I thought the Munku one would be ready by now, but he still won't do what I want him to. Sorry for the lateness.
Disclaimer - I don't own CATS, and I got the idea for these deaths from an episode of Buffy.
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How to Mass Murder in the Jellicle Tribe
They're all so happy, and lively, and friendly… They can sing and dance perfectly, and they're all so damn slim! You decide that something must be done about these Jellicles – they just cannot be allowed to live any longer, as they give even the most confident non-Jellicle feline (and human) more complexes than they have whiskers (not that many humans have whiskers, but you catch my drift, right?... Right?)
You look to your side and see that Etcetera is still tailing around after you. She's been doing that ever since you killed Tugger, and it's making you regret ever deciding that he had to go. If only Author would delete that last chapter…
Don't get your hopes up. Killing Tugger was fun, I might have to do it again sometime…
You wonder what must be going on in Author's mind for her to think that would be the ideal first date…
You: Hey, Tugger, wanna go for a date?
Tugger: Sure, why not? After all, jailbait – err – I mean kittens, get on your nerves when you've been dating them for more than thirty minutes.
Twelve seconds later.
You: Hey, Tugger, wanna die?
Tugger: Sure, why not? We could really bond over an activity like that, you know.
You: Uhh… yeah…
Tugger: It could be a very bonding experience for us both. Bondage!
You: Umm… eep?
Your own imagination probably freaked you out enough just then, so Author doesn't continue that particular mental torture. Yet. Just give it some time…
You decide that you should probably hurry up and move the plot along at something resembling snail-pace, because it isn't moving at all yet. You look at Etcetera and remember how she used to squeal whenever Tugger was near, and how it used to hurt everyone's ears.
Somehow you manage to convince her to go and play with the other kittens, before setting off on your private little quest. You scale huge junk piles, and take a giant, dramatic, literal leap of faith off of the top of one… and land headfirst in a pile of rubbish from a restaurant. And, restaurant rubbish being what it is, landing in a pile of it isn't terribly pleasant. Disgusted, you climb out. Or, rather, you attempt to climb out. Evil, chicken-wielding noodles trip you up as you go, slowing both your progress and the plot even further.
When you eventually get out, three guesses what you come face-to-face with – exactly what you need to murder just about the whole tribe. You stare at it for a while, but you start to feel slightly awkward when it stares back at you, so you quickly drag it towards the main clearing.
You get there, and see the remaining Jellicles (a.k.a the ones you haven't killed in their own chapter yet) conveniently gathered around the big tyre where you crucified Mistoffelees.
"Etcetera," you call, immediately getting her, and the rest of the tribe's, attention.
"What?" she asks, skipping over to you (does that kitten ever walk anywhere? You wonder).
"I got you a present."
With a flourish even Mistoffelees couldn't match, you unfurl your weapon of choice and show it to her. She stares at it for a moment, before a huge scream, louder and of a higher pitch than ever before, erupts out from her. The other cats try, and fail, to cover their ears, and they all cringe back at the sound.
You just about manage to make out some words in the middle of Etcetera's scream. You think she's trying to say "Heaviside, he's sex on two legs!", but you're not entirely sure.
The Jellicles (apart from Etcetera, who is currently still screaming) all stiffen suddenly, and their arms (or front legs, depending on whether or not they're anthro to you) go rigid and fall to their sides. One by one, their heads explode.
You hide behind your chosen weapon, re-emerging just in time to see the stripy kitten turn blue and fall over because she hasn't taken a breath. She doesn't take a breath again.
"Yes!" you cheer.
Remembering what Etcetera screamed, you turn the weapon around to see what she found so irresistible. It's just a picture of Tugger…
Realising that there is something printed underneath the picture, you wipe away Jellicle head-goo to get a better look. It takes you a while to work it out, because you're a cat, and can't read all that well, but you eventually figure out what it says.
Looking up to the sky, you ask the Everlasting Cat: "What in Heaviside is so special about John Partridge?"
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Oh, yeah, I don't own him, either...