It was the two month anniversary of when I arrived in this Nuthouse when I first saw you walk up to the door. I jumped up from my position on my bed and I ran to the small window to peer out at you. I watched in awe as you hesitated at the door, and turned around, got back in your car, and drove away.
"What?" I screamed. You weren't supposed to do that, you were supposed to walk in and say, "Hi, Jude," to me.
Two weeks later the same thing happened, and I don't know why I just sat there watching as you came to the door and followed the same ritual, but I did. I didn't do anything to make you come in, when it was easy to just walk out and get in a visible area from the glass door.
My psychiatrist noticed my anticipation and my constant glances at her window.
"What's wrong, Jude? Are you waiting for someone?" She asked me.
I took another glance at the window and shook my head lightly.
"No." I said softly.
"Okay…so we can get on with our session?" She asked me, obviously annoyed by now. I nodded in response.
My room now had half of one wall colored in a very messy coat of tan. But it satisfied me, and made me feel at home. It made me feel like I was with you.
I had tried to mix the other colors to make up for my lack of tan, but crayons just don't mix well, and even if they did, they still didn't match the color of the wall.
That reminds me of this movie I watched a-gazillion times when I was back at home. "Pink Floyd The Wall" had so much symbolism in it, it drove me insane. Well, maybe that's why I'm here. I used to sit for hours trying to decipher every bit of the code that was locked in there by some of my favorite musicians, but I only could get down to what I liked to call the third layer. No matter how many times I watched it, I knew there was something I had missed.
I thought about how my life resembled that movie in a way. Well, okay, not very much at all, but if I twisted it. My wall was made up of three people: you, Sadie, and my mother. Those were the people I was worried about, or that I thought about. I never thought about Jamie anymore, since we had kind of drifted after we broke up, and Kat and I had long since ended our friendship that had been hanging by a thread. So the three bricks in my wall were still there…I think…or maybe they were gone since I hadn't seen the "bricks" for a long time? Okay, now I'm just confusing myself.
It went on like this for a while, you coming up to the door and hesitating, then eventually leaving. And even though I was screaming inside for you to just open the God damn door, I never actually worked up the courage to say it verbally.