I don't think the last two chapters weren't all that great, and really short,but hopefully this one's back on track.
Disclaimer - I don't own CATS, Disney, The Lion King or Star Wars, and this death was taken from Cadamine's Crazy Fanfic Plots.
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How To Kill Jemima
You see Mistoffelees walk through the gates to the junkyard. As you watch him greet various cats, you decide that you need to ask him a favour. You jump down from whatever you were sitting on (it's a junkyard; you could be sitting on an old box of matches for all I know) and walk over to the small magician. He spots you, reaches behind his back and pulls out a flower, handing it to you with a smile and a small bow (he's probably sucking up to youout of fear that you'll kill him again).
"Mistoffelees," you start, making your voice sound as sweet and innocent as possible. He gets immediately suspicious.
"What?" he asks.
"Hypothetically, if this cat I know wanted to be turned into a human for, say, a day or two, would you be able to do it?"
"Why?"
"No reason. But would you be able to do it?"
"Dunno."
"Why aren't you saying more than one word at a time?" you ask.
"Because the last few times we've met, you crucified me, locked me in the car for forty days, played tag for three days straight, shot me, and then dragged me up onto a roof I didn't know how to get off of," he replies. "For some strange reason, I don't trust you anymore."
"Why wouldn't you trust me?" you ask. "I've already done the worst I could have done to you."
"Really?" he asks hopefully.
"No. I'm just trying to get you to do this favour for me."
"Oh."
"Anyway, I killed you twice the last time, how come you're here now?"
"Because you wouldn't be able to kill the next cat without my help. I'm quite central to the plotline of this chapter."
"Stupid author," you mutter under your breath. "Now I have to wait before I can kill Misto again."
"What'd you say?" Mistoffelees asks.
"Oh, nothing. So, would you be able to turn a cat into a human?"
"Only for a day, at the most."
"That'll do me fine."
"I'll only do it on one condition – before you kill me again, give me a chance to say a cheesy death-line, they're so much fun to do."
"If you insist," you sigh, resigning yourself to a fate worse than death – listening to a death-line that will probably have been taken straight out of a human film (quite possibly one of the Star Wars films; they have the worst death-lines).
Mistoffelees holds out his paws, and a blue light glows around you. You are lifted in the air, and the air around you begins to sparkle. Beams of light shoot out from all four of your paws.
"Mistoffelees! Enough with the Disney already!"
"What's wrong with Disney?" Mistoffelees asks, dropping his paws to his sides and consequently dropping you to the ground. Obviously, as you're so feline and cat-like, you land on your paws. However, at this moment your paws feel remarkably like your backside…
"The characters all freak me out," you tell him.
"In what way do they 'freak you out'?"
"Everyone's always so happy, even if one of their parents died less then five minutes ago."
"What d'you mean?"
"Ever seen The Lion King?"
"Point taken. So if Disney's off-limits, what am I allowed to do?"
"Use smoke," you suggest. "They don't use smoke for magic in Disney movies."
Mistoffelees sets to work, closing his eyes and holding his paws out towards you. You see smoke. You smell it, as well. And feel it. Hang on a minute… smoke isn't hot…
"I DIDN'T MEAN SET MY TAIL ON FIRE!"
"Oh, whoops, silly me," Mistoffelees sniggers.
"You know, I can always gag you so you can't say your death-line and kill you this chapter instead of Jemima," you threaten.
That shuts him up. Without wasting anymore time (or smoke, or sparkles, or light), he turns you into a human and somehow manages to get you out of the clearing without the other Jellicles seeing. You turn to him to give him some more instructions.
"Get Jemima out here and stun her for me, would you?" you say, putting all the niceness you can muster into your voice. Mistoffelees gives you a look as if to say 'do it yourself'. "I'll gag you…"
In a flash of sparkles he's gone, and a few minutes later he appears on paw with Jemima in tow. He leads her up to you before tapping her on the shoulder. She collapses, the only things she is able to move are her eyes, which dart around as you pick up her completely floppy body. You thank Mistoffelees for his help, and put Jemima in the bag you somehow acquired. You examine the clothes you also gained from nowhere (Mistoffelees definitely didn't put you in them when he changed you, so they just appeared on you out of thin air, okay? Got that?), only to discover that the clothes look as though they came from one of the piles in the junkyard (which they probably did).
You look over to the junk pile next to you, and guess what? The very things you need are about two metres away from you. Smiling, you reach over and pick out four suction cups before turning back to the little magician.
"Attach these to her paws for me," you say.
"What if I don't want to?" Mistoffelees asks.
"Then I'll gag you. Anyways, how come I can still understand you if I'm human now?"
"Do I look like the author of this story?"
"No."
"Then why bother asking me? It's not like anyone ever tells me anything, anyway. Tugger didn't tell me I had to get Deuteronomy back at the Ball; I had to guess it for myself."
"Oh, quit whining. And stop pretending you didn't hear everyone saying how they had to find the old b-"
"You do know this is only rated K+ don't you?"
"Aw, crap, no-one ever lets me have any fun."
"Who's whining now?" Mistoffelees smirks. You glare at him.
"Hey, Author!" you yell.
"You rang?" asks a voice from the sky.
"No, I yelled."
"Ha, ha, very funny. What d'you want, anyway? I'm kind of in the middle of writing this chapter, so if you wouldn't mind making it quick…"
"I want to know… Why don't you just read back over what you've already written to find out what I want to know?"
"I can't be bothered. You should know by now how lazy I am."
"You know, you really should get more exercise, sitting in front of a computer all day cannot be healthy."
"Hey, typing is a very good workout for the fingers."
"Haven't you heard of Repetitive Strain Injury?"
"Yes, but I choose to ignore the warnings."
"Can we please just kill Jemima sometime before the next Ball?" Mistoffelees cuts in.
"I'm with Twinkle-Toes," Author says.
"Don't call me 'Twinkle-Toes'. It's bad enough you made Plato and Tugger call me that in The Mop's Revenge, now everyone's going to catch on to it!" Mistoffelees complains.
"Okay. We'll just call you 'Midget' instead," you say.
"That's 'Magical Mr. Midget' to you, human," Mistoffelees hisses, his paws sparking.
"Oi!" Author yells. "No magic until I say so!"
"Is it really my fault that you just wrote that my paws spark?" Mistoffelees asks. "And you're the one that's writing this argument, we don't have any say in what we… y'know… say, so you could just stop this right here, right now."
…
…
…
…
…
"Happy?" Author asks.
…
…
…
"For the love of the Everlasting Cat!" Author sighs. "I'm going to have to type before you can speak again, aren't I?"
…
…
…
Author sighs to herself, and you hear the tap-tap of the big keyboard that's somewhere up in the sky.
"Finally!" you say.
"Now, where were you?" Author asks. "Oh yeah, Misto, attach the suction cups to Jemima's paws."
"Why don't you do it with your incredible author-y powers?" Mistoffelees asks.
"Look up… Further… Bit more… That's it!"
"Oh, what, you're too lazy?"
"Yup. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to write myself out here and go for a hot chocolate."
Author disappears and Mistoffelees looks at you.
"I hope she gets an allergic reaction and all her fur falls out," he whispers.
"I heard that!" Author's voice yells.
"You wrote it, as well," Mistoffelees points out.
Suddenly, you feel you are no longer on a dodgy tangent that makes no sense, but you have a purpose in life, and that purpose is to-
"KILL JEMIMA!" you and Mistoffelees cheer at the same time, with terrifying manic grins on both of your faces.
A small squeak sounds from the bag, and you remember that's where you stuffed the little kitten. You reach in and pull her out. She looks like she wants to struggle, but since she can't move, you really can't tell, so technically it's not your fault if you do something to hurt her because you won't know she doesn't like it if she can't move. That, and Author really can't be bothered giving her freedom of movement, because that would involve describing her oh-so-valiant efforts to get away from you (the serial killer) and the big dramatic chase scene that always follows would take up too much valuable murder-time.
Mistoffelees uses his magic to stick the suction cups to her paws (he suddenly knows exactly how to use his magic. No more bolts of lightning that never happen for this kitty. Until Author decides that his magic could stop him getting killed, in which case he'll suddenly, without explanation, lose all ability he just gained).
"What're you going to do now?" Mistoffelees asks.
"Why don't you come and watch?" you offer.
Mistoffelees shrugs and you flag down a taxi. When one eventually stops (a couple of hours later, if you want a timescale), you sit in the back and stick Jemima to the window. The driver gives you a funny look, but says nothing, only speaking when he asks where you want to go. You name somewhere that has to be reached via a fast-moving and very busy road (and that has no shortcuts or other ways of getting there). He puts the car in gear and begins driving. Mistoffelees, having seen what taxi drivers can do, digs his claws into the upholstery on the seats. Unfortunately for the cat, the passenger and the driver, the seats in this taxi (for some unknown reason) have very expensive leather covered with a silk sheet that both get shredded by the magician's claws.
You flick his nose before winding the window down to feel the incredibly strong wind. The breeze is so strong in fact, that the suction cups start to detach from Jemima's paws. Mistoffelees watches as Jemima is suddenly blown out of the window. He jumps up onto the top of the seat and watches her short journey down the road before another car comes.
You can almost hear the squishing sound she makes.
You sink down in the seat so that the driver can't see you and signal to Mistoffelees to turn you back into a cat. He does so, and you both sit on the floor between the front and back seats until the taxi arrives at your destination. As the driver turns around for his fare, Mistoffelees opens the door and you both run as fast as your paws will let you, stopping only when, somehow, you make it back to the junkyard. You look around, and smile when you lay eyes on your next victim.
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Cruel, wasn't it?Critique is more than welcome, if you can think of any ways of making this better please tell me 'cause I want to try and improve it as much as possible.