell me what you thought, any constructive criticism is more than welcome.