Chapter 2/4

Infinite space offered little distraction or comfort. Cold seeped into Lee's fingertips from the glass. Neither boundaries nor enemies were in sight but still he felt closed in. The stellar constellations could not have been more different from the familiar ones on Caprica to remind him what they had lost.

Home.

Billions of lives.

The Olympic Carrier.

Mom.

Another family member Lee could not say goodbye to. How he wished that she had re-married months ago instead of waiting so long. Death had taken her just as she was about to start anew and while Adama was not a bad name to die with, it had no longer characterised the woman that was to be Caroline Shane. How long was it since he had last brushed a strand of hair from her face? That emotional gesture had been a small one, yet she always knew what it truly meant.

Women just knew that guys were too stupid to say "I love you." Gianne had always laughed when he had played with a curl, especially when he wrapped one of her blonde tresses around a finger. Like a golden ring, Lee. Lips slightly parted and with her body pressing against his, she had looked at him with her wonderful eyes and told him she was expecting. Crying, she had thrown him out of her apartment moments later. Whatever he had replied, it had been the absolute worst thing possible. He was an asshole for saying the wrong thing and a frakup because he did not even know what he had said. All he remembered was the thunder of his heartbeat in his ears and the panic that had shaken him to the core like the icy grip of vacuum just because he was going to be a father. Lords, he was such a coward.

Lee drew a shaky breath. He could never undo the pain he had caused her. Tears welled up in his eyes and he bit on his lip until it hurt. He clenched his hands into fists until he was sure his nails had drawn blood. Lee took another deep breath and pushed her from his mind forcefully by concentrating on the present instead of the past. They were on the run, surviving day by day and searching for Earth, a planet his father claimed to know how to find.

Earth. His father.

Wasn't it just like him to close a painful topic only to open up two others with disturbing content? Lee did not know what to make of it. They were lost in space and then Dad had pulled Earth out of his sleeve. The lost colony was a tale told to small children, or so he had thought. It felt like he was holding the last piece of a puzzle only to find the puzzle already complete. Lords, how he wished to go back to times when at least some things had been uncomplicated.

When Lee was younger, he would not have dared question his father, would not have dared to even think he might behave irresponsible or do anything dishonourable. Often when his old man had been home, he had held little speeches about topics he felt the need to instruct his boys on duty, honour, leadership, friendship and the other things that made a man. If Mom had been the Battlestar Commander, Lee would have told people repeatedly that he had sucked those up like mother's milk. In his minds' eye, his father had been perfect – that was, until the divorce. Still, in the years that followed, all during Lee's adolescence 'Husker' had been his role model, and, though seldom involved in his sons' lives, yet all the more present and adored.

All that changed two years ago. Zak had died and his father's pedestal had crumbled to pieces, dragging down everything Lee had believed in and lived for. Now he no longer knew his father or his own place in the universe. Sometimes Lee felt like a half-empty book - one that had a few childhood memories scribbled down in it but otherwise had been blank until his old man used up all the pages for his lectures or writing out his plans for Lee's future. Lee sighed.

The lighting arrangements in this part of Colonial One were designed to help one meditate and the new star pinned on his dress uniform flashed when the lights in the ceiling changed their pattern. His fingers traced the reflection of the award. Yet another thing he felt unsure about. "May you rot in hell for this!" a ghost from the past whispered. If there had been people still on the Olympic Carrier, then he was sure they had cursed him as well. Maybe he should go see a priest…

Movement accompanied by footsteps ripped him from his ponderings. A woman's shape reflected in the special glass and sharpened as the woman stepped forward and closed the space between them.

Lee blinked when he recognized Laura Roslin. Without turning around, he inclined his head and nodded a greeting. He should do more, after all, she was the President, but he felt so drained that he could not bring himself to turn around. In fact, he had avoided eye contact with her during the whole ceremony though he was not entirely sure why.

Returning the gesture, Laura Roslin moved over until she stopped slightly behind his right shoulder und remained there.

Neither spoke.

Finally, the President broke the silence. "Approximately between 8,000 and 9,000."

Lee turned around quick as a Viper. Their gazes locked and Lee stared into eyes as troubled as his own, and yet so much…older - or wiser? "How…?" His voice trailed off before he could ask her how she knew he had been thinking about the people on the sub-light ships. Mom had the ab– had had the ability to guess him right as well.

"Not too difficult."

He sighed and turned back to space. "We'll never know the exact number."

"No. But we managed to save the larger proportion and against all odds, humanity has survived so far." The President gestured to the medal. "Awarded for outstanding performance while saving the life of the President and for helping to save about 50,000 people. It's earned."

"I know. But it still feels…"

"Tainted with bitterness?"

Lee nodded. "To gather them in the first place only to lose so many again…"

"I can relate." She sighed, paused and laid her hand on his shoulder. "You're not alone, you know."

He stiffened and then relaxed when the warmth of her hand penetrated his uniform. The gesture was strangely comforting... Lee turned his head and looked at her. Suddenly he realised her eyes held all the meaning he had not found in the ceremony. Hesitantly, he lifted his hand and placed it over hers.

For only the second time since the Destruction, he felt …connected again, a feeling he had thought did no longer exist until his father had pulled him into the first embrace since…he was not even sure since when.