It's okay, Sleeping Tiger, Munkustrap's safe. For now. He's refusing to die . Does this mean my head won't roll yet? I am rather attached to it, after all...

Anyways, since Munku won't let me (or you) kill him, I had to dig up another death to post, so I'm afraid it's another shorty. There'll be another short one after this, then hopefully Munku will have died and I can post that one, 'cause it looks to be a fair bit longer than this chapter and the next one.

Disclaimer - Do I look like Andrew Lloyd Webber or T.S.Elliot?

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How To Kill The Rum Tum Tugger

You watch as the black and leopard print tom swaggers into the clearing, closely followed by his fanqueens. You turn your head away, sneering – you don't think it's healthy to be so obsessed over one cat (Tugger in particular) that you would squeal every time he swivels his hips.

You shake your head as he starts rotating his hips and the kittens start screaming. Seconds later, you're sitting up straight and finalising the plan in your mind to get rid of Tugger. How come you didn't think of this before?

Smiling to yourself, you approach Tugger just as he's shooing his fans away. He looks up and smirks, as though congratulating himself on gaining another member for his fan club, and you have to stop yourself from rolling your eyes.

"Yes?" he purrs. You find you have to suppress a sudden urge to vomit.

"I was just wondering…" you begin, looking up at him through your eyelashes (yes, Jellicles have eyelashes. Stop trying to pick holes, it won't work.). "Lately, I've noticed how hot you look when you do that hip thing, and I want to know if you'd do it especially for me…."

"What, this?" he asks, demonstrating the infamous wiggle.

You somehow force out a kittenish giggle, causing him to smirk even more. He begins swivelling his hips round and round and round and round… You pretend to be hypnotised by them, and he does it increasingly faster the more you giggle. You can see his hips getting looser and looser the more times he rotates them, just as you had planned. Round, round, round, round, round, round – WEEEEEE!

You can practically hear his hips cheering with joy as they break free from the cat that forced them to swivel for so many years. Tugger watches them fly across the clearing with a wistful expression on his face – he liked those hips, they got him so much attention… He starts sharing happy hip-memories with you, until you tell him to look down. He does, and notices the gaping hole that is now occupying the place where his hips used to be.

"Ow," he whines, before collapsing from blood loss.

You hear a squelching sound, and turn to see where Tugger's hips just landed. You see Etcetera pulling them off of her face and looking at what just hit her. Her eyes widen in shock, then she squeals with happiness – she finally has Tugger's hips, the one thing in the world she wanted, but couldn't have until you tricked Tugger into detaching himself from them.

She bounds up to you with a huge grin plastered across her face, and wraps her arms around you, squeezing you as hard as she can in thanks for the present (and coating you with Tugger's blood in the process).

You manage to escape from her vice-like grip (which is way too strong for a kitten of her age and size. You start to suspect she may be on steroids), and wonder idly how you'll kill her. Murder, or talk someone else into doing it for you? You decide to rest for a while to reserve your terpsichorean powers, because the Jellicle Ball is soon and you want to be in full mass-murder mode for that most special of nights.

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Any critique is welcome, but I already know it's a really short chapter so you don't have to mention that. Absolutely anything that'll help make it better is good.