He's actually behaving himself for once! And you get a nice long chapter this time as well!
Disclaimer - Do I look like Andrew Lloyd Webber or T.S. Elliot? Also, Roman still owns the Mop (but it now has a name - Moppy the Third!)
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How To Kill Munkustrap
You watch as Munkustrap goes about his Protector-y duties, checking up on everyone, making sure all the Jellicles are fine, and that everyone feels safe; the usual things that he does in fics when something is about to happen to him. Mistoffelees is watching him as well from a piece of junk nearby, and a small smile appears on his face when you suggest killing Munkustrap.
"Why d'you want to kill him, though?" the small tux asks.
"I don't know," you shrug. "I'm just bored, and he's right there in easy reach."
"I've got the perfect idea," Mistoffelees says.
"What?" you ask, interested in anything that means you don't have to think. After all, you don't read or star in parody fics because you want to think. No, you star in them because you're evil, you're sadistic, you want to murder the Jellicles (if not, why on Earth did you click on the title? After all, this story is called 'So, You Want to Murder the Jellicles', is it not?) or you're just too lazy to be bothered thinking up anything that even vaguely resembles a plotline for this chapter (have you been spending too much time around Author again?).
"Well, you remember that spell I did in The Mop's Revenge?" Mistoffelees says.
"Err… I've not read that one…" you admit.
"But I'm one of the stars! How could you not read something where I'm one of the stars?"
"I said when I killed you the first time – you're annoying."
"But I tortured Munku and Tugger! Sort of…"
"I repeat – you're annoying. And they probably think so too, after that little episode."
"It wasn't an episode. It was a oneshot."
"Whatever. So anyway, what were you planning on doing to him?" you ask.
"You'll find out if you give me permission to do it," Mistoffelees says smugly.
"I'm not giving you permission until I know what you're going to do."
"And I'm not doing it until I've got permission."
"Why not?"
"Munkustrap might hurt me."
"What? No he won't!"
"He will if he finds out it was me, and if I've got your permission to do it, I can shift the blame on to you."
"Hey! And exactly how is he going to find out it was you?"
"You really don't want to know," Author's voice says from in front of the big computer in the sky.
"I see you've not taken up any form of exercise yet," you remark.
"And just how can you 'see' that?" Author asks, making thunder clouds roll across the sky. "You might want to phrase your reply very carefully..."
"Err… Because you're still sitting in front of the computer?"
"And how do you know that I didn't take a break from typing this, go out for a run or something, then carry on from where I left off?"
"Err… I… It… We-"
"Excuse me, but we!" Mistoffelees cuts in. "You're the one that's digging yourself a hole here, not me. I'd appreciate it if you kept me out of this."
"Oh, shut up," you say, giving Mistoffelees' arm a silly little girly slap that wouldn't even make jelly wobble (you know the kind: they come with a free squeak from whoever did it).
You are shocked when Mistoffelees gives you a girly slap back (complete with the 'ee!'). So shocked, in fact, that you hit him again to see if he repeats the action (and sound effect). He does, and one of those really silly girly fights follow, with lots of squealing and fur-pulling from both of you, neither of you ever thinking of doing something that would give you the advantage. You don't even notice Author descending from her perch high up on the computer chair, you're that engrossed with calling Mistoffelees a 'little mummy's queen'.
"Alright, kittens, break it up," Author yells. You ignore her, and she sighs. A keyboard suddenly appears in front of her and she starts typing furiously. Before long, you and Mistoffelees are thrown apart in different directions, both of you landing on your… tails… and skidding across the really well polished dance floor that looks nothing like the ground of a real junkyard.
"Wow," Tumblebrutus says, sounding both surprised and impressed. "You managed to get Author away from the monitor. You must have really pi-"
"TUMBLE! THIS IS A K+ FIC!" Author yells at him.
"Uhh… piddled… her off."
"Didn't I kill you a couple of chapters ago?" you ask Tumble.
"Yeah, but Author wanted me to make a cameo from beyond the grave, so here I am."
"Oh. By the way, this is the second time we've had Author down here," you say, standing up and getting ready to leave the junkyard.
"WAIT ONE MUSICAL MINUTE!" Munkustrap yells from the tyre.
"Just one, please – we're kind of in a rush," you tell him.
"You've been killing Jellicles!"
"Yep. Misto helped with one of the last ones."
"Who was it?" Tumble asks interestedly.
"Jemima," Mistoffelees says.
"You've both been killing Jellicles?" Munkustrap asks.
"Yes," you tell him, speaking very slowly. "That's what we've been doing for the past few chapters, while you were conveniently absent from the junkyard."
"What you've been doing for the past few chapters," Mistoffelees corrects. "I only came back from the dead a couple of chapters ago to help kill Jemima. For all intents and purposes, after that I died again."
"Oh, cool!" you exclaim.
"MUDERERS!" Munkustrap yells.
(There are actually other cats in the clearing that weren't murdered last chapter (how they managed that, you really don't know), but they've chosen to remain silent in the vague hope that they won't be noticed and will escape from this fic un-killed. Little do they know, this fic is nowhere near completion…)
"I hereby banish you two from the Jellicle junkyard!" Munkustrap yells (again. Does a lot of shouting this one, doesn't he?) "Never set paw in here again!"
"Over-reacting a bit, aren't you?" you say.
"Over-reacting! Over-reacting! I'll give you over-reacting, you little fu-"
"MUNKUSTRAP! THE RATING!" everyone shouts at him.
"-Furball! You little furball," he says quickly. "You two going around killing Jellicles at random moments whenever you feel like it gives me a reason to over-react just a tiny bit, don't you think!"
"Munkustrap-" Author starts.
"Not now! Theses two-"
"Munkustrap-"
"-NEED TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON-"
"Munkustrap-"
"-SO WE SHOULD-"
"MUNKUSTRAP!"
"WHAT?"
"SHUT UP!"
"WHY?"
"I'M TIRED OF WRITING IN CAPITALS!"
Munkustrap shuts up, and everyone (including you) gingerly takes their paws away from where they were protecting their ears (or eyes. Whatever).
"Can I just point out that we weren't killing them at random moments?" you ask politely.
"Huh?" Munkustrap asks, completely wrong-footed. Or wrong-pawed… Or something…
"You're the only one that was random. You were supposed to die after Jemima, but Author didn't finish the chapter in time so we had to kill Tugger and the rest of the tribe instead so that the updates could vaguely resemble being quite often."
"I wondered where they'd gone off to," Munkustrap says thoughtfully to himself. He pauses for a second, then the expression on his face completely changes. He now looks rather scared… "Hang on," he says slowly.
"Hang on to what?" Mistoffelees smirks. "Our tails?"
"If Tugger and the others had to go before me, and they've been missing for the past few days," Munkustrap starts, ignoring Mistoffelees' comment. "Then that must mean that-"
"The pipe is going to cave in on the next full moon in the month of December when Pluto and Jupiter collide with a lot of purple swearing," Mistoffelees says with a dead straight face. Everyone in the clearing stares at him.
"Purple swearing?" you ask. Mistoffelees nods solemnly.
"It's not nice. You really don't want to come across any purple swearing."
"Why? What's so bad about purple swearing?"
"It's green."
"…"
"…"
"Wait a minute. Exactly why are we talking about purple swearing that's actually green when less than thirty seconds ago we were talking about killing Munku?" you ask.
"I just felt like changing the subject," Mistoffelees shrugs.
"Well, you succeeded. Where'd Author go, anyway?"
"She disappeared after Misto turned into a smart-ass," Rumpus Cat tells you.
"Aren't you just a character in a play the Jellicles put on for Old D?" you ask him.
"And the Jellicles are just characters in a play that some rich guy came up with after reading a book of poems that some dead guy wrote. Technically, we're the same, and in the poem I'm not just a character in a play. Unlike Jemima and Victoria, who were just made up off the top of someone's head a few weeks before opening night."
"Hey!" Jemima and Victoria yell.
"What?" Rumpus Cat asks. "It's true!"
"Prove it."
"You're not mentioned in any of the poems."
"That's just a technicality," Victoria sniffs.
"Moving swiftly on," you say loudly to try and dispel the argument you just knew was coming. "Misto, I believe you were about to show off again?"
"I do not 'show off', I perform," Mistoffelees grumbles.
"Just kill him," you sigh.
Mistoffelees begins to wave his paws about in the air, but he sees the look you give him and settles instead for just holding them out in front of him and doing whatever he does with minimal effort.
"Why can't I have any special effects?" he asks you after he's finished.
"Because Author's budget won't stretch that far," you tell him. "Anyway, what did you do?"
"Follow me."
"Oh, and will a couple of you keep Munku still for me? We don't want him escaping, now, do we?" you say with an evil grin. You're remarkably good at evil grins, so, naturally, Macavity sees something of himself in you and offers to help out. You are wise to the different versions of Fanfic!Mac, and so obviously don't trust him with guarding Munkustrap. "Anybody except the crazed psycho with hair-care issues, if you wouldn't mind."
Macavity grudgingly hands Munkustrap over to the remaining Jellicles, and Munkustrap breathes a sigh of relief – whatever Mistoffelees has got planned, it can't ever be as bad as what Macavity could have done to him… You watch the cats force Munkustrap onto the ground, before one-by-one sitting down on him and making themselves comfortable with cups of warm milk and some of Jennyanydots' mouse cakes.
"Don't let him suffocate," you warn the Jellicles. "We want him to still have a pulse when we get back."
You follow Mistoffelees out of the clearing and down an alleyway of junk. He's been trotting merrily along with a kitten's enthusiasm, while you've been trying to work out where he gets his energy from. He stops suddenly, and you walk right into him. As you stand up again, you look up and see three mops standing to attention in front of you.
You give Mistoffelees a questioning look, and he replies with a very smug smirk before turning to face the mops.
"You all remember your cousin, Moppy the Third?" he says. You find you have to stuff your paw in your mouth to keep from laughing at the name. "Do you know what happened to it?"
The mops (surprisingly) don't react to the question. Mistoffelees sighs heavily.
"Well, he died after being tortured by Munkustrap. You should go and get revenge. Any questions?"
"Yeah, I've got one," you say. Mistoffelees puts his head in his paws for a moment before turning to you. "What're these mops called?"
Mistoffelees is about to answer, when you cut him off.
"Wait, wait, let me guess – Moppy the First, Moppy the Second, and Moppy the Fourth."
"How'd you know that?"
"You mean those are their actual names? Not very original, are they?"
The mops turn to face you, and Mistoffelees hastily cuts in.
"You mean their names are easier to remember than ours, don't you?" he says, giving you a meaningful look.
"Apparently."
Without further ado (or plotline) you head back to the clearing, the mops marching on their strings behind you. A few of the other cats see you coming, get off of Munkustrap, and run as fast as they can to the opposite side of the clearing. Demeter stays next to Munkustrap, grabs his tail, and single paw-edly hold him in place.
"Aww, come on, Demi," he whines. "What'd I ever do to you?"
"It's more of what you didn't do, than what you did," she replies. "All those times there was a Macavity scare, all those times I grabbed onto you in places most queens don't even think you've got, and you didn't do anything. You're just too noble, you have to go."
"And here I was thinking that you were catnapped by him when you were younger and wanted me to protect you," Munkustrap says dryly.
"Ahem," you say loudly to get everyone's attention. Munkustrap turns to face you, and finally notices the mops (took him long enough…)
"Not again," he sighs.
Mistoffelees smirks at him and pokes his tongue out to make sure Munkustrap knows that it was his idea, but that you commissioned his death so he can't do anything to the little magician.
"Company, MOP!" Mistoffelees yells.
The mops charge forwards, and Munkustrap tries to run. However, since Demeter is still holding onto his tail, he doesn't get very far and instead ends up wearing the ground away so much that he digs himself a small hole. The mops descend on the hole, and you hear Munkustrap squeak as they attack him.
You find a spot where you can see, and watch as the mops… y'know… mop him… It provides some light entertainment for you, mainly because the squeals Munkustrap emits are so high-pitched they'd be more suited to Jemima. The mops mop him, until he is no more. Literally. The only thing left is a twitching tail, which Demeter is holding. She looks at it, shrugs, then throws it to the mops and walks off.
The mops finish with Munkustrap, and Mistoffelees runs up to them.
"Would you please stop moving?" he asks them.
"What good will that do?" you ask.
The mops all suddenly collapsing shuts you right up, and you smack Mistoffelees upside the head.
"Ow," he whines. "What was that for?"
"I felt like it."
"Yeah well, where you're involved, that explains a lot of things."
"Such as?"
"Uh… I never told you my cousins were coming over about now, did I? I've got to go meet them. Bye!"
You watch the little tom run off as fast as he can, and start plotting who to kill next.
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Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far, I really appreciate it, but I'm going to have to abandon this story for the time being. I'll update if I get the chance, but I'm taking three of my GCSEs a year early so I'm knee-deep in revision, and any spare time I do have is probably going to be spent writing down plot ideas for other stories so I don't forget them. I might (it's a big might, though, so don't get any hopes up) have some time in about two weeks to write, but if not it'll be about a month before I update. I really don't want to stop writing this 'cause it's really fun, but I'm going for the highest grades I can get so I have to spend time revising or I won't get them. I swear this death fic hasn't died, it'll be back in a month or so. Until then, I'm going to be really busy doing practise papers and the like, so please, please don't bug me for an update because I'll most likely be really stressed and I'll probably end up snapping at you, which is another thing I don't want to do.
Wish me luck...